1
00:00:01,437 --> 00:00:03,889
I can't believe
I'm talking to a therapist.
2
00:00:05,250 --> 00:00:08,252
Well, usually, I'm not
the touchy-feely,
3
00:00:08,253 --> 00:00:10,271
talk-about-your-emotions type,
4
00:00:10,272 --> 00:00:14,191
but with this, I just had
to be a big enough person
5
00:00:14,192 --> 00:00:17,278
to admit that I need help.
6
00:00:17,279 --> 00:00:20,781
Huh. I guess this is what
growing up feels like.
7
00:00:20,782 --> 00:00:23,634
This is court-mandated therapy.
8
00:00:24,269 --> 00:00:25,669
You assaulted a woman.
9
00:00:25,670 --> 00:00:27,404
Oh... (laughs)
10
00:00:27,405 --> 00:00:29,089
That silly thing.
11
00:00:29,958 --> 00:00:31,875
I guess we can talk about that.
12
00:00:31,876 --> 00:00:33,544
It all began a few months ago.
13
00:00:33,545 --> 00:00:37,715
There's this guy, Barney.
We used to date.
14
00:00:37,716 --> 00:00:40,601
I set him up with this girl
I work with, Nora.
15
00:00:40,602 --> 00:00:42,937
Barney was working hard
16
00:00:42,938 --> 00:00:45,606
to prove he was
real boyfriend material.
17
00:00:45,607 --> 00:00:49,610
So, all week, I had to sit there
watching him...
18
00:00:49,611 --> 00:00:51,862
send flowers...
19
00:00:54,983 --> 00:00:56,650
chocolates...
20
00:01:00,104 --> 00:01:01,655
balloons.
21
00:01:05,794 --> 00:01:07,661
Then one day...
22
00:01:08,363 --> 00:01:10,297
Hey...
23
00:01:10,298 --> 00:01:13,584
I heard Barney didn't send
anything today.
24
00:01:13,585 --> 00:01:16,503
(quietly): Patrice said
maybe he met somebody else.
25
00:01:16,504 --> 00:01:19,640
She's such
a bitch, right?
26
00:01:19,641 --> 00:01:24,595
♪ When a man loves a woman ♪
27
00:01:24,596 --> 00:01:29,149
♪ Can't keep his mind
on nothin' else ♪
28
00:01:29,150 --> 00:01:30,150
He's so dreamy.
29
00:01:30,151 --> 00:01:32,603
Nobody asked you, Patrice!
30
00:01:32,604 --> 00:01:35,305
I'm sorry.
You must already think
31
00:01:35,306 --> 00:01:36,573
that I'm a horrible person.
32
00:01:36,574 --> 00:01:39,243
Robin, many of my patients
are disturbed felons.
33
00:01:39,244 --> 00:01:42,279
Last week, one of them mailed me
a bag of his feces.
34
00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:44,114
On the plus side,
he remembered my birthday.
35
00:01:44,115 --> 00:01:45,833
(chuckles)
You're doing fine.
36
00:01:45,834 --> 00:01:49,169
Well, finally, I-I just
couldn't take it anymore.
37
00:01:49,170 --> 00:01:50,254
I snapped.
38
00:01:50,255 --> 00:01:55,426
♪ When a man, when a man,
when this man ♪
39
00:01:55,427 --> 00:01:58,879
♪ Loves a woman! ♪
40
00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:00,047
(gasps)
41
00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:04,051
LADIES (swooning):
Aw...!
42
00:02:05,487 --> 00:02:07,137
And that's when
the assault occurred?
43
00:02:07,138 --> 00:02:08,856
Not exactly.
44
00:02:08,857 --> 00:02:11,558
(sobbing)
45
00:02:11,849 --> 00:02:15,849
♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x04 ♪
The Stinson Missile Crisis
Original Air Date on October 3, 2011
46
00:02:15,850 --> 00:02:19,850
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
47
00:02:24,962 --> 00:02:26,045
So, you're drunk
48
00:02:26,046 --> 00:02:28,864
under a desk, binge-eating
stolen chocolates.
49
00:02:28,865 --> 00:02:31,217
Boy, I am not coming
across great here, am I?
50
00:02:31,218 --> 00:02:33,469
This is not about how
you're coming across.
51
00:02:33,470 --> 00:02:34,537
But no.
52
00:02:34,538 --> 00:02:36,756
Okay, well, for this story
to make sense,
53
00:02:36,757 --> 00:02:39,342
I have to tell you about
my friends Marshall and Lily.
54
00:02:39,343 --> 00:02:41,594
The wine looks good.
55
00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:44,897
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
56
00:02:44,898 --> 00:02:46,733
pregnant women
can't drink alcohol.
57
00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:47,934
No, my doctor says it's okay
58
00:02:47,935 --> 00:02:50,319
to have a sip of wine
every now and then.
59
00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:51,154
Really?
60
00:02:51,155 --> 00:02:52,605
Dr. Sonya's great.
61
00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:55,358
Whenever you ask her if you can
have something, she's, like...
62
00:02:55,359 --> 00:02:58,394
(with Russian accent):
Just a little bit.
