1
00:00:02,500 --> 00:00:06,169
Kids, in late 2012, I received
a very important text message.
2
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:14,617
Uncle Barney and Aunt Robin
were engaged,
3
00:00:14,618 --> 00:00:16,935
marking a truly happy time
for our little group.
4
00:00:18,358 --> 00:00:20,725
The problem was
5
00:00:20,727 --> 00:00:24,312
one of us was
definitely not happy.
6
00:00:25,766 --> 00:00:28,016
Marvin will not
stop crying.
7
00:00:28,018 --> 00:00:29,017
What do you guys think it is?
8
00:00:29,019 --> 00:00:30,384
Is he hungry?
9
00:00:30,386 --> 00:00:32,821
Well, that must be it.
10
00:00:32,823 --> 00:00:33,855
Huh!
11
00:00:33,857 --> 00:00:36,107
Thank you for thinking
of that, Ted.
12
00:00:36,109 --> 00:00:37,992
And here we were
just watering him
13
00:00:37,994 --> 00:00:39,944
and facing him
towards the sunlight.
14
00:00:40,763 --> 00:00:43,448
Sorry, I haven't slept in...
15
00:00:43,450 --> 00:00:44,616
January.
16
00:00:44,618 --> 00:00:45,800
Food going in
17
00:00:45,802 --> 00:00:47,068
isn't the problem,
18
00:00:47,070 --> 00:00:49,454
it's what's coming out,
or not coming out.
19
00:00:49,456 --> 00:00:51,572
He hasn't pooped
in three days.
20
00:00:51,574 --> 00:00:52,624
Yeah, normally
21
00:00:52,626 --> 00:00:54,442
I wouldn't wish one
of his dirty diapers
22
00:00:54,444 --> 00:00:57,762
on my worst enemy,
but now I kind of miss
23
00:00:57,764 --> 00:00:59,681
popping the hood
in the morning
24
00:00:59,683 --> 00:01:02,016
and finding that first
big juicy, black...
25
00:01:02,018 --> 00:01:04,819
Lily, I'm eating chili.
26
00:01:04,821 --> 00:01:06,754
I'm eating chili, Lily.
27
00:01:06,756 --> 00:01:08,690
Confetti.
28
00:01:08,692 --> 00:01:10,225
Big blast of confetti.
29
00:01:10,227 --> 00:01:12,694
Normally, the kid's
a confetti machine.
30
00:01:12,696 --> 00:01:14,362
He's Rip Taylor
in a diaper.
31
00:01:14,364 --> 00:01:15,580
I have a feeling
32
00:01:15,582 --> 00:01:16,815
at this point, Rip Taylor
33
00:01:16,817 --> 00:01:18,316
is Rip Taylor in a diaper.
34
00:01:18,318 --> 00:01:20,228
And with that image,
dinner is done.
35
00:01:20,229 --> 00:01:21,052
Hey, guys.
36
00:01:21,077 --> 00:01:22,286
Hey.
Well, well, well.
37
00:01:22,773 --> 00:01:24,122
Here comes the bride.
38
00:01:24,124 --> 00:01:26,608
Now the annoying part, right?
39
00:01:26,610 --> 00:01:28,126
Planning the wedding?
40
00:01:28,128 --> 00:01:30,212
So not fun, right?
41
00:01:30,214 --> 00:01:31,580
I don't know-- I'm kind of
looking forward to it.
42
00:01:31,582 --> 00:01:33,281
Fine, I'll do it for you.
43
00:01:33,283 --> 00:01:35,617
First thing we need
to do is set a date.
44
00:01:35,619 --> 00:01:37,135
May 25, 2013.
45
00:01:37,137 --> 00:01:38,136
Thank you, Ted.
46
00:01:38,138 --> 00:01:39,454
The ladies are talking.
47
00:01:39,456 --> 00:01:40,889
Actually, that is the date.
48
00:01:40,891 --> 00:01:44,259
Ted offered to help
with the planning a little.
49
00:01:44,261 --> 00:01:46,595
And, well, uh...
50
00:01:46,597 --> 00:01:47,846
That's a big binder.
51
00:01:47,848 --> 00:01:48,997
Oh, this?
52
00:01:48,999 --> 00:01:50,766
This is just cakes.
53
00:01:51,734 --> 00:01:52,984
Anyway, we're having
the ceremony
54
00:01:52,986 --> 00:01:55,070
at that beautiful little
church out on Long Island,
55
00:01:55,072 --> 00:01:57,339
where Victoria almost got
married-- lovely spot.
56
00:01:57,341 --> 00:01:59,941
And then we're gonna have a
reception in a big white tent
57
00:01:59,943 --> 00:02:01,610
on the front lawn
of the hotel.
58
00:02:01,612 --> 00:02:04,196
Oh, and, uh, the
colors are cream
59
00:02:04,198 --> 00:02:05,881
and lilac.
60
00:02:07,250 --> 00:02:09,284
I will cut you, bitch.
61
00:02:09,286 --> 00:02:10,535
No, L-L-Lily...
62
00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:14,560
♪ How I Met Your Mother 8x13 ♪
Band or DJ
Original Air Date on January 14, 2013
63
00:02:14,585 --> 00:02:19,585
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
64
00:02:23,216 --> 00:02:25,884
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
65
00:02:25,886 --> 00:02:27,719
I'm cool, I'm cool.
