1 00:00:00,720 --> 00:00:03,765 Oh, God, guys, I'm still really hungover. 2 00:00:03,769 --> 00:00:05,135 Did I really ruin a wedding? 3 00:00:05,137 --> 00:00:07,504 No, you didn't ruin a wedding. 4 00:00:07,506 --> 00:00:08,906 Just the reception. 5 00:00:08,908 --> 00:00:10,841 And the bar mitzvah next door. 6 00:00:10,843 --> 00:00:12,526 And my dress. 7 00:00:12,528 --> 00:00:14,778 And your dress. You put on a dress at one point. 8 00:00:14,780 --> 00:00:17,114 Okay, you know what, that's it. 9 00:00:17,116 --> 00:00:19,783 I'm about to be a dad, and I want to be 10 00:00:19,785 --> 00:00:22,435 the kind of man that my child can look up to. 11 00:00:22,437 --> 00:00:24,905 So, sweeping declaration-- 12 00:00:24,907 --> 00:00:29,209 I am never getting drunk again as long as I live. 13 00:00:29,211 --> 00:00:31,277 I'm serious. 14 00:00:31,279 --> 00:00:33,764 Kids, it's not that your Uncle Marshall 15 00:00:33,766 --> 00:00:35,065 had a drinking problem. 16 00:00:35,067 --> 00:00:37,184 But whenever he made a sweeping declaration like that, 17 00:00:37,186 --> 00:00:39,019 you pretty much knew... 18 00:00:40,621 --> 00:00:41,888 I did it again. 19 00:00:41,890 --> 00:00:44,174 But I'm getting ahead of myself. 20 00:00:45,393 --> 00:00:47,344 What happened to your leg? 21 00:00:47,346 --> 00:00:48,812 Oh, nothing. 22 00:00:48,814 --> 00:00:50,514 I'm meeting Nora for coffee. 23 00:00:50,516 --> 00:00:52,933 She's still mad at me, so I need some sympathy points. 24 00:00:52,935 --> 00:00:54,300 She likes musicals, so I'm going 25 00:00:54,302 --> 00:00:55,802 to tell her I fell off the stage 26 00:00:55,804 --> 00:00:57,521 during a performance of Man of La Mancha. 27 00:00:57,523 --> 00:00:58,638 What do you think? 28 00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:00,273 Lose the cast. 29 00:01:00,275 --> 00:01:02,909 A one-man show-- I like it! 30 00:01:02,911 --> 00:01:05,112 Just so we're clear-- 31 00:01:05,114 --> 00:01:08,332 this woman is mad at you because you lied to her. 32 00:01:08,334 --> 00:01:11,118 So your solution is to pretend you broke your leg? 33 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:13,203 You're right. 34 00:01:13,205 --> 00:01:15,372 A neck brace. Thanks, Lil. 35 00:01:15,374 --> 00:01:17,674 Man, I wish I'd have talked to you sooner. 36 00:01:17,676 --> 00:01:19,309 I've been practicing with these crutches all day 37 00:01:19,311 --> 00:01:21,345 and whoever left them in my lobby 38 00:01:21,347 --> 00:01:22,462 probably really needs 'em. 39 00:01:22,464 --> 00:01:24,664 Well, uh, I have some good news. 40 00:01:24,666 --> 00:01:28,051 As you all know, I recently decided to get back out there 41 00:01:28,053 --> 00:01:30,954 and start dating again. And, uh, well... 42 00:01:34,609 --> 00:01:36,626 Is this you? 43 00:01:36,628 --> 00:01:39,730 Uh, yeah. Hi. 44 00:01:39,732 --> 00:01:40,864 I'm Ted. 45 00:01:40,866 --> 00:01:42,132 - Hi. - Hi. 46 00:01:42,134 --> 00:01:44,284 That's great, Ted. 47 00:01:44,286 --> 00:01:46,186 Yeah. Yeah, it was a moment of pure destiny. 48 00:01:46,188 --> 00:01:48,655 The kind you just can't manufacture. 49 00:01:48,657 --> 00:01:50,690 Or so I thought. 50 00:01:53,661 --> 00:01:56,696 Oh, no. How did I get on there? 51 00:01:56,698 --> 00:01:58,648 Hi. Ted Mosby. 52 00:01:59,500 --> 00:02:00,867 Guilty. 53 00:02:00,869 --> 00:02:02,669 Hi. Ted Mosby. 54 00:02:02,671 --> 00:02:04,421 That is embarrassing. 55 00:02:04,423 --> 00:02:08,642 I should be on the cover of Egg On My Face magazine. 56 00:02:08,644 --> 00:02:09,843 But I'm not. 57 00:02:09,845 --> 00:02:11,978 I'm on the cover of this one. 58 00:02:11,980 --> 00:02:14,131 Hi. Ted Mosby. 59 00:02:14,133 --> 00:02:16,149 16 moments of pure destiny 60 00:02:16,151 --> 00:02:18,852 in one day, and of those 16, 61 00:02:18,854 --> 00:02:20,937 ten were single. 62 00:02:20,939 --> 00:02:24,107 Of those ten, seven liked what they saw. 63 00:02:24,109 --> 00:02:25,759 Of those seven, 64 00:02:25,761 --> 00:02:27,727 four were women. 65 00:02:27,729 --> 00:02:30,080 Of those four, 66 00:02:30,082 --> 00:02:31,364 two gave me their real number. 67 00:02:31,366 --> 00:02:34,167 And I have a date with both of them. 68 00:02:34,169 --> 00:02:35,952 Okay. 69 00:02:37,705 --> 00:02:39,005 Guys, 70 00:02:39,007 --> 00:02:40,640 it's Garrison Cootes. 