63
00:02:58,395 --> 00:03:00,947
Wait, Dr. Sonya doesn't let
you have sushi, does she?
64
00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:03,232
Just a little bit.
65
00:03:04,168 --> 00:03:05,284
You're allowed
to have Cheetos?
66
00:03:05,285 --> 00:03:07,453
Cheetos...
67
00:03:07,454 --> 00:03:09,672
Ah, just a little bit.
68
00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:12,091
You mind if I double-check
69
00:03:12,092 --> 00:03:13,543
some of this stuff
just in case?
70
00:03:13,544 --> 00:03:15,461
I mean, it's the least
I could do
71
00:03:15,462 --> 00:03:17,296
as part of Team Baby.
72
00:03:17,297 --> 00:03:19,298
"Team Baby"?
Whoa. What's next,
73
00:03:19,299 --> 00:03:21,434
like, cheesy
matching T-shirts?
74
00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:22,552
(chuckles)
75
00:03:22,553 --> 00:03:26,922
(scoffs) No.
76
00:03:26,923 --> 00:03:28,558
Robin, I've had serial killers
lead me
77
00:03:28,559 --> 00:03:31,093
to shallow graves faster
than you're telling this story.
78
00:03:31,094 --> 00:03:34,647
Okay! Look, it was getting
impossible for me
79
00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:37,483
to be around Nora,
so when an opportunity
80
00:03:37,484 --> 00:03:39,202
to get rid of her
presented itself...
81
00:03:39,203 --> 00:03:41,103
It's Sandy time!
82
00:03:41,104 --> 00:03:42,488
Huddle up, gang.
83
00:03:42,489 --> 00:03:45,107
Two things: 1) Somebody stole
84
00:03:45,108 --> 00:03:47,109
a very expensive bottle of wine
from my office...
85
00:03:47,110 --> 00:03:49,045
(clears throat)
86
00:03:50,831 --> 00:03:54,450
2) I need a producer to cover
the G8 Summit in France.
87
00:03:54,451 --> 00:03:55,468
Nora will do it!
88
00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:58,304
I mean, I know I have
seniority, but...
89
00:03:58,305 --> 00:04:00,139
I was gonna ask Nora anyway.
90
00:04:00,140 --> 00:04:03,726
Thanks for the support, Robin.
This is huge for me.
91
00:04:05,145 --> 00:04:07,580
(clears throat) Are, are you
sure about this, Sandy?
92
00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:09,182
I do have seniority.
93
00:04:09,183 --> 00:04:12,235
Oh, I'm sure. Nora's amazing.
94
00:04:12,236 --> 00:04:14,737
I want to have sex with her.
95
00:04:15,639 --> 00:04:17,990
To deal with that rejection
from Barney,
96
00:04:17,991 --> 00:04:19,742
not to mention your boss...
97
00:04:19,743 --> 00:04:21,444
must've really hurt.
98
00:04:22,346 --> 00:04:24,413
Why don't we dig
into those emotions?
99
00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:28,367
So Marshall and Lily were
at Dr. Sonya's office...
100
00:04:28,368 --> 00:04:30,253
(drops pen on table)
101
00:04:31,455 --> 00:04:32,672
It's fascinating
102
00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:36,926
how profoundly little I know
about vaginas.
103
00:04:36,927 --> 00:04:37,610
(knocking)
104
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,161
DR. SONYA
Come in.
105
00:04:39,162 --> 00:04:41,547
Ted, what are you
doing here?!
106
00:04:41,548 --> 00:04:43,165
I checked up on all the stuff
107
00:04:43,166 --> 00:04:47,103
this "doctor" says is okay,
and she's wrong.
108
00:04:47,104 --> 00:04:51,691
So, for the health of this baby,
I'm stepping in.
109
00:04:51,692 --> 00:04:53,526
Sounds like this Ted guy could
benefit from some therapy.
110
00:04:53,527 --> 00:04:54,911
Oh, he definitely could.
111
00:04:54,912 --> 00:04:56,262
This is unacceptable.
112
00:04:56,263 --> 00:04:58,514
I'm sorry, we're gonna have
to find a new doctor.
113
00:04:58,515 --> 00:05:00,483
Guys, for the health
of our baby,
114
00:05:00,484 --> 00:05:02,318
Our?
we have to get serious
115
00:05:02,319 --> 00:05:04,186
about what Lily is
putting in her body.
116
00:05:04,187 --> 00:05:06,038
Speaking of which,
when we deliver,
117
00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:07,623
we won't be using any drugs.
118
00:05:07,624 --> 00:05:08,875
Get out!
119
00:05:08,876 --> 00:05:10,859
Why are you kicking me out?!
120
00:05:10,860 --> 00:05:14,046
Because you're always intruding
on our intimate moments!
121
00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:17,032
This is like college
all over again!
122
00:05:18,034 --> 00:05:19,018
(sighs)
123
00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:21,036
Man, you guys
sure are messy!
124
00:05:21,037 --> 00:05:22,221
There's clothes everywhere.
125
00:05:22,222 --> 00:05:24,674
There's even a sock
on the door!