66
00:02:27,721 --> 00:02:28,720
Hey, Robin, where's Barney?
67
00:02:28,722 --> 00:02:31,940
Did he skip town already?
68
00:02:31,942 --> 00:02:33,358
If so, exactly
what time was it?
69
00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:35,944
It's important
for the over/under.
70
00:02:35,946 --> 00:02:39,731
Barney's fine, it's just...
well, earlier this morning...
71
00:02:39,733 --> 00:02:42,968
So, it's been three days
since I said yes.
72
00:02:42,970 --> 00:02:43,985
True.
73
00:02:43,987 --> 00:02:45,153
And your panic
attacks are getting
74
00:02:45,155 --> 00:02:46,488
shorter and further apart.
75
00:02:46,490 --> 00:02:50,492
I can't do this!
I feel like I'm drowning!
76
00:02:50,494 --> 00:02:52,461
Also true.
77
00:02:52,463 --> 00:02:54,195
So I guess we're
officially engaged.
78
00:02:54,197 --> 00:02:55,997
Maybe we should
tell our parents.
79
00:02:55,999 --> 00:02:57,916
I assume my dad already knows--
you did call him
80
00:02:57,918 --> 00:02:58,884
and got his permission, right?
81
00:02:58,886 --> 00:03:00,836
Yeah, yeah, Robin.
82
00:03:00,838 --> 00:03:03,972
I bought you with an ox
and some spices from the East.
83
00:03:03,974 --> 00:03:06,040
Uh, he's gonna put
you in a cage.
84
00:03:06,042 --> 00:03:09,728
and send you on horseback
to my remote desert camp.
85
00:03:09,730 --> 00:03:11,680
Okay, Barney...
Hold on, I'm not done.
86
00:03:11,682 --> 00:03:14,516
Where you'll be bathed
in perfumes and oils
87
00:03:14,518 --> 00:03:16,084
and delivered to my tent.
88
00:03:16,086 --> 00:03:17,652
After you perform
the traditional
89
00:03:17,654 --> 00:03:19,888
Dance of the Seven Veils,
we'll adjourn
90
00:03:19,890 --> 00:03:21,656
to the tiger skin
rug where we'll...
91
00:03:21,658 --> 00:03:23,325
Barney...
Robin!
92
00:03:23,327 --> 00:03:25,444
If we're gonna build
a marriage together,
93
00:03:25,446 --> 00:03:28,497
we have got to stop interrupting
each other all the time.
94
00:03:28,499 --> 00:03:30,132
Fine, finish your story.
95
00:03:30,134 --> 00:03:31,116
Thank you.
96
00:03:32,252 --> 00:03:36,288
Where we'll do it.
97
00:03:36,290 --> 00:03:37,372
Did you ask
for my father's permission?
98
00:03:37,374 --> 00:03:38,623
No, I did not.
99
00:03:38,625 --> 00:03:41,927
So, as some of you know,
my dad is a little scary.
100
00:03:41,929 --> 00:03:45,931
A little? Dude's a
stone cold Slytherin.
101
00:03:45,933 --> 00:03:47,632
He always looks like he
just came from slapping
102
00:03:47,634 --> 00:03:50,268
some guy tied to a
chair in a back room.
103
00:03:50,270 --> 00:03:52,103
Anyway, we go get lunch...
104
00:03:52,105 --> 00:03:54,055
Look, I know I already
told you this,
105
00:03:54,057 --> 00:03:56,925
but my dad is a scary guy.
106
00:03:56,927 --> 00:03:59,761
Please, I think
I can handle...
107
00:04:00,980 --> 00:04:03,031
Oh, vampire in the daylight,
vampire in the daylight!
108
00:04:03,033 --> 00:04:04,483
Oh, my God.
109
00:04:06,386 --> 00:04:07,786
Hello, Robin.
110
00:04:07,788 --> 00:04:09,771
Hello, sir.
111
00:04:09,773 --> 00:04:11,122
Put that thing away,
112
00:04:11,124 --> 00:04:12,741
Give your old man a hug.
113
00:04:15,444 --> 00:04:18,196
And then it got
really scary.
114
00:04:18,198 --> 00:04:19,714
I'm glad you could
meet me here
115
00:04:19,716 --> 00:04:21,883
at my favorite
restaurant.
116
00:04:21,885 --> 00:04:24,336
Carol and I come
here all the time.
117
00:04:24,338 --> 00:04:26,588
I... you...
118
00:04:26,590 --> 00:04:28,890
When... Da...
who's Carol?
119
00:04:28,892 --> 00:04:30,575
Oh, right,
you haven't met Carol, um...
120
00:04:31,845 --> 00:04:33,128
Very special woman.
121
00:04:33,130 --> 00:04:36,047
48 years old, dental
hygienist, no kids.
122
00:04:36,049 --> 00:04:37,899
Likes Zumba.
123
00:04:38,868 --> 00:04:40,685
She's the reason I moved
to New York City.
124
00:04:40,687 --> 00:04:43,238
Eight months ago.
Thanks for the call, by the way.
125
00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:45,306
Well, I figured you knew.
