1 00:00:00,516 --> 00:00:03,006 NARRATOR: In May of 2012, Marshall and Lily 2 00:00:03,009 --> 00:00:04,843 hosted a baby shower in the apartment. 3 00:00:04,845 --> 00:00:06,227 All their friends were there. 4 00:00:06,229 --> 00:00:08,880 So of course I made sure to show up exactly... 5 00:00:08,882 --> 00:00:09,931 (knocking) 6 00:00:09,933 --> 00:00:11,266 ...three hours late. 7 00:00:11,268 --> 00:00:14,352 - Oh, no! Am I late? - Little bit. 8 00:00:14,354 --> 00:00:17,522 Ah, I'm sorry, I would've gotten here earlier; it's just, um... 9 00:00:17,524 --> 00:00:20,108 - You didn't want to see Robin. - I didn't want to see Robin. 10 00:00:20,110 --> 00:00:22,310 I know, it's childish. 11 00:00:22,312 --> 00:00:23,478 She's not here, is she? 12 00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:24,963 Actually... 13 00:00:25,764 --> 00:00:30,068 (gasps) Oh, no! Am I early? 14 00:00:30,070 --> 00:00:31,769 Little bit. 15 00:00:33,372 --> 00:00:36,040 Whoa, she got you the red stroller? 16 00:00:36,042 --> 00:00:40,461 Looks like I just blew her out of the water. 17 00:00:40,463 --> 00:00:42,964 Anyway, he left before the party started. 18 00:00:42,966 --> 00:00:44,782 Ah, I'm really sorry, I... 19 00:00:44,784 --> 00:00:46,751 I just think it's best if Robin and I 20 00:00:46,753 --> 00:00:48,503 don't see each other for a while. 21 00:00:48,505 --> 00:00:51,122 Ted, it's fine; I'm a child of divorce. 22 00:00:51,124 --> 00:00:53,091 You guys keep fighting all you want, 23 00:00:53,093 --> 00:00:55,143 as long as the expensive gifts keep coming. 24 00:00:55,145 --> 00:00:57,228 (chuckles) Uh, so how was the shower? 25 00:00:57,230 --> 00:00:58,479 It was good, 26 00:00:58,481 --> 00:01:00,181 although there was one weird moment 27 00:01:00,183 --> 00:01:02,450 with Barney's new stripper girlfriend. 28 00:01:02,452 --> 00:01:04,102 50 laps a day? 29 00:01:04,104 --> 00:01:07,188 Oh, my goodness, young lady. That is a lot. 30 00:01:07,190 --> 00:01:08,907 Oh, is it? 31 00:01:08,909 --> 00:01:11,809 Is it a lot, Grandma Lois? 32 00:01:11,811 --> 00:01:14,862 Yes, my girlfriend gets naked 33 00:01:14,864 --> 00:01:16,497 and sits on guys' laps for money. 34 00:01:16,499 --> 00:01:19,867 And, yes, sometimes it's as many as 50 laps in one day. 35 00:01:19,869 --> 00:01:23,288 And maybe society considers what she does 36 00:01:23,290 --> 00:01:25,373 to be "disgusting," 37 00:01:25,375 --> 00:01:26,991 or "slutty," 38 00:01:26,993 --> 00:01:29,877 or verging on "prostitution," 39 00:01:29,879 --> 00:01:32,830 or actual "prostitution." 40 00:01:32,832 --> 00:01:35,099 But you know what, I accept her. 41 00:01:35,101 --> 00:01:37,552 And if you can't do the same, 42 00:01:37,554 --> 00:01:40,671 well, then shame on you. 43 00:01:41,941 --> 00:01:43,942 Shame... 44 00:01:43,944 --> 00:01:45,176 on... 45 00:01:45,178 --> 00:01:46,844 you. 46 00:01:48,314 --> 00:01:52,033 We were, um, talking about swimming. 47 00:01:52,035 --> 00:01:55,703 How I sometimes swim 50 laps a day. 48 00:01:57,289 --> 00:01:58,990 (snorts) Well, it's great cardio. 49 00:01:58,992 --> 00:02:01,960 Lois, can I top off your champagne? 50 00:02:02,586 --> 00:02:06,586 ♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x22 ♪ Good Crazy Original Air Date on April 30, 2012 51 00:02:06,611 --> 00:02:10,611 == sync, corrected by elderman == 52 00:02:15,939 --> 00:02:17,239 You know, it's funny, 53 00:02:17,241 --> 00:02:19,808 you tell the average guy you're dating a stripper, 54 00:02:19,810 --> 00:02:20,976 he thinks it's awesome. 55 00:02:20,978 --> 00:02:23,478 Heck, you tell your mom, she high-fives you so fast, 56 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:25,147 she doesn't even take off her oven mitts. 57 00:02:25,149 --> 00:02:27,416 But if they had any idea 58 00:02:27,418 --> 00:02:30,319 how difficult it is: the jealousy, 59 00:02:30,321 --> 00:02:32,171 the insecurity, 60 00:02:32,173 --> 00:02:37,042 those high-fives would be high-fives of condolence. 61 00:02:37,044 --> 00:02:40,963 Barney, condolence high-fives are not a thing. 62 00:02:40,965 --> 00:02:42,298 They're a thing. 63 00:02:42,300 --> 00:02:44,817 I'm afraid we're gonna have to let you go. 64 00:02:46,052 --> 00:02:47,519 Up top. 65 00:02:48,505 --> 00:02:52,024 Ah, listen to me and my boring couples' problems. 66 00:02:52,026 --> 00:02:53,442 How are you? 67 00:02:53,444 --> 00:02:54,877 How's the single life? 68 00:02:54,879 --> 00:02:57,179 I wouldn't know. After this whole Robin thing, 69 00:02:57,181 --> 00:02:59,198 for the time being, I'm laying low. 70 00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:00,616 Laying low as in 71 00:03:00,618 --> 00:03:03,235 sleeping with a really short chick? (wry chuckle) 72 00:03:03,237 --> 00:03:04,519 You guys doing 39? 