126
00:05:24,675 --> 00:05:27,977
A sock on the door
is a universal code
127
00:05:27,978 --> 00:05:29,228
for "We need some space."
128
00:05:29,229 --> 00:05:31,764
We needed it back then,
and we need it now.
129
00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:33,599
Come on! We're a trio!
130
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:34,984
We've always been a trio!
131
00:05:34,985 --> 00:05:37,520
We're right up there with Batman
and Robin and Alfred.
132
00:05:37,521 --> 00:05:38,738
Out!
133
00:05:38,739 --> 00:05:41,107
Romeo and Juliet
and the Apothecary.
134
00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:41,941
Now!
135
00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:45,244
Salt and Pepper and Cumin!
136
00:05:45,245 --> 00:05:48,114
What's that little guy
up there do?
137
00:05:48,115 --> 00:05:49,231
Oh, you poor girl.
138
00:05:50,066 --> 00:05:51,000
Robin!
139
00:05:51,001 --> 00:05:52,368
It all ties together, I swear.
140
00:05:52,369 --> 00:05:55,204
So, Nora was about
to leave for France.
141
00:05:55,205 --> 00:05:56,739
You know, not
too long ago,
142
00:05:56,740 --> 00:05:57,957
I would have
been worried
143
00:05:57,958 --> 00:05:59,375
that if I left you alone,
144
00:05:59,376 --> 00:06:02,261
you'd be up to no good
with some blond bimbo.
145
00:06:02,262 --> 00:06:03,796
Oh, I've changed.
146
00:06:03,797 --> 00:06:05,715
I know, which is why
when I get back,
147
00:06:05,716 --> 00:06:08,083
it's gonna be the start
of a new chapter for us.
148
00:06:08,084 --> 00:06:10,753
A chapter of me and you
and hopefully not that tie.
149
00:06:10,754 --> 00:06:12,021
(laughs) You got me!
150
00:06:12,022 --> 00:06:14,056
Have a nice trip!
151
00:06:15,475 --> 00:06:17,443
Dr. Stinson?
I saw your ad,
152
00:06:17,444 --> 00:06:19,862
and I'm here for my free
breast-reduction consultation.
153
00:06:19,863 --> 00:06:22,531
What do you think?
154
00:06:22,532 --> 00:06:25,534
Are they too big?
155
00:06:30,727 --> 00:06:33,840
I can't believe you're still
running plays on dumb blondes!
156
00:06:33,841 --> 00:06:35,475
I thought you were
serious about Nora!
157
00:06:35,476 --> 00:06:37,043
No, I've been good, I swear!
158
00:06:37,044 --> 00:06:39,512
I just forgot about my BDSes.
159
00:06:39,513 --> 00:06:43,183
- BDSes?
- Bimbo Delivery Systems.
160
00:06:43,184 --> 00:06:46,553
You see, over the years,
I've launched a variety
161
00:06:46,554 --> 00:06:49,606
of elaborate systems that are
always working to get me laid.
162
00:06:49,607 --> 00:06:51,858
Like my pop-up ads.
163
00:06:51,859 --> 00:06:55,278
Oh, hi.
I'm Dr. Barney Stinson.
164
00:06:55,279 --> 00:06:57,096
Are your really large breasts
165
00:06:57,097 --> 00:06:58,698
making everyday tasks difficult?
166
00:06:58,699 --> 00:07:00,767
Oh!
167
00:07:00,768 --> 00:07:02,935
There's just got
to be a better way!
168
00:07:02,936 --> 00:07:04,287
There is!
169
00:07:04,288 --> 00:07:07,741
I, Dr. Barney Stinson,
for a limited time only,
170
00:07:07,742 --> 00:07:11,044
can give you a free
breast-reduction consultation.
171
00:07:11,045 --> 00:07:12,545
Call me.
172
00:07:12,546 --> 00:07:14,297
If your knockers are
just too damn big,
173
00:07:14,298 --> 00:07:17,617
I can handle them... it.
174
00:07:17,618 --> 00:07:19,619
Women actually
fell for that?
175
00:07:19,620 --> 00:07:21,471
Yeah.
That business really took off.
176
00:07:21,472 --> 00:07:23,506
It played in all kinds
of markets.
177
00:07:28,813 --> 00:07:31,681
Okay, survivors,
today's reward challenge
178
00:07:31,682 --> 00:07:34,818
is brought to you by
Dr. Barney Stinson's
179
00:07:34,819 --> 00:07:36,319
Free Breast Reduction
Consultations.
180
00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:38,371
That scam was
so successful,
181
00:07:38,372 --> 00:07:40,607
it spawned a related enterprise.
182
00:07:40,608 --> 00:07:41,808
(taps key)
183
00:07:41,809 --> 00:07:44,744
If you've been fooled
by a well-endowed man
184
00:07:44,745 --> 00:07:45,912
who claimed to be a doctor
185
00:07:45,913 --> 00:07:49,482
offering free breast-reduction
consultations,
186
00:07:49,483 --> 00:07:52,752
come see me, Arnie Linson,
attorney-at-law,
187
00:07:52,753 --> 00:07:55,755
and join my class-action suit.
