1
00:01:40,250 --> 00:01:43,200
- Who are you?
- We are three wise men.

2
00:01:43,250 --> 00:01:46,080
- What?
- We are three wise men.

3
00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:49,700
Well, what are you doing creeping around
a cow shed at 2:00 in the morning?

4
00:01:49,790 --> 00:01:52,500
That doesn't sound
very wise to me.

5
00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:55,870
- We are astrologers.
- We have come from the east.

6
00:01:55,910 --> 00:01:58,200
Is this some kind of joke?

7
00:01:58,250 --> 00:02:00,200
We wish to praise the infant.

8
00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:02,200
We must pay homage to him.

9
00:02:02,290 --> 00:02:05,620
Homage? You're drunk!
It's disgusting!

10
00:02:05,700 --> 00:02:09,700
Out the door! Out! Bashing me with
tales about Oriental fortunetellers.

11
00:02:09,790 --> 00:02:12,080
- Come on, out!
- No, no. We must see him.

12
00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:15,580
- Go and praise someone else's brat.
- We were led by a star.

13
00:02:15,620 --> 00:02:17,790
Led by a bottle,
more like. Go on out.

14
00:02:17,870 --> 00:02:19,950
We must see him.
We have brought presents.

15
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:22,290
- Out!
- Gold, frankincense, myrrh.

16
00:02:22,370 --> 00:02:25,290
Well, why didn't you say?
He's over there.

17
00:02:25,370 --> 00:02:27,580
Sorry the place
is a bit of a mess.

18
00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:32,660
- Well, what is myrrh anyway?
- It is a valuable balm.

19
00:02:32,700 --> 00:02:36,830
A balm? What are you giving him
a balm for? It might bite him.

20
00:02:36,910 --> 00:02:40,080
- What?
- That's a dangerous animal.

21
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,410
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.

22
00:02:42,450 --> 00:02:45,200
- It's great big and
- No, it is an ointment.

23
00:02:45,250 --> 00:02:49,540
Well, there is an animal
called a balm... or did I dream it?

24
00:02:49,580 --> 00:02:52,950
So you're astrologers, are you?
Well, what is he, then?

25
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:55,830
- Hmm?
- What star sign is he?

26
00:02:55,870 --> 00:03:00,290
- Well, Capricorn.
- Capricorn, eh? What are they like?

27
00:03:00,370 --> 00:03:02,870
He is the Son of God,
our Messiah.

28
00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:04,870
King of the Jews!

29
00:03:04,950 --> 00:03:08,250
- That's Capricorn, is it?
- No, that's just him.

30
00:03:08,290 --> 00:03:11,540
Oh, I was gonna say, otherwise
there would be a lot of them.

31
00:03:11,620 --> 00:03:14,830
- By what name are you calling him?
- Uh, Brian.

32
00:03:14,870 --> 00:03:19,580
We worship you, O Brian,
who are lord over us all.

33
00:03:19,660 --> 00:03:24,950
Praise unto you, Brian, and
to the Lord, our Father. Amen.

34
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,120
- You do a lot of this, then?
- What?

35
00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:29,290
- This praising.
- No, no, no, no.

36
00:03:29,370 --> 00:03:32,330
Well, if you're
dropping by again, do pop in.

37
00:03:32,410 --> 00:03:35,040
And thanks a lot for
the gold and frankincense.

38
00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:38,580
But don't worry too much
about the myrrh next time, all right?

39
00:03:38,660 --> 00:03:41,080
Thank you.
Goodbye.

40
00:03:42,910 --> 00:03:45,250
Well, weren't they nice?

41
00:03:45,330 --> 00:03:48,700
Out of their bloody minds,
but still... Iook at that!

42
00:03:48,750 --> 00:03:51,200
Here! Here!

43
00:03:51,290 --> 00:03:55,330
That That's mine!
Hey, he's a baby! Oh!

44
00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:10,200
- Shut up!

45
00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:20,580
<i>Brian</i>

46
00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:23,700
<i>The babe they called Brian</i>

47
00:04:25,330 --> 00:04:28,160
<i>He grew</i>

48
00:04:28,250 --> 00:04:31,500
<i>Grew, grew and grew</i>

49
00:04:31,580 --> 00:04:34,870
<i>Grew up to be</i>

50
00:04:34,910 --> 00:04:38,160
<i>Grew up to be</i>

51
00:04:38,250 --> 00:04:41,500
<i>A boy called Brian</i>

52
00:04:41,580 --> 00:04:44,700
<i>A boy called Brian</i>

53
00:04:46,080 --> 00:04:49,950
<i>He had arms and legs</i>

54
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:53,290
<i>And hands and feet</i>

55
00:04:53,370 --> 00:04:55,830
<i>This boy</i>

56
00:04:55,870 --> 00:05:00,080
<i>Whose name was Brian</i>

57
00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:03,370
<i>And he grew</i>

58
00:05:03,410 --> 00:05:06,750
<i>Grew, grew and grew</i>

59
00:05:06,830 --> 00:05:09,750
<i>Grew up to be</i>

60
00:05:09,790 --> 00:05:13,080
<i>Yes, he grew up to be</i>

61
00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:16,540
<i>A teenager called Brian</i>

62
00:05:16,580 --> 00:05:20,410
<i>A teenager called Brian</i>

63
00:05:20,500 --> 00:05:23,830
<i>And his face became spotty</i>

64
00:05:23,870 --> 00:05:27,410
<i>Yes, his face became spotty</i>

65
00:05:27,500 --> 00:05:30,910
<i>And his voice
dropped down low</i>

66
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:34,370
<i>And things started to grow</i>

67
00:05:34,410 --> 00:05:37,620
<i>On young Brian and show</i>

68
00:05:37,700 --> 00:05:41,500
<i>He was certainly no</i>

69
00:05:41,580 --> 00:05:44,910
<i>No girl named Brian</i>

70
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:48,540
<i>Not a girl named Brian</i>

71
00:05:56,450 --> 00:05:59,370
<i>And he started to shave</i>

72
00:05:59,410 --> 00:06:02,080
<i>And have one off the wrist</i>

73
00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:05,950
<i>And want to see girls</i>

74
00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:09,620
<i>And go out and get pissed</i>

75
00:06:09,700 --> 00:06:12,910
<i>A man called Brian</i>

76
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:16,370
<i>This man called Brian</i>

77
00:06:16,410 --> 00:06:24,250
<i>The man they called Brian</i>

78
00:06:24,330 --> 00:06:28,200
<i>This man called</i>

79
00:06:28,250 --> 00:06:37,450
<i>Bri</i>

80
00:06:37,540 --> 00:06:39,790
- Aah!

81
00:07:19,620 --> 00:07:23,750
How blessed are those who know
that He's a god.

82
00:07:23,830 --> 00:07:28,370
How blessed are the sorrowful.
They shall find consolation.

83
00:07:30,790 --> 00:07:34,500
How blessed are those
of gentle spirit.

84
00:07:34,580 --> 00:07:37,580
They shall have the earth
for their possession.

85
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:43,080
How blessed are those
who hunger and thirst...

86
00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:45,950
to see right prevail.

87
00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:48,620
They shall be satisfied.

88
00:07:50,500 --> 00:07:54,080
How blessed are those
whose hearts are pure.

89
00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:56,700
They shall see God.

90
00:07:56,790 --> 00:07:59,870
- Speak up!
- Shhh. Quiet, Mum.

91
00:07:59,910 --> 00:08:04,700
Well, I can't hear a thing.
Let's go to the stoning.

92
00:08:04,750 --> 00:08:07,620
- Shhh!
- We can go to a stoning anytime.

93
00:08:07,700 --> 00:08:11,200
- Oh, come on, Brian.
- Will you be quiet?

94
00:08:11,250 --> 00:08:13,450
Don't pick your nose.

95
00:08:13,540 --> 00:08:16,040
I wasn't picking my nose.
I was scratching.

96
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:18,750
You was picking it
while you was talking to that lady.

97
00:08:18,830 --> 00:08:21,250
- I wasn't.
- Leave it alone. Give it a rest.

98
00:08:21,330 --> 00:08:23,950
Do you mind?
I can't hear a word he's saying.

99
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:27,540
Don't you "do you mind" me!
I was talking to my husband.

100
00:08:27,580 --> 00:08:31,040
Well, go and talk to him somewhere else.
I can't hear a bloody thing.

101
00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:33,080
Don't you swear at my wife.

102
00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:36,370
I was only asking her to shut up so
we can hear what he's saying, Big Nose.

103
00:08:36,410 --> 00:08:39,910
- Don't you call my husband "Big Nose."
- Well, he has got a big nose.

104
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:42,250
Could you be quiet, please?
What was that?

105
00:08:42,330 --> 00:08:44,660
I was too busy
talking to Big Nose.

106
00:08:44,750 --> 00:08:47,540
I think it was,
"Blessed are the cheese makers."

107
00:08:47,620 --> 00:08:50,620
What's so special
about the cheese makers?

108
00:08:50,700 --> 00:08:53,330
Well, obviously, it's not meant
to be taken literally.

109
00:08:53,370 --> 00:08:56,160
It refers to any manufacturers
of dairy products.

110
00:08:56,250 --> 00:08:59,080
See, if you hadn't been going on,
we'd have heard that, Big Nose.

111
00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:02,080
Hey! Say that once more,
I'll smash your bloody face in.

112
00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:05,500
Better keep listening. Might be a bit
about, "Blessed are the Big Noses."

113
00:09:05,580 --> 00:09:07,500
Oh, lay off him.

114
00:09:07,540 --> 00:09:09,620
Oh, you're not so bad
yourself, Conch Face.

115
00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:11,870
Where are you two from,
Nose City?

116
00:09:11,910 --> 00:09:14,870
One more time, mate, I'll
take you to fuckin' cleaners!

117
00:09:14,910 --> 00:09:18,290
Language!
And don't pick your nose.

118
00:09:18,370 --> 00:09:21,040
I wasn't gonna pick my nose.
I was gonna thump him!

119
00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:24,000
- Hear that? "Blessed are the Greek."
- The Greek?

120
00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:26,580
Well, apparently
he's going to inherit the earth.

121
00:09:26,660 --> 00:09:29,500
- Did anyone catch his name?
- You're not gonna thump anybody.

122
00:09:29,540 --> 00:09:32,370
I'll thump him
if he calls me "Big Nose" again.

123
00:09:32,410 --> 00:09:35,540
- Oh, shut up, Big Nose.
- Oh! Right. I warned you.

124
00:09:35,580 --> 00:09:39,370
- I really will slug you so hard
- Oh, it's the meek!

125
00:09:39,410 --> 00:09:42,290
"Blessed are the meek"!
Oh, that's nice, isn't it?

126
00:09:42,370 --> 00:09:45,330
I'm glad they're getting something,
'cause they have a hell of a time.

127
00:09:45,370 --> 00:09:49,080
Listen, I'm only telling the truth.
You have got a very big nose.

128
00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:53,910
Hey, your nose gonna be three foot wide
across your face when I'm finished!

129
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:57,040
- Shhh!
- Who hit yours, then?
Goliath's big brother?

130
00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:59,370
Oh. Right.
That's your last warning.

131
00:09:59,410 --> 00:10:02,580
Oh, do pipe down.

132
00:10:02,660 --> 00:10:05,660
Silly bitch.
Get in the way on me.

133
00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:12,160
Oh, come on.
Let's go to the stoning.

134
00:10:12,250 --> 00:10:14,370
All right.

135
00:10:16,580 --> 00:10:20,700
Blessed is just about anyone with
a vested interest in the status quo.

136
00:10:20,790 --> 00:10:25,500
Well, what Jesus fails to appreciate
is it's the meek who are the problem.

137
00:10:25,580 --> 00:10:29,620
Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg.
Yes, I see.

138
00:10:29,700 --> 00:10:34,080
Oh, come on, Brian. They're gonna
stone him before we get there.

139
00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:37,000
All right.

140
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:40,160
- That's disgusting.

141
00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:45,000
It's the chap with a big nose's fault.
He started it all.

142
00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,620
Oh, I hate wearing these beards.

143
00:10:47,700 --> 00:10:50,620
Why aren't women allowed
to go to stonings, Mum?

144
00:10:50,700 --> 00:10:52,830
It's written, that's why.

145
00:10:52,910 --> 00:10:54,620
Beard, madame?

146
00:10:54,700 --> 00:10:57,330
Oh, look, I haven't got time
to go to no stonings.

147
00:10:57,410 --> 00:10:59,330
He's not well again.

148
00:10:59,410 --> 00:11:01,540
- Stone, sir?

149
00:11:01,580 --> 00:11:04,160
No, they got them up there,
lying around on the ground.

150
00:11:04,250 --> 00:11:06,620
Oh, not like these, sir.
Look at this.

151
00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:09,370
Feel the quality of that.
That's craftsmanship, sir.

152
00:11:09,450 --> 00:11:13,200
Well, all right. We'll have two
with points and a big, flat one.

153
00:11:13,290 --> 00:11:15,410
- Can I have a flat one, Mum?
- Shhh!

154
00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:17,410
- Sorry. Dad.
- All right.

155
00:11:17,500 --> 00:11:20,410
Two points, two flats
and a packet of gravel.

156
00:11:20,500 --> 00:11:22,870
Packet of gravel. Should be
a good one this afternoon.

157
00:11:22,910 --> 00:11:24,580
- Who?
- Local boy.

158
00:11:24,660 --> 00:11:26,370
- Oh, good.
- Enjoy yourselves.

159
00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:47,950
Matthias, son
of Deuteronomy of Gath?

160
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:50,330
- Do I say yes? Yes.
- Yes.

161
00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:54,040
You have been found guilty
by the elders of the town...

162
00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:57,200
of uttering
the name of our Lord.

163
00:11:57,250 --> 00:12:01,080
- And so as a blasphemer...

164
00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:03,870
you are to be stoned to death.

165
00:12:03,950 --> 00:12:07,290
- Look, I'd had a lovely supper,

166
00:12:07,370 --> 00:12:09,500
and all I said to my wife was,

167
00:12:09,540 --> 00:12:12,290
"That piece of halibut
was good enough for Jehovah."

168
00:12:12,370 --> 00:12:15,540
- Blasphemy! He said it again!

169
00:12:15,620 --> 00:12:18,200
- Did you hear him?

170
00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:22,410
Really!

171
00:12:25,330 --> 00:12:27,540
Are there any women
here today?

172
00:12:33,540 --> 00:12:38,580
Very well. By virtue
of the authority vested in me

173
00:12:38,660 --> 00:12:41,700
Ow! Lay off!
We haven't started yet!

174
00:12:41,790 --> 00:12:44,870
Come on!
Who threw that?

175
00:12:44,950 --> 00:12:47,540
Who threw that stone?
Come on.

176
00:12:47,580 --> 00:12:49,700
She did! She did!

177
00:12:49,790 --> 00:12:51,870
He did! He did!

178
00:12:51,950 --> 00:12:54,200
Sorry. I thought
we'd started.

179
00:12:54,290 --> 00:12:57,540
- Go to the back.

180
00:12:57,580 --> 00:13:01,330
Always one, isn't there?
Now, where were we?

181
00:13:01,410 --> 00:13:05,080
Look, I don't think it ought to be
blasphemy, just saying "Jehovah."

182
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:09,290
- You're only making it
worse for yourself.

183
00:13:09,370 --> 00:13:12,370
Making it worse?
How could it be worse?

184
00:13:12,410 --> 00:13:15,080
- Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!

185
00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:19,040
I'm warning you, if you say
"Jehovah" once more

186
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:21,200
Right.
Who threw that?

187
00:13:22,700 --> 00:13:24,910
Come on.
Who threw that?

