1
00:00:06,702 --> 00:00:08,558
MARSHALL:
This is the life.
2
00:00:08,559 --> 00:00:09,922
We got the three B's.
3
00:00:09,923 --> 00:00:12,774
Beach, booze
and bodacious babes.
4
00:00:12,776 --> 00:00:14,309
I don't know.
5
00:00:14,311 --> 00:00:16,311
I'm starting to think
we should call the police.
6
00:00:16,313 --> 00:00:17,979
Oh, would you relax?
7
00:00:17,981 --> 00:00:19,513
We've got it made.
8
00:00:19,515 --> 00:00:21,616
One whole week
at his bodacious beach house,
9
00:00:21,618 --> 00:00:23,968
no strings attached.
10
00:00:23,970 --> 00:00:26,955
Well, there is one
string attached.
11
00:00:28,857 --> 00:00:30,775
Hi, Barney.
12
00:00:38,050 --> 00:00:40,969
BOTH:
Bodacious.
13
00:00:40,971 --> 00:00:42,670
(gasps)
"Weekend at Barney's!"
14
00:00:42,672 --> 00:00:44,005
What is it? What's wrong?
15
00:00:44,007 --> 00:00:46,424
The plays, Robin, the plays.
16
00:00:46,426 --> 00:00:48,926
The ingenious techniques I used
as a bachelor
17
00:00:48,928 --> 00:00:50,645
to pick up busty dullards.
18
00:00:50,647 --> 00:00:52,930
They just keep coming to me;
I can't turn them off.
19
00:00:52,932 --> 00:00:55,400
Okay, Barney, let me
ease your mind, okay?
20
00:00:55,402 --> 00:00:56,934
All right, here we go.
21
00:00:56,936 --> 00:00:58,152
Remember when you set
22
00:00:58,154 --> 00:01:00,188
your Playbook on fire?
23
00:01:05,694 --> 00:01:08,997
That was the moment I realized
you were someone I could marry.
24
00:01:08,999 --> 00:01:11,616
And I'd burn it again
if I could.
25
00:01:11,618 --> 00:01:12,800
You're right.
26
00:01:12,802 --> 00:01:14,085
I'm done with all these plays.
27
00:01:14,087 --> 00:01:16,204
Besides, there's no way
I'll ever come up
28
00:01:16,206 --> 00:01:18,873
with anything that tops
"Weekend at Barney's."
29
00:01:18,875 --> 00:01:20,875
(chuckles)
30
00:01:25,714 --> 00:01:27,181
"Weekend at Barney's Two!"
31
00:01:27,183 --> 00:01:29,280
Damn it, Barney!
(panting)
32
00:01:29,281 --> 00:01:33,281
♪ How I Met Your Mother 8x18 ♪
Weekend at Barney's
Original Air Date on February 25, 2013
33
00:01:33,306 --> 00:01:38,306
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
34
00:01:42,231 --> 00:01:44,115
So, there's this big
35
00:01:44,117 --> 00:01:45,766
gallery opening tonight.
36
00:01:45,768 --> 00:01:49,037
Oh, we'd love to, but
we've got this, um...
37
00:01:49,039 --> 00:01:50,621
Genesis reunion,
Madison Square Garden,
38
00:01:50,623 --> 00:01:51,772
front row.
39
00:01:51,774 --> 00:01:52,940
It's gonna be legend...
40
00:01:52,942 --> 00:01:54,042
I wasn't inviting you guys.
41
00:01:54,044 --> 00:01:56,961
Oh, thank God.
There is no concert.
42
00:01:56,963 --> 00:01:58,612
As the captain's
new art buyer,
43
00:01:58,614 --> 00:02:01,299
I have to go schmooze
this up-and-coming artist,
44
00:02:01,301 --> 00:02:02,633
Strickland Stevens,
45
00:02:02,635 --> 00:02:05,219
so we get first dibs
on all his new stuff.
46
00:02:05,221 --> 00:02:06,888
And I'll be helping
Lily seal the deal
47
00:02:06,890 --> 00:02:08,622
by impressing
the intelligentsia
48
00:02:08,624 --> 00:02:10,291
with some art-related
hilarity.
49
00:02:10,293 --> 00:02:12,793
I've prepared some jokes.
50
00:02:12,795 --> 00:02:15,763
Why couldn't the art
dealer pay his rent?
51
00:02:15,765 --> 00:02:16,814
I don't know. Why?
52
00:02:16,816 --> 00:02:18,132
This is gonna be rough.