126
00:04:45,308 --> 00:04:46,875
It's on my Facebook page.
127
00:04:46,877 --> 00:04:49,578
You really should respond
to my friend request.
128
00:04:49,580 --> 00:04:52,280
I post a lot of great stuff.
129
00:04:52,282 --> 00:04:53,698
Are you familiar with memes?
130
00:04:53,700 --> 00:04:56,084
There's a cat who says,
131
00:04:56,086 --> 00:04:57,953
"I can has cheeseburger""
132
00:04:57,955 --> 00:05:00,255
Okay, what the hell
happened to you?
133
00:05:00,257 --> 00:05:04,826
Robin, I know in the past,
I have been...
134
00:05:04,828 --> 00:05:06,711
emotionally distant.
135
00:05:06,713 --> 00:05:07,796
But Carol has
136
00:05:07,798 --> 00:05:10,765
brought out a whole
new side of me.
137
00:05:10,767 --> 00:05:13,134
I have a new outlook
on life
138
00:05:13,136 --> 00:05:16,388
a devil-may-care insouciance
that embodies the credo,
139
00:05:16,390 --> 00:05:19,441
"No shirt, no shoes,
no problem."
140
00:05:19,443 --> 00:05:21,560
Robin...
141
00:05:21,562 --> 00:05:22,861
I'm fun now.
142
00:05:22,863 --> 00:05:24,512
Oh, God.
143
00:05:24,514 --> 00:05:26,865
He's fun now?
That does not sound fun.
144
00:05:26,867 --> 00:05:29,284
No child should have to see
a parent go through that.
145
00:05:29,286 --> 00:05:31,319
Well, it probably took
some of the pressure
146
00:05:31,321 --> 00:05:32,854
off the Barney of it all.
147
00:05:33,656 --> 00:05:35,123
Sir, hi.
148
00:05:35,125 --> 00:05:37,292
My name
is Barney Stinson.
149
00:05:37,294 --> 00:05:39,878
This is Barney?
150
00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:42,213
This man is blond.
151
00:05:42,215 --> 00:05:43,848
Grown men are not blond.
152
00:05:43,850 --> 00:05:44,950
Dad.
153
00:05:44,952 --> 00:05:46,468
Pleased to meet you.
154
00:05:46,470 --> 00:05:49,187
That's a very...
155
00:05:49,189 --> 00:05:51,423
fun hair color.
156
00:05:51,425 --> 00:05:53,058
That's nothing-- when he met me,
his first words were,
157
00:05:53,060 --> 00:05:54,392
"Nice blouse""
You were wearing a blouse.
158
00:05:54,394 --> 00:05:55,810
It was not a blouse!
159
00:05:55,812 --> 00:05:57,062
Oh, great.
You're all here.
160
00:05:57,064 --> 00:05:58,546
Let's talk
about our wedding band.
161
00:05:58,548 --> 00:06:00,632
How much do you guys think
they should rock?
162
00:06:00,634 --> 00:06:01,933
'Cause I vote, a million.
163
00:06:01,935 --> 00:06:05,754
Yeah, yeah, I think we
already settled on a DJ, so...
164
00:06:05,756 --> 00:06:06,855
Lily,
165
00:06:06,857 --> 00:06:07,822
do you remember
the band you guys
166
00:06:07,824 --> 00:06:08,907
almost hired
for your wedding?
167
00:06:08,909 --> 00:06:10,275
Remember them?
168
00:06:10,277 --> 00:06:12,527
I'll call them up
and book them for you.
169
00:06:12,529 --> 00:06:13,612
Just say the word.
170
00:06:13,614 --> 00:06:16,031
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I feel
like we keep coming back
171
00:06:16,033 --> 00:06:18,066
to this DJ thing.
172
00:06:18,068 --> 00:06:19,000
What do you think, baby?
173
00:06:19,002 --> 00:06:20,201
Yeah, I don't think
174
00:06:20,203 --> 00:06:21,786
anyone should book anything
right now.
175
00:06:21,788 --> 00:06:23,705
Why not?
176
00:06:23,707 --> 00:06:26,641
Well, I am going to go the room
marked "Spaghettis,"
177
00:06:26,643 --> 00:06:28,409
which I'm hoping
is the ladies room.
178
00:06:28,411 --> 00:06:30,462
"Meatballs" has
to be men's, right?
179
00:06:30,464 --> 00:06:31,646
I don't know
what the hell
180
00:06:31,648 --> 00:06:33,264
"Calamaris" is.
181
00:06:38,838 --> 00:06:40,472
Um...
182
00:06:41,557 --> 00:06:42,524
Sir, I-I-I...
183
00:06:42,526 --> 00:06:44,092
Permission denied.
184
00:06:44,094 --> 00:06:45,143
Ooh.
185
00:06:45,145 --> 00:06:47,612
And it turns out,
"spaghettis" are men.
186
00:06:47,614 --> 00:06:50,532
I saw a noodle.
187
00:06:54,620 --> 00:06:55,779
He said no?
188
00:06:55,780 --> 00:06:56,955
Yeah, I don't know
what we're gonna do.
189
00:06:56,973 --> 00:06:59,023
Relax, baby.
I got this.
190
00:06:59,025 --> 00:07:00,691
I know how to be persuasive.
