1 00:00:01,887 --> 00:00:04,056 NARRATOR: Kids, once your Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily 2 00:00:04,156 --> 00:00:05,489 found a nanny for baby Marvin, 3 00:00:05,491 --> 00:00:06,824 they were excited 4 00:00:06,826 --> 00:00:09,626 for their first day out together in five months. 5 00:00:09,628 --> 00:00:10,744 And so were we. 6 00:00:10,746 --> 00:00:12,629 (all cheer) Mama. 7 00:00:12,631 --> 00:00:14,698 Dada. 8 00:00:14,700 --> 00:00:15,916 Hi, gang. 9 00:00:15,918 --> 00:00:17,050 Ooh. 10 00:00:17,052 --> 00:00:19,219 Ah, so, now that there's no 11 00:00:19,221 --> 00:00:21,054 screaming baby to distract us, 12 00:00:21,056 --> 00:00:22,539 what have you guys been up to lately? Yeah. 13 00:00:22,541 --> 00:00:25,626 NARRATOR: This was a surprisingly loaded question. 14 00:00:25,628 --> 00:00:27,494 You see, right after Marvin was born, 15 00:00:27,496 --> 00:00:30,497 Lily and Marshall had issued a decree. 16 00:00:30,499 --> 00:00:34,485 New rule: you can't come to us with any issue 17 00:00:34,487 --> 00:00:36,470 unless it's an eight or higher. 18 00:00:36,472 --> 00:00:38,889 And we were doing our best to abide. 19 00:00:38,891 --> 00:00:39,990 MARSHALL: Ted, how are things 20 00:00:39,992 --> 00:00:41,442 going with Victoria? 21 00:00:42,811 --> 00:00:44,695 My dad made the funniest joke. 22 00:00:44,697 --> 00:00:47,498 He said that since you're the reason I left the wedding, 23 00:00:47,500 --> 00:00:50,083 you owe him the $70,000 he paid for it, 24 00:00:50,085 --> 00:00:51,502 or else. 25 00:00:51,504 --> 00:00:53,737 (laughs) 26 00:00:53,739 --> 00:00:57,291 You know, he's not usually funny like that. 27 00:00:57,293 --> 00:01:00,744 Not promising, but not an eight. 28 00:01:00,746 --> 00:01:03,180 Everything's great. 29 00:01:03,182 --> 00:01:05,516 And Robin, how's everything with Nick? 30 00:01:06,501 --> 00:01:08,585 Finally ready for a ride on the bike? 31 00:01:08,587 --> 00:01:09,770 Who? Me? 32 00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:13,273 Let's ride, Big Daddy. 33 00:01:16,478 --> 00:01:17,811 Oh, yeah. 34 00:01:20,615 --> 00:01:22,766 Mama likey. 35 00:01:22,768 --> 00:01:26,787 ♪ ♪ 36 00:01:26,789 --> 00:01:29,289 Robin, over here. Ooh. 37 00:01:29,291 --> 00:01:32,826 Eco-friendly. 38 00:01:32,828 --> 00:01:34,962 She runs on corn. 39 00:01:36,164 --> 00:01:39,883 ROBIN: Totally lady bone killer, but not an eight. 40 00:01:39,885 --> 00:01:42,285 Everything's great. 41 00:01:42,287 --> 00:01:45,472 And how are things for the old Barnacle? 42 00:01:46,674 --> 00:01:50,143 (both panting) 43 00:01:50,145 --> 00:01:51,428 BARNEY: Not an eight. 44 00:01:51,430 --> 00:01:53,680 At best, she was a six, six and a half. 45 00:01:53,682 --> 00:01:55,766 More like a four by the time I was done with her. 46 00:01:55,768 --> 00:01:58,101 Mental self-five. (hands smack) 47 00:01:58,103 --> 00:01:59,853 Everything's great. 48 00:02:01,105 --> 00:02:04,307 To long-awaited MacLaren's return of Marshall and Lily. 49 00:02:04,309 --> 00:02:05,742 (all cheer) 50 00:02:05,744 --> 00:02:07,411 ALL: Mmm. 51 00:02:07,413 --> 00:02:09,246 I've missed this. Okay. We got to go. 52 00:02:09,248 --> 00:02:10,697 W-what? You just got here. 53 00:02:10,699 --> 00:02:12,699 I cleared my whole night for you guys. 54 00:02:12,701 --> 00:02:15,285 I didn't even bring my booty-call phone. 55 00:02:15,287 --> 00:02:16,920 Oh, I'm sorry, but we just really 56 00:02:16,922 --> 00:02:18,505 need some time to ourselves. 57 00:02:18,507 --> 00:02:20,257 I promise we'll hang out soon. 58 00:02:20,259 --> 00:02:23,176 See you guys. Bye. 59 00:02:23,178 --> 00:02:25,045 ♪ Booty, booty, booty, booty rocking everywhere ♪ 60 00:02:25,047 --> 00:02:27,497 ♪ Booty, booty, booty, booty rocking everywhere ♪ 61 00:02:27,499 --> 00:02:29,132 ♪ Booty, booty, booty, booty ♪ 62 00:02:29,134 --> 00:02:31,635 Yeah, like I'm going to leave this at home. 63 00:02:31,637 --> 00:02:33,470 Barney Stinson. How may I direct my penis? 64 00:02:33,472 --> 00:02:35,022 TED: Oh, geez. 65 00:02:35,024 --> 00:02:38,392 It is so nice to be out in the fresh air. 66 00:02:38,394 --> 00:02:40,060 You smell that? Ooh. 67 00:02:40,062 --> 00:02:41,895 That's the smell of urine that isn't Marvin's. 68 00:02:41,897 --> 00:02:43,897 Oh, God, I miss that smell. 