73 00:03:04,521 --> 00:03:06,405 I mean, I'm not seeing anyone. 74 00:03:06,407 --> 00:03:09,124 I'm just, you know, trying to get Robin out of my head. 75 00:03:09,126 --> 00:03:11,627 You need a palate cleanser. 76 00:03:11,629 --> 00:03:13,245 Barney, please, don't try to set me up 77 00:03:13,247 --> 00:03:15,414 with Quinn's stripper friends. Oh, I wouldn't dream of it. 78 00:03:15,416 --> 00:03:17,733 Why not, how many hints do I have to drop?! 79 00:03:17,735 --> 00:03:20,886 No, I'm thinking of something much more traditional. 80 00:03:20,888 --> 00:03:23,705 Online dating. Yeah, no thanks. 81 00:03:23,707 --> 00:03:25,724 Come on, Ted! It's 2012. 82 00:03:25,726 --> 00:03:28,727 What do you expect, to meet some cute travel agent 83 00:03:28,729 --> 00:03:31,313 when you're reading a newspaper at a bookstore? 84 00:03:31,315 --> 00:03:33,315 None of those things exist anymore. 85 00:03:33,317 --> 00:03:36,218 Barney, I will never, ever, 86 00:03:36,220 --> 00:03:39,054 ever, try online dating. 87 00:03:39,056 --> 00:03:40,906 NARRATOR: That night I tried online dating. 88 00:03:40,908 --> 00:03:44,076 And kids, the first girl I found was amazing: 89 00:03:44,078 --> 00:03:48,330 beautiful, smart, funny, huge fan of prewar architecture, 90 00:03:48,332 --> 00:03:51,266 favorite poet Neruda, favorite movie Ghostbusters, 91 00:03:51,268 --> 00:03:53,235 and she didn't hate Cleveland. 92 00:03:53,237 --> 00:03:55,170 She's perfect. 93 00:03:55,172 --> 00:03:56,905 So I sent her an email, 94 00:03:56,907 --> 00:03:59,942 inviting her to mini golf. 95 00:03:59,944 --> 00:04:01,377 (typing) 96 00:04:03,129 --> 00:04:04,630 (phone rings) 97 00:04:04,632 --> 00:04:07,216 Hello. BARNEY: Mini golf? 98 00:04:07,218 --> 00:04:09,218 Mini golf? Who takes a first date to mini golf? 99 00:04:09,220 --> 00:04:10,386 I'm coming over! 100 00:04:11,221 --> 00:04:13,939 Oh, Ted-Ted-Ted- Teddy-Ted-Ted. 101 00:04:13,941 --> 00:04:14,620 Who buzzed you in? 102 00:04:14,645 --> 00:04:16,645 Did you really think you could start dating online, 103 00:04:16,727 --> 00:04:17,776 and I wouldn't find out? 104 00:04:17,778 --> 00:04:21,280 But with thi-this girl, sh-she was... 105 00:04:21,282 --> 00:04:23,198 Me. She was me, Ted. 106 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:26,068 The photo was just of some girl I knew you'd never seen before, 107 00:04:26,070 --> 00:04:28,454 a very famous sports anchor on ESPN. 108 00:04:28,456 --> 00:04:32,491 Barney, I don't need you to help me find a girl online. 109 00:04:32,493 --> 00:04:34,776 Exactly because I've already done it! 110 00:04:34,778 --> 00:04:36,328 Three girls in fact. 111 00:04:36,330 --> 00:04:38,580 I scoured the dating sites 112 00:04:38,582 --> 00:04:40,749 using my own personal logarithms, 113 00:04:40,751 --> 00:04:43,085 factoring in a broad spectrum of variables, 114 00:04:43,087 --> 00:04:45,587 filtering out undesirable high-risk negatives, 115 00:04:45,589 --> 00:04:48,307 guaranteeing a success rate of 83... 116 00:04:48,309 --> 00:04:50,292 You picked the girls that showed the most boob. 117 00:04:50,294 --> 00:04:52,561 My methods get results. 118 00:04:52,563 --> 00:04:55,064 Go out with these three girls, 119 00:04:55,066 --> 00:04:56,932 and your palate is going to be so cleansed, 120 00:04:56,934 --> 00:04:58,434 you will see your reflection in it. 121 00:04:58,436 --> 00:05:00,069 And when you do, 122 00:05:00,071 --> 00:05:02,905 you can fix the hair, because... Have you seen yourself? 123 00:05:02,907 --> 00:05:05,274 No, but you know what I have seen, 124 00:05:05,276 --> 00:05:07,910 your stripper girlfriend's cans. Wow. 125 00:05:07,912 --> 00:05:09,027 Wow. Wow, wow. 126 00:05:09,029 --> 00:05:10,996 That was going way too far, wasn't it? 127 00:05:10,998 --> 00:05:12,498 I'm sorry. (sighs) 128 00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:14,583 My condolences. 129 00:05:15,702 --> 00:05:17,086 Come on. 130 00:05:18,654 --> 00:05:22,657 Man, Marshall's really stressing out about this baby. 131 00:05:22,659 --> 00:05:24,126 He's reading every book, 132 00:05:24,128 --> 00:05:26,295 watching breast-feeding documentaries. 133 00:05:26,297 --> 00:05:29,515 I woke up the other day, he had swaddled me. 134 00:05:29,517 --> 00:05:33,001 Sure, it was the best night's sleep I had had in months, 135 00:05:33,003 --> 00:05:34,520 but still... 