71 00:02:40,642 --> 00:02:42,592 Kids, Garrison Cootes was a senior partner 72 00:02:42,594 --> 00:02:44,244 at Honeywell & Cootes. 73 00:02:44,246 --> 00:02:45,796 One of the biggest environmental law firms 74 00:02:45,798 --> 00:02:47,230 in America. 75 00:02:47,232 --> 00:02:49,299 Marshall would have given anything to work there. 76 00:02:49,301 --> 00:02:51,635 If I don't get this job, I might end up working 77 00:02:51,637 --> 00:02:52,853 at, like, a Taco Bell somewhere. 78 00:02:52,855 --> 00:02:54,354 And nobody wants that. 79 00:02:54,356 --> 00:02:57,040 Or maybe you guys want that, because you'll get free tacos, 80 00:02:57,042 --> 00:02:58,391 'cause your my peeps. 81 00:02:58,393 --> 00:03:01,812 But right now I need all of you to calm down! 82 00:03:03,098 --> 00:03:05,532 Hello. 83 00:03:05,534 --> 00:03:07,200 Marshall, this is Garrison Cootes. 84 00:03:07,202 --> 00:03:09,035 Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, 85 00:03:09,037 --> 00:03:11,238 but I've just been swamped. 86 00:03:12,574 --> 00:03:15,275 Which is funny, 'cause I'm literally 87 00:03:15,277 --> 00:03:17,077 standing in a swamp. 88 00:03:18,914 --> 00:03:22,082 Anyway, I'm just out here, I'm just collecting some samples 89 00:03:22,084 --> 00:03:24,284 for this pollution case we're working on. 90 00:03:24,286 --> 00:03:26,253 I love the work you guys do. That's a croc... 91 00:03:26,255 --> 00:03:27,305 No, I mean it. 92 00:03:27,330 --> 00:03:29,767 No, no, there's a crocodile about five feet away from me. 93 00:03:29,892 --> 00:03:31,308 So I'm just going to ignore 94 00:03:31,310 --> 00:03:33,560 the hot urine filling my waders as we speak, 95 00:03:33,562 --> 00:03:35,962 and tell you that we're very interested. 96 00:03:35,964 --> 00:03:36,963 He's interested. 97 00:03:36,965 --> 00:03:38,648 Obviously we have to do some sort 98 00:03:38,650 --> 00:03:40,934 of credit check, you know, a criminal record 99 00:03:40,936 --> 00:03:43,570 and Google search, but as long as nothing unseemly turns up, 100 00:03:43,572 --> 00:03:44,938 you're good to go, man. 101 00:03:44,940 --> 00:03:46,857 That is fantastic, Mr. Cootes! 102 00:03:46,859 --> 00:03:48,241 Well, I gotta run. 103 00:03:49,912 --> 00:03:51,444 This is so funny, 104 00:03:51,446 --> 00:03:55,248 because, actually, I physically have to run now. 105 00:03:55,250 --> 00:03:58,498 - Croc saw you? - He's advancing, yeah. 106 00:03:58,592 --> 00:04:02,592 ♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x02 ♪ The Naked Truth Original Air Date on September 19, 2011 107 00:04:02,617 --> 00:04:06,617 == sync, corrected by elderman == 108 00:04:11,599 --> 00:04:14,134 The next night, Barney met Nora for coffee. 109 00:04:14,136 --> 00:04:16,570 Thankfully, without the ridiculous leg cast. 110 00:04:16,572 --> 00:04:19,606 Hey, Nora, thanks for meeting me here. 111 00:04:19,608 --> 00:04:20,757 What happened to your neck? 112 00:04:20,759 --> 00:04:23,176 My wha...? Oh, it's nothing. 113 00:04:23,178 --> 00:04:26,512 I was performing in a one-man show of Fiddler. 114 00:04:26,514 --> 00:04:28,281 There was this roof. 115 00:04:28,283 --> 00:04:30,500 Wow, that one has fantastic ta-tas. 116 00:04:30,502 --> 00:04:31,651 What, where? 117 00:04:31,653 --> 00:04:32,869 Oh... Oh, damn it. 118 00:04:32,871 --> 00:04:34,004 Ta-ta. 119 00:04:34,006 --> 00:04:36,189 Wait, Nora, wait... No, look, please don't. 120 00:04:36,191 --> 00:04:37,190 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 121 00:04:37,192 --> 00:04:38,592 What is the matter with you? 122 00:04:38,594 --> 00:04:40,627 What kind of person needs to lie like that. 123 00:04:40,629 --> 00:04:43,363 A person who really, really likes you. 124 00:04:43,365 --> 00:04:45,632 And suspects, probably accurately, 125 00:04:45,634 --> 00:04:47,217 that you're way out of his league, 126 00:04:47,219 --> 00:04:49,469 and so he feels the need to... 127 00:04:51,088 --> 00:04:52,672 I'm sorry, you were kidding 128 00:04:52,674 --> 00:04:54,057 about the fantastic ta-tas, right? 129 00:04:54,059 --> 00:04:55,197 'Cause I'm looking around and I do not see 'em... 130 00:04:58,263 --> 00:05:00,063 I just had two back-to-back dates. 