69 00:02:43,899 --> 00:02:45,866 You know, I thought we'd spend the whole time 70 00:02:45,868 --> 00:02:48,569 worrying about Marvin, but it's actually nice to be out 71 00:02:48,571 --> 00:02:50,103 in the world, living life. 72 00:02:50,105 --> 00:02:51,238 Yeah. 73 00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:52,205 (car tires screech) 74 00:02:52,207 --> 00:02:55,192 (both scream) 75 00:02:55,194 --> 00:02:58,946 Death is all around us. 76 00:02:58,948 --> 00:03:01,648 Wow, that urine smell just got a lot stronger. 77 00:03:03,258 --> 00:03:07,258 ♪ How I Met Your Mother 8x04 ♪ Who Wants to Be a Godparent? Original Air Date on October 15, 2012 78 00:03:07,260 --> 00:03:11,260 == sync, corrected by elderman == 79 00:03:16,147 --> 00:03:17,681 So, you guys spent 80 00:03:17,683 --> 00:03:18,899 your first night out in five months, 81 00:03:18,901 --> 00:03:20,884 sitting at home planning for your own deaths? 82 00:03:20,886 --> 00:03:23,870 Yeah, we found this Web site that helps you make a will. 83 00:03:23,872 --> 00:03:25,973 In the event of your death... Ooh! 84 00:03:25,975 --> 00:03:27,841 I'm sorry. 85 00:03:27,843 --> 00:03:30,327 It-it's just-just real sad to think about. 86 00:03:30,329 --> 00:03:31,528 Oh, I know. 87 00:03:31,530 --> 00:03:32,696 All right. 88 00:03:32,698 --> 00:03:34,665 In the event of your death... (sobs) 89 00:03:34,667 --> 00:03:36,249 Okay, no, you know what? 90 00:03:36,251 --> 00:03:37,400 Let's just start with something easy. 91 00:03:37,402 --> 00:03:38,568 Okay. Okay? 92 00:03:38,570 --> 00:03:39,753 Please enter your zip code. 93 00:03:39,755 --> 00:03:44,374 (sobbing): We'll never get mail again. 94 00:03:45,409 --> 00:03:48,578 I keep reassuring Lily that this is all hypothetical. 95 00:03:48,580 --> 00:03:52,099 Relatively speaking, New York City is very safe. 96 00:03:52,101 --> 00:03:55,385 Please, faulty elevators, exploding man hole covers, 97 00:03:55,387 --> 00:03:57,087 jealous husbands. Mmm. 98 00:03:57,089 --> 00:03:58,689 This place is a coroner's paradise. 99 00:03:58,691 --> 00:04:00,090 Ooh! 100 00:04:00,092 --> 00:04:02,809 They are way more likely to eat it in a mugging gone wrong. 101 00:04:02,811 --> 00:04:04,695 There was a double hommy on your block like a week ago. 102 00:04:04,697 --> 00:04:06,429 Caught it on the scanner during lunch. 103 00:04:06,431 --> 00:04:07,864 Knife job. 104 00:04:07,866 --> 00:04:09,816 Guy made a real mess of it too. 105 00:04:09,818 --> 00:04:11,785 (sobbing) 106 00:04:12,436 --> 00:04:13,620 Anyway, 107 00:04:13,622 --> 00:04:16,456 then we got to the section about picking a guardian. 108 00:04:16,458 --> 00:04:19,826 Sometimes couples choose one of their parents as a guardian. 109 00:04:19,828 --> 00:04:21,745 That makes it simple. 110 00:04:21,747 --> 00:04:22,946 My mom. 111 00:04:22,948 --> 00:04:24,447 Your mom? 112 00:04:24,449 --> 00:04:25,999 What's wrong with my mom? 113 00:04:26,001 --> 00:04:27,067 Are you... 114 00:04:27,069 --> 00:04:31,338 (rapid gibberish) 115 00:04:31,340 --> 00:04:33,006 Fine. All right. 116 00:04:33,008 --> 00:04:35,842 Marvin won't go to my loving mother. 117 00:04:35,844 --> 00:04:37,010 But he's got to go to somebody. 118 00:04:37,012 --> 00:04:38,628 Fine. 119 00:04:38,630 --> 00:04:39,796 What about my mom? 120 00:04:39,798 --> 00:04:41,231 (scoffs) Your mom? 121 00:04:41,233 --> 00:04:42,816 Um, excuse... 122 00:04:50,358 --> 00:04:51,307 Fine. 123 00:04:51,309 --> 00:04:53,493 Not my mom. 124 00:04:53,495 --> 00:04:54,494 What about my dad? 125 00:04:54,496 --> 00:04:56,063 Your dad? 126 00:04:56,065 --> 00:04:57,480 Okay, yeah, he's out. 127 00:04:57,482 --> 00:05:00,117 Wait a minute. You know who could be good? 128 00:05:00,119 --> 00:05:01,568 My brother Marcus. 129 00:05:01,570 --> 00:05:03,587 He's like a great dad. 130 00:05:03,589 --> 00:05:04,821 Do you remember his Christmas card? 131 00:05:04,823 --> 00:05:07,991 (Christmas music playing) 132 00:05:07,993 --> 00:05:12,179 Questionable denim choices aside, Marcus is a good dad. 133 00:05:12,181 --> 00:05:15,682 I guess if Marvin has to go to anyone, it should be family. 134 00:05:15,684 --> 00:05:17,467 Okay, great. 135 00:05:17,469 --> 00:05:18,969 Okay. 136 00:05:18,971 --> 00:05:20,804 Marcus, hey, how's it going? 137 00:05:20,806 --> 00:05:23,223 Pretty freaking sweet, buttwipe. 