136 00:05:34,522 --> 00:05:36,221 You know what his latest thing is? 137 00:05:36,223 --> 00:05:39,525 (antique car horn blaring) 138 00:05:39,527 --> 00:05:41,527 What the hell is that? 139 00:05:44,030 --> 00:05:46,281 (groaning) 140 00:05:46,283 --> 00:05:48,901 Marshall, what is that? 141 00:05:48,903 --> 00:05:51,487 I rigged this alarm to go off every three hours. 142 00:05:51,489 --> 00:05:53,522 I'm training myself for the 143 00:05:53,524 --> 00:05:56,191 sporadic sleep patterns of early parenthood. 144 00:05:56,193 --> 00:05:57,242 Now, if you'll excuse me, 145 00:05:57,244 --> 00:06:00,646 I have a practice-baby to soothe. 146 00:06:03,533 --> 00:06:05,000 You got to talk to him. 147 00:06:05,002 --> 00:06:07,002 Yeah, I'll talk to him tonight. 148 00:06:07,004 --> 00:06:08,804 Maybe tomorrow morning. 149 00:06:08,806 --> 00:06:09,871 One last swaddle? 150 00:06:09,873 --> 00:06:10,973 It's just so cozy. 151 00:06:10,975 --> 00:06:13,559 It's like sleeping in a warm burrito. 152 00:06:13,561 --> 00:06:15,561 NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Barney was about to have 153 00:06:15,563 --> 00:06:17,312 a stripper's boyfriend's worst nightmare. 154 00:06:17,314 --> 00:06:18,847 Karma? 155 00:06:18,849 --> 00:06:20,382 Oh, my gosh, I didn't recognize you 156 00:06:20,384 --> 00:06:21,883 without your legs behind your head. 157 00:06:21,885 --> 00:06:24,069 Darryl, I didn't recognize you 158 00:06:24,071 --> 00:06:25,437 without your creepy trench coat. 159 00:06:25,439 --> 00:06:26,522 How are you? 160 00:06:26,524 --> 00:06:28,407 Great, you working tomorrow? You know it. 161 00:06:28,409 --> 00:06:30,108 Great. I'll be there with bells on. 162 00:06:30,110 --> 00:06:32,861 And by bells, I mean super thin sweatpants. 163 00:06:32,863 --> 00:06:35,113 (both laugh) Gross. 164 00:06:35,115 --> 00:06:37,866 He's actually a nice guy. 165 00:06:37,868 --> 00:06:39,234 She's so busy as deputy mayor, 166 00:06:39,236 --> 00:06:41,086 but I always get a card on my birthday. 167 00:06:41,088 --> 00:06:44,289 Quinn, I love the fact that you're a stripper, 168 00:06:44,291 --> 00:06:46,792 but I hate the fact that you're a stripper. 169 00:06:46,794 --> 00:06:49,761 Barney, I like my job. 170 00:06:49,763 --> 00:06:51,930 And I do not need to be rescued. 171 00:06:51,932 --> 00:06:54,967 So, don't be that guy. 172 00:06:54,969 --> 00:06:56,268 You're right, you're right. 173 00:06:56,270 --> 00:06:58,554 I got it. Forget I said anything. 174 00:06:58,556 --> 00:06:59,555 Hmm. 175 00:06:59,557 --> 00:07:01,190 I'll see you tonight, Karma. 176 00:07:01,192 --> 00:07:02,891 You got it, Dirty Larry. 177 00:07:02,893 --> 00:07:05,027 You have to quit your job! 178 00:07:05,029 --> 00:07:06,478 NARRATOR: That night, I went out 179 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:08,530 with the first girl Barney picked for me. 180 00:07:08,532 --> 00:07:09,898 There was just one problem. 181 00:07:09,900 --> 00:07:11,817 Your name is Robin? 182 00:07:11,819 --> 00:07:13,785 Yeah, with a Y. 183 00:07:13,787 --> 00:07:16,405 Oh, Yobin. 184 00:07:16,407 --> 00:07:18,156 No, Robin. 185 00:07:18,158 --> 00:07:21,276 I go by ScotchAndGunLover in my online profile, 186 00:07:21,278 --> 00:07:23,128 'cause those are my two favorite things. 187 00:07:23,130 --> 00:07:26,281 Well, next to Canada, my home and native land. 188 00:07:26,283 --> 00:07:29,051 Oh. Canada. 189 00:07:29,053 --> 00:07:31,003 NARRATOR: And just like that, 190 00:07:31,005 --> 00:07:33,555 Robyn became Robin. 191 00:07:33,557 --> 00:07:36,091 How's it going, Ted? 192 00:07:38,782 --> 00:07:42,382 Oh, good. Hey, look, mommy's back from the bar! 193 00:07:42,829 --> 00:07:44,795 Now I can finally take a shower. 194 00:07:44,797 --> 00:07:46,297 (sighs) 195 00:07:47,666 --> 00:07:50,334 This diaper smells. I don't want to know. 196 00:07:50,336 --> 00:07:52,420 Okay, Marshall, 197 00:07:52,422 --> 00:07:54,722 sit down; we need to talk. 198 00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:56,641 (sighs) 199 00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:58,876 Look, I know you mean well, 200 00:07:58,878 --> 00:08:01,395 but we have five weeks till the due date. 201 00:08:01,397 --> 00:08:04,182 Can't we use this time to just relax? 202 00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:06,217 We'll figure out how all this stuff 203 00:08:06,219 --> 00:08:08,052 works after the baby comes. 204 00:08:08,054 --> 00:08:09,770 After the baby comes? 