191
00:07:00,693 --> 00:07:02,910
The next day,
Uncle Barney met Robin's dad
192
00:07:02,912 --> 00:07:04,528
for lunch
at the same restaurant.
193
00:07:04,530 --> 00:07:06,497
This time, with a plan.
194
00:07:06,499 --> 00:07:08,299
Hello,
Mr. Scherbatsky.
195
00:07:08,301 --> 00:07:11,335
I think we got off
on the wrong foot.
196
00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:14,305
You have my attention.
197
00:07:14,307 --> 00:07:15,673
I left the meatball at home
198
00:07:15,675 --> 00:07:17,792
so I could talk to you
spaghetti to spaghetti.
199
00:07:17,794 --> 00:07:19,110
Sir...
200
00:07:19,112 --> 00:07:21,662
I'm very serious
about marrying your daughter.
201
00:07:21,664 --> 00:07:26,750
Barney, when I wanted
to marry Robin's mother,
202
00:07:26,752 --> 00:07:29,270
I slaughtered
a whole family of bears
203
00:07:29,272 --> 00:07:30,721
with my bare hands.
204
00:07:30,723 --> 00:07:31,922
I gave
205
00:07:31,924 --> 00:07:34,775
the pelts and the bear meat
206
00:07:34,777 --> 00:07:37,278
to her father as tribute.
207
00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:40,481
You know what we call that
in Canada?
208
00:07:40,483 --> 00:07:41,765
Manners.
209
00:07:41,767 --> 00:07:42,766
Would either
210
00:07:42,768 --> 00:07:44,068
of you like a mudslide?
211
00:07:44,070 --> 00:07:45,536
I just had one.
Thank you.
212
00:07:45,538 --> 00:07:46,704
I'll have
213
00:07:46,706 --> 00:07:50,458
a Jazzy Pizzazzy
Razzleberry Rainbow Milkshake
214
00:07:50,460 --> 00:07:52,493
with a swirly straw?
215
00:07:52,495 --> 00:07:54,862
You didn't say the magic word.
216
00:07:55,881 --> 00:07:58,249
I'll go get your drink.
217
00:07:59,535 --> 00:08:00,584
Still crying, huh?
218
00:08:00,586 --> 00:08:02,553
Yeah. We've tried
everything short
219
00:08:02,555 --> 00:08:05,222
of a pack of smokes
and a cup of coffee.
220
00:08:05,224 --> 00:08:07,174
Still nothing but clean dipeys.
221
00:08:07,176 --> 00:08:09,010
There's only one
explanation for this.
222
00:08:09,012 --> 00:08:09,960
Marvin
223
00:08:09,962 --> 00:08:11,262
has potty-trained himself.
224
00:08:11,264 --> 00:08:13,230
He sneaks into the bathroom
while we're sleeping.
225
00:08:13,232 --> 00:08:14,849
I'll ask Barney
to check the tapes.
226
00:08:14,851 --> 00:08:17,101
Barney has cameras
in our bathroom?!
227
00:08:17,103 --> 00:08:19,403
Well, I mean, don't you think?
228
00:08:19,405 --> 00:08:21,689
Hey, guys.
Robin, good.
229
00:08:21,691 --> 00:08:23,491
You're here. Bad news.
230
00:08:23,493 --> 00:08:26,527
That wedding band you wanted
is booked for May 25.
231
00:08:26,529 --> 00:08:29,113
Oh, no. What are you gonna do?
232
00:08:29,115 --> 00:08:31,699
Oh! Oh, hey! Here's an idea.
233
00:08:31,701 --> 00:08:34,035
Oh, God, Ted,
if you suggest a DJ...
234
00:08:34,037 --> 00:08:35,202
Far from it.
235
00:08:35,204 --> 00:08:36,871
I was going to suggest a band.
236
00:08:36,873 --> 00:08:39,490
A band called...
Kool and the Gang.
237
00:08:39,492 --> 00:08:40,925
Robin,
238
00:08:40,927 --> 00:08:42,626
would you like for me
239
00:08:42,628 --> 00:08:45,046
to get Kool and the Gang
to play at your wedding?
240
00:08:45,048 --> 00:08:47,431
Uh... I... yeah, guess so.
241
00:08:47,433 --> 00:08:49,383
And would it be okay
if they invited their friends,
242
00:08:49,385 --> 00:08:51,686
Beyonce and-and ABBA,
243
00:08:51,688 --> 00:08:52,836
and the Bee Gees,
244
00:08:52,838 --> 00:08:54,338
and Journey,
245
00:08:54,340 --> 00:08:55,356
and Queen?
246
00:08:55,358 --> 00:08:56,607
What? You're...?
What are you say...?
247
00:08:56,609 --> 00:08:57,975
How... how is that
even possible?
248
00:08:57,977 --> 00:08:59,276
I'll tell you how.
249
00:08:59,278 --> 00:09:00,778
You hire a DJ.
250
00:09:00,780 --> 00:09:02,446
Wicka-wicka-wicka-burn.
251
00:09:02,448 --> 00:09:03,847
Ugh!
God, this is, like,
252
00:09:03,849 --> 00:09:06,450
the fifteenth time my dad
has sent me a friend request.