188
00:07:55,756 --> 00:07:57,690
If your giant breasts
have been wronged,
189
00:07:57,691 --> 00:08:01,511
I can handle them... it.
190
00:08:01,512 --> 00:08:03,930
I got 'em comin' and goin'!
191
00:08:03,931 --> 00:08:06,332
Uh-huh.
192
00:08:06,333 --> 00:08:08,184
I can't believe you go
193
00:08:08,185 --> 00:08:10,437
to so much trouble
to get laid.
194
00:08:10,438 --> 00:08:12,272
Yeah, sometimes I don't
even have to shower.
195
00:08:12,273 --> 00:08:14,190
Mama loves it musky.
196
00:08:14,191 --> 00:08:17,227
I gotta shut down all these
systems before Nora gets back.
197
00:08:17,228 --> 00:08:19,562
How am I gonna do all that
in three days?
198
00:08:19,563 --> 00:08:20,980
I'll help you.
199
00:08:20,981 --> 00:08:24,150
Maybe you should write
on your little chart there:
200
00:08:24,151 --> 00:08:27,537
"Patient selflessly tried
to help a friend in need."
201
00:08:27,538 --> 00:08:30,523
First of all, this is
a crossword puzzle.
202
00:08:30,524 --> 00:08:32,959
Secondly, you were clearly
planning on using
203
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:34,410
those three days
to steal Barney back.
204
00:08:34,411 --> 00:08:37,997
I am his friend! How dare you!
205
00:08:37,998 --> 00:08:40,884
God, you think you're so smart
just because
206
00:08:40,885 --> 00:08:42,368
you went to Harvard
207
00:08:42,369 --> 00:08:43,870
and then Princeton
208
00:08:43,871 --> 00:08:46,473
and then... wow,
Harvard again.
209
00:08:46,474 --> 00:08:47,924
Okay, yes, fine.
210
00:08:47,925 --> 00:08:50,176
I was... I was trying
to steal him back.
211
00:08:50,177 --> 00:08:51,811
This is good.
You're finally opening up
212
00:08:51,812 --> 00:08:52,896
and talking about yourself,
213
00:08:52,897 --> 00:08:54,881
not just what Marshall
and Lily were up to.
214
00:08:54,882 --> 00:08:56,883
Oh, yeah, so Marshall and Lily
were folding laundry...
215
00:08:56,884 --> 00:08:59,102
That one's my fault.
216
00:08:59,103 --> 00:09:01,521
You know...
217
00:09:01,522 --> 00:09:04,223
Never mind.
218
00:09:04,224 --> 00:09:05,575
(sniffles)
219
00:09:05,576 --> 00:09:06,493
It's just...
220
00:09:06,494 --> 00:09:08,578
Forget it.
221
00:09:09,446 --> 00:09:11,080
Marshall, you're
a grown-ass man.
222
00:09:11,081 --> 00:09:13,366
If you want to say
something, just say it.
223
00:09:13,367 --> 00:09:15,618
I feel bad for Ted!
And if my mom were here,
224
00:09:15,619 --> 00:09:16,903
she would ask me what was wrong.
225
00:09:16,904 --> 00:09:19,255
You feel bad for Ted?!
226
00:09:19,256 --> 00:09:21,574
It's tough feeling
like the third wheel.
227
00:09:21,575 --> 00:09:24,410
Okay, first of all,
I'm sure Ted's fine.
228
00:09:24,411 --> 00:09:28,681
(sobbing): Who eats salt and pepper
without cumin?
229
00:09:30,217 --> 00:09:33,603
Second, Ted is way off base
coming after Dr. Sonya.
230
00:09:33,604 --> 00:09:35,188
We love her! Right?
231
00:09:38,976 --> 00:09:41,761
Don't tell me
you're doubting Dr. Sonya!
232
00:09:41,762 --> 00:09:43,863
(with Russian accent):
Just a little bit.
233
00:09:43,864 --> 00:09:44,647
(gasps)
234
00:09:44,648 --> 00:09:46,265
What's that thing?
235
00:09:46,266 --> 00:09:48,768
Well, for some women, it was
the ashes of my parents.
236
00:09:48,769 --> 00:09:51,771
For others, it was the trophy
from Wimbledon.
237
00:09:51,772 --> 00:09:55,959
And believe it or not, for
one busty dullard, it was both.
238
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:58,611
Game, enormous set, match.
239
00:09:58,612 --> 00:10:01,047
(phone rings)
240
00:10:01,048 --> 00:10:02,749
Hello?
241
00:10:02,750 --> 00:10:04,417
Oh, yeah, thanks
for calling me back.
242
00:10:04,418 --> 00:10:05,451
Uh, Barney,
243
00:10:05,452 --> 00:10:07,887
It's Mitch
from the Port Authority.
244
00:10:10,724 --> 00:10:16,262
Port Authority Mitch.
You'd always call me whenever
245
00:10:16,263 --> 00:10:18,481
a wide-eyed farm girl
would get off the bus
246
00:10:18,482 --> 00:10:21,651
with big dreams of Broadway
and no idea
247
00:10:21,652 --> 00:10:24,136
what a "casting director"
could legally ask her to do,
248
00:10:24,137 --> 00:10:26,155
hold or lick during an audition.