205 00:08:09,772 --> 00:08:11,555 Yeah, we'll learn on the job. 206 00:08:11,557 --> 00:08:13,858 Learn on the j... Huh. 207 00:08:13,860 --> 00:08:16,194 Wow, you know, Lily, 208 00:08:16,196 --> 00:08:18,946 maybe the crisis here isn't that I'm not ready to be a dad; 209 00:08:18,948 --> 00:08:21,199 maybe it's that you're not ready to be a mom! 210 00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:22,399 Excuse me?! Yeah. 211 00:08:22,401 --> 00:08:23,901 NARRATOR: With that, an argument began, 212 00:08:23,903 --> 00:08:26,587 the details of which are still hotly debated to this day. 213 00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:29,207 For instance, Uncle Marshall swears he never said: 214 00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:31,654 I'm the only one making sacrifices for this baby! 215 00:08:31,655 --> 00:08:32,125 What?! 216 00:08:32,128 --> 00:08:34,462 And he claims he never actually uttered the words: 217 00:08:34,464 --> 00:08:36,247 It's like you don't even know that you're pregnant! 218 00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:38,716 While Lily insists this part was exaggerated: 219 00:08:38,718 --> 00:08:40,618 Baby's are easy; you just 220 00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:42,720 watch them be cute and feed them spaghetti! 221 00:08:42,722 --> 00:08:45,640 But everyone agrees this is how the argument ended: 222 00:08:45,642 --> 00:08:48,359 Marshall, what I need now is some peace, some quiet, 223 00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:50,144 and now that it's out there, some spaghetti. 224 00:08:50,146 --> 00:08:53,364 Now, please help me off the couch so I can storm out. 225 00:08:55,433 --> 00:08:57,201 (angry grunt): Huh! 226 00:09:00,205 --> 00:09:03,074 NARRATOR: The next day, I filled Barney in on my date. 227 00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:05,442 Oh, Yobin. 228 00:09:05,444 --> 00:09:06,944 No, Robin. 229 00:09:06,946 --> 00:09:08,746 And for the rest of the night, 230 00:09:08,748 --> 00:09:11,882 every time I looked at her, I just saw Robin's face. 231 00:09:11,884 --> 00:09:14,418 Well, I should hope so. No, our Robin. 232 00:09:14,420 --> 00:09:15,786 Robin with an I. 233 00:09:15,788 --> 00:09:17,888 Uh, our Robin has two eyes, my friend. 234 00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:20,141 But that's good. You're forgetting what she looks like. 235 00:09:20,976 --> 00:09:23,427 I'm sorry, that must have been tough. 236 00:09:23,429 --> 00:09:25,680 If anyone knows what that feels like, it's me. 237 00:09:25,682 --> 00:09:27,682 My condolences. 238 00:09:30,969 --> 00:09:33,237 Okay. Moving on. 239 00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:36,240 The next girl: perfect palate cleanser. 240 00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:37,575 Nothing like Robin. 241 00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:38,809 How nothing? 242 00:09:38,811 --> 00:09:41,412 I gaze out into the world and all I see 243 00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:44,982 is an icy place where dreams die. 244 00:09:46,652 --> 00:09:48,869 Ooh, lasagna. 245 00:09:48,871 --> 00:09:51,339 How's it going, Ted? 246 00:09:51,341 --> 00:09:53,341 What? No. What? Wh-Why? 247 00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:55,459 Remember, I made lasagna that one time. 248 00:09:55,461 --> 00:09:56,794 That's all it takes? 249 00:09:56,796 --> 00:09:59,297 It wasn't even lasagna; you took your botched kugle 250 00:09:59,299 --> 00:10:00,848 and poured tomato sauce on it. 251 00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:03,551 I didn't say it was good lasagna. 252 00:10:03,553 --> 00:10:06,203 By the way, what are you doing with this girl? 253 00:10:06,205 --> 00:10:08,639 With tattoos all up and down her arms and... 254 00:10:08,641 --> 00:10:12,526 everywhere else. Hello... good gravy. 255 00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:14,945 Does that dragons tail go all the way down to her... 256 00:10:14,947 --> 00:10:17,681 (chuckling): Ohh, yes, it does. 257 00:10:17,683 --> 00:10:19,734 Well, what do you want me to do, Robin? 258 00:10:19,736 --> 00:10:21,535 I have to get over you somehow, 259 00:10:21,537 --> 00:10:23,187 and if this is what it takes... 260 00:10:23,189 --> 00:10:25,139 Are you okay? 261 00:10:26,524 --> 00:10:28,159 Yeah. Why? 262 00:10:28,161 --> 00:10:30,661 You kind of spaced out there. 263 00:10:30,663 --> 00:10:32,496 Weirdo. 264 00:10:33,582 --> 00:10:35,249 "So, in summation, 265 00:10:35,251 --> 00:10:36,634 I'm very, very sorry." 266 00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,803 "I guess I just wanted you all to myself, 267 00:10:38,805 --> 00:10:41,505 "and then I thought of all the creepy guys groping at your... 268 00:10:41,507 --> 00:10:42,807 "Okay, I'm getting mad again, 269 00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:44,208 "so I'm going to stop writing now. 270 00:10:44,210 --> 00:10:47,812 Please enjoy these chocolates, may contain peanuts." 