53
00:02:18,134 --> 00:02:21,352
Because he ran
out of Monet.
54
00:02:21,354 --> 00:02:22,437
You're gonna get that
55
00:02:22,439 --> 00:02:24,439
on the walk home.
How about this one?
56
00:02:24,441 --> 00:02:26,357
You know what, we'd...
we'd love to hear it,
57
00:02:26,359 --> 00:02:27,992
but we've got that,
um... that...
58
00:02:27,994 --> 00:02:30,278
Steely Dan, Carnegie Hall,
backstage pass. Let's go.
59
00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,271
We don't want to miss
whatever their big song was.
60
00:02:32,296 --> 00:02:32,748
Yeah.
61
00:02:32,749 --> 00:02:35,649
Your wedding response card,
as promised.
62
00:02:35,651 --> 00:02:38,119
Why didn't you just mail
it like everybody else?
63
00:02:38,121 --> 00:02:40,438
Oh, see, that's sad, Robin.
64
00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:42,874
You should be touched
that I hand-delivered it.
65
00:02:42,876 --> 00:02:47,261
Has social media so eroded
our interpersonal relationships
66
00:02:47,263 --> 00:02:48,930
that we no longer wish
to experience the...
67
00:02:48,932 --> 00:02:50,014
You wanted to
keep the stamp?
68
00:02:50,016 --> 00:02:51,099
They're 46 cents now.
69
00:02:51,101 --> 00:02:52,133
It's getting out of hand.
70
00:02:52,135 --> 00:02:55,720
"Your invitation
is joyfully accepted
71
00:02:55,722 --> 00:02:58,856
by Mr. Ted Mosby and Jeanette""
72
00:02:58,858 --> 00:03:00,208
(groaning)
73
00:03:00,210 --> 00:03:01,642
NARRATOR:
Kids, as you'll recall,
74
00:03:01,644 --> 00:03:02,977
Jeanette was
the last girl I dated
75
00:03:02,979 --> 00:03:04,028
before I met your mother.
76
00:03:04,030 --> 00:03:05,062
My friends only had
77
00:03:05,064 --> 00:03:06,347
one tiny problem with her.
78
00:03:06,349 --> 00:03:07,615
(alarm buzzing)
79
00:03:08,317 --> 00:03:10,351
She was nuts.
80
00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:13,070
So you're bringing
a plus one?
81
00:03:13,072 --> 00:03:14,789
If you count the
voices in her head,
82
00:03:14,791 --> 00:03:16,240
it's plus five.
83
00:03:16,242 --> 00:03:17,925
Guys, I'm bringing her,
84
00:03:17,927 --> 00:03:19,827
and you're gonna love
having her there.
85
00:03:19,829 --> 00:03:21,662
Oh, and, um, by the way,
86
00:03:21,664 --> 00:03:23,548
just so this doesn't turn
into an argument later,
87
00:03:23,550 --> 00:03:24,715
the dress she's gonna wear
88
00:03:24,717 --> 00:03:26,237
isn't technically white;
it's eggshell.
89
00:03:26,819 --> 00:03:28,803
The shoes are white, though.
90
00:03:29,421 --> 00:03:30,755
And the gloves.
91
00:03:30,757 --> 00:03:32,840
And the veil.
Well, see you guys.
92
00:03:33,458 --> 00:03:35,276
No, no, no.
Mosby! Get...
93
00:03:38,897 --> 00:03:40,681
Oh, my God, what happened?
94
00:03:40,683 --> 00:03:42,883
Oh, I trashed your apartment.
95
00:03:42,885 --> 00:03:44,101
See, I got bored,
96
00:03:44,103 --> 00:03:46,437
so I started going
through all your e-mails.
97
00:03:46,439 --> 00:03:48,856
Sure.
And I found one from a woman
98
00:03:48,858 --> 00:03:51,075
with the subject line,
"big penis orgasms,"
99
00:03:51,077 --> 00:03:53,077
so naturally,
I smashed your plates,
100
00:03:53,079 --> 00:03:54,895
knifed your mattress,
peed in your drawers,
101
00:03:54,897 --> 00:03:56,814
the whole nine, but then,
102
00:03:56,816 --> 00:03:58,899
while I was upper-decking
your toilet,
103
00:03:58,901 --> 00:04:00,701
I actually read the e-mail.
104
00:04:00,703 --> 00:04:03,087
Turns out it was spam.
105
00:04:03,839 --> 00:04:05,540
Classic Jeanette, huh?
106
00:04:05,542 --> 00:04:07,341
Oh, my God.