188
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,200
Him, him, him.

189
00:13:29,290 --> 00:13:31,200
- Was it you?
- Yes.

190
00:13:31,290 --> 00:13:33,200
- Right
- Well, you did say "Jehovah."

191
00:13:37,700 --> 00:13:40,370
Stop! Will you stop that?

192
00:13:40,450 --> 00:13:45,370
Stop it! Now, look!
No one is to stone anyone...

193
00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:47,660
until I blow this whistle.

194
00:13:47,750 --> 00:13:52,250
Do you understand? Even and I want
to make this absolutely clear

195
00:13:52,330 --> 00:13:54,700
Even if they do say "Jehovah."

196
00:14:01,410 --> 00:14:04,330
Good shot! Bravo!

197
00:14:14,370 --> 00:14:18,290
- Have I got a big nose, Mum?
- Oh, stop thinking about sex.

198
00:14:18,370 --> 00:14:21,910
- I wasn't!
- You're always on about it,
morning, noon and night.

199
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:24,830
"Will the girls like this?
Will the girls like that?

200
00:14:24,870 --> 00:14:27,580
Is it too big?
ls it too small?"

201
00:14:27,660 --> 00:14:29,870
Here you are, mate.

202
00:14:29,950 --> 00:14:32,120
- Bless you, sir.
- Alms for the poor.

203
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:35,580
- Alms for a leper.
- Alms for an exleper.

204
00:14:35,660 --> 00:14:38,620
Bloody donkey owners.
All the same, ain't they?

205
00:14:38,700 --> 00:14:41,200
Never have any change.
Oh, here's a touch.

206
00:14:41,290 --> 00:14:44,750
- Spare a talent for an old exleper?
- Buzz off!

207
00:14:44,790 --> 00:14:47,160
Spare a talent
for an old exleper?

208
00:14:47,250 --> 00:14:49,950
A talent?
That's more than he earns in a month!

209
00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:52,120
- Half a talent, then.
- Now, go away!

210
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:54,580
- Come on, Big Nose, let's haggle.
- What?

211
00:14:54,660 --> 00:14:58,160
You open at one shekel.
I start at 2,000. We close about 1,800.

212
00:14:58,250 --> 00:15:00,160
- No.
- 1,750?

213
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,200
- Go away!
- 1,740?

214
00:15:02,990 --> 00:15:05,860
- Leave him alone!
- All right, two shekels.
Isn't this fun, eh?

215
00:15:05,950 --> 00:15:09,360
Look, he's not giving you
any money, so piss off!

216
00:15:13,570 --> 00:15:18,240
- All right. Half a shekel
for an old exleper?
- Did you say "exleper"?

217
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:21,030
Sixteen years behind the bell,
and proud of it, sir.

218
00:15:21,110 --> 00:15:23,740
- Well, what happened?
- I were cured, sir.

219
00:15:23,820 --> 00:15:26,110
- Cured?
- Yes, a bloody miracle, sir.

220
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:28,950
- Well, who cured you?
- Jesus did, sir.

221
00:15:29,030 --> 00:15:31,530
I was hopping along,
minding my own business.

222
00:15:31,610 --> 00:15:33,990
All of a sudden,
up he comes, cures me!

223
00:15:34,070 --> 00:15:36,030
One minute,
I'm a leper with a trade;

224
00:15:36,110 --> 00:15:38,150
next minute,
my livelihood's gone.

225
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:40,900
"You're cured, mate."
Bloody dogooder.

226
00:15:40,950 --> 00:15:44,570
Well, why don't you go and tell him
that you want to be a leper again?

227
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:47,320
I could do that, sir.
Yeah, I could do that, I suppose.

228
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:51,110
I was gonna ask him if he'd
make me a bit lame in one leg
during the middle of the week.

229
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:54,780
You know, something beggable but not
leprosy, which is a pain in the ass.

230
00:15:54,860 --> 00:15:57,570
Brian! Come and clean
your room out!

231
00:15:57,650 --> 00:16:00,740
- There you are.
- Thank you, sir. Thank

232
00:16:00,820 --> 00:16:03,650
Half a denary?
Me bloody life story.

233
00:16:03,740 --> 00:16:05,860
There's no pleasing
some people.

234
00:16:05,950 --> 00:16:08,990
That's just
what Jesus said, sir.

235
00:16:19,610 --> 00:16:22,780
- Oh!
- Good afternoon.

236
00:16:22,860 --> 00:16:25,860
Oh, uh, hello, officer.

237
00:16:25,950 --> 00:16:29,240
I'll be with you in a few
moments, all right, dear?

238
00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:33,030
- What's he doing here?
- Don't start that, Brian.
Go and clean your room out.

239
00:16:33,110 --> 00:16:35,610
- Bloody Romans!
- Now look, Brian.

240
00:16:35,700 --> 00:16:38,240
If it wasn't for him,
we wouldn't have all this.

241
00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:41,740
- And don't you forget it.
- We don't owe the Romans anything, Mum.

242
00:16:41,780 --> 00:16:45,400
- Well, that's not entirely true.
- What do you mean?

243
00:16:45,490 --> 00:16:49,570
- Well, you know you were
asking me about your
- My nose?

244
00:16:49,650 --> 00:16:52,820
Yes. Well, there's a reason
it's like it is, Brian.

245
00:16:52,900 --> 00:16:54,820
What is it?

246
00:16:54,900 --> 00:16:57,780
Well, I suppose I should've
told you a long time ago

247
00:16:57,860 --> 00:17:01,110
- What?
- Well, Brian...

248
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:04,320
your father
isn't Mr. Cohen.

249
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:07,280
- Well, I never thought he was.
- None of your cheek!

250
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,740
He was a Roman, Brian.

251
00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:12,860
He was a centurion
in the Roman army.

252
00:17:12,900 --> 00:17:17,030
- You mean you were raped?
- Well, at first, yes.

253
00:17:17,110 --> 00:17:21,070
- Who was it?
- Naughtius Maximus, his name was.

254
00:17:21,150 --> 00:17:23,700
Promised me
the known world, he did.

255
00:17:23,780 --> 00:17:26,650
I was to be taken to Rome,
housed by the Forum

256
00:17:26,740 --> 00:17:28,900
slaves, asses' milk,

257
00:17:28,950 --> 00:17:31,280
as much gold as I could eat.

258
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:33,860
Then he, having his way
with me, he had

259
00:17:33,950 --> 00:17:37,110
- Vroom, like a rat out of an aqueduct!
- The bastard!

260
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:40,400
Yeah, so next time you go on
about the bloody Romans,

261
00:17:40,450 --> 00:17:42,400
don't forget
you're one of 'em!

262
00:17:42,450 --> 00:17:45,610
I'm not a Roman, Mum!
And I never will be!

263
00:17:45,700 --> 00:17:48,610
I'm a kike, a Yid,
a hebe, a hooknose!

264
00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:53,530
I'm kosher, Mum! I'm a Red Sea
pedestrian, and proud of it!

265
00:17:57,610 --> 00:18:00,700
Sex, sex, sex. That's all
they think about, huh?

266
00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:04,030
Well, how are you,
then, officer?

267
00:18:21,110 --> 00:18:25,070
Ladies and gentlemen,
the next contest...

268
00:18:25,110 --> 00:18:27,070
is between...

269
00:18:27,110 --> 00:18:31,820
Frank Goliath,
the Macedonian babycrusher,

270
00:18:31,900 --> 00:18:35,570
and Boris Mineburg.

271
00:18:37,900 --> 00:18:41,200
Larks' tongues.
Wren's livers.

272
00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:45,610
Chaffinch brains.
Jaguars' earlobes.

273
00:18:45,700 --> 00:18:48,530
Wolf's nipple chips. Get 'em
while they're hot. They're lovely.

274
00:18:48,610 --> 00:18:52,200
Dromedary pretzels, only half a denar.
Tuscany fried bats.

275
00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:56,150
I do feel, Reg, that any
antilmperialist group like ours...

276
00:18:56,240 --> 00:19:00,200
must reflect such a divergence
of interest within its power base.

277
00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:03,990
- Oh, great. Francis?
- Yeah, I think Judith's point
of view is very valid, Reg,

278
00:19:04,070 --> 00:19:06,030
provided the movement
never forgets...

279
00:19:06,110 --> 00:19:08,490
- that it is the inalienable
right of every man
- Or woman.

280
00:19:08,570 --> 00:19:10,150
or woman
to rid himself

281
00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:11,990
- Or herself.
- or herself

282
00:19:12,070 --> 00:19:13,820
- Agreed.
- Thank you, brother.

283
00:19:13,900 --> 00:19:15,820
- Or sister.
- Or sister.

284
00:19:15,900 --> 00:19:17,820
- Where was I?

285
00:19:17,900 --> 00:19:20,820
- I think you finished.
- Oh, right.

286
00:19:20,900 --> 00:19:23,740
Furthermore, it is
the birthright of every man

287
00:19:23,780 --> 00:19:26,820
- Or woman.
- Why don't you shut up about women?

288
00:19:26,900 --> 00:19:30,070
Women have a perfect right
to play a part in our movement.

289
00:19:30,110 --> 00:19:32,400
Why are you always on
about women, Stan?

290
00:19:32,490 --> 00:19:34,070
I want to be one.

291
00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:39,320
- What?
- I want to be a woman.

292
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:43,360
From now on, I want you all
to call me "Loretta."

293
00:19:44,780 --> 00:19:47,650
- What?
- It's my right as a man.

294
00:19:47,740 --> 00:19:51,400
Well, why do you want
to be Loretta, Stan?

295
00:19:51,450 --> 00:19:54,070
I want to have babies.

296
00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:56,740
You want to have babies?

297
00:19:56,780 --> 00:19:59,490
It's every man's right
to have babies if he wants them.

298
00:19:59,570 --> 00:20:02,360
- But you can't have babies.
- Don't you oppress me.

299
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:05,860
I'm not oppressing you.
You haven't got a womb.

300
00:20:05,950 --> 00:20:07,990
Where is the fetus
gonna gestate?

301
00:20:08,070 --> 00:20:10,490
You're gonna keep it
in a box?

302
00:20:13,570 --> 00:20:15,490
Here, I've got an idea.

303
00:20:15,570 --> 00:20:18,240
Suppose you agree that
he can't actually have babies,

304
00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:21,570
not having a womb which is
nobody's fault, not even the Romans'

305
00:20:21,610 --> 00:20:24,570
but that he can have
the right to have babies?

306
00:20:24,610 --> 00:20:27,400
Good idea, Judith.
We shall fight the oppressors...

307
00:20:27,490 --> 00:20:29,610
for your right to have
babies, brother

308
00:20:29,700 --> 00:20:32,450
- Sister. Sorry.
- What's the point?

309
00:20:32,530 --> 00:20:35,740
- What?
- What's the point of fighting
for his right to have babies...

310
00:20:35,820 --> 00:20:39,150
when he can't have babies?

311
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:42,740
It is symbolic of our
struggle against oppression.

312
00:20:44,700 --> 00:20:47,360
Symbolic of his struggle
against reality.

313
00:20:55,860 --> 00:20:58,740
It's dangerous out there.

314
00:21:19,610 --> 00:21:23,740
Larks' tongues. Otters' noses.
Ocelot spleens.

315
00:21:23,820 --> 00:21:26,030
- Got any nuts?
- Haven't got any nuts. Sorry.

316
00:21:26,070 --> 00:21:29,490
- I've got wrens' livers,
badger spleens
- No, no, no.

317
00:21:29,570 --> 00:21:32,110
- Otters' noses?
- I don't want that Roman rubbish!

318
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:35,400
- Why don't you sell proper food?
- Proper food?

319
00:21:35,450 --> 00:21:38,200
Yeah, and not those rich,
lmperialist tidbits.

320
00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:41,400
Well, don't blame me.
I didn't ask to sell this stuff.

321
00:21:41,450 --> 00:21:43,570
All right.
Bag of otters' noses, then.

322
00:21:43,650 --> 00:21:46,400
- Make it two. Thanks, Reg.
- Two.

323
00:21:46,450 --> 00:21:49,240
- Are you the Judean People's Front?
- Fuck off!

324
00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:52,360
- What?
- Judean People's Front!

325
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:55,700
We're the People's Front of Judea!

326
00:21:55,780 --> 00:21:59,530
- Judean People's Front!
- Wankers.

327
00:22:01,990 --> 00:22:04,950
- Can I join your group?
- No. Piss off.

328
00:22:04,990 --> 00:22:07,820
I didn't want to sell
this stuff. It's only a job.

329
00:22:07,900 --> 00:22:11,530
- I hate the Romans as much as anybody!
- Shhh. Shhh!

330
00:22:11,610 --> 00:22:16,030
- Are you sure?
- Oh, dead sure. I hate the Romans.

331
00:22:16,110 --> 00:22:19,530
Listen, if you wanted
to join the P.F.J.,

332
00:22:19,610 --> 00:22:22,570
you'd have to really
hate the Romans.

333
00:22:22,610 --> 00:22:25,610
- I do.
- Oh, yeah? How much?

334
00:22:25,700 --> 00:22:27,700
A lot.

335
00:22:29,990 --> 00:22:32,070
Right. You're in.

336
00:22:32,110 --> 00:22:35,110
Listen. The only people
we hate more than the Romans...

337
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:37,490
are the fuckin'
Judean People's Front.

338
00:22:37,570 --> 00:22:39,150
- Yeah!
- Splitters!

339
00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:42,150
- And the Judean Popular People's Front.
- Oh, yeah! Splitters!

340
00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:44,900
- And the People's Front of Judea.
- Splitters!

341
00:22:44,950 --> 00:22:47,450
- What?
- The People's Front of Judea.

342
00:22:47,490 --> 00:22:50,070
We're the People's Front of Judea!

343
00:22:50,110 --> 00:22:53,150
Oh. I thought we were
the Popular Front.

344
00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:55,570
People's Front!

345
00:22:55,610 --> 00:22:59,740
- What happened to the Popular Front?
- He's over there.

346
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:05,200
Splitter!

347
00:23:10,570 --> 00:23:14,990
Oh! I think I'm about
to have a cardiac arrest.

348
00:23:15,070 --> 00:23:19,110
- Absolutely dreadful.

349
00:23:30,900 --> 00:23:35,320
Brother! Haha!
What's your name?

350
00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:37,950
Brian. Brian Cohen.

351
00:23:38,030 --> 00:23:41,320
We may have a little job
for you, Brian.

352
00:24:36,610 --> 00:24:40,610
What's this, then?
"Romanes eunt domus"?

353
00:24:40,700 --> 00:24:43,780
"People called Romanes,
they go the house"?

354
00:24:43,860 --> 00:24:46,030
Ilt says "Romans, go home."

355
00:24:46,070 --> 00:24:50,200
No, it doesn't.
What's Latin for "Roman"?

356
00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:52,360
- Come on!
- "Romanes"?

357
00:24:52,450 --> 00:24:54,400
- Goes like?
- "Annus"?

358
00:24:54,450 --> 00:24:56,740
- Vocative plural of "annus" is?
- "Anni"?

359
00:24:56,780 --> 00:24:59,570
- "Romani."

360
00:24:59,650 --> 00:25:02,240
- "Eunt"? What is "eunt"?
- "Go."

361
00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:04,400
Conjugate the verb "to go."

362
00:25:04,490 --> 00:25:07,860
"lre, eo, is, it,
imus, itis, eunt."

363
00:25:07,950 --> 00:25:09,950
So "eunt" is?

364
00:25:10,030 --> 00:25:12,700
Third person plural,
present indicative. "They go."