249
00:10:26,156 --> 00:10:28,591
(voice cracking):
I'm sorry, old friend,
250
00:10:28,592 --> 00:10:31,077
your services are
no longer needed.
251
00:10:31,078 --> 00:10:35,582
(sobbing): Oh, God, I can't believe
I'm doing this over the phone!
252
00:10:36,250 --> 00:10:38,952
My love to Marge and the kids!
253
00:10:40,421 --> 00:10:41,771
I know. Here.
254
00:10:41,772 --> 00:10:44,791
I didn't realize this would be so hard!
I know, I know.
255
00:10:44,792 --> 00:10:46,492
But hey, you know what? We're
almost through our checklist.
256
00:10:46,493 --> 00:10:47,994
- Okay? Okay?
- Okay.
257
00:10:47,995 --> 00:10:49,178
Which reminds me,
258
00:10:49,179 --> 00:10:51,381
why am I calling a hair salon
and saying,
259
00:10:51,382 --> 00:10:53,600
"Jack Fantastic is quitting"?
260
00:10:53,601 --> 00:10:54,934
(with Southern drawl):
Sweetheart,
261
00:10:54,935 --> 00:10:57,437
it's like Maya Angelou
keeps telling Oprah,
262
00:10:57,438 --> 00:10:59,138
and I keep telling you:
263
00:10:59,139 --> 00:11:02,809
When you know better,
you do better.
264
00:11:02,810 --> 00:11:05,528
Wow, you are so wise.
265
00:11:05,529 --> 00:11:08,781
I wish you were straight
so I could date you.
266
00:11:08,782 --> 00:11:11,484
Well...
267
00:11:11,485 --> 00:11:16,406
as a matter of fact, I have
an extremely attractive
268
00:11:16,407 --> 00:11:20,710
straight twin brother!
269
00:11:20,711 --> 00:11:22,161
(everyone shrieking)
270
00:11:22,162 --> 00:11:23,362
(shrieking)
271
00:11:23,363 --> 00:11:26,132
Oh, hi.
272
00:11:26,133 --> 00:11:27,984
I cropped that Halloween photo.
273
00:11:27,985 --> 00:11:31,888
It's just salt and pepper, now,
so it looks ridiculous.
274
00:11:31,889 --> 00:11:34,257
Ted, I want you back on Team Baby.
What?
275
00:11:34,258 --> 00:11:35,658
I knew you'd come around!
276
00:11:35,659 --> 00:11:37,927
Guys! I didn't really
crop the photo!
277
00:11:37,928 --> 00:11:39,762
Plus...
278
00:11:39,763 --> 00:11:41,014
Good news.
279
00:11:41,015 --> 00:11:43,182
I signed us up for
a birthing class.
280
00:11:43,183 --> 00:11:44,934
Well, that's insane.
281
00:11:44,935 --> 00:11:47,236
It's way too early for
that, right, Marshall?
282
00:11:47,237 --> 00:11:50,523
Okay, listen. I am the
father of this child,
283
00:11:50,524 --> 00:11:52,608
and I vote that we go
to the birthing class.
284
00:11:52,609 --> 00:11:54,610
Absolutely not.
285
00:11:54,611 --> 00:11:56,062
'Kay, Lily.
286
00:11:56,063 --> 00:11:58,031
I hate to play this card...
287
00:11:58,032 --> 00:12:01,167
but if you don't
come to this class...
288
00:12:01,168 --> 00:12:02,669
I'm withholding sex.
289
00:12:02,670 --> 00:12:04,037
I don't think she's coming.
290
00:12:04,038 --> 00:12:05,421
Yeah.
291
00:12:05,422 --> 00:12:08,341
I was a little suspicious when
she had us take separate cabs.
292
00:12:10,911 --> 00:12:12,295
Lily, don't do it!
293
00:12:12,296 --> 00:12:14,347
Just a little bit.
294
00:12:14,348 --> 00:12:16,516
Think about our baby!
295
00:12:18,185 --> 00:12:20,520
You got to be kidding me,
Robin. Get to the assault.
296
00:12:20,521 --> 00:12:22,605
Okay, fine.
297
00:12:22,606 --> 00:12:25,041
So Barney and I were finishing
packing his apartment...
298
00:12:25,042 --> 00:12:28,778
Okay. One last item
on the checklist.
299
00:12:28,779 --> 00:12:30,863
Disconnect the Cold Call 5000.
300
00:12:30,864 --> 00:12:32,732
(chuckles fondly)
What the hell's that?
301
00:12:32,733 --> 00:12:35,201
I was able to secure the
customer database from a company
302
00:12:35,202 --> 00:12:37,403
that sells body glitter
and high-end pasties.
303
00:12:37,404 --> 00:12:41,708
The Cold Call 5000 will
dial every female client
304
00:12:41,709 --> 00:12:44,610
between the ages of 22 and 23,
305
00:12:44,611 --> 00:12:45,778
and leave the following message:
306
00:12:45,779 --> 00:12:47,497
BARNEY (recorded):
Hi, I know this is crazy,
307
00:12:47,498 --> 00:12:50,583
but I saw you on the subway,
and I knew we were meant to be.