138 00:05:23,225 --> 00:05:27,077 I packed up all my crap; I said, "See ya" to Sarah and the kids; 139 00:05:27,079 --> 00:05:28,979 and I finally got my dream job 140 00:05:28,981 --> 00:05:32,215 as a mixologist down here at Carnalism 2. 141 00:05:32,217 --> 00:05:33,633 (sighs) Hold on. 142 00:05:33,635 --> 00:05:36,453 Some punk's trying to use his snorkel rental as a bong. 143 00:05:36,455 --> 00:05:37,854 Hey! 144 00:05:37,856 --> 00:05:42,242 (Jamaican accent) You be packin' that bowl too tight, mon. 145 00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:46,296 So, now we don't have a guardian. 146 00:05:46,298 --> 00:05:48,548 You know, as your best friend, 147 00:05:48,550 --> 00:05:51,752 if called upon, I'd be honored to raise Marvin. 148 00:05:51,754 --> 00:05:54,354 If you want him to be raised by his underwear on a flagpole, 149 00:05:54,356 --> 00:05:55,338 Ted's your guy. 150 00:05:55,340 --> 00:05:56,423 If you want him pulling the chord 151 00:05:56,425 --> 00:05:58,008 on some other nerd's panties, 152 00:05:58,010 --> 00:05:59,226 (clicks tongue) I'm your guy. 153 00:05:59,228 --> 00:06:01,377 I'll teach that kid how to be awesome 154 00:06:01,379 --> 00:06:03,263 in ways you and Lily never could. 155 00:06:03,265 --> 00:06:05,232 It's going to be legend... 156 00:06:05,234 --> 00:06:06,566 ...wait for it, no, I won't wait for it 157 00:06:06,568 --> 00:06:07,934 and neither should little baby Marvin, 158 00:06:07,936 --> 00:06:09,236 so maybe it's better if you two just die right now... 159 00:06:09,238 --> 00:06:10,904 ...dary. 160 00:06:10,906 --> 00:06:16,076 NARRATOR: And so began the longest week of Lily and Marshall's lives. 161 00:06:16,078 --> 00:06:17,611 Huh? 162 00:06:18,362 --> 00:06:20,080 Huh? 163 00:06:23,785 --> 00:06:28,088 ♪ Bro McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-bro ♪ 164 00:06:28,090 --> 00:06:30,674 ♪ And on that farm he had some chicks ♪ 165 00:06:30,676 --> 00:06:32,575 ♪ E-I-E-I-bro ♪ 166 00:06:32,577 --> 00:06:34,795 ♪ With a hot chick here and a dumb chick there... ♪ 167 00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:39,800 Huh? Huh? 168 00:06:42,753 --> 00:06:45,588 ♪ Bro, bro, bro your broat ♪ 169 00:06:45,590 --> 00:06:47,757 ♪ Gently to the bar ♪ 170 00:06:47,759 --> 00:06:50,777 ♪ Hit on sluts, then do ten shots and... ♪ 171 00:06:54,598 --> 00:06:58,318 Huh? Huh? 172 00:07:00,538 --> 00:07:03,039 Aah! 173 00:07:06,244 --> 00:07:09,279 ♪ The boobs on the bus go up and down ♪ 174 00:07:09,281 --> 00:07:11,548 ♪ Up and down, up and down ♪ 175 00:07:11,550 --> 00:07:15,051 ♪ The boobs on the bus go up and down ♪ 176 00:07:20,641 --> 00:07:22,592 ♪ All through the town. ♪ 177 00:07:24,212 --> 00:07:25,562 ROBIN: What? 178 00:07:25,564 --> 00:07:27,681 You think you can bribe them with a stroller? 179 00:07:27,683 --> 00:07:29,232 They already got one, foo. 180 00:07:29,234 --> 00:07:31,801 Oh, this is no stroller, Robin. 181 00:07:31,803 --> 00:07:33,503 I call it the Broller. 182 00:07:33,505 --> 00:07:34,688 Go ahead. Look inside. 183 00:07:35,523 --> 00:07:38,141 (sighs) 184 00:07:38,143 --> 00:07:39,326 I don't get it. I don't see anything. 185 00:07:39,328 --> 00:07:41,578 Yeah, but Papa does. 186 00:07:43,865 --> 00:07:46,833 Those Robin's boobies? 187 00:07:46,835 --> 00:07:49,452 When new nubile hotties lean in to inspect your bundle of joy, 188 00:07:49,454 --> 00:07:52,205 you can inspect their bundles of joy. 189 00:07:52,207 --> 00:07:53,840 The Broller. 190 00:07:53,842 --> 00:07:55,542 God, I come up with a lot of good stuff. 191 00:07:55,544 --> 00:07:57,010 Hey, guys, hey... 192 00:07:57,012 --> 00:07:58,011 Hey. 193 00:07:58,013 --> 00:07:59,829 Lily and I need you to come upstairs. 194 00:07:59,831 --> 00:08:01,348 This is an important decision 195 00:08:01,350 --> 00:08:03,350 and we can't have you constantly interrupting us 196 00:08:03,352 --> 00:08:05,435 with this childish competition. 197 00:08:05,437 --> 00:08:08,638 Which is why we're going to make it 198 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:11,341 an official competition! 199 00:08:11,343 --> 00:08:13,676 We're going to play Who Wants to Be a Godparent? 200 00:08:13,678 --> 00:08:16,496 Right after this word from our sponsors. 201 00:08:18,783 --> 00:08:20,867 Why is he talking to the wall? 202 00:08:25,250 --> 00:08:28,525 Wait, this is how you're going to choose a guardian for Marvin? 