365
00:25:12,780 --> 00:25:17,450
But "Romans, go home" is
an order, so you must use the

366
00:25:17,530 --> 00:25:19,700
- The imperative.
- Which is?

367
00:25:19,740 --> 00:25:21,860
Um, oh, oh, "i."

368
00:25:21,900 --> 00:25:24,450
- How many Romans?
- Aah! Plural, plural.

369
00:25:24,530 --> 00:25:27,400
- "lte."
- "lte."

370
00:25:27,450 --> 00:25:30,650
- "Domus"? Nominative?

371
00:25:30,740 --> 00:25:34,860
"Go home." This is motion
towards, isn't it, Brian?

372
00:25:34,950 --> 00:25:36,860
Dative!

373
00:25:36,950 --> 00:25:38,990
No, not dative!

374
00:25:39,070 --> 00:25:41,490
Accusative, accusative!

375
00:25:41,570 --> 00:25:44,990
- "Domum," sir. "Ad domum."
- Except when "domus" takes the

376
00:25:45,070 --> 00:25:47,030
- Locative, sir.
- Which is?

377
00:25:47,110 --> 00:25:49,280
- "Domum."
- "Domum."

378
00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:51,530
- "Um."

379
00:25:51,610 --> 00:25:53,530
- Understand?
- Yes, sir.

380
00:25:53,570 --> 00:25:54,900
Now, write it out 100 times.

381
00:25:54,950 --> 00:25:56,450
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Hail Caesar, sir.

382
00:25:56,530 --> 00:25:59,400
Hail Caesar. If it's not done
by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.

383
00:25:59,450 --> 00:26:02,900
Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you.
Hail Caesar and everything, sir.

384
00:26:23,980 --> 00:26:27,100
Finished!

385
00:26:28,730 --> 00:26:32,600
Right. Now,
don't do it again.

386
00:26:56,480 --> 00:26:58,650
Hey, bloody Romans!

387
00:27:32,690 --> 00:27:35,650
We're gettin' in through the
underground heating system here,

388
00:27:35,690 --> 00:27:38,560
up through into the main
audience chamber here,

389
00:27:38,650 --> 00:27:41,810
and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here.

390
00:27:41,900 --> 00:27:45,270
Having grabbed his wife, we inform
Pilate that she is in our custody...

391
00:27:45,310 --> 00:27:47,650
and forthwith issue our demands.

392
00:27:47,730 --> 00:27:50,690
- Any questions?
- What exactly are the demands?

393
00:27:50,770 --> 00:27:52,850
We're giving Pilate
two days to dismantle...

394
00:27:52,940 --> 00:27:55,440
the entire apparatus of
the Roman lmperialist State,

395
00:27:55,520 --> 00:27:57,810
and if he doesn't agree
immediately, we execute her.

396
00:27:57,900 --> 00:28:00,850
- Cut her head off?
- Cut all her bits off.

397
00:28:00,940 --> 00:28:03,900
Send them back
on the hour, every hour.

398
00:28:03,980 --> 00:28:06,690
And, of course, we point out
that they bear...

399
00:28:06,770 --> 00:28:09,230
full responsibility
when we chop her up...

400
00:28:09,310 --> 00:28:12,440
and that we shall not submit
to blackmail.

401
00:28:12,520 --> 00:28:14,770
No blackmail!

402
00:28:14,850 --> 00:28:18,520
They bled us white, the bastards.
They've taken everything we had.

403
00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:22,310
And not just from us. From our fathers
and from our fathers' fathers.

404
00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:24,730
And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.
Yeah.

405
00:28:24,770 --> 00:28:28,440
- And from our fathers'
fathers' fathers' fathers.
- Don't labor the point.

406
00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:32,060
And what have they ever
given us in return?

407
00:28:34,190 --> 00:28:36,730
- The aqueduct.
- What?

408
00:28:36,770 --> 00:28:38,900
The aqueduct.

409
00:28:38,940 --> 00:28:41,100
Oh, yeah, yeah.
They did give us that.

410
00:28:41,150 --> 00:28:43,600
And the sanitation.

411
00:28:43,650 --> 00:28:47,190
Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg.
Remember what the city used to be like.

412
00:28:47,270 --> 00:28:51,020
Yeah, I'll grant you,
the aqueduct and sanitation are
two things the Romans have done.

413
00:28:51,100 --> 00:28:54,020
- And the roads.
- Well, obviously the roads.

414
00:28:54,100 --> 00:28:56,600
I mean, the roads go
without saying, don't they?

415
00:28:56,690 --> 00:28:59,650
But apart from the sanitation,
the aqueduct and the roads

416
00:28:59,730 --> 00:29:01,560
- lrrigation.
- Medicine.

417
00:29:01,600 --> 00:29:04,100
- Education.
- Yeah, all right. Fair enough.

418
00:29:04,150 --> 00:29:07,230
- And the wine.

419
00:29:07,270 --> 00:29:10,520
Yeah, that's something we'd really miss,
Reg, if the Romans left.

420
00:29:10,600 --> 00:29:14,400
- Public baths.
- And it's safe to walk
in the streets at night.

421
00:29:14,480 --> 00:29:18,270
Yeah, they certainly keep order.
They're the only ones who could
in a place like this.

422
00:29:20,600 --> 00:29:23,350
All right, but apart from
the sanitation, the medicine,

423
00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:26,600
education, wine, public order,
irrigation, roads,

424
00:29:26,650 --> 00:29:29,230
the fresh water system
and public health,

425
00:29:29,310 --> 00:29:32,600
what have the Romans
ever done for us?

426
00:29:32,650 --> 00:29:36,600
- Brought peace.
- Oh, peace! Shut up!

427
00:29:47,850 --> 00:29:50,400
I'm a poor man.
My sight is poor.

428
00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:52,730
My legs are old and bent.

429
00:29:52,810 --> 00:29:54,810
It's all right, Matthias.

430
00:29:54,900 --> 00:29:56,940
It's all clear.

431
00:30:04,480 --> 00:30:07,190
Well, where's Reg?

432
00:30:07,270 --> 00:30:10,480
Oh, Reg. Reg, Judith.

433
00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:14,560
- What went wrong?
- The first blow has been struck.

434
00:30:14,650 --> 00:30:17,810
- Did he finish the slogan?
- A hundred times,

435
00:30:17,900 --> 00:30:21,900
in letters ten foot high,
all the way around the palace.

436
00:30:21,980 --> 00:30:24,690
Oh, great. Great.

437
00:30:24,770 --> 00:30:27,650
We We need doers
in our movement, Brian,

438
00:30:27,730 --> 00:30:30,190
but before you join us, know this:

439
00:30:30,270 --> 00:30:32,850
There is not one of us who
would not gladly suffer death...

440
00:30:32,940 --> 00:30:35,350
to rid this country of
the Romans once and for all.

441
00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:38,690
- Oh, yeah, there's one.

442
00:30:38,770 --> 00:30:41,100
But otherwise, we're solid.
Are you with us?

443
00:30:41,190 --> 00:30:43,850
Yes.

444
00:30:43,940 --> 00:30:48,690
From now on you shall be called
"Brian that is called Brian."

445
00:30:48,770 --> 00:30:51,730
Tell him about the raid
on Pilate's palace, Francis.

446
00:30:51,810 --> 00:30:54,770
Right.
This is the plan.

447
00:30:54,810 --> 00:30:57,440
Now, this is the palace
on Caesar's Square.

448
00:30:57,480 --> 00:31:00,310
Our commando unit will approach
from Fish Street under cover of night...

449
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:03,940
and make our way
to the northwestern main drain.

450
00:31:04,020 --> 00:31:08,020
If questioned, we are sewage workers
on our way to a conference.

451
00:31:08,100 --> 00:31:11,650
Reg, our glorious leader
and founder of the P.F.J.,

452
00:31:11,730 --> 00:31:15,230
will be coordinating consultant
at the drain head,

453
00:31:15,310 --> 00:31:18,520
though he himself will not be taking
part in any terrorist action...

454
00:31:18,600 --> 00:31:20,520
as he has a bad back.

455
00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:22,770
- Aren't you going to come with us?
- Solidarity, brother.

456
00:31:22,850 --> 00:31:25,600
Oh, yes, solidarity, Reg.

457
00:31:25,650 --> 00:31:28,810
Once in the sewer,
timing will be of the essence.

458
00:31:28,900 --> 00:31:32,060
There is a Roman feast later
in the evening, so you must move fast.

459
00:31:32,150 --> 00:31:35,100
And don't wear
your best sandals.

460
00:31:35,150 --> 00:31:38,900
Turning left here, we enter the
CaesarAugustus memorial sewer,

461
00:31:38,940 --> 00:31:41,690
and from there proceed
directly to the hypocaust.

462
00:31:41,770 --> 00:31:46,600
This has just been retiled. So,
terrorists, careful with those weapons.

463
00:31:46,690 --> 00:31:50,400
We will now be directly beneath
Pilate's audience chamber itself.

464
00:31:50,440 --> 00:31:53,730
This is the moment for Habbakuk
to get out his prong.

465
00:32:53,770 --> 00:32:56,690
Shhh. Shhh.

466
00:33:12,850 --> 00:33:15,480
Campaign for Free Galilee.

467
00:33:15,560 --> 00:33:18,650
Oh, uh, People's Front
of Judea. Officials.

468
00:33:18,730 --> 00:33:21,440
- Oh.
- What's your group doing here?

469
00:33:21,480 --> 00:33:24,650
We're gonna kidnap Pilate's wife,
take her back, issue demands.

470
00:33:24,730 --> 00:33:27,650
- So are we. That's our plan.
- What?

471
00:33:27,730 --> 00:33:30,230
- We were here first.
- What do you mean?

472
00:33:30,310 --> 00:33:32,600
- We thought of it first.
- We did!

473
00:33:32,690 --> 00:33:35,230
Yes, a couple of years ago.
We did!

474
00:33:35,270 --> 00:33:37,650
Come on. You got all your demands
worked out, then?

475
00:33:37,730 --> 00:33:39,900
- Of course we have.
- What are they?

476
00:33:39,940 --> 00:33:42,440
- Well, I'm not telling you.
- Oh, come on!

477
00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:45,270
That's not the point.
We thought of it before you.

478
00:33:45,350 --> 00:33:47,270
- Did not!
- We did!

479
00:33:47,350 --> 00:33:50,480
You bastards, we've been
planning this for months.

480
00:33:50,560 --> 00:33:54,770
Well, tough pity for you,
Fish Face. Oh!

481
00:33:54,810 --> 00:33:57,600
Brothers, we should
be struggling together.

482
00:33:57,690 --> 00:34:01,270
- We mustn't fight each other.

483
00:34:01,350 --> 00:34:04,770
Surely, we should be united
against the common enemy.

484
00:34:04,810 --> 00:34:07,310
The Judean People's Front!

485
00:34:07,400 --> 00:34:09,810
No, no, the Romans!

486
00:34:09,900 --> 00:34:12,310
Oh, yeah, yeah.

487
00:34:12,350 --> 00:34:14,980
Yeah, he's right.

488
00:34:21,100 --> 00:34:24,560
- Right. Where were we?
- You were gonna punch me.

489
00:34:47,480 --> 00:34:49,980
Brothers!

490
00:35:19,150 --> 00:35:21,100
What

491
00:35:51,230 --> 00:35:53,350
You lucky bastard.

492
00:35:53,440 --> 00:35:55,400
Who's that?

493
00:35:55,480 --> 00:35:57,480
You lucky, lucky bastard.

494
00:35:57,560 --> 00:36:00,850
What?
Quite the little jailer's pet, are we?

495
00:36:00,940 --> 00:36:04,400
- What do you mean?
- You must've slipped him a few shekels.

496
00:36:04,480 --> 00:36:07,480
Slipped him a few shekels?
You saw him spit in my face.

497
00:36:07,560 --> 00:36:11,770
Oh, what wouldn't I give
to be spat at in the face!

498
00:36:11,850 --> 00:36:16,480
I sometimes hang awake at night
dreaming of being spat at in the face.

499
00:36:16,560 --> 00:36:19,440
Well, it's not exactly friendly.
They have me in manacles.

500
00:36:19,520 --> 00:36:21,940
Manacles?

501
00:36:22,020 --> 00:36:25,730
My idea of heaven is to be
allowed to be put in manacles...

502
00:36:25,810 --> 00:36:27,900
just for a few hours.

503
00:36:27,940 --> 00:36:32,100
They must think the sun shines
out of your ass, son.

504
00:36:32,190 --> 00:36:34,230
Oh, lay off me!
I've had a hard time!

505
00:36:34,270 --> 00:36:37,560
You've had a hard time?
I've been here five years.

506
00:36:37,650 --> 00:36:40,940
They only hung me the right way
up yesterday, so don't you

507
00:36:40,980 --> 00:36:43,400
All right, all right.

508
00:36:43,480 --> 00:36:47,270
They must think
you're Lord God Almighty.

509
00:36:47,350 --> 00:36:51,100
- What will they do to me?
- Oh, you'll probably
get away with crucifixion.

510
00:36:51,190 --> 00:36:54,270
- Crucifixion?
- Yeah, first offense.

511
00:36:54,310 --> 00:36:56,440
Get away with crucifixion?
It's

512
00:36:56,520 --> 00:36:59,350
- Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
- What?

513
00:36:59,440 --> 00:37:02,810
Oh, yeah, if we didn't have crucifixion,
this country'd be in a bloody mess.

514
00:37:02,850 --> 00:37:05,770
- Guard!
- Nail him up, I say!

515
00:37:05,850 --> 00:37:08,940
- Guard!
- Nail some sense into him!

516
00:37:09,020 --> 00:37:11,020
What do you want?

517
00:37:11,100 --> 00:37:14,310
- I want you to move me to another cell.

518
00:37:14,400 --> 00:37:17,810
- Aah!
- Oh, look at that! Bloody favoritism.

519
00:37:17,900 --> 00:37:20,810
- Shut up, you!
- Sorry.

520
00:37:23,980 --> 00:37:27,100
Now take my case.
They hung me up here five years ago.

521
00:37:27,150 --> 00:37:30,150
Every night, they take me down for
20 minutes, then they hang me up again,

522
00:37:30,230 --> 00:37:33,270
which I regard as very fair
in view of what I've done.

523
00:37:33,310 --> 00:37:38,100
And if nothing else, it's
taught me to respect the Romans,

524
00:37:38,190 --> 00:37:42,100
and it's taught me that you'll
never get anywhere in this life...

525
00:37:42,190 --> 00:37:46,600
unless you're prepared to do
a fair day's work for a fair day's

526
00:37:46,650 --> 00:37:49,230
Oh, shut up!

527
00:37:49,310 --> 00:37:52,310
- Here.
- Pilate wants to see you.

528
00:37:52,350 --> 00:37:54,350
- Me?
- Come on!

529
00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:56,600
Pilate? What's he want
to see me for?

530
00:37:56,690 --> 00:37:59,650
I think he wants to know which way up
you want to be crucified.

531
00:37:59,730 --> 00:38:03,100
Nice one, centurion. Like it.

532
00:38:03,150 --> 00:38:07,480
- Shut up!
- Right, right.

533
00:38:07,560 --> 00:38:11,440
Terrific race, the Romans.
Terrific!

534
00:38:28,940 --> 00:38:30,850
- Hail Caesar.
- Hail.

535
00:38:30,940 --> 00:38:34,650
- Only one survivor, sir.
- Oh. "Thwow" him to the floor.

536
00:38:34,730 --> 00:38:37,900
- What's that?
- Throw him to the floor.

537
00:38:37,940 --> 00:38:39,940
Oh.

538
00:38:42,810 --> 00:38:46,150
Now, what is
your name, Jew?