131 00:05:00,065 --> 00:05:02,732 That's right, two lovely ladies, 132 00:05:02,734 --> 00:05:06,736 four large cappuccinos, and... one sec. 133 00:05:07,940 --> 00:05:10,907 And I don't know which date was more awesome. 134 00:05:10,909 --> 00:05:12,576 Let's meet the girls. 135 00:05:12,578 --> 00:05:14,861 Jessica is a Rhodes scholar. 136 00:05:14,863 --> 00:05:16,396 She's traveled all over the world. 137 00:05:16,398 --> 00:05:19,065 Speaks four languages, is a concert pianist. 138 00:05:19,067 --> 00:05:22,852 And Claire reached for the check. 139 00:05:22,854 --> 00:05:23,970 So I don't know. 140 00:05:23,972 --> 00:05:25,305 It's a squeaker. 141 00:05:25,307 --> 00:05:26,573 I mean, both of these girls 142 00:05:26,575 --> 00:05:29,426 have the potential to be something really special. 143 00:05:29,428 --> 00:05:31,380 They both move on to the next round. 144 00:05:31,398 --> 00:05:32,363 Wait a minute. 145 00:05:32,464 --> 00:05:34,381 You're going to date two girls at once? 146 00:05:34,383 --> 00:05:36,132 Don't you think you should just choose one 147 00:05:36,134 --> 00:05:37,267 before it gets serious? 148 00:05:37,269 --> 00:05:38,351 Define serious. 149 00:05:38,353 --> 00:05:40,086 Well, that's complicated. 150 00:05:40,088 --> 00:05:42,472 I guess you have to weigh expectations, 151 00:05:42,474 --> 00:05:43,723 emotional investments... 152 00:05:43,725 --> 00:05:44,991 Third base. 153 00:05:44,993 --> 00:05:46,393 Seriously, third base. 154 00:05:46,395 --> 00:05:48,862 So I can go to second base with both of these girls, no problem? 155 00:05:48,864 --> 00:05:51,081 Oh, honk away, my friend. Yeah, honk away. 156 00:05:51,765 --> 00:05:53,316 Oh, no. 157 00:05:53,318 --> 00:05:55,518 Ever since Mr. Cootes mentioned the background check, 158 00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:57,587 Marshall had been scouring the Internet. 159 00:05:57,589 --> 00:06:00,040 Most of what he found was pretty harmless. 160 00:06:00,042 --> 00:06:03,276 In some cases, really awesome, until... 161 00:06:03,278 --> 00:06:04,411 Not good. 162 00:06:04,413 --> 00:06:06,913 This-- this is not good. 163 00:06:07,781 --> 00:06:09,382 Thanks, Stacy. 164 00:06:09,384 --> 00:06:11,635 Wesleyan has a new cafeteria, 165 00:06:11,637 --> 00:06:13,586 thanks to the generous endowment from-- 166 00:06:13,588 --> 00:06:14,971 Oh, ho-ho! 167 00:06:14,973 --> 00:06:18,174 Did somebody say generous endowment? 168 00:06:18,176 --> 00:06:24,814 I'm Marshall Eriksen, but you can call me Beercules! 169 00:06:32,156 --> 00:06:34,640 Well, that could be anybody. 170 00:06:38,305 --> 00:06:41,184 Oh, man, I forgot about Beercules. 171 00:06:41,789 --> 00:06:43,622 Who made this Web site anyway? 172 00:06:43,624 --> 00:06:46,067 - Pete Durkenson. - Of course. 173 00:06:46,068 --> 00:06:49,212 Is that the guy who convinced you to run across campus naked? 174 00:06:49,213 --> 00:06:51,130 I was pledging his frat, 175 00:06:51,132 --> 00:06:53,215 which I gave up on after three days, 176 00:06:53,217 --> 00:06:55,701 because frats are stupid and elitist 177 00:06:55,703 --> 00:06:58,203 and also I found out he wasn't in a frat. 178 00:06:58,205 --> 00:07:00,255 Oh, my God. 179 00:07:00,257 --> 00:07:01,557 This is awesome. 180 00:07:01,559 --> 00:07:04,276 I just got invited to the Architects' Ball, 181 00:07:04,278 --> 00:07:07,729 the annual gala that honors the city's greatest architects. 182 00:07:07,731 --> 00:07:10,899 Oh, no, you guys see why this sucks, right? 183 00:07:10,901 --> 00:07:12,568 Because it's an annual gala 184 00:07:12,570 --> 00:07:14,153 honoring the city's greatest architects? 185 00:07:14,155 --> 00:07:17,873 Robin, this is the social event of the year. 186 00:07:17,875 --> 00:07:20,242 You take a girl to the Architects' Ball, 187 00:07:20,244 --> 00:07:22,611 brother, you're going to third base. 188 00:07:22,613 --> 00:07:23,912 Whichever girl 189 00:07:23,914 --> 00:07:25,414 I take as my date, 190 00:07:25,416 --> 00:07:28,333 she will be Miss Ted Mosby's girlfriend 191 00:07:28,335 --> 00:07:29,902 by the end of the night. 192 00:07:31,037 --> 00:07:32,921 Okay, no more sitting on the fence. 193 00:07:32,923 --> 00:07:35,090 Robin, get me my legal pad. 194 00:07:35,092 --> 00:07:37,092 It's pros and cons time! 195 00:07:38,562 --> 00:07:41,697 And kids, they really cheered. 