271 00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:48,996 Kiss and make up? 272 00:10:50,015 --> 00:10:51,015 (chuckles) 273 00:10:52,401 --> 00:10:55,052 Have sex up against the window and make up? - (laughs) 274 00:10:55,054 --> 00:10:57,355 You do have a great view. 275 00:10:57,357 --> 00:10:59,273 Well, funny you should mention that. 276 00:10:59,275 --> 00:11:00,358 It's your view. 277 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,693 Come again for Big Fudge? 278 00:11:02,695 --> 00:11:04,678 Congratulations. You're hired. 279 00:11:05,563 --> 00:11:06,697 You are Goliath National Bank's 280 00:11:06,699 --> 00:11:09,500 newest executive strategy coordinator. 281 00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:12,336 What is an executive strategy coordinator? 282 00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:14,422 It's three corporate-sounding words 283 00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:16,674 which, when added together, equal a fake job 284 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:19,126 for which you get a real paycheck 285 00:11:19,128 --> 00:11:21,745 in the amount of exactly what you'd make stripping. 286 00:11:21,747 --> 00:11:23,747 Plus dental. You're welcs. 287 00:11:23,749 --> 00:11:25,850 Now, about that up-against-the-window sex... 288 00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:27,635 Dude, I don't want to work for a bank. 289 00:11:27,637 --> 00:11:28,519 Why not? 290 00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:30,504 Because I have standards. 291 00:11:30,506 --> 00:11:31,856 You people are whores. 292 00:11:31,858 --> 00:11:34,091 The things you're willing to do just for some money, 293 00:11:34,093 --> 00:11:35,592 it's shameful. 294 00:11:35,594 --> 00:11:37,928 You work in a strip club. 295 00:11:37,930 --> 00:11:39,864 Yeah, and I like it. 296 00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:41,432 And I'm good at it. 297 00:11:41,434 --> 00:11:42,483 Barney, 298 00:11:42,485 --> 00:11:45,236 if I took this job, you would own me. 299 00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:46,954 I would be willingly stepping into a cage, 300 00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:48,622 which is something I don't do. 301 00:11:48,624 --> 00:11:51,325 Except on Thursdays, when it's cage night at the Lusty Leopard, 302 00:11:51,327 --> 00:11:52,493 but that's a cardboard cage, 303 00:11:52,495 --> 00:11:54,795 and I can get out of it any time I want. 304 00:11:54,797 --> 00:11:55,996 You can? 305 00:11:55,998 --> 00:11:58,249 Wow, thanks for ruining cage night. 306 00:11:58,783 --> 00:12:00,134 - Come on, Quinn. - No. 307 00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:00,835 I wouldn't... Nope. 308 00:12:00,837 --> 00:12:02,970 Don't. 309 00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:05,122 I think I have some thinking to do. 310 00:12:05,957 --> 00:12:08,058 I... 311 00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:09,226 Mr. Stinson? 312 00:12:09,228 --> 00:12:10,978 Does this mean I get to keep my job? 313 00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:14,215 (sighs) Yeah, Herm, you can stay. 314 00:12:14,217 --> 00:12:15,900 Hey, baby, listen. 315 00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:17,968 I'm-I'm sorry I flipped out. 316 00:12:17,970 --> 00:12:19,236 Oh, that's okay. 317 00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:21,522 To be fair, maybe I'm at fault 318 00:12:21,524 --> 00:12:23,307 for loving our child too much, 319 00:12:23,309 --> 00:12:25,659 although that is the definition of parenting, so... 320 00:12:25,661 --> 00:12:26,810 All right, good make up. 321 00:12:26,812 --> 00:12:28,412 Hey, listen, I went online, 322 00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:30,531 and I found this Baby Boot Camp thing 323 00:12:30,533 --> 00:12:33,250 that they're doing at a hotel in Paramus this weekend. 324 00:12:33,252 --> 00:12:34,502 Baby Boot Camp? 325 00:12:34,504 --> 00:12:35,753 That sounds great. 326 00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:37,037 Yeah, it's a two-day event... 327 00:12:37,039 --> 00:12:38,155 We're going. 328 00:12:38,157 --> 00:12:39,790 ...and there's lots of seminars and classes. 329 00:12:39,792 --> 00:12:41,175 You've already made the sale. 330 00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:42,510 Anyway, I signed us up. 331 00:12:42,512 --> 00:12:43,928 Not even listening anymore; mentally packing. 