539
00:38:46,230 --> 00:38:49,150
- Brian, sir.
- "Bwian," eh?

540
00:38:49,190 --> 00:38:51,100
No, no. Brian.

541
00:38:51,190 --> 00:38:53,400
- Aah!

542
00:38:53,480 --> 00:38:56,400
The little rascal
has "spiwit."

543
00:38:56,440 --> 00:38:58,770
- Has what, sir?
- "Spiwit."

544
00:38:58,850 --> 00:39:00,940
Yes, he did, sir.

545
00:39:01,020 --> 00:39:05,350
No, no. "Spiwit," "bwavado,"
a touch of "dewwingdo."

546
00:39:05,440 --> 00:39:07,940
Oh, uh, about 11, sir.

547
00:39:10,600 --> 00:39:14,100
So, you dare to "waid" us?

548
00:39:14,190 --> 00:39:16,150
To what, sir?

549
00:39:16,190 --> 00:39:18,650
"Stwike" him, centurion,
very "woughly."

550
00:39:18,690 --> 00:39:22,100
- Aah!
- And "thwow" him to the floor, sir?

551
00:39:22,190 --> 00:39:24,730
- What?
- "Thwow" him to the floor again, sir?

552
00:39:24,810 --> 00:39:27,810
Oh, yes, "thwow" him
to the floor, please.

553
00:39:27,900 --> 00:39:32,730
- Aah!
- Now, Jewish "wapscallion"

554
00:39:32,810 --> 00:39:34,940
I'm not Jewish.
I'm a Roman.

555
00:39:34,980 --> 00:39:37,940
- A "Woman"?
- No, no. Roman.

556
00:39:37,980 --> 00:39:39,940
Aah!

557
00:39:40,020 --> 00:39:44,980
So, your father was
a "Woman." Who was he?

558
00:39:45,020 --> 00:39:48,770
He was a centurion
in the Jerusalem garrison, sir.

559
00:39:48,850 --> 00:39:52,020
Really?
What was his name?

560
00:39:52,100 --> 00:39:55,400
- "Naughtius Maximus."

561
00:39:59,140 --> 00:40:02,930
Centurion, do you have
anyone of that name in the garrison?

562
00:40:03,010 --> 00:40:05,140
Well, no, sir.

563
00:40:05,220 --> 00:40:08,390
Well, you sound very sure.
Have you checked?

564
00:40:08,430 --> 00:40:12,260
Well, no, sir.
I think it's a joke, sir.

565
00:40:12,350 --> 00:40:16,470
Like, uh, "Sillius Soddus"
or "Biggus Dickus," sir.

566
00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:21,550
What's funny
about "Biggus Dickus"?

567
00:40:22,930 --> 00:40:25,970
Well, it's a joke name, sir.

568
00:40:26,050 --> 00:40:29,430
I have a very great
friend in Rome called Biggus Dickus.

569
00:40:32,100 --> 00:40:35,220
Silence!
What is all this insolence?

570
00:40:35,260 --> 00:40:38,720
You will find yourself
in gladiator school "vewy" quickly...

571
00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:40,720
with "wotten" behavior like that.

572
00:40:40,760 --> 00:40:44,180
Can I go now, sir?
Aaah!

573
00:40:44,220 --> 00:40:46,720
Wait till Biggus Dickus
hears of this.

574
00:40:46,760 --> 00:40:50,100
- "Wight"! Take him away!

575
00:40:50,180 --> 00:40:53,760
- Oh, sir, he
- I want him fighting wild,
"wabid" animals within a week.

576
00:40:53,850 --> 00:40:56,680
Yes, sir.
Come on, you.

577
00:41:00,930 --> 00:41:05,550
I will not have my friends
"widiculed" by the common "soldiewy."

578
00:41:07,390 --> 00:41:11,970
Anyone else feel like
a little giggle...

579
00:41:12,050 --> 00:41:15,640
when I mention my "fwiend,"

580
00:41:15,720 --> 00:41:18,930
- Biggus...

581
00:41:19,010 --> 00:41:22,100
- Dickus?

582
00:41:24,470 --> 00:41:29,720
What about you?
Do you find it "wisible"...

583
00:41:31,350 --> 00:41:34,510
when I say the name...

584
00:41:34,600 --> 00:41:39,220
Biggus... Dickus?

585
00:41:58,890 --> 00:42:02,600
He has a wife, you know?

586
00:42:02,680 --> 00:42:05,350
You know what she's called?

587
00:42:07,850 --> 00:42:11,180
She's called "lncontinentia."

588
00:42:13,890 --> 00:42:16,140
- "lncontinentia Buttocks."

589
00:42:16,220 --> 00:42:18,510
Shut up!
What is all this?

590
00:42:18,600 --> 00:42:21,850
I've had enough of this
"wowdy," "webel" behavior!

591
00:42:21,890 --> 00:42:25,680
- Silence! Quiet!
"Pwaetowian" guards!

592
00:42:25,720 --> 00:42:29,550
Seize him! Seize him!
Blow your noses and seize him!

593
00:42:43,430 --> 00:42:46,100
Hmm? Hmm.

594
00:44:27,220 --> 00:44:30,100
Oh, you lucky bastard.

595
00:44:45,470 --> 00:44:48,890
And the bezan
shall be huge and black...

596
00:44:48,930 --> 00:44:53,510
And the eyes thereof red with
the blood of living creatures!

597
00:44:53,550 --> 00:44:56,430
And the whore of Babylon...

598
00:44:56,470 --> 00:44:59,720
shall ride forth
on a threeheaded serpent!

599
00:44:59,800 --> 00:45:04,720
And throughout the lands
there'll be a great rubbing of parts.

600
00:45:04,800 --> 00:45:09,220
The demon shall bear
a ninebladed sword.

601
00:45:09,260 --> 00:45:13,800
Ninebladed not two
or five or seven, but nine

602
00:45:13,890 --> 00:45:18,600
which he will wield on all wretched
sinners, just like you, sir, there.

603
00:45:18,680 --> 00:45:22,850
And the whoring shall be
on the head of Addius.

604
00:45:22,930 --> 00:45:28,350
There shall in that time
be rumors of things going astray,

605
00:45:28,390 --> 00:45:32,890
um, and there shall be a great confusion
as to where things really are.

606
00:45:32,970 --> 00:45:35,970
And nobody will really know
where lieth...

607
00:45:36,050 --> 00:45:38,600
those little things...

608
00:45:38,680 --> 00:45:41,890
with the sort of raffia work
base that has an attachment.

609
00:45:41,930 --> 00:45:46,720
At this time, a friend
shall lose his friend's hammer,

610
00:45:46,800 --> 00:45:50,600
and the young shall not know
where lieth...

611
00:45:50,680 --> 00:45:52,930
the things possessed
by their fathers...

612
00:45:53,010 --> 00:45:56,680
that their fathers put there
only just the night before about 8:00.

613
00:45:56,720 --> 00:46:00,550
Yea, it is written
in the Book of Cyril...

614
00:46:00,600 --> 00:46:03,050
in that time

615
00:46:12,100 --> 00:46:15,100
How much, quick?
It's for the wife.

616
00:46:15,180 --> 00:46:18,180
- Oh, uh, 20 shekels.
- Right.

617
00:46:18,220 --> 00:46:20,300
- What?
- There you are.

618
00:46:20,390 --> 00:46:22,300
- Wait a minute.
- What?

619
00:46:22,390 --> 00:46:24,760
- We're supposed to haggle.
- No, no, no. I've got to get

620
00:46:24,850 --> 00:46:26,760
- What do you mean, no?
- I haven't got time.

621
00:46:26,850 --> 00:46:29,300
- Well, give it back, then.
- No, no. I just paid you.

622
00:46:29,390 --> 00:46:32,760
- Burt, this bloke won't haggle.
- Won't haggle?

623
00:46:32,800 --> 00:46:34,930
All right.
Do we have to?

624
00:46:35,010 --> 00:46:37,680
- I want 20 for that.
- I just gave you 20.

625
00:46:37,760 --> 00:46:40,470
- Are you telling me
that's not worth 20 shekels?
- No.

626
00:46:40,550 --> 00:46:43,970
- Feel the quality.
That's none of your goat.
- I'll give you 19, then.

627
00:46:44,050 --> 00:46:46,050
- No, no, no. Do it properly.
- What?

628
00:46:46,100 --> 00:46:49,510
- Haggle properly. This isn't worth 19.
- You just said it was worth 20.

629
00:46:49,600 --> 00:46:52,350
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Come on, haggle.

630
00:46:52,430 --> 00:46:54,890
- All right, I'll give you ten.
- That's more like it.

631
00:46:54,930 --> 00:46:57,100
Ten? Are you
trying to insult me?

632
00:46:57,180 --> 00:46:59,970
Me with a poor, dying
grandmother? Ten?

633
00:47:00,050 --> 00:47:02,890
- All right, I'll give you 11.
- Now you're gettin' it.

634
00:47:02,970 --> 00:47:07,350
Did I hear you right? Eleven?
This cost me 12. You want to ruin me?

635
00:47:07,390 --> 00:47:10,100
- Seventeen?
- No, no, no, no. Seventeen.

636
00:47:10,180 --> 00:47:12,680
- Eighteen.
- No, no. You go to 14 now.

637
00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:15,600
- All right, I'll give you 14.
- Fourteen? Are you joking?

638
00:47:15,680 --> 00:47:17,970
- That's what you told me to say!
- Oh, dear.

639
00:47:18,050 --> 00:47:20,350
Oh, tell me
what to say, please!

640
00:47:20,390 --> 00:47:22,390
- Offer me 14.
- I'll give you 14.

641
00:47:22,430 --> 00:47:25,510
- He's offering me 14 for this!
- Fifteen!

642
00:47:25,600 --> 00:47:28,930
Seventeen. My last word. I won't take
a penny less, or strike me dead.

643
00:47:29,010 --> 00:47:30,850
- Sixteen.
- Done.

644
00:47:30,890 --> 00:47:32,970
Nice to do business with you.

645
00:47:33,050 --> 00:47:36,010
- I'll throw you in this as well.
- I don't want it, but thanks.

646
00:47:36,100 --> 00:47:38,350
- Burt.
- All right, all right.

647
00:47:38,390 --> 00:47:41,140
- Now, where's the 16 you owe me?
- I just gave you 20.

648
00:47:41,220 --> 00:47:43,970
- Right. That's four I owe you, then.
- That's right. That's fine.

649
00:47:44,050 --> 00:47:46,430
- I've got it here somewhere.
- That's four for the gourd.

650
00:47:46,510 --> 00:47:49,140
Four? For this gourd?

651
00:47:49,220 --> 00:47:52,050
Look at it! It's worth ten
if it's worth a shekel.

652
00:47:52,140 --> 00:47:55,390
- You gave it to me for nothing.
- Yes, but it's worth ten.

653
00:47:55,470 --> 00:47:57,260
All right, all right.

654
00:47:59,850 --> 00:48:02,180
No, no, no, no.
It's not worth ten.

655
00:48:02,260 --> 00:48:05,890
You're supposed to argue.
"Ten for that? You must be mad."

656
00:48:08,600 --> 00:48:12,010
Oh, well.
One born every minute.

657
00:48:12,050 --> 00:48:14,050
- Daniel.
- Daniel.

658
00:48:14,140 --> 00:48:16,300
- Job.
- Job.

659
00:48:16,390 --> 00:48:18,470
- Joshua.
- Joshua.

660
00:48:18,550 --> 00:48:20,850
- Judges.
- Judges.

661
00:48:20,890 --> 00:48:23,600
- And Brian.
- And Brian.

662
00:48:23,680 --> 00:48:28,010
I now propose that all seven
of these exbrothers...

663
00:48:28,100 --> 00:48:31,550
be now entered in the minutes
as probationary martyrs to the cause.

664
00:48:31,640 --> 00:48:35,100
- I second that, Reg.
- Thank you, Loretta. On the nod.

665
00:48:35,180 --> 00:48:39,350
Siblings, let us not
be down on it.

666
00:48:39,390 --> 00:48:42,800
One total catastrophe like this...

667
00:48:42,890 --> 00:48:44,680
is just the beginning!

668
00:48:44,720 --> 00:48:47,680
Their glorious deaths
shall unite us all in

669
00:48:47,720 --> 00:48:49,680
Look out!

670
00:49:00,390 --> 00:49:02,510
Hello?

671
00:49:02,600 --> 00:49:04,680
Matthias?

672
00:49:04,720 --> 00:49:07,050
- Reg?
- Go away.

673
00:49:08,760 --> 00:49:10,720
Reg, it's me, Brian.

674
00:49:10,760 --> 00:49:12,890
Get off!
Get off out of it!

675
00:49:12,970 --> 00:49:14,930
- Stan!
- Piss off.

676
00:49:14,970 --> 00:49:16,850
- Yeah, piss off.
- Bugger off.

677
00:49:19,180 --> 00:49:22,010
Oh, shit!

678
00:49:22,050 --> 00:49:24,010
Coming.

679
00:49:28,680 --> 00:49:32,390
Yea, verily at that time it is
written in the book of Obadiah,

680
00:49:32,470 --> 00:49:37,390
a man shall strike his donkey
and his nephew's donkey.

681
00:49:40,390 --> 00:49:43,550
My eyes are dim.
I cannot see.

682
00:49:43,640 --> 00:49:46,100
- Are you Matthias?
- Yes.

683
00:49:46,180 --> 00:49:49,100
We have reason to believe
you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth,

684
00:49:49,180 --> 00:49:52,350
a member of the terrorist organization,
the People's Front of Judea.

685
00:49:52,430 --> 00:49:55,180
Me? No.
I'm just a poor old man.

686
00:49:55,260 --> 00:49:57,260
I have no time
for lawbreakers.

687
00:49:57,350 --> 00:49:59,680
My legs are grey.
My ears are nulled.

688
00:49:59,760 --> 00:50:01,760
My eyes are old and bent.

689
00:50:01,850 --> 00:50:03,890
Quiet!
Silly person.

690
00:50:03,970 --> 00:50:06,050
Guards, search the house.

691
00:50:16,550 --> 00:50:19,050
You know the penalty
laid down by Roman law...

692
00:50:19,140 --> 00:50:21,140
for harboring
a known criminal?

693
00:50:21,220 --> 00:50:23,140
- No.
- Crucifixion.

694
00:50:23,220 --> 00:50:25,470
Oh.

695
00:50:25,550 --> 00:50:29,180
- Nasty, eh?
- Could be worse.

696
00:50:29,260 --> 00:50:31,680
What do you mean,
"Could be worse"?

697
00:50:31,760 --> 00:50:33,970
Well, you could be stabbed.

698
00:50:34,050 --> 00:50:37,510
Stabbed? Takes a second.
Crucifixion lasts hours.

699
00:50:37,600 --> 00:50:40,180
It's a slow, horrible death.

700
00:50:40,260 --> 00:50:43,430
Well, at least it gets you
out in the open air.

701
00:50:44,720 --> 00:50:46,640
You're weird.

702
00:50:53,930 --> 00:50:57,220
No, sir.
Couldn't find anything, sir.

703
00:50:57,260 --> 00:51:01,510
Well, don't worry.
You've not seen the last of us, weirdo.

704
00:51:01,550 --> 00:51:04,050
- Big Nose.
- Watch it!

705
00:51:06,850 --> 00:51:09,470
Whew, that was lucky.

706
00:51:12,680 --> 00:51:14,600
I'm sorry, Reg.

707
00:51:14,680 --> 00:51:16,930
Oh, it's all right.
He's sorry.

708
00:51:17,010 --> 00:51:19,720
He's sorry he led the Fifth Legion
straight to our headquarters.