196 00:07:41,699 --> 00:07:43,982 Let me make one thing very clear to you. 197 00:07:43,984 --> 00:07:46,952 I don't date guys who lie to me. 198 00:07:46,954 --> 00:07:49,154 Well, see, I did not know that. 199 00:07:49,156 --> 00:07:50,305 My bad. 200 00:07:50,307 --> 00:07:52,274 So, from here on in, no more lies. 201 00:07:52,276 --> 00:07:55,177 I will never lie to you again. 202 00:07:56,012 --> 00:07:57,613 I'm serious. Ask me anything. 203 00:07:57,615 --> 00:08:00,048 Okay. 204 00:08:00,050 --> 00:08:01,116 Have you ever successfully 205 00:08:01,118 --> 00:08:03,502 gotten a woman in bed by lying to her? 206 00:08:03,504 --> 00:08:06,121 Have I ever... 207 00:08:08,791 --> 00:08:12,711 If I'm being totally honest... 208 00:08:14,764 --> 00:08:16,215 Yes. 209 00:08:16,217 --> 00:08:18,133 More than once? 210 00:08:18,135 --> 00:08:20,469 More than once... 211 00:08:20,471 --> 00:08:22,554 Wow, that's... 212 00:08:24,525 --> 00:08:27,559 I guess if we're splitting hairs, 213 00:08:27,561 --> 00:08:31,396 then, technically... there was a plurality 214 00:08:31,398 --> 00:08:35,701 to the times I've lied to women for sex having purposes. 215 00:08:35,703 --> 00:08:36,919 What were they? 216 00:08:36,921 --> 00:08:38,921 Nines and tens mostly. 217 00:08:38,923 --> 00:08:40,572 There was a four once. 218 00:08:40,574 --> 00:08:41,957 She was a slump buster. 219 00:08:41,959 --> 00:08:45,577 But, Nora, after that, I had a run that you would not believe. 220 00:08:45,579 --> 00:08:48,046 Man, honesty feels good. 221 00:08:48,048 --> 00:08:49,731 What were the lies? 222 00:08:49,733 --> 00:08:52,334 You want me to tell you every lie I've ever told a woman 223 00:08:52,336 --> 00:08:53,502 to get her into bed? 224 00:08:53,504 --> 00:08:56,221 A bed or any other place you had sex with her. 225 00:08:56,223 --> 00:08:57,456 Oh, you're good. 226 00:08:58,626 --> 00:09:00,809 Pete, Pete. Hey. 227 00:09:00,811 --> 00:09:02,928 Beercules! 228 00:09:02,930 --> 00:09:04,212 Bring it in, dude. 229 00:09:04,214 --> 00:09:06,348 Hey, I've been trying to call you, 230 00:09:06,350 --> 00:09:07,716 like, all night. 231 00:09:07,718 --> 00:09:08,984 Oh, my God, sorry. 232 00:09:08,986 --> 00:09:10,986 I would have answered, but it is Tuesday night. 233 00:09:10,988 --> 00:09:11,820 It's Sunday. 234 00:09:11,822 --> 00:09:13,605 And you know what that means. 235 00:09:13,607 --> 00:09:15,691 "Edward Forty Hands." 236 00:09:15,693 --> 00:09:17,759 Kids, "Edward Forty Hands" 237 00:09:17,761 --> 00:09:20,229 is a game that involves taping two 40-ounce bottles 238 00:09:20,231 --> 00:09:22,564 of malt liquor to your hands. 239 00:09:22,566 --> 00:09:24,299 The object is to finish both bottle-- 240 00:09:24,301 --> 00:09:26,201 Oh, my God, why am I telling you this? 241 00:09:26,203 --> 00:09:27,369 Let's move on. 242 00:09:27,371 --> 00:09:30,905 Okay, you know that old video of me streaking? 243 00:09:30,907 --> 00:09:33,074 I watch it every day. 244 00:09:33,076 --> 00:09:35,928 Well, I need you to take it down off the Internet. 245 00:09:35,930 --> 00:09:37,346 Like, right now. 246 00:09:37,348 --> 00:09:39,080 There are two ways that can happen. 247 00:09:39,082 --> 00:09:41,216 One, you can give me $4 million, 248 00:09:41,218 --> 00:09:44,436 or... you can help me go to the bathroom, 249 00:09:44,438 --> 00:09:45,938 because I... I can't... 250 00:09:45,940 --> 00:09:49,808 Yeah, those are two non-negotiable no's. 251 00:09:49,810 --> 00:09:51,777 Well, I'm sorry we could not do business together. 252 00:09:51,779 --> 00:09:53,061 But if you'll excuse me, 253 00:09:53,063 --> 00:09:55,447 I'm in the middle of a game of "Edward Forty Hands," 254 00:09:55,449 --> 00:09:57,532 and the competition is fierce. 255 00:09:57,534 --> 00:10:00,268 Who are you playing with, anyway? 256 00:10:00,270 --> 00:10:03,438 Just myself. 257 00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:06,041 Meanwhile, Barney continued listing every lie 258 00:10:06,043 --> 00:10:07,292 he'd ever told to get laid. 259 00:10:07,294 --> 00:10:09,728 There's no time to explain how I got bit there. 260 00:10:09,730 --> 00:10:11,863 I just need someone to suck the poison out. 261 00:10:11,865 --> 00:10:14,032 The surgeons gave me a new face, 262 00:10:14,034 --> 00:10:15,050 honey. 263 00:10:15,052 --> 00:10:16,685 Aren't you relieved I'm alive? 