203 00:08:28,625 --> 00:08:30,142 I mean, why don't you just put us 204 00:08:30,144 --> 00:08:32,677 in a three-way cage match and go with whoever's left standing? 205 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:35,964 We talked about that, but it gave Robin an unfair advantage. 206 00:08:35,966 --> 00:08:38,066 MARSHALL: Yeah, you see, guys, we were 207 00:08:38,068 --> 00:08:40,052 really struggling with this decision. 208 00:08:40,054 --> 00:08:42,137 ♪ All through the town. ♪ 209 00:08:44,107 --> 00:08:45,974 Babe, I know these guys have been 210 00:08:45,976 --> 00:08:48,527 a little over the top lately. LILY: A little? 211 00:08:49,629 --> 00:08:52,564 But we still have to pick a guardian just in case. 212 00:08:52,566 --> 00:08:53,665 In case of what? 213 00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:55,200 Don't make me say it. 214 00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:56,585 Say it. I can handle it. 215 00:08:56,587 --> 00:08:57,586 Say it. 216 00:08:57,588 --> 00:08:59,588 In case we die. 217 00:08:59,590 --> 00:09:02,323 (sobbing) 218 00:09:02,325 --> 00:09:05,527 How can you even say it? 219 00:09:05,529 --> 00:09:07,045 MARSHALL: And then I thought what do you do 220 00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,964 if you got a wife who won't stop crying, 221 00:09:08,966 --> 00:09:11,716 three idiots who won't stop bribing you, 222 00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:15,337 and a universally beloved skill for gamesmanship? 223 00:09:15,339 --> 00:09:17,472 You take a bunch of guardianship scenarios, 224 00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:19,691 throw them on a wheel, buy your wife an expensive dress 225 00:09:19,693 --> 00:09:20,675 so she'll participate. 226 00:09:20,677 --> 00:09:22,227 I'm pretty again. 227 00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:23,845 Bottom line is I just wanted 228 00:09:23,847 --> 00:09:26,148 to make the idea of me and Lily dying... 229 00:09:26,150 --> 00:09:27,849 fun. Oh. 230 00:09:27,851 --> 00:09:29,734 Now, if you'll step behind your podiums, we'll get started. 231 00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,536 (game show music plays) 232 00:09:31,538 --> 00:09:33,705 (clears throat) 233 00:09:33,707 --> 00:09:34,756 Contestants, 234 00:09:34,758 --> 00:09:35,874 here's how the game works. 235 00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:38,243 Lily will spin that wheel. Not yet. 236 00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:40,162 When it lands on a parenting issue, 237 00:09:40,164 --> 00:09:43,965 you'll each describe how you would handle it with Marvin. 238 00:09:43,967 --> 00:09:45,750 The contestant with the highest score gets to be 239 00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:46,968 his godparent. 240 00:09:46,970 --> 00:09:48,753 Ready to play? Great. Lily, 241 00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,589 spin that wheel! 242 00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:53,892 (music stops) 243 00:09:53,894 --> 00:09:57,596 Okay, now, see, um, enthusiasm will factor into your scores. 244 00:09:57,598 --> 00:09:58,814 So, I say again: 245 00:09:58,816 --> 00:10:00,432 Lily, spin... 246 00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:02,050 ALL: Spin that wheel! 247 00:10:02,052 --> 00:10:05,887 ♪ ♪ 248 00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:09,608 MARSHALL: Ooh. 249 00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:10,725 Our demise. 250 00:10:10,727 --> 00:10:11,943 (sobs) (clears throat) 251 00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,995 Barney, how would you 252 00:10:13,997 --> 00:10:18,567 explain to little Marvin why we're not around anymore? 253 00:10:18,569 --> 00:10:20,902 No. 254 00:10:20,904 --> 00:10:23,622 Easy, all I'd have to do is change a few words 255 00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:25,891 to one of my classics with the ladies. 256 00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:28,844 The President of the World has called your parents away 257 00:10:28,846 --> 00:10:30,846 on a super-secret space mission. 258 00:10:30,848 --> 00:10:34,599 For the sake of the planet, you will never see them again. 259 00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:37,085 Now pick up your toys and say good night to Daddy. 