332 00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:46,163 I'm trying to figure out the best way to get to Paramus 333 00:12:46,165 --> 00:12:47,348 without hitting any tolls. 334 00:12:47,350 --> 00:12:48,665 This is gonna be great. 335 00:12:50,051 --> 00:12:52,002 And that was the last time 336 00:12:52,004 --> 00:12:54,772 I'll ever go out with a guy with a mustache. 337 00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:55,973 (both chuckling) 338 00:12:55,975 --> 00:12:57,224 This is good. 339 00:12:57,226 --> 00:12:59,727 This is nice, not thinking about you-know-who. 340 00:12:59,729 --> 00:13:01,645 Just having a good time 341 00:13:01,647 --> 00:13:03,731 and thanking God I didn't grow that mustache. 342 00:13:03,733 --> 00:13:05,182 And you, 343 00:13:05,184 --> 00:13:07,518 you're so polite. 344 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:11,205 My ex-fiancé, Wayne, he had no manners. 345 00:13:11,207 --> 00:13:12,740 Wayne had no manners. 346 00:13:12,742 --> 00:13:14,575 Wayne... manners... 347 00:13:14,577 --> 00:13:17,912 Wayne Manor, home of Bruce Wayne, 348 00:13:17,914 --> 00:13:19,730 better known as Batman, 349 00:13:19,732 --> 00:13:22,299 mentor to Dick Grayson, his orphan ward 350 00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:24,502 who at night would don the colorful vestments 351 00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:26,420 of the Boy Wonder, aka... 352 00:13:26,422 --> 00:13:28,172 (growling): Robin. 353 00:13:28,174 --> 00:13:31,509 Holy long walk for a short drink of water, Ted. 354 00:13:31,511 --> 00:13:32,510 Stop this. 355 00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:34,512 I need you out of my life for real. 356 00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:36,063 - You don't mean that. - Yes, I do. 357 00:13:36,065 --> 00:13:37,064 No, you don't. 358 00:13:37,066 --> 00:13:38,882 Look how much is changing right now. 359 00:13:38,884 --> 00:13:41,185 Marshall and Lily are having a baby. 360 00:13:41,187 --> 00:13:42,886 Barney's shacking up with a girl. 361 00:13:42,888 --> 00:13:44,021 With your whole world 362 00:13:44,023 --> 00:13:45,489 turning upside down, 363 00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:46,907 isn't a friendship like this one 364 00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:50,361 something you want to hold on to as tightly as possible? 365 00:13:52,330 --> 00:13:56,000 And every time I look at you, it hurts. 366 00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:58,502 ...and that's the story of my only lesbian experience. 367 00:13:58,504 --> 00:13:59,954 I'm sorry 368 00:13:59,956 --> 00:14:01,922 for going into so much detail. 369 00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:04,375 I'll never tell that story again. 370 00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:06,076 Anyway, how's your meal? 371 00:14:06,078 --> 00:14:08,412 Holly, listen, I should probably tell you, 372 00:14:08,414 --> 00:14:12,099 um, I'm kind of getting over someone right now. 373 00:14:12,101 --> 00:14:14,552 I am so glad you said that. 374 00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:17,087 I guess I'm still getting over Wayne. 375 00:14:17,089 --> 00:14:18,939 It's been really hard. 376 00:14:19,708 --> 00:14:21,725 Can I interest you in some sorbet? 377 00:14:21,727 --> 00:14:24,228 You two look like you could both use a palate cleanser. 378 00:14:28,033 --> 00:14:30,401 (exhales) 379 00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:31,936 How's your palate, Ted? 380 00:14:31,938 --> 00:14:34,121 Pretty cleansed. 381 00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:36,407 (chuckling) 382 00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:38,909 (groans) You know, at this seminar, 383 00:14:38,911 --> 00:14:40,961 there's gonna be the one guy who's, like, 384 00:14:40,963 --> 00:14:43,631 Mr. Parenting Expert, keeps interrupting the speakers 385 00:14:43,633 --> 00:14:45,449 with his own "important facts." 386 00:14:45,451 --> 00:14:47,635 And you're gonna be sitting right next to him, 387 00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:50,137 so get ready for that. 388 00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:52,673 Baby, you've been a little sleep deprived lately. 389 00:14:52,675 --> 00:14:54,725 Why don't you let me drive? 