264 00:10:16,687 --> 00:10:19,421 Me llamo David Beckham. 265 00:10:19,423 --> 00:10:22,207 If I were only casting The White Swan 266 00:10:22,209 --> 00:10:23,508 the role would be yours. 267 00:10:23,510 --> 00:10:25,711 No, I am a lesbian. 268 00:10:25,713 --> 00:10:28,614 This thing that I'm wearing is just really lifelike. 269 00:10:28,616 --> 00:10:30,349 Okay, let's skip ahead. 270 00:10:30,351 --> 00:10:31,483 What's the worst one? 271 00:10:31,485 --> 00:10:32,768 The lowest of the low? 272 00:10:32,770 --> 00:10:34,186 The creme de la creepy? 273 00:10:34,188 --> 00:10:37,990 Uh... Oh, I once pulled The Soul Man. 274 00:10:37,992 --> 00:10:41,326 There was this beautiful girl who only dated black guys... 275 00:10:41,328 --> 00:10:45,130 Barnell! Ooh, I knew it! 276 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:49,334 I can't decide. 277 00:10:49,336 --> 00:10:50,836 They're both awesome. 278 00:10:50,838 --> 00:10:53,639 If only architects had two balls, right, Ted? 279 00:10:53,641 --> 00:10:55,507 I got this. 280 00:10:55,509 --> 00:10:57,009 Ted, left or right? 281 00:10:57,011 --> 00:10:58,326 Yes, yes, great idea. 282 00:10:58,328 --> 00:10:59,961 Let the fates decide, huh? 283 00:10:59,963 --> 00:11:02,114 I will pick left. 284 00:11:02,116 --> 00:11:03,298 Just call one of 'em. 285 00:11:03,300 --> 00:11:04,299 Ugh! 286 00:11:04,301 --> 00:11:05,634 Ted, deep in your heart, 287 00:11:05,636 --> 00:11:07,936 you know that you kind of like one 288 00:11:07,938 --> 00:11:08,804 more than the other. 289 00:11:08,806 --> 00:11:10,305 Trust me-- take the other. 290 00:11:10,307 --> 00:11:13,308 Um, maybe I haven't this is... 291 00:11:13,310 --> 00:11:15,677 the Architects' Ball, Robin. 292 00:11:15,679 --> 00:11:16,778 It's a star-studded event. 293 00:11:16,780 --> 00:11:19,013 Okay, name one celebrity who's gonna be there. 294 00:11:19,015 --> 00:11:20,348 Uh... Lenny Kravitz. 295 00:11:20,350 --> 00:11:21,800 Lenny Kravitz is gonna be there? 296 00:11:21,802 --> 00:11:23,235 Yeah. He's there every year. 297 00:11:23,237 --> 00:11:24,453 And that guy's a rock star. 298 00:11:24,455 --> 00:11:27,706 You know, Ted, I've been thinking-- 299 00:11:27,708 --> 00:11:30,876 it's too soon to narrow it down between these two girls. 300 00:11:30,878 --> 00:11:31,993 Just take a friend. 301 00:11:31,995 --> 00:11:34,830 Like I... I don't know, maybe, uh, a friend 302 00:11:34,832 --> 00:11:37,999 who had a poster of Lenny Kravitz on her wall, 303 00:11:38,001 --> 00:11:40,719 and may or may not have, perhaps, 304 00:11:40,721 --> 00:11:43,655 dated that poster, on and off, throughout high school. 305 00:11:44,724 --> 00:11:47,375 This pros and cons list isn't cutting it. 306 00:11:48,978 --> 00:11:50,712 I need a color chart. 307 00:11:51,681 --> 00:11:52,931 Color chart! Color chart! 308 00:11:52,933 --> 00:11:56,334 And, kids, we all really chanted. 309 00:11:56,336 --> 00:11:57,352 Pete, please. 310 00:11:57,354 --> 00:11:59,154 I'm unemployed. 311 00:11:59,156 --> 00:12:00,439 I have a huge mortgage. 312 00:12:00,441 --> 00:12:01,940 I have a baby on the way. 313 00:12:01,942 --> 00:12:04,693 And now, I'm about to lose a job I really need 314 00:12:04,695 --> 00:12:06,578 because of a 15-year-old prank! 315 00:12:06,580 --> 00:12:08,113 Ugh! Do you hear yourself? 316 00:12:08,115 --> 00:12:09,581 Beercules, what happened? 317 00:12:09,583 --> 00:12:10,816 You're like a different person. 318 00:12:11,784 --> 00:12:13,668 The guy in that video was awesome. 319 00:12:13,670 --> 00:12:16,254 He had potential. 320 00:12:16,256 --> 00:12:18,540 He could have been president of the frat one day. 321 00:12:18,542 --> 00:12:20,208 There was no frat! 322 00:12:20,210 --> 00:12:21,376 Now he's just a bummer. 323 00:12:21,378 --> 00:12:23,578 It's not like I want to be a bummer. 324 00:12:23,580 --> 00:12:26,098 I just... I have to be. 325 00:12:26,100 --> 00:12:27,582 I'm gonna be a dad. 326 00:12:27,584 --> 00:12:28,850 You'll have kids someday. 327 00:12:28,852 --> 00:12:29,968 You'll understand. 328 00:12:29,970 --> 00:12:32,587 Dude, I have four kids. 329 00:12:32,589 --> 00:12:35,757 Pete, please take the video down. 330 00:12:36,776 --> 00:12:38,777 All right, Beercules, I'll take the video down. 331 00:12:38,779 --> 00:12:40,228 If... 332 00:12:40,230 --> 00:12:43,315 you can best me in a game of my own choosing. 