107
00:04:07,343 --> 00:04:10,595
You are certifiably insane...
108
00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:13,014
...about me.
109
00:04:13,016 --> 00:04:14,549
Come here, you knucklehead.
110
00:04:14,551 --> 00:04:15,850
I can't stay mad at you.
111
00:04:15,852 --> 00:04:17,418
Ted, Ted,
I'm breaking up with you.
112
00:04:17,420 --> 00:04:18,436
You're just
113
00:04:18,438 --> 00:04:19,753
so intense,
114
00:04:19,755 --> 00:04:22,106
and it's all moving
way too fast.
115
00:04:22,108 --> 00:04:23,357
Here's your key back.
116
00:04:24,259 --> 00:04:25,759
I never gave you a key.
117
00:04:25,761 --> 00:04:27,612
And here's
your grandmother's ring.
118
00:04:27,614 --> 00:04:30,064
She was buried wearing this.
119
00:04:30,066 --> 00:04:31,949
And just like that,
120
00:04:31,951 --> 00:04:33,351
it was over.
121
00:04:34,419 --> 00:04:35,453
I texted Barney and Robin.
122
00:04:35,455 --> 00:04:36,604
I'm sure they're over the moon
123
00:04:36,606 --> 00:04:37,738
that Jeanette's not coming
to the wedding.
124
00:04:37,740 --> 00:04:40,374
Oh, no, Ted, no.
125
00:04:40,376 --> 00:04:43,411
They're not gonna be
happy about you being sad.
126
00:04:43,413 --> 00:04:44,879
They broke up!
127
00:04:44,881 --> 00:04:46,780
(screaming)
128
00:04:46,782 --> 00:04:48,382
Ted, respectfully,
129
00:04:48,384 --> 00:04:51,052
are you sure that this was
the right girl for you?
130
00:04:51,054 --> 00:04:52,336
Of course not.
131
00:04:52,338 --> 00:04:53,838
She was crazy.
132
00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:55,673
Absolutely a nightmare.
133
00:04:55,675 --> 00:04:57,124
It's totally not worth
the trouble.
134
00:04:57,126 --> 00:04:58,959
I mean, no matter how...
135
00:04:58,961 --> 00:05:01,646
no matter how great the sex was.
136
00:05:01,648 --> 00:05:03,748
Uh-oh.
Stay with us, buddy.
137
00:05:03,750 --> 00:05:06,434
No matter how hot and passionate
138
00:05:06,436 --> 00:05:08,736
and surprising,
139
00:05:08,738 --> 00:05:10,438
possibly illegal...
140
00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,540
I don't like this.
Me, neither.
141
00:05:12,542 --> 00:05:14,575
I'm gonna win her back.
142
00:05:14,577 --> 00:05:16,327
(groaning)
143
00:05:16,329 --> 00:05:19,080
Barney and Robin are gonna be
so happy I'm happy.
144
00:05:19,082 --> 00:05:21,032
(sobbing)
I know.
145
00:05:21,034 --> 00:05:23,618
I know.
146
00:05:23,620 --> 00:05:26,420
Did you just unhook my bra?
147
00:05:26,422 --> 00:05:28,789
Shh. There, there.
148
00:05:28,791 --> 00:05:31,158
NARRATOR: That night was
the big gallery show.
149
00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:33,010
Hey. I'm so sorry.
150
00:05:33,012 --> 00:05:34,934
I decided to grab a snack
from the bodega.
151
00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:35,597
Why?
152
00:05:35,598 --> 00:05:36,797
They'll have food
at the gallery.
153
00:05:36,799 --> 00:05:38,382
Oh, come on,
these places never have food.
154
00:05:38,384 --> 00:05:39,467
It's fine.
155
00:05:39,469 --> 00:05:41,001
I got some Skittles.
156
00:05:41,003 --> 00:05:44,355
NARRATOR: That was the last bag
of Skittles
157
00:05:44,357 --> 00:05:46,691
your Uncle Marshall
would ever buy.
158
00:05:46,693 --> 00:05:49,894
Meanwhile, I headed over
to Jeanette's place
159
00:05:49,896 --> 00:05:52,146
to win her back.
(bell dings)
160
00:05:52,148 --> 00:05:54,348
(doors close)
161
00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:00,237
What the hell?
162
00:06:00,239 --> 00:06:01,739
I can't let you do this, Ted.
163
00:06:01,741 --> 00:06:03,524
I want Jeanette back.
164
00:06:03,526 --> 00:06:05,743
Well, then accept my apology.
165
00:06:05,745 --> 00:06:07,378
For what?