390 00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:57,628 You know what, that's not such a bad idea. 391 00:14:57,630 --> 00:14:59,796 I mean, the last thing we want 392 00:14:59,798 --> 00:15:03,233 is for me to get behind the wheel and just... 393 00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:06,487 (snoring) 394 00:15:06,489 --> 00:15:10,107 (groaning) 395 00:15:10,109 --> 00:15:12,159 (moans) 396 00:15:12,161 --> 00:15:14,945 Oh, baby, you smell good. 397 00:15:14,947 --> 00:15:17,414 When we get to that hotel, 398 00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:20,000 I'm gonna wear your pregnant belly like a hat. 399 00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:21,619 BARNEY: You'll have to buy me 400 00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:23,170 a couple of cocktails first. 401 00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:24,821 Bar-Barney! 402 00:15:24,823 --> 00:15:26,490 Where are we? 403 00:15:26,492 --> 00:15:29,510 Atlantic City, baby! 404 00:15:29,512 --> 00:15:31,679 Well, in 14 miles. 405 00:15:34,744 --> 00:15:36,548 What the hell is going on? 406 00:15:36,648 --> 00:15:37,880 And where is Lily? 407 00:15:37,882 --> 00:15:40,383 And what did you do to the practice baby? 408 00:15:40,385 --> 00:15:42,718 And is there any left? 409 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:45,238 Lily was worried about you. 410 00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:47,690 She thought you needed to unwind, so... 411 00:15:47,692 --> 00:15:50,893 I mean, the last thing we want is for me to 412 00:15:50,895 --> 00:15:53,329 get behind the wheel and just... 413 00:15:53,331 --> 00:15:55,765 (snoring) 414 00:15:57,785 --> 00:15:59,786 BARNEY: She made reservations for two deluxe rooms, 415 00:15:59,788 --> 00:16:01,237 massages, and dinner at the Palm, 416 00:16:01,239 --> 00:16:04,207 and in return, I made her cookies. 417 00:16:06,677 --> 00:16:09,912 So, there's no Baby Boot Camp at the Paramus Waldorf? 418 00:16:11,548 --> 00:16:13,266 Is there even a Paramus Waldorf? 419 00:16:13,268 --> 00:16:14,717 Bro... 420 00:16:14,719 --> 00:16:17,220 I am so mad at Lily right now. 421 00:16:17,222 --> 00:16:20,807 She knew you would be; that's why she packed this. 422 00:16:20,809 --> 00:16:23,142 Aw. 423 00:16:23,144 --> 00:16:25,561 My mad-at-Lily shirt. 424 00:16:25,563 --> 00:16:28,264 I had this made for me 425 00:16:28,266 --> 00:16:30,283 and my high school girlfriend, Steph. 426 00:16:30,285 --> 00:16:32,485 In reality, "Marshall and Steph 4-eva" 427 00:16:32,487 --> 00:16:33,569 turned out to be 428 00:16:33,571 --> 00:16:35,405 "Marshall and Steph for two days 429 00:16:35,407 --> 00:16:38,941 until Steph's boyfriend got out of juvie a week early." 430 00:16:38,943 --> 00:16:41,610 Drives Lily crazy when I wear it. 431 00:16:42,379 --> 00:16:45,081 I hope she's miserable without me. 432 00:16:45,083 --> 00:16:46,632 (crunching) 433 00:16:49,303 --> 00:16:51,387 Hey, Ted, how's tricks? 434 00:16:51,389 --> 00:16:52,755 Tricks are pretty good, Lou. 435 00:16:52,757 --> 00:16:55,958 Had some girl trouble earlier in the week, but, uh, 436 00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:58,060 I got a feeling from here on out, things are gonna be A... 437 00:16:58,062 --> 00:17:00,563 O-Oh, you son of a bitch. 438 00:17:00,565 --> 00:17:02,932 Hello. 439 00:17:02,934 --> 00:17:04,901 (cheering) 440 00:17:04,903 --> 00:17:06,269 Lily's right. 441 00:17:06,271 --> 00:17:07,603 I've been acting crazy. 442 00:17:07,605 --> 00:17:08,738 No, it's okay, bro. 443 00:17:08,740 --> 00:17:11,407 I mean, yeah, you've been a little crazy, 444 00:17:11,409 --> 00:17:12,808 but it comes from love. 445 00:17:12,810 --> 00:17:14,911 It's the same kind of crazy that makes a man 446 00:17:14,913 --> 00:17:18,164 offer his stripper girlfriend over half a million dollars 447 00:17:18,166 --> 00:17:19,415 of government bailout money, 448 00:17:19,417 --> 00:17:21,200 not to rub up on other guys' junk. 449 00:17:21,202 --> 00:17:22,651 It's good crazy. 450 00:17:22,653 --> 00:17:23,986 (gamblers groaning) 451 00:17:27,925 --> 00:17:29,592 I hope Lily's okay. Okay, 452 00:17:29,594 --> 00:17:30,826 you know, that's it, bro. 453 00:17:30,828 --> 00:17:32,661 We're both turning off our phones for one hour. 454 00:17:32,663 --> 00:17:33,763 Motion denied. 455 00:17:33,765 --> 00:17:36,682 Okay, you leave me no choice. 456 00:17:36,684 --> 00:17:40,520 Proposal: you give me one hour of phone-free bro time, 457 00:17:40,522 --> 00:17:43,306 during which we, and by we I mean you, 458 00:17:43,308 --> 00:17:46,309 get magnificently, mythologically drunk. 459 00:17:46,311 --> 00:17:50,012 I'm talking needing-subtitles- when-you-speak drunk. 