333 00:12:43,317 --> 00:12:44,566 Oh, no... 334 00:12:44,568 --> 00:12:47,035 And I select the beautiful game, 335 00:12:47,037 --> 00:12:48,269 the sweet science... 336 00:12:48,271 --> 00:12:50,071 Pete, please, I'm so hungover... 337 00:12:50,073 --> 00:12:51,156 ...the sport of kings... 338 00:12:51,158 --> 00:12:53,125 I don't want to play "Edward Forty Hands." 339 00:12:53,127 --> 00:12:54,275 I was gonna say darts-- 340 00:12:54,277 --> 00:12:57,078 but "Edward Forty Hands" it is! 341 00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:59,881 And that concludes all the space-related lies. 342 00:12:59,883 --> 00:13:02,584 Let's move on to the world of sports. 343 00:13:02,586 --> 00:13:05,554 Oh, wait, sorry-- I just thought of another space one. 344 00:13:05,556 --> 00:13:07,889 "I've been bitten by a moon snake. 345 00:13:07,891 --> 00:13:10,458 You need to suck all the space poison out of my--" 346 00:13:10,460 --> 00:13:12,144 Okay, Barney, uh, 347 00:13:12,146 --> 00:13:13,678 I have to be at work tomorrow at 8:00, 348 00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:15,347 which means I have just about enough time 349 00:13:15,349 --> 00:13:17,749 to sit in a shower for 11 hours, hugging myself. 350 00:13:20,086 --> 00:13:21,236 So this was fun. 351 00:13:21,238 --> 00:13:22,454 Can I call you, or...? 352 00:13:22,456 --> 00:13:25,607 Barney, you're funny, handsome 353 00:13:25,609 --> 00:13:27,275 and really quite clever. 354 00:13:27,277 --> 00:13:29,444 But you're also a sociopath. 355 00:13:29,446 --> 00:13:31,346 Well, I count three pros and one con, so... 356 00:13:31,348 --> 00:13:33,832 How do you still think you have a chance with me? 357 00:13:33,834 --> 00:13:36,168 Because you sat here all night. 358 00:13:36,170 --> 00:13:38,320 You could've left right away, but you didn't. 359 00:13:39,288 --> 00:13:43,758 Look, Nora, all those lies-- that's the old me. 360 00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:46,561 But I swear to you, I am trying to change. 361 00:13:46,563 --> 00:13:50,465 You... make me want to change. 362 00:13:50,467 --> 00:13:53,351 How do I know that's not a lie? 363 00:13:53,353 --> 00:13:55,070 I'll prove it. 364 00:13:55,072 --> 00:13:56,938 I will prove how serious I am. 365 00:13:56,940 --> 00:13:59,674 I will not leave this diner 366 00:13:59,676 --> 00:14:02,878 until I get a second date with you. 367 00:14:03,980 --> 00:14:05,197 Good-bye, Barney. 368 00:14:05,648 --> 00:14:07,032 I'm not kidding. 369 00:14:07,034 --> 00:14:08,483 This is a 24-hour diner. 370 00:14:08,485 --> 00:14:12,120 I'll stay here forever, if I have to-- and I will! 371 00:14:13,990 --> 00:14:15,690 Just water for me. Thanks. 372 00:14:18,193 --> 00:14:20,996 Okay, so red indicates level of attractiveness, 373 00:14:20,998 --> 00:14:23,465 blue-- intellectual stimulation, 374 00:14:23,467 --> 00:14:25,050 green-- emotional connection, 375 00:14:25,052 --> 00:14:27,702 yellow-- compatibility of life goals, 376 00:14:27,704 --> 00:14:31,205 and purple-- whether or not she reached for the check. 377 00:14:32,041 --> 00:14:33,642 Well, it looks like Jessica's ahead 378 00:14:33,644 --> 00:14:35,710 in the first four categories. 379 00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:40,415 Did not reach for the check... 380 00:14:42,852 --> 00:14:44,052 Oh, this? 381 00:14:45,221 --> 00:14:46,721 No big deal. This... 382 00:14:46,723 --> 00:14:48,356 This cost three months rent, 383 00:14:48,358 --> 00:14:50,025 and, uh, I've never gotten to wear it, 384 00:14:50,027 --> 00:14:52,861 because I bought it for that big event that you invited me to, 385 00:14:52,863 --> 00:14:54,395 which then fell through. 386 00:14:54,397 --> 00:14:55,830 But, you know what? 387 00:14:55,832 --> 00:14:57,449 Don't feel guilty about that. 388 00:14:57,451 --> 00:14:58,416 What big event? 389 00:14:58,418 --> 00:14:59,567 That thing with your uncle. 390 00:14:59,569 --> 00:15:01,353 His funeral? 391 00:15:02,088 --> 00:15:03,204 It didn't fall through, 392 00:15:03,206 --> 00:15:04,706 he miraculously came out of a coma. 393 00:15:04,708 --> 00:15:06,508 And I forgive you. 394 00:15:06,510 --> 00:15:09,094 Now, can I please meet Lenny Kravitz? 