166
00:06:07,380 --> 00:06:09,246
(sighs)
This.
167
00:06:13,848 --> 00:06:16,930
Ow, ow, ow! Damn it!
You're strong.
168
00:06:17,030 --> 00:06:18,563
That's just from Pilates?
169
00:06:18,565 --> 00:06:19,931
Twice a week.
170
00:06:19,933 --> 00:06:22,567
Look, I don't want you
getting back with Jeanette.
171
00:06:22,569 --> 00:06:25,153
Ted, what is my one rule?
172
00:06:25,155 --> 00:06:27,055
You can tell how old a girl is
by her elbows?
173
00:06:27,057 --> 00:06:28,323
My other one rule.
174
00:06:28,325 --> 00:06:30,075
Flaxseed relieves upset stomach?
175
00:06:30,077 --> 00:06:31,275
My other one rule.
176
00:06:31,277 --> 00:06:32,660
Always have a fake pair
of concert tickets
177
00:06:32,662 --> 00:06:34,679
in your pocket in case Lily
invites you to something stupid?
178
00:06:34,681 --> 00:06:35,767
My other one rule.
179
00:06:35,792 --> 00:06:37,600
Lebanese girls sprint to third
base and then stay there?
180
00:06:37,601 --> 00:06:39,601
My other one rule.
New is always better.
181
00:06:39,603 --> 00:06:40,969
New is always better!
182
00:06:40,971 --> 00:06:42,470
Exactly, Ted.
183
00:06:42,472 --> 00:06:44,389
You want to invite a date
to our wedding,
184
00:06:44,391 --> 00:06:45,924
it is not gonna be Jeanette.
185
00:06:45,926 --> 00:06:47,625
It is gonna be someone new.
186
00:06:47,627 --> 00:06:49,894
And I am gonna help you
find her
187
00:06:49,896 --> 00:06:52,180
with a little help from...
188
00:06:53,132 --> 00:06:54,182
The Playbook.
189
00:06:54,184 --> 00:06:55,400
The Playbook?
190
00:06:55,402 --> 00:06:56,518
Didn't you burn that?
191
00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:58,353
Oh, I didn't burn the real one.
192
00:06:58,355 --> 00:07:00,772
That was
the ceremonial playbook
193
00:07:00,774 --> 00:07:02,190
for parades,
194
00:07:02,192 --> 00:07:03,358
mall openings,
195
00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:04,776
inaugurations, stuff like that.
196
00:07:04,778 --> 00:07:06,744
That's a pretty big secret
to keep from Robin.
197
00:07:06,746 --> 00:07:08,830
Which is exactly
why I'm trusting you,
198
00:07:08,832 --> 00:07:11,166
my best bro,
to never let her know
199
00:07:11,168 --> 00:07:13,034
that the Playbook still exists.
200
00:07:13,485 --> 00:07:15,319
Pinky swear?
201
00:07:16,155 --> 00:07:17,922
Fine.
202
00:07:17,924 --> 00:07:19,624
Wow.
203
00:07:21,594 --> 00:07:23,327
See, I told you.
204
00:07:23,329 --> 00:07:26,464
Thank God I snuck in
this bag of goodness.
205
00:07:27,883 --> 00:07:30,435
(gasps)
There's Strickland Stevens.
206
00:07:30,437 --> 00:07:31,836
MARSHALL:
Wow.
207
00:07:31,838 --> 00:07:33,688
Even his scarf
is up-and-coming.
208
00:07:33,690 --> 00:07:37,358
Are you gonna be okay
by yourself for a few minutes?
209
00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:39,110
Yeah, of course.
Why wouldn't I be?
210
00:07:39,112 --> 00:07:42,147
Well, you're sitting
on an $80,000 sculpture.
211
00:07:42,149 --> 00:07:43,982
For 80 grand,
212
00:07:43,984 --> 00:07:45,867
you'd think it
would be more comfortable.
213
00:07:45,869 --> 00:07:47,402
Lil, I'll be fine.
214
00:07:47,404 --> 00:07:49,537
Do you know
who you're talking to?
215
00:07:49,539 --> 00:07:51,906
In high school,
I was voted most outgoing
216
00:07:51,908 --> 00:07:54,159
freshman, sophomore
and senior year.
217
00:07:54,161 --> 00:07:56,044
What happened junior year?
218
00:07:57,379 --> 00:07:59,197
Egdud Ferhaki,
219
00:07:59,199 --> 00:08:01,699
that outgoing son of a bitch.