260 00:10:37,087 --> 00:10:39,354 What do you know? That last line stays the same. 261 00:10:39,356 --> 00:10:40,422 Judges? 262 00:10:40,424 --> 00:10:41,106 (blows raspberry) 263 00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:43,141 MARSHALL: Okay, Robin, 264 00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:44,693 what would you do, and remember, 265 00:10:44,695 --> 00:10:46,528 "President of the World called parents away 266 00:10:46,530 --> 00:10:49,397 for a super-secret space mission" has already been taken. 267 00:10:49,399 --> 00:10:52,551 Well, my dad was always upfront and honest with me, 268 00:10:52,553 --> 00:10:54,486 so that's how I would be. 269 00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:57,405 All right, kid, here's the deal with the deal. 270 00:10:57,407 --> 00:10:58,623 Your mom and dad are done-ski. 271 00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:00,292 Belly-flopped off a subway platform. 272 00:11:00,294 --> 00:11:02,961 Mom busted open like a piñata. 273 00:11:02,963 --> 00:11:05,647 What was left of your dad hung around for a few days. 274 00:11:05,649 --> 00:11:07,132 Anyway, plug's pulled. Organs donated. 275 00:11:07,134 --> 00:11:09,968 Long story short: I'm your new mommy now. (chuckles) 276 00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:12,053 Sah-wish! 277 00:11:12,055 --> 00:11:13,104 (sobbing) 278 00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:17,292 Well, I was saving these for the showcase, 279 00:11:17,294 --> 00:11:20,011 but here. Hey, Lily, look, baby, 280 00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:21,513 his-and-her watches. 281 00:11:21,515 --> 00:11:23,882 Ooh. 282 00:11:23,884 --> 00:11:27,369 (clears throat) Ted, the category's all yours. 283 00:11:27,371 --> 00:11:29,287 Okay, here's what I would say. 284 00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:32,657 Well, Marvin, explaining where your parents are 285 00:11:32,659 --> 00:11:33,858 isn't gonna be easy. 286 00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:38,496 Even I-- Lily and Marshall's best friend 287 00:11:38,498 --> 00:11:42,150 for almost 20 years-- 288 00:11:42,152 --> 00:11:45,754 will have a hard time doing it. 289 00:11:46,989 --> 00:11:50,592 But I do know a guy who's very good at this sort of thing. 290 00:11:51,994 --> 00:11:53,929 Professor Infosaurus! 291 00:11:54,730 --> 00:11:56,298 (high voice): Hey, there, squirt! 292 00:11:56,300 --> 00:12:01,620 Death is a difficult yet unfortunate certainty. 293 00:12:01,622 --> 00:12:04,172 Good enough! Ted wins the round! 294 00:12:04,174 --> 00:12:05,807 Yes! Yes! You'll see. 295 00:12:05,809 --> 00:12:09,060 Professor Infosaurus will be a big, big hit with children. 296 00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:13,281 Isn't that right, kids? 297 00:12:16,035 --> 00:12:17,836 Moving on. 298 00:12:20,239 --> 00:12:21,706 "Discipline." 299 00:12:21,708 --> 00:12:24,359 "How would you handle Marvin 300 00:12:24,361 --> 00:12:27,879 taking another kid's toy?" Barney? 301 00:12:27,881 --> 00:12:29,681 (scoffs) That's easy. 302 00:12:32,635 --> 00:12:34,586 Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm calling Child Services. 303 00:12:34,588 --> 00:12:36,404 Wait for it. 304 00:12:36,406 --> 00:12:40,141 I'll return your $1,900 alligator-skin belt 305 00:12:40,143 --> 00:12:41,893 when you return that toy. 306 00:12:41,895 --> 00:12:45,180 Until then, you can wear this disgusting 307 00:12:45,182 --> 00:12:46,314 (gasps) 308 00:12:46,316 --> 00:12:49,384 black-and-brown reversible belt. 309 00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:51,736 (sobbing) 310 00:12:51,738 --> 00:12:55,857 (sobbing): Hey, I don't like it any more than you do! 311 00:12:55,859 --> 00:12:58,994 Ted, how would you discipline little Marvin? 312 00:12:58,996 --> 00:13:01,463 I would be firm. 313 00:13:01,465 --> 00:13:04,049 Fair, but firm. 314 00:13:04,051 --> 00:13:07,118 You, sir, just lost your television privileges. 315 00:13:08,254 --> 00:13:11,790 Okay, you can watch TV, but nothing violent. 316 00:13:13,109 --> 00:13:14,259 Okay, it can be violent, 317 00:13:14,261 --> 00:13:16,761 but you have to do the dishes first. 318 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,799 Okay, I'll do the dishes, you watch TV. 319 00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:23,585 Let's go get some ice cream! Come on! 320 00:13:23,587 --> 00:13:25,170 But no sprinkles. 