709
00:51:19,760 --> 00:51:22,640
Well, that's all right,
then, Brian. Sit down.

710
00:51:22,720 --> 00:51:26,260
Have a scone.
Make yourself at home. You klutz!

711
00:51:26,350 --> 00:51:29,800
You stupid, birdbrained,
flatheaded

712
00:51:37,180 --> 00:51:40,550
- My legs are old and bent.

713
00:51:40,600 --> 00:51:42,550
My ears are grizzled. Yes?

714
00:51:42,600 --> 00:51:45,800
There's one place
we didn't look. Guards!

715
00:51:45,890 --> 00:51:49,970
- I'm just a poor old man.

716
00:51:50,050 --> 00:51:51,970
My nose is knackered.

717
00:51:52,050 --> 00:51:54,470
Have you ever seen
anyone crucified?

718
00:51:54,550 --> 00:51:56,890
Crucifixion's a doddle.

719
00:51:56,930 --> 00:51:58,890
Don't keep saying that.

720
00:52:04,530 --> 00:52:06,820
Found this spoon, sir.

721
00:52:06,900 --> 00:52:09,110
Well done, sergeant.

722
00:52:09,200 --> 00:52:12,700
We'll be back, oddball.

723
00:52:15,710 --> 00:52:17,840
Open up!

724
00:52:17,920 --> 00:52:20,460
You haven't given us
time to hide.

725
00:52:32,550 --> 00:52:36,340
- ln that time
- The serpent, he shall strike you

726
00:52:36,420 --> 00:52:40,880
- Holes from every bitch
you got germs from
- Jumbo jets

727
00:52:44,730 --> 00:52:47,440
Don't pass judgement
on other people...

728
00:52:47,480 --> 00:52:49,600
or you might
get judged yourself.

729
00:52:49,690 --> 00:52:53,310
- What?
- I said, don't pass
judgement on other people...

730
00:52:53,400 --> 00:52:56,100
or else you might
get judged too.

731
00:52:56,190 --> 00:52:58,060
- Who, me?
- Yes.

732
00:52:58,150 --> 00:53:01,270
- Thank you very much.
- Not just you. All of you.

733
00:53:01,350 --> 00:53:03,690
- That's a nice gourd.
- What?

734
00:53:03,770 --> 00:53:06,230
- How much do you want for the gourd?
- You can have it.

735
00:53:06,310 --> 00:53:09,060
- Have it?
- Yes. Consider the lilies.

736
00:53:09,150 --> 00:53:11,350
- Don't you want to haggle?
- No. In the field.

737
00:53:11,440 --> 00:53:13,650
- What's wrong with it?
- Nothing. Take it.

738
00:53:13,730 --> 00:53:16,850
- Consider the lilies?
- Well, the birds, then.

739
00:53:16,940 --> 00:53:18,850
- What birds?
- Any birds.

740
00:53:18,940 --> 00:53:21,480
- Why?
- Well, have they got jobs?

741
00:53:21,560 --> 00:53:23,480
- Who?
- The birds.

742
00:53:23,560 --> 00:53:25,480
Have the birds got jobs?

743
00:53:25,560 --> 00:53:29,100
- What's the matter with him?
- Says the birds are scrounging.

744
00:53:29,190 --> 00:53:32,100
The point is, the birds,
they do all right, don't they?

745
00:53:32,190 --> 00:53:34,980
- Well, good luck to 'em.
- Yeah, they're very pretty.

746
00:53:35,060 --> 00:53:39,020
Okay. And you're much more
important than they are, right?

747
00:53:39,100 --> 00:53:41,850
So what are you worrying about?
There you are. See?

748
00:53:41,940 --> 00:53:44,560
I'm worrying about what
you've got against birds.

749
00:53:44,650 --> 00:53:46,730
I haven't got anything
against the birds.

750
00:53:46,810 --> 00:53:49,770
- Consider the lilies.
- He's having a go at the flowers now!

751
00:53:49,810 --> 00:53:52,770
- Give the flowers a chance.
- I'll give you one for it.

752
00:53:52,810 --> 00:53:55,020
- It's yours.
- Two, then.

753
00:53:55,100 --> 00:53:57,400
Look, there was this man,
and he had two servants.

754
00:53:57,440 --> 00:54:00,190
What were they called?
What were their names?

755
00:54:00,270 --> 00:54:02,770
I don't know.
And he gave them some talents.

756
00:54:02,850 --> 00:54:05,560
- You don't know?
- Well, it doesn't matter.

757
00:54:05,600 --> 00:54:07,690
He doesn't know
what they were called!

758
00:54:07,770 --> 00:54:11,020
- They were called Simon and Adrian.
- You said you didn't know!

759
00:54:11,100 --> 00:54:14,150
It really doesn't matter. The point is,
there were these two servants.

760
00:54:14,230 --> 00:54:17,190
- He's making it up as he goes along.
- No, I'm not!

761
00:54:17,270 --> 00:54:19,520
And he gave them
Wait, were there three?

762
00:54:19,600 --> 00:54:21,940
- Oh, he's terrible.

763
00:54:22,020 --> 00:54:25,480
- There were two or three.
- Oh, get off!

764
00:54:31,310 --> 00:54:34,060
Now hear this!
Blessed are they...

765
00:54:34,150 --> 00:54:36,440
- Three.
- who convert their neighbor's asses.

766
00:54:36,480 --> 00:54:40,270
- For they shall inhibit their girth.
- Rubbish!

767
00:54:40,310 --> 00:54:43,560
- And to them only shall be given

768
00:54:43,650 --> 00:54:46,900
to them only...

769
00:54:46,980 --> 00:54:50,770
shall be given

770
00:54:52,600 --> 00:54:54,560
- What?
- Hmm?

771
00:54:54,600 --> 00:54:57,230
- Shall be given what?
- Oh, nothing.

772
00:54:57,310 --> 00:54:59,730
- What were you going to say?
- Nothing.

773
00:54:59,810 --> 00:55:02,100
- Yes, you were going to say something.
- No, I finished.

774
00:55:02,190 --> 00:55:05,270
- Tell us before you go.
- I'm finished.

775
00:55:05,350 --> 00:55:07,650
- No, you don't.
- Why won't he tell?

776
00:55:07,730 --> 00:55:10,400
- Won't say!
- It ain't a secret, is it?

777
00:55:10,440 --> 00:55:13,270
- Must be, otherwise he'd tell us.
- Tell us.

778
00:55:13,310 --> 00:55:15,350
- Leave me alone.
- What is the secret?

779
00:55:15,440 --> 00:55:17,810
- ls it the secret of eternal life?
- He won't say.

780
00:55:17,900 --> 00:55:20,600
If I knew the secret
of eternal life, I wouldn't say.

781
00:55:20,690 --> 00:55:23,230
- Leave me alone!
- Just tell me, please.

782
00:55:23,310 --> 00:55:26,190
- We were here first.

783
00:55:26,270 --> 00:55:28,850
- Go away!
- Tell us, master.

784
00:55:28,940 --> 00:55:31,900
- ls that his gourd?
- Yeah, but it's under offer.

785
00:55:31,940 --> 00:55:34,060
This is his gourd.

786
00:55:34,150 --> 00:55:37,350
- Ten!
- It is his gourd!

787
00:55:37,440 --> 00:55:40,400
We will carry it
for you, master.

788
00:55:40,440 --> 00:55:43,940
- Master?
- He's gone!

789
00:55:44,020 --> 00:55:46,440
- He's been taken up.

790
00:55:46,480 --> 00:55:48,560
He's been taken up!

791
00:55:48,650 --> 00:55:51,480
- Nineteen!
- No, there he is. Over there.

792
00:56:17,730 --> 00:56:20,020
Look! Oh! Oh!

793
00:56:20,100 --> 00:56:22,020
He has given us a sign.

794
00:56:22,100 --> 00:56:24,480
He has given us his shoe!

795
00:56:24,560 --> 00:56:27,350
The shoe is the sign.
Let us follow his example.

796
00:56:27,440 --> 00:56:31,600
- What?
- Let us, like him, hold up one shoe!

797
00:56:31,690 --> 00:56:35,900
For this is his sign that all
who follow him shall do likewise!

798
00:56:35,980 --> 00:56:38,480
- Yes!
- No, no. The shoe is a sign...

799
00:56:38,560 --> 00:56:41,730
that we must gather shoes
together in abundance.

800
00:56:41,810 --> 00:56:44,310
Cast off the shoes.
Follow the gourd!

801
00:56:44,400 --> 00:56:47,440
No, let us gather shoes
together! Let me!

802
00:56:47,480 --> 00:56:51,850
No, it is a sign that, like him, we must
think not of the things of the body...

803
00:56:51,940 --> 00:56:53,850
but of the face and head.

804
00:56:53,940 --> 00:56:56,520
- Give me your shoe!
- Get off!

805
00:56:56,600 --> 00:57:00,020
Follow the gourd,
the Holy Gourd of Jerusalem!

806
00:57:00,100 --> 00:57:03,770
- The gourd!
- Hold up the sandal,
as he has commanded us.

807
00:57:03,810 --> 00:57:06,440
- It is a shoe!
- It's a sandal!

808
00:57:06,520 --> 00:57:08,980
- No, it isn't!
- Cast it away!

809
00:57:09,060 --> 00:57:10,980
- Put it on!
- Clear off!

810
00:57:11,060 --> 00:57:13,650
Take the shoes
and follow him!

811
00:57:19,560 --> 00:57:22,270
Come back! Stop!

812
00:57:22,350 --> 00:57:25,810
Let us Let us pray.

813
00:57:26,980 --> 00:57:29,850
Yea, he cometh to us...

814
00:57:29,940 --> 00:57:32,230
Iike the seeds of the grain.

815
00:57:54,560 --> 00:57:58,270
Master! Master!

816
00:58:20,150 --> 00:58:23,190
Hey! ls there
another way down?

817
00:58:24,400 --> 00:58:26,900
Is there another path
down to the river?

818
00:58:26,980 --> 00:58:30,270
Please, please help me.
I've got to get

819
00:58:33,850 --> 00:58:36,940
Oh, my foot! Oh

820
00:58:37,020 --> 00:58:40,310
- Shhh.
- Oh, damn, damn, damn!

821
00:58:40,400 --> 00:58:43,940
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, damn, damn it! Blast it!

822
00:58:44,020 --> 00:58:46,270
- I'm sorry. Shhh.
- Don't you "shhh" me.

823
00:58:46,350 --> 00:58:49,400
Eighteen years of total silence,
and you "shhh" me!

824
00:58:49,440 --> 00:58:52,600
- What?
- I've kept my vow for 18 years...

825
00:58:52,690 --> 00:58:56,730
Not a single, recognizable,
articulate sound has passed my lips.

826
00:58:56,770 --> 00:58:59,350
Could you be quiet
for another five minutes?

827
00:58:59,440 --> 00:59:02,060
It doesn't matter now.
I might as well enjoy myself.

828
00:59:02,100 --> 00:59:04,900
For the last 18 years,
I've wanted to shout...

829
00:59:04,980 --> 00:59:07,690
and sing and scream
my name out!

830
00:59:07,770 --> 00:59:09,850
- Shhh. Shhh.
- Oh, I'm alive!

831
00:59:09,940 --> 00:59:13,020
<i>Hava nagila, hava nagila</i>

832
00:59:13,100 --> 00:59:15,940
<i>Hava nagila</i>

833
00:59:15,980 --> 00:59:19,650
Oh, I'm alive! I'm alive!
Hello, birds. Hello, trees.

834
00:59:19,730 --> 00:59:22,480
I'm alive! I'm alive!

835
00:59:22,560 --> 00:59:27,440
<i>Hava nagila
Hava n'ra, n'ra</i>

836
00:59:27,520 --> 00:59:31,020
Master! Master! Master!

837
00:59:31,100 --> 00:59:34,560
- Master!
- The master! He is here!

838
00:59:34,650 --> 00:59:39,020
- His shoe led us to him!

839
00:59:39,100 --> 00:59:42,770
Speak! Speak to us, master.
Speak to us!

840
00:59:42,850 --> 00:59:44,560
Go away!

841
00:59:44,600 --> 00:59:47,230
A blessing! A blessing!

842
00:59:47,310 --> 00:59:49,770
How shall we go away, master?

843
00:59:49,810 --> 00:59:52,270
Oh, just go away
and leave me alone!

844
00:59:52,310 --> 00:59:54,480
Give us a sign!

845
00:59:54,560 --> 00:59:57,850
He has given us a sign!
He has brought us to this place!

846
00:59:57,940 --> 01:00:00,770
I didn't bring you here.
You just followed me.

847
01:00:00,810 --> 01:00:03,900
Oh, it's still a good sign
by any standard.

848
01:00:03,980 --> 01:00:06,900
Master, your people
have walked many miles to be with you!

849
01:00:06,940 --> 01:00:08,940
They are weary
and have not eaten.

850
01:00:09,020 --> 01:00:11,150
It's not my fault
they haven't eaten.

851
01:00:11,230 --> 01:00:13,690
There is no food
in this high mountain!

852
01:00:13,770 --> 01:00:16,980
What about the juniper
bushes over there?

853
01:00:17,100 --> 01:00:20,770
A miracle! A miracle!

854
01:00:20,850 --> 01:00:25,190
He has made the bush
fruitful by his words!

855
01:00:25,230 --> 01:00:27,650
They've brought forth
juniper berries.

856
01:00:27,730 --> 01:00:31,400
Of course! They're juniper bushes!
What do you expect!

857
01:00:31,480 --> 01:00:33,560
Show us another miracle.

858
01:00:33,650 --> 01:00:35,730
Do not tempt him, shallow ones!

859
01:00:35,810 --> 01:00:39,520
Is not the miracle of
the juniper bushes enough?

860
01:00:39,600 --> 01:00:41,690
I say, those
are my juniper bushes!

861
01:00:41,770 --> 01:00:45,440
- They are a gift from God.
- They're all I've got to eat.

862
01:00:45,520 --> 01:00:50,690
I say, get off those bushes.
Go on. Clear off.

863
01:00:50,730 --> 01:00:55,020
Lord, I am affected
by a bald patch.

864
01:00:55,060 --> 01:00:58,440
I'm healed!
The master has healed me!

865
01:00:58,520 --> 01:01:00,440
I didn't touch him!

866
01:01:00,520 --> 01:01:03,310
I was blind,
and now I can see!

867
01:01:03,400 --> 01:01:06,520
A miracle! A miracle!

868
01:01:06,600 --> 01:01:09,650
- Tell them to stop it.

869
01:01:09,730 --> 01:01:13,230
I hadn't said a word
for 18 years till he came along.

870
01:01:13,310 --> 01:01:17,060
A miracle!
He is the Messiah!

871
01:01:17,150 --> 01:01:18,900
He hurt my foot!

872
01:01:18,940 --> 01:01:22,230
- Hurt my foot!
- Hurt mine!

873
01:01:22,310 --> 01:01:26,060
- Hail Messiah!
- I'm not the Messiah.

874
01:01:26,150 --> 01:01:29,690
I say you are, Lord, and I should know.
I've followed a few.

875
01:01:29,730 --> 01:01:32,060
Hail Messiah!

876
01:01:32,100 --> 01:01:34,980
I'm not the Messiah!
Will you please listen?

877
01:01:35,060 --> 01:01:38,350
I'm not the Messiah!
Do you understand? Honestly!

878
01:01:38,440 --> 01:01:42,810
Only the true Messiah
denies his divinity.

879
01:01:42,900 --> 01:01:46,230
What? Well, what sort of chance
does that give me?

880
01:01:46,310 --> 01:01:48,520
All right,
I am the Messiah!