308
00:12:50,584 --> 00:12:53,669
If you believe in destiny,
come to MacLaren's tonight
309
00:12:53,670 --> 00:12:55,304
and find me, Barney Stinson.
310
00:12:55,305 --> 00:12:58,341
Because I have this feeling that
I'm supposed to be on you--
311
00:12:58,342 --> 00:12:59,559
with you.
312
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:01,627
Why not re-record it?
313
00:13:01,628 --> 00:13:03,813
I did like a hundred takes.
It kept happening.
314
00:13:06,266 --> 00:13:08,101
I can't believe
Lily's not coming!
315
00:13:08,102 --> 00:13:09,635
You know what? Screw it!
316
00:13:09,636 --> 00:13:12,438
Who says that two bros
can't rock a birthing class?
317
00:13:12,439 --> 00:13:14,173
Rock it!
318
00:13:15,242 --> 00:13:19,529
Today, we'll be exploring
"The Sensual Massage."
319
00:13:19,530 --> 00:13:22,915
Let's start by gently cupping
our partner's hands...
320
00:13:29,156 --> 00:13:31,340
and just breathe each other in.
321
00:13:38,015 --> 00:13:39,498
Thanks, Robin.
322
00:13:39,499 --> 00:13:42,101
You're the only person I know
who would help me do all that.
323
00:13:42,102 --> 00:13:44,053
You're a real bro.
324
00:13:44,054 --> 00:13:45,304
Am I, though?
325
00:13:45,305 --> 00:13:48,524
'Cause I'm really
more of a woman.
326
00:13:48,525 --> 00:13:49,976
To my femininity.
327
00:13:49,977 --> 00:13:52,728
Nah, you're more of a bro.
328
00:13:52,729 --> 00:13:55,731
You're a dude.
You're a man.
329
00:13:58,018 --> 00:14:02,288
Hey, you are flying
solo one more night.
330
00:14:02,289 --> 00:14:04,824
How about I put on
a smokin' hot dress,
331
00:14:04,825 --> 00:14:08,578
you slap a vest over
that crime scene of a tie
332
00:14:08,579 --> 00:14:09,796
and we paint the town?
333
00:14:09,797 --> 00:14:12,131
I mean, when was the last time
we got rip-roaring drunk
334
00:14:12,132 --> 00:14:14,801
in clothing that
highlights our genders?
335
00:14:15,702 --> 00:14:17,753
So, your plan was to
be out on the town,
336
00:14:17,754 --> 00:14:21,174
dressed provocatively, drinking
with another woman's man.
337
00:14:22,075 --> 00:14:23,876
Robin, this is our
first session, and
338
00:14:23,877 --> 00:14:27,130
I know this is just one
clinical opinion, but...
339
00:14:27,131 --> 00:14:29,048
you a dawg!
340
00:14:29,049 --> 00:14:30,650
Yeah...
341
00:14:30,651 --> 00:14:32,185
There was just one problem...
342
00:14:32,186 --> 00:14:33,336
NORA:
Surprise!
343
00:14:33,337 --> 00:14:34,821
I got back early!
344
00:14:34,822 --> 00:14:36,973
Hey!
345
00:14:38,725 --> 00:14:41,410
KEVIN:
Let me guess,
346
00:14:41,411 --> 00:14:43,329
you got drunk
under your desk again?
347
00:14:43,330 --> 00:14:47,950
No, Mr. Harvard. I handled
things a little differently...
348
00:14:47,951 --> 00:14:50,169
(sobbing)
349
00:14:56,685 --> 00:14:59,689
So, I suppose now you want me
to talk about how it felt
350
00:14:59,987 --> 00:15:02,833
watching Barney and Nora
walk off together, right?
351
00:15:03,193 --> 00:15:05,728
I'd rather just skip ahead
to the assault.
352
00:15:05,729 --> 00:15:07,096
My next patient thinks he's God.
353
00:15:07,097 --> 00:15:08,514
On the off chance
that he's right,
354
00:15:08,515 --> 00:15:10,149
I really don't want
to keep him waiting.
355
00:15:10,150 --> 00:15:13,853
Well, right after they left,
something crazy happened.
356
00:15:13,854 --> 00:15:19,192
Excuse me, do you know where
I can find Barney Stinson?
357
00:15:19,193 --> 00:15:22,578
He saw me on the subway and left
me a message to meet him here.
358
00:15:23,580 --> 00:15:25,397
Why not re-record it?
359
00:15:25,398 --> 00:15:27,583
I did like a hundred takes.
It kept happening.
360
00:15:30,537 --> 00:15:31,704
(sighs)
361
00:15:31,705 --> 00:15:32,655
(dial tone hums)
362
00:15:32,656 --> 00:15:34,340
(phone dials)
363
00:15:34,341 --> 00:15:35,291
(line rings)
364
00:15:35,292 --> 00:15:36,492
BARNEY:
Hi, I know this is crazy,
365
00:15:36,493 --> 00:15:37,710
but I saw you on the subway...
366
00:15:37,711 --> 00:15:41,798
He asked me if I believed
in destiny. And I do.