321 00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:27,172 Robin? 322 00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:29,891 Okay, sprinkles. 323 00:13:29,893 --> 00:13:33,478 Um, I would do what my dad did: tough love. 324 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,063 You know where you're headed, chief? 325 00:13:35,065 --> 00:13:38,766 The British Columbia Military School for Boys. 326 00:13:38,768 --> 00:13:41,436 Of course, you're actually a boy, so at least you won't have 327 00:13:41,438 --> 00:13:44,155 to shave off all your hair and burn your "girlie" clothing in 328 00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:46,124 an old oil drum while your father stands there 329 00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:48,626 and laughs at you through the flames! 330 00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:51,846 Oh, my God! 331 00:13:51,848 --> 00:13:53,381 (hits xylophone) 332 00:13:54,683 --> 00:13:56,284 I think that Robin wins this round 333 00:13:56,286 --> 00:14:01,523 because we love her and she's in a safe space, right, guys? 334 00:14:01,525 --> 00:14:02,474 Robin matters! 335 00:14:02,476 --> 00:14:03,441 Yay! Totally. 336 00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:04,792 Now, that's just one point, right? 337 00:14:04,794 --> 00:14:06,394 Lily. 338 00:14:06,396 --> 00:14:08,963 A spin... that... wheel! 339 00:14:11,767 --> 00:14:13,902 ALL: Oh... 340 00:14:13,904 --> 00:14:16,738 "Birds and Bees." 341 00:14:16,740 --> 00:14:18,639 Barney, "How would you teach young Marvin 342 00:14:18,641 --> 00:14:20,725 about the facts of life?" 343 00:14:20,727 --> 00:14:22,610 Hmm... 344 00:14:22,612 --> 00:14:24,812 You're gonna love Amsterdam, little bro. 345 00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:31,820 (sighs) 346 00:14:31,822 --> 00:14:33,321 Okay, Barney's out of this round. 347 00:14:33,323 --> 00:14:36,341 Ted, how would you handle "the talk"? 348 00:14:36,343 --> 00:14:39,327 Well, Marvin would be a young adult, 349 00:14:39,329 --> 00:14:41,546 so you wouldn't want to talk down to him. 350 00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:46,217 But that doesn't mean you can't get down with him. 351 00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:48,970 (high-pitched rapping): ♪ When two adults wish to procreate ♪ 352 00:14:48,972 --> 00:14:51,523 ♪ They lay together and copulate ♪ 353 00:14:51,525 --> 00:14:54,309 ♪ Male gametes, spermatozoa ♪ 354 00:14:54,311 --> 00:14:56,111 ♪ Implant themselves in the ladies' ova! ♪ 355 00:14:56,113 --> 00:14:57,362 ♪ Break it down! ♪ 356 00:14:57,364 --> 00:14:59,063 (beatboxing) 357 00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:00,348 I'm sorry, don't you need 358 00:15:00,350 --> 00:15:03,518 to actually have had sex in order to explain it? 359 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:08,573 Professor Infosaurus also has a rap about ignoring bullies. 360 00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,959 Robin? Birds and bees? 361 00:15:10,961 --> 00:15:13,294 Well, I, for one, don't think 362 00:15:13,296 --> 00:15:14,712 you have to teach Marvin a thing. 363 00:15:14,714 --> 00:15:19,250 If he's anything like his dad, he's a natural-born stud. 364 00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:21,836 Lily got a little braggy 365 00:15:21,838 --> 00:15:24,205 at a cucumber stand once, big guy. (clicks tongue) 366 00:15:24,207 --> 00:15:26,307 Robin wins again! 367 00:15:26,309 --> 00:15:28,760 Oh, come on! That's clearly pandering! 368 00:15:28,762 --> 00:15:29,727 A spin... 369 00:15:29,729 --> 00:15:32,163 that... wheel! 370 00:15:32,165 --> 00:15:34,032 NARRATOR: We played long into the night, 371 00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:35,517 eventually making it to the dreaded... 372 00:15:35,519 --> 00:15:37,652 Lightning round! 373 00:15:41,723 --> 00:15:43,308 First word! 374 00:15:44,026 --> 00:15:46,694 Oh. Ooh... 375 00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:48,079 Actually, that's a joist, 376 00:15:48,081 --> 00:15:50,081 which carries the stress of the ceiling 377 00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:52,534 versus the primary architectural load. 378 00:15:52,536 --> 00:15:53,751 But that's my boy! 379 00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:55,086 (toy squeaking) Ooh. 380 00:15:55,088 --> 00:15:56,955 Nerd! (gasps) 381 00:15:56,957 --> 00:15:58,623 That's my boy! 382 00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,508 MARSHALL: First heartbreak! 