253
00:09:06,452 --> 00:09:08,069
I'm just gonna hit "accept."
254
00:09:08,071 --> 00:09:09,620
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, don't do it, Robin.
255
00:09:09,622 --> 00:09:12,573
You don't want to see
what's behind that door.
256
00:09:12,575 --> 00:09:13,741
What are you talking about?
257
00:09:13,743 --> 00:09:15,126
He's talking about
258
00:09:15,128 --> 00:09:19,029
my mom's 2,000-word review
of Fifty Shades of Grey.
259
00:09:19,031 --> 00:09:22,299
And 14 of those words
were "vulva."
260
00:09:22,301 --> 00:09:25,469
You're gonna get endless
requests to play some game
261
00:09:25,471 --> 00:09:28,205
that has something to do
with gangsters and farming.
262
00:09:28,207 --> 00:09:30,257
Never mind the embarrassing
cheerleading photos
263
00:09:30,259 --> 00:09:31,592
from high school.
264
00:09:31,594 --> 00:09:34,095
- Begged my mom to burn those.
- Robin,
265
00:09:34,097 --> 00:09:38,182
trust me, no good can come from
accepting that friend request.
266
00:09:38,184 --> 00:09:42,386
Yeah, I-I think I may have given
you guys the wrong impression.
267
00:09:42,388 --> 00:09:43,354
Okay, my dad
268
00:09:43,356 --> 00:09:44,939
is actually not
that bad of a guy.
269
00:09:44,941 --> 00:09:47,658
Do it, Barney.
Squeeze that trigger.
270
00:09:47,660 --> 00:09:49,243
I don't want to do this.
271
00:09:49,245 --> 00:09:51,362
Well, you think I wanted
to kill that bear?
272
00:09:51,364 --> 00:09:53,247
Yeah, kind of.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
273
00:09:54,900 --> 00:09:57,284
I can't do this.
274
00:09:58,571 --> 00:10:00,004
Oh.
275
00:10:00,006 --> 00:10:03,340
What... what the hell is this?!
276
00:10:03,342 --> 00:10:04,508
Your dad is crazy!
277
00:10:04,510 --> 00:10:07,511
He wanted me
to kill Fluffernutter!
278
00:10:07,513 --> 00:10:09,180
I told you not
to give him a name!
279
00:10:09,182 --> 00:10:10,514
Well, I did!
280
00:10:10,516 --> 00:10:12,433
I gave him a name
and a backstory!
281
00:10:12,435 --> 00:10:14,101
He comes from a magical
rabbit warren
282
00:10:14,103 --> 00:10:15,386
underneath the old
rusty tractor.
283
00:10:15,388 --> 00:10:17,772
He was the runt of the litter,
but he persevered.
284
00:10:17,774 --> 00:10:20,558
He...
Oh, give me this. Give it to me!
285
00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:22,259
Dad,
286
00:10:22,261 --> 00:10:24,562
is there, um,
something you want to tell me?
287
00:10:25,898 --> 00:10:28,532
Well, in the early '80s,
I did some wet work for the CIA.
288
00:10:28,534 --> 00:10:30,434
Yes, Daddy,
I remember the bedtime stories.
289
00:10:30,436 --> 00:10:32,987
No, I'm, uh, talking
about your Facebook page?
290
00:10:32,989 --> 00:10:34,955
It says you're married.
291
00:10:34,957 --> 00:10:36,874
Well...
292
00:10:36,876 --> 00:10:39,910
yes, uh, Carol and I were
in Key Largo
293
00:10:39,912 --> 00:10:42,746
at a performance of the
recording artist James Buffett.
294
00:10:42,748 --> 00:10:45,449
We're what are known
as Parrotheads.
295
00:10:45,451 --> 00:10:46,350
And, uh,
296
00:10:46,352 --> 00:10:48,452
well, one thing led
297
00:10:48,454 --> 00:10:51,672
to the other, and, uh...
298
00:10:51,674 --> 00:10:53,057
we got married.
299
00:10:53,059 --> 00:10:55,226
You didn't want
to tell me about it?
300
00:10:55,228 --> 00:10:58,179
I Facebooked it...
on Facebook.
301
00:10:58,181 --> 00:10:59,814
Okay, you know what, Dad?
302
00:10:59,816 --> 00:11:02,733
Since you obviously have
no interest in involving me
303
00:11:02,735 --> 00:11:05,186
in your personal life,
I may as well tell you:
304
00:11:05,188 --> 00:11:07,638
Barney and I are
already engaged.
305
00:11:08,690 --> 00:11:10,807
That's right.
306
00:11:10,809 --> 00:11:13,194
I'm behind you
on this, Robin.
307
00:11:13,196 --> 00:11:15,812
Directly behind you.
308
00:11:15,814 --> 00:11:17,114
Anyway, this is happening.
309
00:11:17,116 --> 00:11:19,283
And since I wasn't invited
to your wedding,
310
00:11:19,285 --> 00:11:20,951
you're not invited to mine.
311
00:11:21,903 --> 00:11:22,803
Good-bye.
312
00:11:28,993 --> 00:11:30,878
Oh, no!
313
00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:33,797
Fluffernutter peed
all over my pants!