881
01:01:48,600 --> 01:01:52,310
He is!
He is the Messiah!

882
01:01:52,400 --> 01:01:54,730
Now, fuck off!

883
01:02:02,520 --> 01:02:04,480
How shall we
fuck off, O Lord?

884
01:02:04,560 --> 01:02:06,400
Just leave me alone!

885
01:02:06,480 --> 01:02:09,600
You told these people
to eat my juniper berries!

886
01:02:09,690 --> 01:02:12,690
You break my bloody foot,
you break my vow of silence...

887
01:02:12,770 --> 01:02:15,810
and then you try to clean up
on my juniper bushes!

888
01:02:15,900 --> 01:02:19,230
- Lay off!
- This is the Messiah, the Chosen One!

889
01:02:19,270 --> 01:02:22,400
- No, he's not.
- An unbeliever!

890
01:02:22,480 --> 01:02:26,650
- An unbeliever!
- Persecute. Kill the heretic!

891
01:02:29,230 --> 01:02:32,650
- Seize him!
- Leave him alone!

892
01:02:32,730 --> 01:02:35,020
Leave him alone!

893
01:02:35,060 --> 01:02:37,350
Leave him alone.

894
01:02:37,440 --> 01:02:40,400
Let him go! Please!

895
01:02:44,350 --> 01:02:47,270
- Brian?
- Judith?

896
01:02:52,020 --> 01:02:54,940
Cockadoodledoo!

897
01:03:33,980 --> 01:03:38,690
Look! There he is!
The Chosen One has woken!

898
01:03:41,230 --> 01:03:43,650
Brian!

899
01:03:46,100 --> 01:03:48,190
- Brian!
- Hang on, Mother!

900
01:03:48,230 --> 01:03:50,310
Shhh.

901
01:03:52,310 --> 01:03:55,400
- Hello, Mother.
- Don't you "Hello, Mother" me!

902
01:03:55,480 --> 01:03:57,650
What are all those people
doing out there?

903
01:03:57,730 --> 01:04:00,690
- Well, I
- Come on. What have you been up to?

904
01:04:00,730 --> 01:04:03,230
I think they must have
popped by for something.

905
01:04:03,270 --> 01:04:06,060
Popped by?
Swarmed by, more like.

906
01:04:06,150 --> 01:04:08,230
There's a multitude out there!

907
01:04:08,310 --> 01:04:10,440
They started following me yesterday.

908
01:04:10,520 --> 01:04:13,650
Well, they can stop
following you right now.

909
01:04:13,730 --> 01:04:16,560
Now, stop following my son!

910
01:04:16,650 --> 01:04:19,560
You ought to be
ashamed of yourselves.

911
01:04:19,650 --> 01:04:23,940
The Messiah! The Messiah!
Show us the Messiah!

912
01:04:24,020 --> 01:04:26,900
- The who?
- The Messiah!

913
01:04:26,940 --> 01:04:29,600
There's no messiah in here.

914
01:04:29,690 --> 01:04:32,900
There's a mess, all right,
but no messiah. Now, go away.

915
01:04:32,980 --> 01:04:35,520
Brian! Brian!

916
01:04:35,600 --> 01:04:37,690
Right, my lad.
What have you been up to?

917
01:04:37,770 --> 01:04:39,730
- Nothing, Mum.
- Come on, out with it.

918
01:04:39,810 --> 01:04:41,730
Well, they think
I'm the Messiah, Mum.

919
01:04:41,810 --> 01:04:44,190
What have you
been telling them?

920
01:04:44,270 --> 01:04:46,560
- Nothing. I only
- You're only making it
worse for yourself.

921
01:04:46,600 --> 01:04:50,150
- I can explain.
- Let me explain, Mrs. Cohen!

922
01:04:50,230 --> 01:04:52,850
- Your son is a born leader.

923
01:04:52,940 --> 01:04:56,600
Those people out there are following him
because they believe in him.

924
01:04:56,690 --> 01:04:59,600
They believe he can give them hope
hope of a new life,

925
01:04:59,690 --> 01:05:02,150
a new world,
a better future!

926
01:05:04,350 --> 01:05:06,600
- Who's that?

927
01:05:06,690 --> 01:05:09,730
That's Judith, Mum.
Judith, Mother.

928
01:05:09,810 --> 01:05:11,730
Hmm. Aaah!

929
01:05:13,480 --> 01:05:17,560
- Ohhh!
- Messiah! Messiah! Messiah!

930
01:05:17,650 --> 01:05:20,600
Messiah!
Show us the Messiah!

931
01:05:20,690 --> 01:05:23,900
Now, you listen here.
He's not the Messiah!

932
01:05:23,980 --> 01:05:27,230
He's a very naughty boy.
Now, go away!

933
01:05:27,310 --> 01:05:31,350
- Who are you?
- I'm his mother, that's who.

934
01:05:31,440 --> 01:05:35,900
Behold his mother!
Behold his mother!

935
01:05:35,980 --> 01:05:39,400
Hail to thee,
mother of Brian!

936
01:05:39,440 --> 01:05:43,980
Blessed art thou!
Hosanna!

937
01:05:44,060 --> 01:05:47,690
All praise to thee,
now and always!

938
01:05:47,730 --> 01:05:50,980
Well, now don't think
you can get around me like that.

939
01:05:51,060 --> 01:05:54,520
He's not coming out,
and that's my final word.

940
01:05:55,810 --> 01:05:58,690
- Now, shove off!
- No!

941
01:05:58,730 --> 01:06:03,190
- Did you hear what I said?
- Yes!

942
01:06:03,270 --> 01:06:06,190
Oh, I see.
It's like that, is it?

943
01:06:06,230 --> 01:06:09,650
- Yes!
- Oh, all right, then.

944
01:06:09,730 --> 01:06:13,440
You can see him for one minute,
but not one second more!

945
01:06:13,520 --> 01:06:15,980
- Do you understand?
- Yes.

946
01:06:16,060 --> 01:06:20,230
- Promise?
- Well... all right.

947
01:06:20,310 --> 01:06:23,980
All right, here he is, then.
Come on, Brian. Come and talk.

948
01:06:24,060 --> 01:06:27,440
- But, Mum, Judith.
- Oh, leave that Welsh tart alone.

949
01:06:27,520 --> 01:06:29,480
I don't really want to.

950
01:06:29,560 --> 01:06:32,600
Brian! Brian!
Brian! Brian!

951
01:06:36,060 --> 01:06:39,900
- Good morning.
- A blessing! A blessing!

952
01:06:39,980 --> 01:06:44,520
No, no. Please.
Please, please listen.

953
01:06:44,600 --> 01:06:47,900
I've got one or two
things to say.

954
01:06:47,980 --> 01:06:50,520
Tell us!
Tell us both of them!

955
01:06:50,600 --> 01:06:53,350
Look, you've
got it all wrong.

956
01:06:53,440 --> 01:06:56,020
You don't need to follow me.

957
01:06:56,100 --> 01:06:59,400
You don't need
to follow anybody.

958
01:06:59,440 --> 01:07:01,770
You've got to think
for yourselves.

959
01:07:01,850 --> 01:07:04,600
You're all individuals.

960
01:07:04,690 --> 01:07:07,940
Yes, we're all individuals!

961
01:07:08,020 --> 01:07:10,020
You're all different.

962
01:07:10,100 --> 01:07:13,270
Yes, we're all different!

963
01:07:13,350 --> 01:07:16,020
- I'm not.
- Shhh.

964
01:07:16,100 --> 01:07:19,770
You've all got to work it
out for yourselves.

965
01:07:19,850 --> 01:07:23,980
Yes, we've got to work it
out for ourselves!

966
01:07:24,060 --> 01:07:26,020
Exactly.

967
01:07:26,100 --> 01:07:28,350
Tell us more!

968
01:07:28,400 --> 01:07:32,940
No! That's the point!
Don't let anyone tell you what to do!

969
01:07:33,020 --> 01:07:35,020
Otherwise Ow!

970
01:07:35,100 --> 01:07:37,150
That's enough.
That's enough.

971
01:07:37,230 --> 01:07:40,730
Ooh, that wasn't a minute!

972
01:07:42,060 --> 01:07:46,560
- Oh, yes it was!
- Oh, no it wasn't!

973
01:07:46,650 --> 01:07:49,560
Now, stop that!
And go away!

974
01:07:49,650 --> 01:07:51,850
- Excuse me?
- Yes?

975
01:07:51,900 --> 01:07:56,230
- Are you a virgin?
- I beg your pardon!

976
01:07:56,310 --> 01:08:00,730
Well, if it's not a personal
question, are you a virgin?

977
01:08:00,810 --> 01:08:03,520
If it's not
a personal question?

978
01:08:03,600 --> 01:08:06,060
How much more personal
can you get?

979
01:08:06,100 --> 01:08:08,400
Now, piss off!

980
01:08:09,650 --> 01:08:11,850
- She is.
- Yeah, definitely.

981
01:08:16,730 --> 01:08:19,150
- Morning, Savior.

982
01:08:29,020 --> 01:08:31,100
Lay your hands
on me, quick!

983
01:08:31,190 --> 01:08:34,440
Now, don't jostle
the Chosen One, please.

984
01:08:34,520 --> 01:08:38,520
Don't push that baby
in the Savior's face.

985
01:08:38,600 --> 01:08:42,230
I say, could you just
see my wife?

986
01:08:42,310 --> 01:08:44,350
You'll have to wait,
I'm afraid.

987
01:08:44,440 --> 01:08:46,900
We've got
a luncheon appointment.

988
01:08:46,940 --> 01:08:48,940
The lepers are queuing.

989
01:08:49,020 --> 01:08:51,900
My brotheronlaw
is the exmayor of Gath!

990
01:08:51,940 --> 01:08:56,100
Brian, can I introduce
the gentleman who's letting us
have the Mounts on Sunday?

991
01:08:56,190 --> 01:09:01,310
- Don't push!
- And keep the noise down!

992
01:09:01,400 --> 01:09:06,520
Those possessed by devils,
try and keep them under control.

993
01:09:06,560 --> 01:09:09,400
Incurables, you'll just
have to wait for a few minutes.

994
01:09:09,480 --> 01:09:14,060
Um, women taken in sin, line up
against that wall, will you?

995
01:09:14,150 --> 01:09:18,940
Brian? Brian,
you were fantastic.

996
01:09:19,020 --> 01:09:21,150
You weren't so bad yourself.

997
01:09:21,230 --> 01:09:24,190
No. What you said just now.
It was quite extraordinary.

998
01:09:24,270 --> 01:09:26,230
What?
All that, was it?

999
01:09:26,270 --> 01:09:28,400
We don't any leaders.
You're so right.

1000
01:09:28,480 --> 01:09:31,230
- Reg has been dominating us
for too long.
- Well, yes.

1001
01:09:31,310 --> 01:09:35,100
- It needed saying,
and you said it, Brian.
- You're very attractive.

1002
01:09:35,190 --> 01:09:38,440
It's our revolution.
We can all do it together.

1003
01:09:38,520 --> 01:09:41,350
- I think. I think
- We're all behind you, Brian.

1004
01:09:41,400 --> 01:09:44,520
- The revolution is in your hands!
- What?

1005
01:09:44,560 --> 01:09:46,850
No, that's not
what I meant at all!

1006
01:09:46,940 --> 01:09:50,230
You're fuckin' nicked,
me old beauty.

1007
01:09:50,310 --> 01:09:52,230
Right.

1008
01:09:57,980 --> 01:10:00,310
Stop it.

1009
01:10:02,520 --> 01:10:05,900
Well, "Bwian," you've given us
a good "wun" for our money, what?

1010
01:10:08,230 --> 01:10:11,770
But this time, I "guawantee"
you will not escape.

1011
01:10:11,850 --> 01:10:16,810
Guard, do we have any
"cwucifixions" today?

1012
01:10:16,900 --> 01:10:20,480
139, sir. Special celebration.
Passover, sir.

1013
01:10:20,560 --> 01:10:24,850
Right. Now we have 140.
Nice, round number, eh, Biggus?

1014
01:10:24,900 --> 01:10:28,690
- Hail Caesar!

1015
01:10:28,730 --> 01:10:31,730
- Hail.
- The crowd outside getting restless.

1016
01:10:31,810 --> 01:10:33,850
Permission
to disperse them, please.

1017
01:10:33,900 --> 01:10:37,400
Disperse them?
I haven't addressed them yet.

1018
01:10:37,480 --> 01:10:39,060
I know, sir, but

1019
01:10:39,150 --> 01:10:41,560
My "addwess" is one of
the high points of the Passover.

1020
01:10:41,650 --> 01:10:43,850
My "fwiend" Biggus Dickus has
come all the way from "Wome."

1021
01:10:43,940 --> 01:10:47,400
- Hail Caesar.
- Hail "Thaesar,"

1022
01:10:47,440 --> 01:10:50,270
You're not

1023
01:10:50,350 --> 01:10:54,020
Are you not thinking of giving it
a miss this year, then, sir?

1024
01:10:54,100 --> 01:10:56,190
Give it a miss?

1025
01:10:56,230 --> 01:10:59,650
Well, it's just that they're in
a rather funny mood today, sir.

1026
01:10:59,730 --> 01:11:02,730
"Weally," "centuwion," I'm "surpwised"
to hear a man like you...

1027
01:11:02,810 --> 01:11:05,230
"wattled" by
a "wabble" of "wowdy" "webels."

1028
01:11:05,270 --> 01:11:08,400
- Uh, a bit thundery, sir.
- Take him away.

1029
01:11:08,440 --> 01:11:11,270
I'm a Roman!
Il can prove it! Honestly!

1030
01:11:11,350 --> 01:11:14,690
And "cwucify" him well.
Yes.

1031
01:11:14,730 --> 01:11:17,310
Biggus.

1032
01:11:17,400 --> 01:11:20,100
- Il really wouldn't, sir.
- Out of the way, "centuwion."

1033
01:11:20,190 --> 01:11:22,440
Let me come with you,
Pontius.

1034
01:11:22,520 --> 01:11:26,690
I may be of "thome" "athistance"
if there is a "thudden" "crithis."

1035
01:11:26,730 --> 01:11:31,100
Right. Now item four:
Attainment of world supremacy
within the next five years.

1036
01:11:31,190 --> 01:11:34,350
- Uh, Francis, you've been
doing some work on this?
- Yeah. Thank you, Reg.

1037
01:11:34,440 --> 01:11:37,900
Well, quite frankly, siblings,
I think five years is optimistic...

1038
01:11:37,940 --> 01:11:40,900
unless we can smash the Roman Empire
within the next 12 months.

1039
01:11:40,980 --> 01:11:42,900
- Twelve months, yeah?
- Twelve months.

1040
01:11:42,980 --> 01:11:46,440
And let's face it, as empires
go, this is the big one,

1041
01:11:46,520 --> 01:11:50,770
so we gotta get up off our asses
and stop just talkin' about it.

1042
01:11:50,850 --> 01:11:53,730
- Hear! Hear!
- It's action that counts, not words.

1043
01:11:53,810 --> 01:11:56,190
- And we need action now!
- Hear! Hear!

1044
01:11:56,230 --> 01:11:58,270
You're right. We could
sit around here all day,

1045
01:11:58,350 --> 01:12:01,770
talkin', passin' resolutions,
makin' clever speeches.

1046
01:12:01,850 --> 01:12:04,190
It's not gonna shift
one Roman soldier!

1047
01:12:04,270 --> 01:12:07,690
So let's just stop gabbin' on about it.
It's completely pointless.

1048
01:12:07,730 --> 01:12:09,730
- And it's gettin' us nowhere.
- Right!