383 00:16:00,510 --> 00:16:02,927 I know this hurts, little buddy, 384 00:16:02,929 --> 00:16:04,379 but you'll love again someday, 385 00:16:04,381 --> 00:16:07,015 because time will heal a broken heart. 386 00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:10,051 But not that bitch's window. 387 00:16:10,053 --> 00:16:11,853 (window breaks) Run! 388 00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,473 TED: Yeah, right. 389 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:16,641 I've seen Barney throw. 390 00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:19,677 He's no Vinnie Pestano, am I right? 391 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:23,431 Beloved Indians' middle reliever. 392 00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:26,234 Cleveland sports are still relevant. 393 00:16:26,236 --> 00:16:29,204 LeBron who? Right, guys? 394 00:16:29,206 --> 00:16:30,822 Ted, neither you nor Cleveland 395 00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:33,274 knows how to get over someone leaving them. 396 00:16:34,276 --> 00:16:35,943 Here's how you'd handle heartbreak. 397 00:16:35,945 --> 00:16:37,445 (high-pitched voice): Cheer up, squirt. 398 00:16:37,447 --> 00:16:40,331 There are plenty of other wonderful women out there. 399 00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:44,502 (sobbing): But I thought that she was the one. 400 00:16:46,955 --> 00:16:48,973 I'll be at Uncle Barney's. 401 00:16:49,791 --> 00:16:51,659 This is ridiculous. 402 00:16:51,661 --> 00:16:53,461 I've known you for 16 years. 403 00:16:53,463 --> 00:16:54,812 I'm the obvious choice. 404 00:16:54,814 --> 00:16:56,297 Oh, come on, if Ted raises him, 405 00:16:56,299 --> 00:16:58,650 the poor kid's still gonna be a virgin when he's 13. 406 00:16:58,652 --> 00:17:01,469 I'm the obvious choice. Hey, look, as the only one of us 407 00:17:01,471 --> 00:17:03,771 packing a vag, I got a natural instinct 408 00:17:03,773 --> 00:17:05,406 for nurturing and crap like that. 409 00:17:05,408 --> 00:17:07,492 Plus, I can teach him how to bow hunt. 410 00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:09,911 Yeah, I could do that. I am Barney Stinson! 411 00:17:09,913 --> 00:17:12,146 (all arguing) 412 00:17:12,665 --> 00:17:13,831 Guys, guys, guys! 413 00:17:13,833 --> 00:17:15,483 Okay! All right! 414 00:17:15,485 --> 00:17:18,319 Obviously, none of you knows what it really means 415 00:17:18,321 --> 00:17:19,671 to be a parent. 416 00:17:19,673 --> 00:17:21,923 (scoffs): Well... obviously, neither of you 417 00:17:21,925 --> 00:17:24,659 know what it means to be a friend anymore. 418 00:17:24,661 --> 00:17:26,978 What are you talking about? 419 00:17:26,980 --> 00:17:28,212 Think about it. 420 00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:30,131 This is the most we've seen you two 421 00:17:30,133 --> 00:17:31,799 in five months. 422 00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:33,051 ROBIN: You don't seem to care 423 00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:34,519 what's going on in our lives 424 00:17:34,521 --> 00:17:36,521 unless it's an eight or higher. 425 00:17:36,523 --> 00:17:38,172 Well, what do you expect? 426 00:17:38,174 --> 00:17:40,007 We have a baby now. Yeah. 427 00:17:40,009 --> 00:17:42,894 The days of closing down MacLaren's are over. 428 00:17:42,896 --> 00:17:43,928 Unless you want 429 00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:46,030 to get up with us at 5:13 in the morning 430 00:17:46,032 --> 00:17:47,398 with a screaming baby. 431 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:48,483 So that's it? 432 00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:51,519 The... the end of an era, just like that? 433 00:17:51,521 --> 00:17:54,872 Look... we're sorry if-if we don't have time 434 00:17:54,874 --> 00:17:58,793 to sit around the bar listening to silly little dating problems. 