367
00:15:41,799 --> 00:15:44,416
We are so meant to be.
368
00:15:44,417 --> 00:15:46,135
Where can I find him?
369
00:15:47,221 --> 00:15:49,088
So I was faced
with a moral dilemma.
370
00:15:49,089 --> 00:15:51,691
Unleash this nut bag on them
371
00:15:51,692 --> 00:15:55,361
or be a bigger person,
and help my friend.
372
00:15:55,362 --> 00:15:57,814
Barney's at Café L'Amour,
75th and Amsterdam.
373
00:15:57,815 --> 00:16:00,283
- Awesome!
- No, wait, wait, wait!
374
00:16:00,284 --> 00:16:02,318
Okay, this isn't right.
375
00:16:02,319 --> 00:16:05,822
(sighs) Let's pop that top
button, show off your gals.
376
00:16:05,823 --> 00:16:08,040
Ooh! Good luck, go get 'em!
377
00:16:09,626 --> 00:16:13,079
Let your love come
through your fingers.
378
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:15,081
(moaning ecstatically)
379
00:16:15,082 --> 00:16:16,382
Dude, the rule is no moaning
380
00:16:16,383 --> 00:16:18,084
and keep your eyes
open at all times.
381
00:16:18,085 --> 00:16:20,336
Stop being weird.
382
00:16:20,337 --> 00:16:22,421
And hey, when do I
get to be the woman?
383
00:16:22,422 --> 00:16:26,392
Now remember, the most
important thing in pregnancy
384
00:16:26,393 --> 00:16:28,644
is to keep Mom calm and happy.
385
00:16:28,645 --> 00:16:30,730
She knows best what she needs.
386
00:16:30,731 --> 00:16:31,747
Trust her.
387
00:16:31,748 --> 00:16:34,433
Now, Papas,
388
00:16:34,434 --> 00:16:36,986
I want you to take
Mom's hands in yours,
389
00:16:36,987 --> 00:16:40,072
look deep into her eyes,
390
00:16:40,073 --> 00:16:41,941
and repeat after me.
391
00:16:41,942 --> 00:16:44,110
I believe in you.
392
00:16:44,111 --> 00:16:46,162
I believe in you.
393
00:16:46,163 --> 00:16:48,981
I honor your body's wisdom.
394
00:16:50,784 --> 00:16:52,752
I honor your body's wisdom.
395
00:16:52,753 --> 00:16:55,371
Your womb is a temple.
396
00:16:55,372 --> 00:16:58,674
- Your womb is a--
- Okay, I get it!
397
00:16:58,675 --> 00:17:01,427
I feel terrible we didn't
listen to what Lily wanted!
398
00:17:01,428 --> 00:17:02,762
I know, so do I.
399
00:17:02,763 --> 00:17:05,681
The truth is, I thought
I'd be married by now
400
00:17:05,682 --> 00:17:08,301
and going through all this
stuff alongside you guys.
401
00:17:08,302 --> 00:17:11,387
But even if I meet the girl of
my dreams right this second,
402
00:17:11,388 --> 00:17:13,672
I'm still one night
and nine months away
403
00:17:13,673 --> 00:17:15,308
from having a family
of my own.
404
00:17:15,309 --> 00:17:17,276
And that's assuming the
mother of my children
405
00:17:17,277 --> 00:17:19,195
is just a huge slut.
406
00:17:20,063 --> 00:17:21,397
Don't lose hope, Ted.
407
00:17:21,398 --> 00:17:24,183
That slut is out there.
408
00:17:24,184 --> 00:17:25,868
Thanks, buddy.
409
00:17:25,869 --> 00:17:27,320
We owe Lily an apology.
410
00:17:27,321 --> 00:17:28,571
Yeah.
411
00:17:30,824 --> 00:17:34,126
Dads, this is the time that
I'll answer every question
412
00:17:34,127 --> 00:17:36,212
you've ever had about vaginas.
413
00:17:36,213 --> 00:17:38,381
Damn it!
414
00:17:42,386 --> 00:17:43,702
Hey.
415
00:17:43,703 --> 00:17:45,805
I'm so sorry, Lily.
416
00:17:45,806 --> 00:17:49,558
(with Russian accent):
You have just a little bit.
417
00:17:55,349 --> 00:17:58,601
I realize now that it's my job
for the next seven months
418
00:17:58,602 --> 00:18:02,355
to keep you happy,
and that's why...
419
00:18:02,356 --> 00:18:05,141
I'm no longer withholding sex.
420
00:18:05,142 --> 00:18:07,660
My hero.
421
00:18:07,661 --> 00:18:10,229
But I want to make sure
that you feel comfortable
422
00:18:10,230 --> 00:18:11,364
with Dr. Sonya, too.
423
00:18:11,365 --> 00:18:12,615
I do. And you know what,
424
00:18:12,616 --> 00:18:14,583
the fact that she's so calm
and laid back,
425
00:18:14,584 --> 00:18:16,002
maybe that's not a bad thing.
426
00:18:16,003 --> 00:18:17,503
Maybe that's exactly
what we're gonna want
427
00:18:17,504 --> 00:18:19,005
in that delivery room.