460 00:17:50,014 --> 00:17:52,515 If you can give me that, 461 00:17:52,517 --> 00:17:55,651 I will wear this. 462 00:17:55,653 --> 00:17:56,736 The ducky tie? 463 00:17:56,738 --> 00:17:58,120 I thought you threw that thing away. 464 00:17:58,122 --> 00:17:59,572 I did. 465 00:17:59,574 --> 00:18:01,524 It came back. 466 00:18:01,526 --> 00:18:03,192 All right, Barney, 467 00:18:03,194 --> 00:18:05,044 you got yourself a deal. 468 00:18:05,046 --> 00:18:06,996 (chuckles) 469 00:18:06,998 --> 00:18:08,798 (beep) 470 00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:11,083 Um, excuse me, miss. 471 00:18:11,085 --> 00:18:12,418 Um, when you get a chance, 472 00:18:12,420 --> 00:18:16,389 could you bring over a hundred shots of tequila, please? 473 00:18:16,391 --> 00:18:17,990 I'll have the same. 474 00:18:22,546 --> 00:18:23,779 Why are you still here? 475 00:18:23,781 --> 00:18:25,398 Why do you think I'm still here? 476 00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:28,234 I guess because I'm in love with you. 477 00:18:28,236 --> 00:18:31,554 Why else would I be seeing your face everywhere I look? 478 00:18:31,556 --> 00:18:33,222 Because you feel bad. 479 00:18:33,224 --> 00:18:35,241 Of course I feel bad. 480 00:18:35,243 --> 00:18:37,059 I told you I love you, 481 00:18:37,061 --> 00:18:40,696 which is apparently the worst thing you can say to someone. 482 00:18:40,698 --> 00:18:42,365 That's not why you feel bad. 483 00:18:42,367 --> 00:18:44,784 You feel bad because after you said it, 484 00:18:44,786 --> 00:18:46,435 you let me go away. 485 00:18:47,538 --> 00:18:48,671 I know our relationship 486 00:18:48,673 --> 00:18:50,923 isn't exactly what you want it to be, 487 00:18:50,925 --> 00:18:52,925 and I know I may not love you 488 00:18:52,927 --> 00:18:56,913 the way you love me, but I do love you. 489 00:18:58,482 --> 00:19:00,766 Isn't that worth hanging on to? 490 00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:04,887 (sighs) 491 00:19:04,889 --> 00:19:08,391 I miss you. 492 00:19:08,393 --> 00:19:10,876 So go get me back. 493 00:19:15,765 --> 00:19:17,466 (exhales) 494 00:19:17,468 --> 00:19:19,268 Robin? 495 00:19:19,270 --> 00:19:20,453 Ted. 496 00:19:20,455 --> 00:19:21,704 It's good to really see you. 497 00:19:21,706 --> 00:19:23,322 It's really good to see you. 498 00:19:23,324 --> 00:19:24,624 Look, I think we need to talk. 499 00:19:24,626 --> 00:19:26,993 Uh, me, too, but now's not a good time. 500 00:19:26,995 --> 00:19:27,827 Why not? 501 00:19:27,829 --> 00:19:29,912 I am proud of you, bro. 502 00:19:29,914 --> 00:19:32,331 You turned off your phone for one hour, 503 00:19:32,333 --> 00:19:33,749 and you got so drunk... 504 00:19:33,751 --> 00:19:35,918 (mumbling) 505 00:19:38,455 --> 00:19:40,423 Exactly. 506 00:19:41,224 --> 00:19:42,258 Hey, (mumbles). 507 00:19:42,260 --> 00:19:43,593 Yes, Marshall? 508 00:19:43,595 --> 00:19:46,178 (speaking untelligibly) 509 00:19:46,180 --> 00:19:47,913 Well, I don't see why not. 510 00:19:50,017 --> 00:19:53,753 Whoa! I've got 17 new voicemails. 511 00:19:53,755 --> 00:19:55,104 Barney, it's Lily. 512 00:19:55,106 --> 00:19:57,406 You guys need to get back to New York right away. 513 00:19:57,408 --> 00:19:58,474 I'm in labor. 514 00:19:58,476 --> 00:20:00,809 (Marshall yelling) 515 00:20:00,811 --> 00:20:02,478 All hail Beercules! 516 00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:03,946 (laughing) Yeah! 517 00:20:03,948 --> 00:20:05,814 (laughing) 518 00:20:12,066 --> 00:20:13,116 (groans) 519 00:20:13,118 --> 00:20:16,353 All right, Barney, you got yourself a deal. 520 00:20:19,090 --> 00:20:20,590 (beep) 521 00:20:20,592 --> 00:20:22,826 Hey, you've reached Marshall. 522 00:20:22,828 --> 00:20:24,377 Please leave a message. (beep) 523 00:20:24,379 --> 00:20:26,446 Hey, baby, it's me. 524 00:20:26,448 --> 00:20:27,981 I think I'm labor. 525 00:20:27,983 --> 00:20:31,801 (coughs) We should do this every weekend. 526 00:20:31,803 --> 00:20:34,020 (beep) Okay, this is real. 527 00:20:34,022 --> 00:20:35,188 It's not a false alarm. 528 00:20:35,190 --> 00:20:36,439 This is real; I'm in labor. 529 00:20:36,441 --> 00:20:38,775 I kind of need you to call me back now. 530 00:20:38,777 --> 00:20:40,860 How does somebody so little 531 00:20:40,862 --> 00:20:44,597 have such strong fingers? 532 00:20:44,599 --> 00:20:45,865 Call me! 533 00:20:45,867 --> 00:20:48,785 He is the manager of the Paramus Waldorf. 534 00:20:48,787 --> 00:20:52,539 You come to Paramus, we will hook you up. 535 00:20:52,541 --> 00:20:54,491 (beep) If you're trying to get back at me, 536 00:20:54,493 --> 00:20:58,398 you have chosen a wildly inappropriate way of doing so! 537 00:20:58,949 --> 00:21:02,393 Oh, yeah... Oh, yeah. 538 00:21:02,394 --> 00:21:06,394 == sync, corrected by elderman == 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net