1049
01:12:09,770 --> 01:12:12,230
I agree. This is a complete
waste of time.

1050
01:12:13,690 --> 01:12:16,100
- They've arrested Brian!
- What? What?

1051
01:12:16,190 --> 01:12:18,850
They dragged him off!
They want to crucify him!

1052
01:12:18,900 --> 01:12:22,440
Right! This calls
for immediate discussion!

1053
01:12:22,520 --> 01:12:24,060
- What?
- lmmediate!

1054
01:12:24,150 --> 01:12:25,560
- Right.
- New motion?

1055
01:12:25,650 --> 01:12:27,980
Completely new motion.
Uh, that, uh,

1056
01:12:28,060 --> 01:12:30,730
that there be
immediate action

1057
01:12:30,810 --> 01:12:33,440
- Once the vote has been taken.
- Obviously once the vote's been taken.

1058
01:12:33,520 --> 01:12:37,650
- You can't act on a resolution
till you've voted on it.
- Reg, let's go now, please!

1059
01:12:37,730 --> 01:12:42,730
- Right! ln the light of fresh
information from Sibling Judith.
- Not so fast, Reg.

1060
01:12:42,810 --> 01:12:46,690
Reg, for God's sake!
It's perfectly simple.

1061
01:12:46,730 --> 01:12:49,810
All you've got to do
is to go out of that door now...

1062
01:12:49,900 --> 01:12:52,440
and try to stop the Romans
nailing him up!

1063
01:12:52,520 --> 01:12:56,400
It's happening, Reg!
Something's actually happening, Reg!

1064
01:12:56,480 --> 01:12:59,020
Can't you understand?

1065
01:12:59,100 --> 01:13:01,060
Oh!

1066
01:13:02,730 --> 01:13:05,770
- Ooh. Ooh. Yup.

1067
01:13:05,850 --> 01:13:08,190
A little ego trip
from the feminists?

1068
01:13:08,270 --> 01:13:10,770
- What?
- Oh, sorry, Loretta?

1069
01:13:10,850 --> 01:13:12,850
Uh, read that back,
would you?

1070
01:13:25,940 --> 01:13:28,560
Next? Crucifixion?

1071
01:13:28,650 --> 01:13:30,600
- Yes.
- Good.

1072
01:13:30,650 --> 01:13:34,230
Out of the door,
line on the left, one cross each.

1073
01:13:34,310 --> 01:13:36,400
Next? Crucifixion?

1074
01:13:36,480 --> 01:13:38,400
- Yes.
- Good.

1075
01:13:38,480 --> 01:13:40,980
Out of the door,
line on the left, one cross each.

1076
01:13:41,060 --> 01:13:43,520
Next? Crucifixion?

1077
01:13:43,600 --> 01:13:46,190
- Uh, no, freedom.
- Mmm? What?

1078
01:13:46,270 --> 01:13:48,690
Uh, freedom for me.
They said I hadn't done anything,

1079
01:13:48,730 --> 01:13:51,600
so I could go free
and live on an island somewhere.

1080
01:13:51,690 --> 01:13:54,900
Oh. Well, that's jolly good.
Well, off you go then.

1081
01:13:54,980 --> 01:13:57,600
No, I'm only pulling your leg.
It's crucifixion, really.

1082
01:13:57,690 --> 01:14:00,150
Oh, I see.
Very good, very good.

1083
01:14:00,230 --> 01:14:02,480
- Well, out of the door
- Yeah, I know the way. Out the door,

1084
01:14:02,560 --> 01:14:04,480
one cross each,
line on the left.

1085
01:14:04,560 --> 01:14:06,480
Line on the left. Yes, thank you.

1086
01:14:06,560 --> 01:14:08,560
- Crucifixion? Good.
- Yes.

1087
01:14:22,230 --> 01:14:27,190
People of "Jewusalem,"

1088
01:14:27,270 --> 01:14:30,350
"Wome" is your "fwiend."

1089
01:14:35,480 --> 01:14:39,400
To "pwove" our "fwiendship,"
it is "customawy" at this time...

1090
01:14:39,480 --> 01:14:42,690
to "welease" a "wandewer"
"fwom" our "pwisons."

1091
01:14:47,100 --> 01:14:51,850
Whom would you
have me "welease"?

1092
01:14:51,940 --> 01:14:55,020
- "Welease" "Woger"!

1093
01:14:55,100 --> 01:14:57,730
"Welease" "Woger"!
"Welease" "Woger"!

1094
01:15:01,400 --> 01:15:06,520
"Vewy" well,
I shall "welease" "Woger"!

1095
01:15:09,440 --> 01:15:11,940
Sir, uh, we don't
have a Roger, sir.

1096
01:15:12,020 --> 01:15:14,440
- What?
- Uh, we don't have anyone
of that name, sir.

1097
01:15:14,520 --> 01:15:18,810
Ah. We have no "Woger."

1098
01:15:21,650 --> 01:15:23,560
Well, what about
"Wodewick," then?

1099
01:15:23,650 --> 01:15:28,060
Yeah! Release "Wodewick"!
Release "Wodewick"!

1100
01:15:28,100 --> 01:15:32,980
"Centuwion,"
why do they titter so?

1101
01:15:34,230 --> 01:15:36,900
Just some,
uh, Jewish joke, sir.

1102
01:15:38,520 --> 01:15:41,400
Are they... "wagging" me?

1103
01:15:43,060 --> 01:15:46,480
- Oh, no, sir.

1104
01:15:46,560 --> 01:15:50,980
"Vewy" well.
I shall "welease" "Wodewick"!

1105
01:15:51,060 --> 01:15:53,020
- Sir, we don't have a Roderick, either.

1106
01:15:53,100 --> 01:15:56,350
- No "Woger," no "Wodewick."
- Sorry, sir.

1107
01:15:56,440 --> 01:16:01,310
Who is this "Wog" Who is
this "Wodewick" to whom you "wefer"?

1108
01:16:01,400 --> 01:16:04,230
- He's a "wobber"!

1109
01:16:04,310 --> 01:16:07,190
- And a "wapist"!

1110
01:16:07,230 --> 01:16:09,350
And a pickpocket!

1111
01:16:09,440 --> 01:16:11,400
- Yeah Shh! Shh!
- Shut up!

1112
01:16:12,980 --> 01:16:16,480
- He sounds a "notowious" "cwiminal."
- We haven't got him, sir.

1113
01:16:16,560 --> 01:16:19,310
Do we have anyone
in our "pwisons" at all?

1114
01:16:19,400 --> 01:16:22,310
- Oh, yes, sir. We got a Samson, sir.
- Samson?

1115
01:16:22,400 --> 01:16:26,650
Samson the Sadducee Strangler, sir.
Uh, Silus the Assyrian Assassin.

1116
01:16:26,730 --> 01:16:29,770
Uh, several seditious scribes
from Caesarea.

1117
01:16:29,850 --> 01:16:33,520
- Uh, 67
- Let me "thpeak" to them.

1118
01:16:33,560 --> 01:16:35,900
- Oh, no
- Yes, good idea, Biggus.

1119
01:16:35,980 --> 01:16:40,600
Citizens, we have
Samson the Sadducee Strangler,

1120
01:16:40,690 --> 01:16:43,350
Silus the Assyrian Assassin

1121
01:16:43,440 --> 01:16:46,980
- Several seditious scribes
from Caesarea.

1122
01:16:47,060 --> 01:16:49,060
Next.

1123
01:16:49,150 --> 01:16:51,520
- Crucifixion?
- Yes.

1124
01:16:51,560 --> 01:16:55,350
Good. Out of the door,
line on the left, one cross each.

1125
01:16:55,440 --> 01:16:57,810
- Jailer
- Excuse me. There's been
some sort of mistake.

1126
01:16:57,900 --> 01:17:01,560
Just a moment, would you?
Jailer, how many have come through?

1127
01:17:01,650 --> 01:17:03,730
What?

1128
01:17:03,810 --> 01:17:06,850
Uh, how many
have come through?

1129
01:17:06,940 --> 01:17:09,350
- What?
- YYYYou'll have to...

1130
01:17:09,440 --> 01:17:14,850
spespspespspspspeak up
a bit, sir.

1131
01:17:14,900 --> 01:17:17,850
- He'sHe'sHe's He's de
- Ah.

1132
01:17:17,900 --> 01:17:20,270
He's deaf He's deaf
He's deaf as a pppost, sir.

1133
01:17:20,350 --> 01:17:22,270
Oh, yes.

1134
01:17:22,350 --> 01:17:26,230
Uh, how many
have come through?

1135
01:17:29,230 --> 01:17:32,020
- Oh, dear.
- I make it ninetyf

1136
01:17:32,060 --> 01:17:36,440
ninetyf ninetyf

1137
01:17:36,520 --> 01:17:38,730
ninetysix, sir.

1138
01:17:38,810 --> 01:17:41,190
It's such a senseless waste
of human life, isn't it?

1139
01:17:41,230 --> 01:17:43,230
NNNNo, sir.

1140
01:17:43,270 --> 01:17:47,900
NNot with these bbastards, sir.

1141
01:17:47,940 --> 01:17:50,020
CC N

1142
01:17:50,100 --> 01:17:52,650
CCCru

1143
01:17:52,730 --> 01:17:56,060
CCrucifixion's
too good 'em, sir.

1144
01:17:56,150 --> 01:17:58,730
I don't think you can say it's
too good for them. It's very nasty.

1145
01:17:58,810 --> 01:18:03,350
Oh, it's not as nnnana

1146
01:18:03,400 --> 01:18:06,690
not as nasty as something
I just thought up, sir.

1147
01:18:06,730 --> 01:18:10,690
- Yeah. Now, crucifixion?
- ls there someone I can speak to?

1148
01:18:10,730 --> 01:18:14,270
- Well
I know where to get it, if you want it.

1149
01:18:14,350 --> 01:18:16,850
- What?
- DDon't worry about hihim, sir.

1150
01:18:16,940 --> 01:18:20,560
HHe's de He's de
He's dedede

1151
01:18:20,600 --> 01:18:25,400
- He's deaf and mad, sir.
- Well, how did he get the job?

1152
01:18:25,480 --> 01:18:28,650
- BBloody Pilate's pet, sir.

1153
01:18:28,730 --> 01:18:32,060
Get a move on, Big Nose. There's people
waitin' to be crucified out here.

1154
01:18:32,150 --> 01:18:34,310
- Could I see a lawyer or someone?

1155
01:18:34,400 --> 01:18:37,230
- Um, do, do you have a lawyer?
- No, but I'm a Roman.

1156
01:18:37,310 --> 01:18:40,190
How about a retrial?
We got plenty of time.

1157
01:18:40,230 --> 01:18:43,310
- Shut up, you!
- Miserable Romans. No sense of humor.

1158
01:18:43,400 --> 01:18:45,730
- I'm sorry. Bit of a hurry.

1159
01:18:45,770 --> 01:18:50,150
Can you go straight out?
Line on the left, one cross each. Now

1160
01:18:59,230 --> 01:19:01,310
Was it something I said?

1161
01:19:01,400 --> 01:19:04,520
- Silence!

1162
01:19:07,440 --> 01:19:10,730
This man commands
a "cwack" legion!

1163
01:19:16,190 --> 01:19:18,850
He "wanks" as high
as any in "Wome."

1164
01:19:21,980 --> 01:19:25,400
Crucifixion party.

1165
01:19:27,940 --> 01:19:32,100
Morning. Now, we will be on
a show as we go through the town,

1166
01:19:32,190 --> 01:19:34,150
so let's not
let the side down.

1167
01:19:34,230 --> 01:19:37,270
Keep in a straight line, three lengths
between you and the man in front...

1168
01:19:37,350 --> 01:19:39,600
and a good, steady pace.

1169
01:19:39,690 --> 01:19:41,900
Crosses over
your left shoulders,

1170
01:19:41,980 --> 01:19:44,560
and if you keep your backs
hard up against the cross beam,

1171
01:19:44,650 --> 01:19:46,560
- you'll be there in no time.

1172
01:19:46,650 --> 01:19:48,600
All right, centurion.

1173
01:19:48,690 --> 01:19:52,900
Crucifixion party
Wait for it!

1174
01:19:52,980 --> 01:19:58,900
Crucifixion party,
by the left, forward!

1175
01:20:03,310 --> 01:20:05,520
You lucky bastards!

1176
01:20:06,980 --> 01:20:10,690
You lucky, jammy bastards!

1177
01:20:19,020 --> 01:20:21,600
Let me shoulder
your burden, brother.

1178
01:20:21,690 --> 01:20:23,600
Oh, thank you.

1179
01:20:25,600 --> 01:20:28,400
- HHey! Hey!
- Hey, what do you think you're doing?

1180
01:20:28,440 --> 01:20:31,400
- Uh, it's not my cross.
- Shut up and get on with it!

1181
01:20:34,440 --> 01:20:38,850
He had you there, mate, didn't he?
That'll teach you a lesson.

1182
01:20:38,900 --> 01:20:41,730
- All right.

1183
01:20:41,810 --> 01:20:44,060
I'm gonna give you
one more chance.

1184
01:20:44,150 --> 01:20:47,190
This time I want to hear
no "Weubens,"

1185
01:20:47,270 --> 01:20:50,480
no "Weginalds,"

1186
01:20:50,560 --> 01:20:53,940
no "Wudolph
the Wednosed Weindeers."

1187
01:20:54,020 --> 01:20:57,980
No Spencer Tracys!
- Or we shall release no one!

1188
01:20:58,060 --> 01:21:01,350
- Release Brian!
- Oh, yeah. That's a good one.

1189
01:21:01,440 --> 01:21:06,230
"Welease" "Bwian"!
"Welease" "Bwian"!

1190
01:21:06,310 --> 01:21:09,060
"Vewy" well. That's it.

1191
01:21:09,150 --> 01:21:11,850
- Sir, we, uh, we have got a Brian, sir.
- What?

1192
01:21:11,900 --> 01:21:13,980
Uh, you just sent him
for crucifixion, sir.

1193
01:21:14,060 --> 01:21:17,060
Wait, wait.
We do have a "Bwian."

1194
01:21:17,150 --> 01:21:20,400
- Well, go and "wepwieve" him,
"stwaight" away.
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

1195
01:21:22,980 --> 01:21:24,980
"Vewy" well.

1196
01:21:25,060 --> 01:21:28,690
I shall... "welease" "Bwian"!

1197
01:21:32,230 --> 01:21:35,020
- Get a move on, there!
- Or what?

1198
01:21:35,100 --> 01:21:37,730
- Or you'll be in trouble.
- Oh, dear.

1199
01:21:37,810 --> 01:21:40,940
You mean I might have to give up
being crucified in the afternoons?

1200
01:21:41,020 --> 01:21:43,520
- Shut up!
- That would be a blow, wouldn't it?

1201
01:21:43,560 --> 01:21:47,020
I wouldn't have nothing to do.
Oh, thank you.

1202
01:21:50,400 --> 01:21:53,230
Are they gone?

1203
01:21:53,270 --> 01:21:57,520
WWe've got lumps of it
round the back.

1204
01:21:57,600 --> 01:22:00,520
- What?
- Oh, don't worry about him, sir.

1205
01:22:00,600 --> 01:22:03,350
He's ma
He's m He's ma

1206
01:22:03,440 --> 01:22:06,350
He's mm
He's mm

1207
01:22:06,440 --> 01:22:09,400
- He's mad, sir.
- Are they gone?

1208
01:22:10,480 --> 01:22:12,690
Oh, ye N

1209
01:22:12,730 --> 01:22:17,520
- I n Uh, I n NNNN

1210
01:22:17,560 --> 01:22:20,560
- NNNN
- Oh, come on!