435 00:17:58,795 --> 00:18:00,612 When you have 436 00:18:00,614 --> 00:18:04,632 a baby, it's not just the most important thing in your life, 437 00:18:04,634 --> 00:18:06,033 it's the only important thing. 438 00:18:06,035 --> 00:18:08,119 When are you guys gonna get that? 439 00:18:08,121 --> 00:18:09,971 Think we get it. 440 00:18:09,973 --> 00:18:12,223 ♪ ♪ 441 00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:17,929 (door closes) 442 00:18:21,738 --> 00:18:23,522 I can't believe they just walked out. 443 00:18:24,024 --> 00:18:26,241 Yeah. Maybe it's for the best. 444 00:18:26,243 --> 00:18:28,643 Barney was starting to pull ahead. 445 00:18:28,645 --> 00:18:30,195 I mean, how selfish can they be? 446 00:18:30,197 --> 00:18:32,531 We're trying to raise a child here. 447 00:18:32,533 --> 00:18:35,484 I'm sorry if I don't have time to deal with Ted's... 448 00:18:35,486 --> 00:18:38,754 um.... o-or Robin's... 449 00:18:38,756 --> 00:18:40,255 um... 450 00:18:40,257 --> 00:18:42,458 or-or Barney's... 451 00:18:42,460 --> 00:18:44,109 mm... 452 00:18:44,111 --> 00:18:46,128 Huh. 453 00:18:48,348 --> 00:18:52,434 You know, we were about to name one of them Marvin's godparent, 454 00:18:52,436 --> 00:18:54,603 and... I can't tell you 455 00:18:54,605 --> 00:18:57,139 what's going on in any of their lives. 456 00:18:58,258 --> 00:18:59,842 (exhales) 457 00:19:01,694 --> 00:19:03,829 Do you think that maybe 458 00:19:03,831 --> 00:19:07,116 we've been a little crappy as friends lately? 459 00:19:12,605 --> 00:19:14,339 Do you really know how to bow hunt? 460 00:19:14,341 --> 00:19:15,541 Um, yeah. 461 00:19:15,543 --> 00:19:18,210 At the British Columbia Military School for Boys 462 00:19:18,212 --> 00:19:20,245 we called it "making lunch." 463 00:19:20,247 --> 00:19:21,530 LILY: Hey, guys. 464 00:19:21,532 --> 00:19:23,499 We asked Mickey to watch Marvin 465 00:19:23,501 --> 00:19:25,867 so we could come down and talk. 466 00:19:25,869 --> 00:19:28,487 I know that we didn't get to finish the game, but... 467 00:19:28,489 --> 00:19:31,140 we've reached a decision. 468 00:19:31,142 --> 00:19:32,707 MARSHALL: Lily? 469 00:19:33,643 --> 00:19:35,710 We've decided... 470 00:19:37,447 --> 00:19:40,098 ...to revoke the "eight or higher" rule. 471 00:19:40,100 --> 00:19:41,150 TED/ROBIN/BARNEY: What? 472 00:19:41,152 --> 00:19:42,768 We want to know everything 473 00:19:42,770 --> 00:19:44,603 that's going on with you guys. 474 00:19:44,605 --> 00:19:46,038 Really? 475 00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:47,072 You're our best friends. 476 00:19:47,074 --> 00:19:49,475 Everything is an eight or higher. 477 00:19:50,677 --> 00:19:53,779 NARRATOR: And for the first time in almost half a year, 478 00:19:53,781 --> 00:19:56,698 Lily and Marshall closed down MacLaren's. 479 00:19:56,700 --> 00:19:58,066 Anyway, 480 00:19:58,068 --> 00:20:00,419 Victoria's dad and I are working out a payment plan 481 00:20:00,421 --> 00:20:02,237 with a very reasonable interest rate. 482 00:20:02,239 --> 00:20:03,705 ♪ ♪ 483 00:20:03,707 --> 00:20:05,374 At least, Nick's cycle 484 00:20:05,376 --> 00:20:06,875 is fuel-efficient-- we're getting, like, 485 00:20:06,877 --> 00:20:08,777 30, 35 miles to the cob. 486 00:20:08,779 --> 00:20:10,045 Really? Yeah. 487 00:20:10,047 --> 00:20:11,079 You know, I should've 488 00:20:11,081 --> 00:20:12,931 told you about that six and a half sooner. 489 00:20:12,933 --> 00:20:15,434 Barney Stinson banging anything less than an eight? 490 00:20:15,436 --> 00:20:17,553 That's like a 15. 491 00:20:17,555 --> 00:20:19,754 And it was a great night. 492 00:20:19,756 --> 00:20:21,490 Until... 493 00:20:21,492 --> 00:20:24,309 (Marvin bawling in other room) 494 00:20:27,647 --> 00:20:29,314 (sighs): Go back to bed. 495 00:20:29,316 --> 00:20:30,516 We got this. 496 00:20:30,518 --> 00:20:33,852 ♪ ♪ 497 00:20:33,854 --> 00:20:36,572 (Marvin continues bawling) 498 00:20:37,740 --> 00:20:39,758 And Lily and Marshall finally decided 499 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:40,876 on a guardian. 500 00:20:40,878 --> 00:20:43,262 Are you sure about this, baby? Yes. 501 00:20:43,264 --> 00:20:46,665 No matter what happens, I want Marvin to stay in the family. 502 00:20:46,667 --> 00:20:50,667 == sync, corrected by elderman == 503 00:20:58,795 --> 00:21:00,512 Oh... 504 00:21:02,009 --> 00:21:03,910 Is that a bowling ball in a onesie? 505 00:21:03,912 --> 00:21:06,179 Run!