428
00:18:19,006 --> 00:18:23,376
Lily, if you don't push, I will
shove this baby up your throat
429
00:18:23,377 --> 00:18:25,161
and pull it out of your mouth!
430
00:18:25,162 --> 00:18:27,380
(screams)
431
00:18:27,381 --> 00:18:29,215
Where the hell is Marshall?!
432
00:18:29,216 --> 00:18:31,500
NARRATOR:
That's a crazy story, kids.
433
00:18:31,501 --> 00:18:32,935
I'll get to that.
434
00:18:32,936 --> 00:18:36,055
Hey, Ted's out
in the hall.
435
00:18:36,056 --> 00:18:38,257
He wants to apologize, too.
436
00:18:44,414 --> 00:18:46,315
ROBIN:
Hey.
437
00:18:46,316 --> 00:18:48,734
What happened to your sock?
438
00:18:48,735 --> 00:18:51,787
Long story. Bottom line,
I realized that sometimes
439
00:18:51,788 --> 00:18:54,707
love means taking a step back.
440
00:18:54,708 --> 00:18:57,159
Well, not always.
441
00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:59,462
I mean, sometimes it's
better to interfere
442
00:18:59,463 --> 00:19:01,613
and sabotage stuff, right?
443
00:19:01,614 --> 00:19:04,083
Well, I think if you
care about somebody,
444
00:19:04,084 --> 00:19:05,634
you should want them
to be happy,
445
00:19:05,635 --> 00:19:07,887
even if you wind up
being left out.
446
00:19:07,888 --> 00:19:09,955
Wow.
447
00:19:09,956 --> 00:19:12,425
The lesson you learned
with Lily and Marshall
448
00:19:12,426 --> 00:19:14,927
is directly applicable
to my situation,
449
00:19:14,928 --> 00:19:16,262
and is therefore
450
00:19:16,263 --> 00:19:19,065
a valid part of how I'll
eventually tell this story.
451
00:19:19,066 --> 00:19:20,132
KEVIN:
Really?
452
00:19:20,133 --> 00:19:21,534
That's how that went down?
453
00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:25,337
Point is, it all
tied together, right?
454
00:19:25,338 --> 00:19:26,739
Not really at all.
455
00:19:26,740 --> 00:19:28,691
Can we just get to the assault?
456
00:19:29,359 --> 00:19:30,659
To us!
457
00:19:30,660 --> 00:19:32,028
KERSTEN (outside, faintly):
Barney, it's me!
458
00:19:32,029 --> 00:19:34,246
I love you, Barney!
459
00:19:35,082 --> 00:19:36,449
Mmm, scallops look good.
460
00:19:36,450 --> 00:19:37,750
Oh, they are.
461
00:19:37,751 --> 00:19:40,286
But the last time I was here
they ran out, so, uh...
462
00:19:40,287 --> 00:19:43,339
knock... on... wood.
463
00:19:44,424 --> 00:19:47,710
Well, I have my eye on the
red velvet cake for dessert.
464
00:19:47,711 --> 00:19:49,879
Lovely. Splitsies?
465
00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:52,381
Nah, I want it
all to myself.
466
00:19:52,382 --> 00:19:53,599
Really?
467
00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:54,767
Arm wrestle for it?
468
00:19:54,768 --> 00:19:55,718
No!
469
00:19:55,719 --> 00:19:56,719
(both chuckle)
470
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:58,387
All right.
471
00:19:58,388 --> 00:19:59,522
I love this place.
472
00:19:59,523 --> 00:20:01,107
- Thank you, babe.
- You're welcome.
473
00:20:01,108 --> 00:20:02,691
Babe.
474
00:20:02,692 --> 00:20:05,361
Barney doesn't know a thing
about any of this.
475
00:20:05,362 --> 00:20:09,281
But that's why I got
court-mandated therapy.
476
00:20:10,784 --> 00:20:12,184
You must think I'm nuts.
477
00:20:12,185 --> 00:20:15,404
I think you're
a really good friend.
478
00:20:15,405 --> 00:20:17,039
Really?
479
00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:18,324
Really.
480
00:20:18,325 --> 00:20:20,576
As far as I'm concerned,
there was no criminal intent
481
00:20:20,577 --> 00:20:21,944
to this assault.
482
00:20:21,945 --> 00:20:24,080
Well, thanks, Doc!
483
00:20:25,265 --> 00:20:27,383
Well, look at us!
484
00:20:27,384 --> 00:20:29,251
We got this wrapped up
in one session.
485
00:20:29,252 --> 00:20:31,337
Go us, right?
486
00:20:31,338 --> 00:20:33,205
Now let's discuss how you
keyed the judge's car.
487
00:20:33,206 --> 00:20:35,141
Okay. Um...
488
00:20:35,142 --> 00:20:36,392
Here's how it happened:
489
00:20:36,393 --> 00:20:38,377
Marshall and Lily were supposed
to go to the zoo--
490
00:20:38,378 --> 00:20:41,263
okay, it all ties together,
I swear. Now...
491
00:20:41,288 --> 00:20:45,288
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
492
00:20:45,290 --> 00:21:07,885
♪
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net