1211
01:22:20,650 --> 01:22:23,060
Yes, sir.

1212
01:22:23,100 --> 01:22:26,900
- Anyway, get on with the story.
- Well, I knew she never
really liked him, so I just

1213
01:22:26,980 --> 01:22:28,520
Right.

1214
01:22:28,560 --> 01:22:30,850
That's the motion to get on with it,
passed with one abstention.

1215
01:22:30,940 --> 01:22:33,560
I propose we go without further ado.
May I have a seconder for

1216
01:22:33,650 --> 01:22:35,730
- Let's just go.
- Yeah.

1217
01:22:47,270 --> 01:22:49,230
Oh, no!

1218
01:22:51,310 --> 01:22:53,940
- Bloody Romans!
- Watch it!

1219
01:22:54,020 --> 01:22:55,980
There's still
a few crosses left.

1220
01:22:57,600 --> 01:23:00,150
Up you go, Big Nose.

1221
01:23:00,230 --> 01:23:03,190
- I'll get you for this, you bastard.
- Oh, yeah?

1222
01:23:03,270 --> 01:23:06,520
- Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face.
- No?

1223
01:23:06,600 --> 01:23:10,900
I warn you, I'm gonna punch you
so hard, you Roman git!

1224
01:23:10,980 --> 01:23:13,230
Shut up, you Jewish turd!

1225
01:23:13,310 --> 01:23:16,440
Who are you calling Jewish?
I'm not Jewish!

1226
01:23:16,520 --> 01:23:18,690
- I'm a Samaritan!
- A Samaritan?

1227
01:23:18,770 --> 01:23:20,560
This is supposed
to be a Jewish section.

1228
01:23:20,650 --> 01:23:24,520
It doesn't matter.
You're all gonna die in a day or two!

1229
01:23:24,560 --> 01:23:28,060
It may not matter to you, Roman,
but it certainly matters to us,
doesn't it, darling?

1230
01:23:28,150 --> 01:23:31,770
- Oh, rather!
- Under the terms
of the Roman occupancy,

1231
01:23:31,850 --> 01:23:34,810
we're entitled to be crucified
in a purely Jewish area.

1232
01:23:34,900 --> 01:23:37,440
Pharisees separate
from Sadducees.

1233
01:23:37,520 --> 01:23:40,650
- And Swedish separate from Welsh!

1234
01:23:40,730 --> 01:23:44,650
All right, all right, all right.
We'll soon settle this.

1235
01:23:44,730 --> 01:23:49,190
Hands up all those who don't
want to be crucified here.

1236
01:23:49,270 --> 01:23:52,310
- Right. Next!

1237
01:23:52,400 --> 01:23:55,350
- Uh, look. It's not my cross.
- What?

1238
01:23:55,400 --> 01:23:58,190
Um, it's not my cross.
I was, um, holding it for someone.

1239
01:23:58,270 --> 01:24:00,230
Just lie down.
I haven't got all day.

1240
01:24:00,270 --> 01:24:02,650
No, of course. Look.
I hate to make a fuss

1241
01:24:02,730 --> 01:24:06,020
Look. We've had a busy day.
There's 140 of you lot to get up.

1242
01:24:06,100 --> 01:24:08,650
- ls he Jewish?
- Will you be quiet?

1243
01:24:08,730 --> 01:24:10,980
We don't want any more
Samaritans around here.

1244
01:24:11,060 --> 01:24:14,310
Belt up!
Will you let me down if he comes back?

1245
01:24:14,400 --> 01:24:16,980
Yeah, yeah,
we'll let you down. Next!

1246
01:24:17,060 --> 01:24:19,850
You don't have to do this.
You don't have to take orders.

1247
01:24:19,940 --> 01:24:22,230
I like orders.

1248
01:24:44,600 --> 01:24:46,560
See? Not so bad,
once you're up.

1249
01:24:47,650 --> 01:24:49,560
You being rescued, then,
are you?

1250
01:24:49,650 --> 01:24:51,560
It's a bit late for that now,
isn't it?

1251
01:24:51,650 --> 01:24:54,020
Oh, now, now. We've got
a couple of days up here.

1252
01:24:54,060 --> 01:24:56,060
Plenty of time.
Lots of people get rescued.

1253
01:24:56,100 --> 01:24:59,600
- Oh?
- Yeah. My brother usually rescues me,

1254
01:24:59,690 --> 01:25:02,230
if he can keep off the tail
for more than 20 minutes.

1255
01:25:02,310 --> 01:25:04,270
- Oh?
- Randy little bugger.

1256
01:25:04,310 --> 01:25:06,650
Up and down like the Assyrian Empire.

1257
01:25:10,900 --> 01:25:13,230
Hello.
Your family arrived, then?

1258
01:25:13,310 --> 01:25:15,020
Reg!

1259
01:25:15,100 --> 01:25:18,520
- Hello, Sibling Brian.
- Thank God you've come, Reg.

1260
01:25:18,560 --> 01:25:23,190
Well, I think I should point out
first, Brian, in all fairness,
we are not the rescue committee.

1261
01:25:23,270 --> 01:25:26,100
However, I have been asked to read
the following prepared statement...

1262
01:25:26,190 --> 01:25:28,150
on behalf of the movement.

1263
01:25:28,230 --> 01:25:31,850
"We the People's Front of Judea
brackets, officials, end brackets

1264
01:25:31,900 --> 01:25:35,520
"do hereby convey our sincere
fraternal and sisterly greetings...

1265
01:25:35,560 --> 01:25:38,980
to you, Brian, on this,
the occasion of your martyrdom."

1266
01:25:39,060 --> 01:25:41,900
What?
"Your death will stand as a landmark...

1267
01:25:41,980 --> 01:25:44,900
"in the continuing struggle
to liberate the parent land...

1268
01:25:44,940 --> 01:25:47,520
"from the hands of the Roman
imperialist aggressors,

1269
01:25:47,600 --> 01:25:50,560
"excluding those concerned with
drainage, medicine, roads, housing,

1270
01:25:50,600 --> 01:25:53,730
"education, viniculture and any
other Romans contributing...

1271
01:25:53,810 --> 01:25:58,020
"to the welfare of Jews of
both sexes and hermaphrodites.

1272
01:25:58,100 --> 01:26:00,900
Signed, on behalf
of the P.F.J., etc."

1273
01:26:00,980 --> 01:26:04,480
And I'd just like to add,
on a personal note, my own admiration...

1274
01:26:04,560 --> 01:26:06,480
for what you're doing
for us, Brian,

1275
01:26:06,560 --> 01:26:09,730
and what must be, after all,
for you a very difficult time.

1276
01:26:09,810 --> 01:26:13,900
- Reg, wwhat are you going to
- Goodbye, Brian, and thanks.

1277
01:26:16,150 --> 01:26:18,150
Well done, Brian.
Keep it up, lad.

1278
01:26:18,230 --> 01:26:20,810
Terrific work, Brian.

1279
01:26:26,190 --> 01:26:28,350
Right. And

1280
01:26:28,400 --> 01:26:30,520
<i>For he's a jolly good fellow</i>

1281
01:26:30,600 --> 01:26:32,560
<i>For he's a jolly good fellow</i>

1282
01:26:32,600 --> 01:26:35,770
<i>For he's a jolly good fellow</i>

1283
01:26:35,850 --> 01:26:38,060
<i>And so say all of us</i>

1284
01:26:38,150 --> 01:26:40,270
<i>And so say all of</i>

1285
01:26:43,060 --> 01:26:44,980
You bastards!

1286
01:26:45,060 --> 01:26:50,520
- You bastards!
You sanctimonious bastards!
- Where is Brian of Nazareth?

1287
01:26:50,600 --> 01:26:53,980
- I have an order for his release.
- You stupid bastards!

1288
01:26:54,060 --> 01:26:56,350
- Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth.
- What?

1289
01:26:56,440 --> 01:26:58,400
- Yeah, Ill'm Brian of Nazareth.
- Take him down.

1290
01:26:58,480 --> 01:27:01,810
- I'm Brian of Nazareth!
- I'm Brian!

1291
01:27:01,900 --> 01:27:05,350
- I'm Brian!
- I'm Brian!

1292
01:27:05,440 --> 01:27:08,650
- I'm Brian!
- I'm Brian, and so's my wife!

1293
01:27:08,730 --> 01:27:11,560
- I'm Brian!
- I'm Brian!

1294
01:27:11,600 --> 01:27:13,190
Take him away
and release him.

1295
01:27:13,270 --> 01:27:18,190
No, I'm only joking. I'm not
really Brian. No, I'm not Brian.

1296
01:27:18,230 --> 01:27:21,480
I was only It was a joke.
I'm only pulling your leg.

1297
01:27:21,560 --> 01:27:26,310
It's a joke! I'm not him!
I'm just having you on! Put me back!

1298
01:27:26,400 --> 01:27:28,850
Bloody Romans.
Can't take a joke.

1299
01:27:38,020 --> 01:27:40,560
The Judean People's Front!

1300
01:27:40,650 --> 01:27:44,100
The Judean People's Front!

1301
01:27:44,190 --> 01:27:46,940
Forward all!

1302
01:27:50,900 --> 01:27:53,350
- Come on!
- The Judean People's Front!

1303
01:27:53,440 --> 01:27:56,190
- The Judean People's Front!

1304
01:28:02,810 --> 01:28:08,350
We are the Judean People's Front
Crack Suicide Squad.

1305
01:28:08,400 --> 01:28:12,020
Suicide Squad, attack!

1306
01:28:20,900 --> 01:28:23,060
That showed them.

1307
01:28:25,060 --> 01:28:29,520
- You silly sods.

1308
01:28:29,600 --> 01:28:33,350
Brian! Brian! Brian!

1309
01:28:33,440 --> 01:28:37,690
- Judith!
- Terrific! Great!

1310
01:28:37,730 --> 01:28:41,350
Reg has explained it all to me.
I think it's great, what you're doing.

1311
01:28:41,440 --> 01:28:43,400
Thank you, Brian.

1312
01:28:43,480 --> 01:28:46,150
I'll, I'll never forget you.

1313
01:28:54,600 --> 01:28:57,150
So there you are!

1314
01:28:57,230 --> 01:28:59,650
I might have known
it would end up like this.

1315
01:28:59,730 --> 01:29:03,690
To think of all the love and
affection I've wasted on you.

1316
01:29:03,770 --> 01:29:06,850
Well, if that's how you treat
your poor old mother...

1317
01:29:06,940 --> 01:29:09,020
in the autumn years
of her life,

1318
01:29:09,060 --> 01:29:12,560
all I can say is,
go ahead, be crucified!

1319
01:29:12,650 --> 01:29:15,150
See if I care.
I might have known

1320
01:29:15,230 --> 01:29:17,480
Mum!

1321
01:29:17,560 --> 01:29:21,850
- Mum!
- I don't know
what the world's coming to.

1322
01:29:27,230 --> 01:29:31,060
Cheer up, Brian.
You know what they say.

1323
01:29:31,150 --> 01:29:34,190
Some things in life are bad.

1324
01:29:34,270 --> 01:29:36,690
They can really make you mad.

1325
01:29:36,770 --> 01:29:40,770
Other things just
make you swear and curse.

1326
01:29:40,850 --> 01:29:43,600
<i>When you're chewing
on life's gristle</i>

1327
01:29:43,690 --> 01:29:47,190
<i>Don't grumble
Give a whistle</i>

1328
01:29:47,270 --> 01:29:51,310
<i>And this'll help things
turn out for the best</i>

1329
01:29:51,400 --> 01:29:53,350
<i>And</i>

1330
01:29:53,400 --> 01:29:58,060
<i>Always look
on the bright side of life</i>

1331
01:30:01,770 --> 01:30:06,520
<i>Always look
on the light side of life</i>

1332
01:30:09,060 --> 01:30:13,480
<i>lf life seems jolly rotten
there's something you've forgotten</i>

1333
01:30:13,560 --> 01:30:17,020
<i>And that's to laugh and smile
and dance and sing</i>

1334
01:30:17,100 --> 01:30:19,400
<i>When you're feeling in the dumps</i>

1335
01:30:19,440 --> 01:30:21,400
<i>Don't be silly chumps</i>

1336
01:30:21,480 --> 01:30:25,810
<i>Just purse your lips and
whistle, that's the thing</i>

1337
01:30:25,900 --> 01:30:30,440
<i>And always look
on the bright side of life</i>

1338
01:30:33,560 --> 01:30:38,440
<i>Always look
on the bright side of life</i>

1339
01:30:41,400 --> 01:30:43,650
<i>For life is quite absurd</i>

1340
01:30:43,730 --> 01:30:45,650
<i>And death's the final word</i>

1341
01:30:45,730 --> 01:30:49,060
<i>You must always face
the curtain with a bow</i>

1342
01:30:49,150 --> 01:30:51,350
<i>Forget about your sin</i>

1343
01:30:51,440 --> 01:30:53,400
<i>Give the audience a grin</i>

1344
01:30:53,440 --> 01:30:56,850
<i>Enjoy it, it's
your last chance anyhow</i>

1345
01:30:56,940 --> 01:31:02,520
<i>So always look
on the bright side of death</i>

1346
01:31:05,650 --> 01:31:10,480
<i>Just before you draw
your terminal breath</i>

1347
01:31:13,560 --> 01:31:17,400
<i>Life's a piece of shit
when you look at it</i>

1348
01:31:17,480 --> 01:31:21,350
<i>Life's a laugh and
death's a joke, it's true</i>

1349
01:31:21,400 --> 01:31:25,650
<i>You'll see it's all a show
People laughing as you go</i>

1350
01:31:25,730 --> 01:31:28,900
<i>Just remember that
the last laugh is on you</i>

1351
01:31:28,940 --> 01:31:34,230
<i>And always look
on the bright side of life</i>

1352
01:31:37,900 --> 01:31:42,810
<i>Always look
on the right side of life</i>

1353
01:31:42,900 --> 01:31:45,730
- Come on, Brian. Cheer up.

1354
01:31:45,770 --> 01:31:50,600
<i>Always look
on the bright side of life</i>

1355
01:31:53,980 --> 01:31:58,650
<i>Always look
on the right side of life</i>

1356
01:31:58,730 --> 01:32:01,650
Worse things happen
at sea, you know?

1357
01:32:01,730 --> 01:32:05,480
<i>Always look
on the bright side of life</i>

1358
01:32:05,560 --> 01:32:07,900
What have you got to lose?
You come from nothing.

1359
01:32:07,940 --> 01:32:10,440
You go back to nothing.
What have you lost?

1360
01:32:10,520 --> 01:32:14,520
- Nothing!
<i>- Always look
on the right side of life</i>

1361
01:32:14,600 --> 01:32:17,650
Nothing will come from nothing.
You know what they say?

1362
01:32:17,730 --> 01:32:19,650
- <i>Always look on</i>
- Cheer up, you old bugger.

1363
01:32:19,730 --> 01:32:22,480
- <i>The bright side of life</i>
- Give us a grin. There you are.

1364
01:32:22,560 --> 01:32:26,480
See? It's the end of the film.
Incidentally, this record's available in the foyer.

1365
01:32:26,560 --> 01:32:30,480
<i>Always look
on the right side of life</i>

1366
01:32:30,560 --> 01:32:33,560
Who do you think pays for all
this rubbish?

1367
01:32:33,650 --> 01:32:37,900
<i>Always look
on the bright side of life</i>

1368
01:32:37,980 --> 01:32:41,850
I told him. I said to him, "Bernie,
there'll never make their money back."

1369
01:32:41,900 --> 01:32:46,190
<i>Always look
on the right side of life</i>