314
00:11:40,994 --> 00:11:42,494
So, I just called up
315
00:11:42,496 --> 00:11:44,946
that wedding band's road manager
to get the number
316
00:11:44,948 --> 00:11:47,149
of the people who booked them
for the 25th,
317
00:11:47,151 --> 00:11:48,952
so I could bribe them into
giving up the band.
318
00:11:49,309 --> 00:11:51,843
You did what?!
That is so dishonest!
319
00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:54,362
No matter what happens next,
I think we can all agree,
320
00:11:54,364 --> 00:11:56,030
you're in the wrong here,
Lily.
321
00:11:56,032 --> 00:11:57,532
It's your number, Ted.
322
00:11:57,534 --> 00:11:58,850
All right, you got me!
323
00:11:58,852 --> 00:12:01,469
I put a non-refundable
deposit on that band
324
00:12:01,471 --> 00:12:03,822
to keep Barney and Robin
from booking them.
325
00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:06,357
And I would've
gotten away with it
326
00:12:06,359 --> 00:12:08,693
if it wasn't a really stupid
and expensive plan.
327
00:12:08,695 --> 00:12:10,628
Dude, why would you do that?
328
00:12:10,630 --> 00:12:12,547
I don't see
what the big deal is.
329
00:12:12,549 --> 00:12:14,249
The big deal is
Robin deserves better
330
00:12:14,251 --> 00:12:16,217
than some crappy,
unreliable band!
331
00:12:16,219 --> 00:12:17,886
Sure, bands seem cool
332
00:12:17,888 --> 00:12:20,538
with their nice suits and
their well-rehearsed moves,
333
00:12:20,540 --> 00:12:23,675
but let's be honest:
bands let you down.
334
00:12:23,677 --> 00:12:25,677
They-They cheat, they deceive,
and God knows they've slept
335
00:12:25,679 --> 00:12:27,228
with every girl
in New York City.
336
00:12:27,230 --> 00:12:29,147
I just, I can't believe
337
00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:30,598
Robin is going through
with marrying...
338
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:33,518
the idea of getting a band.
339
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:36,488
And that is, that's a perfectly
normal way to phrase that.
340
00:12:36,490 --> 00:12:39,390
Okay, Ted, bar. Now.
341
00:12:39,392 --> 00:12:41,442
Nice try.
342
00:12:41,444 --> 00:12:43,111
You're gonna stick
me with that baby
343
00:12:43,113 --> 00:12:45,196
so that you guys
can spend five minutes
344
00:12:45,198 --> 00:12:46,531
sorting out
his love life,
345
00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:48,700
followed by an hour
of you getting drunk
346
00:12:48,702 --> 00:12:50,835
and pretending to be
in The Departed.
347
00:12:50,837 --> 00:12:53,254
You know what?
I'm sorry, Lily, okay?
348
00:12:53,256 --> 00:12:54,539
But I just need to know:
349
00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:56,624
Are you a cop?
I'm not a cop!
350
00:12:56,626 --> 00:12:58,643
Are you a cop?
I'm not a cop!
351
00:12:58,645 --> 00:13:00,295
Uh-uh.
352
00:13:00,297 --> 00:13:01,880
I got this.
353
00:13:01,882 --> 00:13:03,247
Ted, you, me, upstairs.
354
00:13:03,249 --> 00:13:04,182
Roof. Now.
355
00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:05,750
What? It's January.
Move!
356
00:13:07,270 --> 00:13:08,603
Let's cut the crap.
357
00:13:08,605 --> 00:13:09,604
We're both freezing--
358
00:13:09,606 --> 00:13:11,255
just say it
and we can go downstairs.
359
00:13:11,257 --> 00:13:12,256
Say what?
360
00:13:12,258 --> 00:13:13,358
Say how much you hate
361
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:15,476
that Robin and Barney
are getting married.
362
00:13:15,478 --> 00:13:17,478
What? No. I...
363
00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:18,596
I'm happy for them.
364
00:13:18,598 --> 00:13:21,950
I-I encouraged Robin
to go after Barney.
365
00:13:21,952 --> 00:13:24,602
I know-- because you thought
you were okay letting her go.
366
00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:26,120
But now that
she's really gone,
367
00:13:26,122 --> 00:13:27,605
it hurts.
368
00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:30,074
Kids, at that point in my life,
369
00:13:30,076 --> 00:13:32,927
I'd been hurt
quite a few times already.
370
00:13:32,929 --> 00:13:35,997
Today, we're gonna braid
friendship bracelets.
371
00:13:40,470 --> 00:13:43,120
♪ I fell in love...
372
00:13:43,122 --> 00:13:46,257
There is a very
simple explana... ah!
373
00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:48,309
This one time,
I was playing tennis, and...
374
00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:51,312
Ooh!
375
00:13:51,314 --> 00:13:53,181
Oh, ow!
Ow!
376
00:13:55,685 --> 00:13:57,185
Hey, Schmosby, remember
when you dookied
377
00:13:57,187 --> 00:13:59,020
in your pants
down by the lake?
378
00:13:59,022 --> 00:14:01,138
Unbelievable!
379
00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:10,147
Do you love me?
380
00:14:10,983 --> 00:14:13,534
No.