395 00:15:12,414 --> 00:15:13,882 I did it again! 396 00:15:13,884 --> 00:15:15,800 Aw, honey. 397 00:15:15,802 --> 00:15:17,085 You got drunk again. 398 00:15:17,087 --> 00:15:19,721 I can't believe I took the over. 399 00:15:19,723 --> 00:15:24,192 Just to be clear, "I did it again" is not a reference... 400 00:15:24,194 --> 00:15:26,761 to my current state of inebriation. 401 00:15:26,763 --> 00:15:28,930 What's it a reference to? 402 00:15:28,932 --> 00:15:30,899 My name is Marshall Eriksen. 403 00:15:30,901 --> 00:15:32,884 I'm 33 years old. 404 00:15:32,886 --> 00:15:37,956 And if my potential future employer, Garrison Cootes, 405 00:15:37,958 --> 00:15:40,441 is watching this... 406 00:15:40,443 --> 00:15:43,128 bow down to Beercules! 407 00:15:50,086 --> 00:15:51,920 Well, that could be anybody. 408 00:15:57,362 --> 00:15:58,694 Oh, goodness. 409 00:16:06,076 --> 00:16:07,985 Pete, this is Lily Aldrin. 410 00:16:07,986 --> 00:16:09,719 I'm gonna make this real simple: 411 00:16:09,721 --> 00:16:11,571 You're gonna take down that video of Marshall. 412 00:16:11,573 --> 00:16:12,972 You know why? 413 00:16:12,974 --> 00:16:16,025 Because I'm friends with three girls who dated you in college, 414 00:16:16,027 --> 00:16:18,527 and girls tell each other everything. 415 00:16:18,529 --> 00:16:21,214 Every tiny detail. 416 00:16:21,216 --> 00:16:22,532 Huh. So... 417 00:16:22,534 --> 00:16:27,887 tick-tock, Pete-- tick-tock goes the little wee-wee clock. 418 00:16:28,756 --> 00:16:29,872 Pete's got a little wee-wee? 419 00:16:29,874 --> 00:16:31,591 No idea. What's everyone getting? 420 00:16:31,593 --> 00:16:34,761 This was bound to happen eventually. 421 00:16:34,763 --> 00:16:37,730 I've been trying so hard to suppress, like, 422 00:16:37,732 --> 00:16:39,382 my carefree idiot side, 423 00:16:39,384 --> 00:16:43,219 that it just rebelled and came out swingin'! 424 00:16:43,221 --> 00:16:44,387 It sure did. 425 00:16:44,389 --> 00:16:46,773 Look at me! I'm a windmill! 426 00:16:46,775 --> 00:16:49,943 Who am I kidding? I'm not ready to be a dad. 427 00:16:49,945 --> 00:16:52,779 I thought that I was, but it's, like... 428 00:16:52,781 --> 00:16:55,915 my dad never did stuff like that, you know? 429 00:16:55,917 --> 00:16:57,400 So what if he did? 430 00:16:57,402 --> 00:16:59,285 You'd still love him. 431 00:16:59,287 --> 00:17:02,922 And be honest-- wouldn't you love to stumble onto a video 432 00:17:02,924 --> 00:17:05,441 of him running down the street naked, yelling, 433 00:17:05,443 --> 00:17:07,176 "Hey, Marshall, look at me! 434 00:17:07,178 --> 00:17:09,696 I got an icicle on my deal!" 435 00:17:13,935 --> 00:17:15,218 Oh! Hey, guys! 436 00:17:15,220 --> 00:17:16,919 Ow! My neck! 437 00:17:16,921 --> 00:17:19,389 Uh... oh! Hey! 438 00:17:19,391 --> 00:17:20,807 Look at that. 439 00:17:20,809 --> 00:17:23,426 Barney, what are you doing here? 440 00:17:23,428 --> 00:17:26,529 Oh, I told Nora I wouldn't leave until she gave me a second date, 441 00:17:26,531 --> 00:17:27,814 and I mean it. 442 00:17:27,816 --> 00:17:29,265 I've already been here nine hours. 443 00:17:29,267 --> 00:17:32,035 I still need another minute. 444 00:17:32,037 --> 00:17:35,288 I mean... call me crazy, but 445 00:17:35,290 --> 00:17:37,890 I'm gonna stay here until I get that girl back. 446 00:17:40,610 --> 00:17:43,796 That-- that's what I want. 447 00:17:44,715 --> 00:17:46,299 The way Barney feels about Nora-- 448 00:17:46,301 --> 00:17:47,950 I want that feeling again. 449 00:17:48,952 --> 00:17:50,837 I don't want to be choosing between two girls, 450 00:17:50,839 --> 00:17:55,641 I want to be... a complete head-over-heels idiot for one. 451 00:17:55,643 --> 00:17:57,727 Yeah, the complete head-over-heels idiot thing's 452 00:17:57,729 --> 00:17:59,896 pretty nice. 453 00:18:00,981 --> 00:18:02,315 It's not bad. 454 00:18:02,317 --> 00:18:05,101 Although, for the record-- 455 00:18:05,103 --> 00:18:08,571 sweeping declaration!-- 456 00:18:08,573 --> 00:18:13,493 I am never getting drunk again. 457 00:18:14,412 --> 00:18:16,429 And sure enough... 458 00:18:16,431 --> 00:18:18,331 All hail Beercules! 459 00:18:19,718 --> 00:18:21,017 Yeah! 460 00:18:21,019 --> 00:18:23,703 But, again, I'm getting ahead of myself. 461 00:18:32,846 --> 00:18:34,013 Hello. 