381
00:14:14,753 --> 00:14:16,838
But when I saw
that text message,
382
00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:19,040
and found out Robin
was engaged,
383
00:14:19,042 --> 00:14:20,208
it was like:
384
00:14:23,763 --> 00:14:24,629
Unbelievable!
385
00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:26,497
No.
386
00:14:26,499 --> 00:14:29,684
...times a million.
387
00:14:29,686 --> 00:14:31,803
I am happy for them.
388
00:14:31,805 --> 00:14:34,005
Is all you'll let yourself
say out loud,
389
00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:36,340
because if you said anything
to the contrary, well,
390
00:14:36,342 --> 00:14:37,675
that would make you
391
00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:39,894
the most awful person
on this rooftop.
392
00:14:39,896 --> 00:14:42,397
So, I'm gonna give you an out.
393
00:14:42,399 --> 00:14:44,148
And how are you gonna do that?
394
00:14:44,150 --> 00:14:47,518
By saying something
that is even more awful.
395
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,404
Like what?
396
00:14:50,790 --> 00:14:53,074
Sometimes I wish
I wasn't a mom.
397
00:14:53,076 --> 00:14:55,576
Sometimes I want to pack a bag
398
00:14:55,578 --> 00:14:58,913
and leave in the middle
of the night and not come back.
399
00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:04,636
Robin shouldn't be with Barney,
400
00:15:04,638 --> 00:15:06,370
she should be with me.
401
00:15:14,897 --> 00:15:16,230
You serious?
402
00:15:16,232 --> 00:15:17,598
I don't know.
403
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:20,601
I mean, I love
being a mom, and...
404
00:15:20,603 --> 00:15:23,321
I love Marvin so much.
405
00:15:23,323 --> 00:15:24,439
But...
406
00:15:24,441 --> 00:15:25,723
but do you remember
407
00:15:25,725 --> 00:15:27,492
when I wanted to be an artist?
408
00:15:27,494 --> 00:15:29,494
Art was my whole life.
409
00:15:29,496 --> 00:15:30,912
And-and now it's been months
410
00:15:30,914 --> 00:15:33,247
since I've even
picked up a brush.
411
00:15:33,249 --> 00:15:35,333
I-I spend the whole day
412
00:15:35,335 --> 00:15:36,751
taking care of kids at my job,
413
00:15:36,753 --> 00:15:38,836
and I come home
and it's more of the same.
414
00:15:38,838 --> 00:15:40,421
It just...
415
00:15:40,423 --> 00:15:43,041
It never lets up, it...
416
00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:46,794
It's just really,
really hard, Ted.
417
00:15:48,580 --> 00:15:50,915
Have you talked to Marshall
about how you feel?
418
00:15:50,917 --> 00:15:54,302
Have you talked
to Robin about how you feel?
419
00:15:54,304 --> 00:15:56,888
Fair enough.
420
00:15:56,890 --> 00:16:00,608
I just think we have to accept
our lots in life,
421
00:16:00,610 --> 00:16:03,277
and I have to be a mom to a...
422
00:16:03,279 --> 00:16:05,279
a beautiful, wonderful--
423
00:16:05,281 --> 00:16:07,198
if slightly constipated--
424
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,866
little boy, and...
425
00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:13,454
you have to let
Robin and Barney get a band.
426
00:16:15,724 --> 00:16:17,742
All right, let's see
what's in this dipey.
427
00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:19,911
Nothing.
428
00:16:21,463 --> 00:16:23,664
Absolutely nothing.
429
00:16:24,883 --> 00:16:26,501
Hey.
430
00:16:26,503 --> 00:16:29,453
Are you finally
giving Daddy a smile?
431
00:16:29,455 --> 00:16:31,422
Oh!
432
00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:32,623
Oh, God!
433
00:16:32,625 --> 00:16:34,175
And, no, it wasn't confetti.
434
00:16:34,177 --> 00:16:35,510
Oh!
435
00:16:36,395 --> 00:16:38,563
Oh, God!
436
00:16:39,398 --> 00:16:41,632
Please!
437
00:16:43,318 --> 00:16:45,520
Holy confetti.
438
00:16:47,022 --> 00:16:48,523
That night, Robin agreed
439
00:16:48,525 --> 00:16:50,191
to meet her dad one more time.
440
00:16:50,193 --> 00:16:51,859
Your Dad has something to say.
441
00:16:56,149 --> 00:17:00,752
I'm sorry for getting married
without consulting you.
442
00:17:00,754 --> 00:17:03,154
It was wrong of me.
443
00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:04,122
There. Now, Robin...
444
00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:05,339
I know that
no mere
445
00:17:05,341 --> 00:17:07,542
apology will fix this.
446
00:17:08,427 --> 00:17:10,344
And that is why
447
00:17:10,346 --> 00:17:12,329
I've asked Carol for a divorce.
448
00:17:12,831 --> 00:17:13,898
What?!
449
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:15,883
She's heartbroken,
understandably.
450
00:17:15,885 --> 00:17:17,268
Possibly suicidal.
451
00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:18,269
I did not tell him...
452
00:17:18,271 --> 00:17:20,171
But if that's
the price
453
00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:22,557
for my daughter's love...
454
00:17:22,559 --> 00:17:25,393
then I will gladly
let Carol pay it.