462 00:18:34,015 --> 00:18:36,165 Marshall! Garrison Cootes. 463 00:18:36,167 --> 00:18:37,333 Yes, Mr. Cootes. 464 00:18:37,335 --> 00:18:38,651 Hi. How are you? 465 00:18:38,653 --> 00:18:40,603 I just wanted to let you know, we did the background check, 466 00:18:40,605 --> 00:18:43,306 and that is some disturbing streaking. 467 00:18:43,308 --> 00:18:45,108 Sir, th-th-the thing is, um... 468 00:18:45,110 --> 00:18:47,176 The rainbow streaking in this sample 469 00:18:47,178 --> 00:18:49,028 is definitely from chemical runoff. 470 00:18:49,030 --> 00:18:51,180 Oh, I... 471 00:18:51,182 --> 00:18:54,183 Bottom line-- we'd love to have you on board. 472 00:18:54,185 --> 00:18:55,201 That is fantastic! 473 00:18:55,203 --> 00:18:57,353 Thank you, Mr. Cootes! 474 00:18:57,355 --> 00:18:58,354 Well, you're welcome. 475 00:18:58,356 --> 00:19:00,156 And-- oh, and when you're at the office, 476 00:19:00,158 --> 00:19:02,408 try to wear some clothes, okay, Beercules? 477 00:19:04,746 --> 00:19:06,045 Wow! That's a big snake. 478 00:19:06,047 --> 00:19:07,213 Oh, there's a snake in the swamp? 479 00:19:07,215 --> 00:19:08,664 No, I'm talking about your penis. 480 00:19:08,666 --> 00:19:09,982 See you tomorrow. 481 00:19:11,535 --> 00:19:12,418 I got the job. 482 00:19:12,420 --> 00:19:13,869 Yay! 483 00:19:13,871 --> 00:19:16,305 And I think that my boss already sexually harassed me. 484 00:19:16,307 --> 00:19:18,891 But he saw the video and he doesn't care! 485 00:19:18,893 --> 00:19:21,811 See that? Maybe Beercules isn't so bad after all. 486 00:19:21,813 --> 00:19:22,762 Yeah. 487 00:19:24,149 --> 00:19:25,214 Hello? 488 00:19:25,216 --> 00:19:27,733 Hey, Marshall, my name is Pete Durkenson. 489 00:19:27,735 --> 00:19:29,152 We went to Wesleyan together. 490 00:19:29,154 --> 00:19:30,403 Yeah, no, I know. 491 00:19:30,405 --> 00:19:32,605 Pete, we... we just hung out yesterday. 492 00:19:32,607 --> 00:19:34,824 All right, now Lily's message makes a little more sense. 493 00:19:34,826 --> 00:19:37,360 Listen, don't worry, bro, I'm gonna take down the video. 494 00:19:37,362 --> 00:19:38,578 You know what? 495 00:19:38,580 --> 00:19:40,062 Leave it up. 496 00:19:40,064 --> 00:19:41,831 Whatever you say, Beercules. 497 00:19:44,785 --> 00:19:46,702 Scalpel. 498 00:19:46,704 --> 00:19:48,921 You know what? This is good. 499 00:19:48,923 --> 00:19:51,340 I want our kid to see every side of who I am. 500 00:19:51,342 --> 00:19:52,592 Yeah. 501 00:19:52,594 --> 00:19:54,076 Even the side that runs through 502 00:19:54,078 --> 00:19:56,195 the East Village hangin' brain. 503 00:19:57,764 --> 00:19:59,132 I'm gonna call Pete back. 504 00:19:59,134 --> 00:20:00,550 That's a good idea. 505 00:20:00,552 --> 00:20:03,752 That evening, I took Robin to the Architects' Ball. 506 00:20:03,754 --> 00:20:05,438 Thanks again for taking me to this. 507 00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:06,472 Mm. My pleasure. 508 00:20:06,474 --> 00:20:07,773 And, you know, you might find it interesting. 509 00:20:07,775 --> 00:20:09,892 Some of these guys represent the living history of New York-- 510 00:20:09,894 --> 00:20:11,260 Yeah, yeah. Where's Lenny Kravitz? 511 00:20:11,262 --> 00:20:12,928 Right there. 512 00:20:12,930 --> 00:20:16,782 Leonard Kravitz, world-renowned architect. 513 00:20:16,784 --> 00:20:19,035 Guy's a rock star. 514 00:20:19,037 --> 00:20:20,653 He's gonna be giving his famous 515 00:20:20,655 --> 00:20:22,038 90-minute lecture on crossbeams. 516 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:23,539 Well, great. 517 00:20:23,541 --> 00:20:25,825 I'm gonna go find one and hang myself from it. 518 00:20:25,827 --> 00:20:27,243 Okay. 519 00:20:27,245 --> 00:20:30,129 Kids, you can't talk yourself into falling in love. 520 00:20:30,131 --> 00:20:32,948 It doesn't take days of deliberation. 521 00:20:32,950 --> 00:20:36,502 When it's real, you know pretty quickly, 522 00:20:36,504 --> 00:20:39,788 and with absolute certainty. 523 00:20:41,058 --> 00:20:43,626 I had forgotten that. 524 00:20:43,628 --> 00:20:45,978 But I was about to be reminded. 525 00:20:45,980 --> 00:20:49,732 ♪ Victoria ♪ 526 00:20:49,734 --> 00:20:51,901 ♪ Victoria... ♪ 527 00:20:51,903 --> 00:20:55,903 == sync, corrected by elderman == 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net