455
00:17:27,197 --> 00:17:29,513
Was that not what you wanted?
456
00:17:29,515 --> 00:17:32,033
You want to know what I want?
457
00:17:33,069 --> 00:17:35,186
A normal dad. That's all.
458
00:17:36,038 --> 00:17:37,738
I want you to give
this blond guy
459
00:17:37,740 --> 00:17:38,956
permission to marry me.
460
00:17:38,958 --> 00:17:40,875
Come to the wedding,
give me away,
461
00:17:40,877 --> 00:17:43,694
smile in the pictures,
and then...
462
00:17:43,696 --> 00:17:46,881
dance with me like a normal dad.
463
00:17:46,883 --> 00:17:49,300
Is that too much to ask?
464
00:17:49,302 --> 00:17:50,334
"Of course not.
465
00:17:50,336 --> 00:17:52,837
"Oh, Robin, my darling girl,
466
00:17:52,839 --> 00:17:54,005
"of course
I'll do all stuff.
467
00:17:54,007 --> 00:17:56,757
"I love you
and I'm proud of you."
468
00:17:56,759 --> 00:17:58,559
He didn't say that?
469
00:17:58,561 --> 00:17:59,710
No.
470
00:17:59,712 --> 00:18:02,230
Fine. One dance--
471
00:18:02,232 --> 00:18:04,048
"Cheeseburger in Paradise."
472
00:18:04,050 --> 00:18:06,818
And Carol's going to sing it.
473
00:18:07,603 --> 00:18:10,571
Well, see you at the wedding.
474
00:18:10,573 --> 00:18:11,906
But it's kind of amazing.
475
00:18:11,908 --> 00:18:15,459
I mean, he's never apologized
to me in his life.
476
00:18:15,461 --> 00:18:18,229
Barney made it happen.
477
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:20,164
He must really love me.
478
00:18:20,166 --> 00:18:23,167
Well, he'd be crazy not to.
479
00:18:24,786 --> 00:18:26,971
I'm really happy for you guys.
480
00:18:27,639 --> 00:18:28,706
But I still think
481
00:18:28,708 --> 00:18:29,740
you should get a DJ.
482
00:18:29,742 --> 00:18:31,676
Ju-Ju..
For God's sakes, Ted.
483
00:18:31,678 --> 00:18:33,044
Hear me out.
484
00:18:33,046 --> 00:18:34,912
I made a pretty strong case
that night,
485
00:18:34,914 --> 00:18:36,848
but in the end,
she didn't want a DJ.
486
00:18:36,850 --> 00:18:38,099
She wanted a band.
487
00:18:38,101 --> 00:18:39,800
And guess what happened.
488
00:18:39,802 --> 00:18:42,470
That's right, the band cancelled
at the last minute,
489
00:18:42,472 --> 00:18:44,021
just like I said they would.
490
00:18:44,023 --> 00:18:46,774
The wedding is in a week,
and no bands.
491
00:18:46,776 --> 00:18:49,760
When will people realize
I always know what's what?
492
00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:52,113
He says to the lesbian
he dated for a month.
493
00:18:52,115 --> 00:18:53,898
That's a fair point.
494
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,099
Anyway, you guys
495
00:18:55,101 --> 00:18:56,234
wouldn't, uh, happen to know
496
00:18:56,236 --> 00:18:57,618
of any good wedding bands
497
00:18:57,620 --> 00:18:59,453
available at the last minute,
would you?
498
00:19:00,239 --> 00:19:02,773
Ted, do you believe
in destiny?
499
00:19:02,775 --> 00:19:04,592
You really don't know me,
do you?
500
00:19:04,594 --> 00:19:06,878
We just had brunch
with my ex-roommate.
501
00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:07,862
The bass player?
502
00:19:07,864 --> 00:19:09,446
No, she's not
just a bass player.
503
00:19:09,448 --> 00:19:11,332
She's a bass player
in the best wedding band
504
00:19:11,334 --> 00:19:12,550
in the tri-state area.
505
00:19:12,552 --> 00:19:14,468
They had a gig lined up
for this weekend,
506
00:19:14,470 --> 00:19:16,387
but it just fell through
this morning.
507
00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:19,223
You, my friend, are
gonna save that wedding.
508
00:19:19,225 --> 00:19:20,925
Do you know any DJs?
509
00:19:20,927 --> 00:19:21,976
Dude, come on.
510
00:19:21,978 --> 00:19:23,678
Let it go, bro.
Just let it go.
511
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:24,679
All right, all right,
512
00:19:24,681 --> 00:19:25,646
all right.
513
00:19:25,648 --> 00:19:26,964
Well, I guess, uh...
514
00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:28,632
Guess it's a lucky thing
I ran into you guys.
515
00:19:28,634 --> 00:19:32,737
And, kids, "lucky" doesn't
even begin to describe it.
516
00:19:32,739 --> 00:19:34,989
♪
517
00:19:38,110 --> 00:19:40,912
Because if Barney and Robin
had taken my stupid advice
518
00:19:40,914 --> 00:19:43,164
and hired a DJ...
519
00:19:47,617 --> 00:19:49,934
...I never would have
met your mother.
520
00:19:49,936 --> 00:19:54,936
== sync, corrected by elderman ==