220
00:08:01,701 --> 00:08:04,368
He beat you for most outgoing?
221
00:08:04,370 --> 00:08:06,504
Huh? Oh, no, we tied.
222
00:08:09,358 --> 00:08:11,876
Look, the point is, I can make
friends anywhere, even here.
223
00:08:11,878 --> 00:08:14,229
Thanks, baby.
You got it.
224
00:08:14,231 --> 00:08:16,181
(clicks tongue)
225
00:08:16,183 --> 00:08:17,982
Hey, excuse me.
226
00:08:17,984 --> 00:08:19,684
Listen.
227
00:08:19,686 --> 00:08:22,320
Do you think that you
would enjoy a show
228
00:08:22,322 --> 00:08:26,274
featuring Donatello, Raphael,
229
00:08:26,276 --> 00:08:28,743
Michelangelo and Leonardo?
230
00:08:28,745 --> 00:08:29,777
Sound like
you're a fan
231
00:08:29,779 --> 00:08:31,562
of the Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles.
232
00:08:31,564 --> 00:08:32,864
Gotcha. Skin it.
233
00:08:37,703 --> 00:08:40,455
He will get that
on the drive home.
234
00:08:40,457 --> 00:08:42,740
NARRATOR:
He didn't.
235
00:08:43,542 --> 00:08:45,376
Fireworks?
Yeah.
236
00:08:45,378 --> 00:08:47,595
Everything in there is a
prop we'll need for tonight.
237
00:08:54,136 --> 00:08:56,054
Everything.
238
00:08:56,056 --> 00:08:58,223
All right, here's how
this is going down.
239
00:08:58,225 --> 00:09:00,942
You'll be wearing this
earpiece and microphone.
240
00:09:00,944 --> 00:09:03,427
I'll be staked out here,
telling you exactly what to say,
241
00:09:03,429 --> 00:09:05,897
so just stay focused
and you'll be fine.
242
00:09:05,899 --> 00:09:08,233
Which play
are we gonna run first?
243
00:09:08,235 --> 00:09:10,401
How about
the "Weekend at Barney's"?
244
00:09:10,403 --> 00:09:11,953
(chuckles)
245
00:09:11,955 --> 00:09:13,571
Oh, Ted, your first day
at the salon,
246
00:09:13,573 --> 00:09:15,456
and you want
to do a cut and color?
247
00:09:15,458 --> 00:09:16,741
No.
248
00:09:16,743 --> 00:09:18,910
Tonight we're gonna
start off with...
249
00:09:20,312 --> 00:09:22,413
Ice Man to Neruda.
250
00:09:22,415 --> 00:09:24,332
Ice Man to Neruda.
251
00:09:24,334 --> 00:09:25,583
Bogey at 10:00,
252
00:09:25,585 --> 00:09:26,968
and she is packing
two fully-operational
253
00:09:26,970 --> 00:09:28,503
sweater stretchers.
254
00:09:28,505 --> 00:09:31,622
That's bravo, Oscar, Oscar,
bravo, Sierra.
255
00:09:31,624 --> 00:09:33,291
Possible delta cups.
256
00:09:33,293 --> 00:09:35,677
Copy that. Engaging target.
257
00:09:35,679 --> 00:09:37,262
Over.
258
00:09:37,264 --> 00:09:38,763
Excuse me,
I have a delivery for Lisa.
259
00:09:38,765 --> 00:09:41,232
Excuse me, I have
a delivery for Lisa.
260
00:09:41,234 --> 00:09:43,351
Are you Lisa?
Are you Lisa?
261
00:09:43,353 --> 00:09:44,635
Uh, no.
262
00:09:44,637 --> 00:09:45,937
But you must be.
263
00:09:45,939 --> 00:09:47,238
I was told to...
264
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:50,475
...deliver this package
to a girl named Lisa,
265
00:09:50,477 --> 00:09:52,827
and that I'd recognize her
because she'd be...
266
00:09:52,829 --> 00:09:55,029
The most beautiful girl
in this bar.
267
00:09:55,031 --> 00:09:56,447
So, here's your delivery,
268
00:09:56,449 --> 00:09:57,582
Lisa.
269
00:09:57,584 --> 00:09:58,883
Uh, I am definitely
not Lisa,
270
00:09:58,885 --> 00:10:02,987
but I would be happy
to help you find her.
271
00:10:02,989 --> 00:10:05,790
Great, and then maybe later...
272
00:10:05,792 --> 00:10:09,160
I could give you
a different package-- my penis.
273
00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:13,514
That is a terrible line!
274
00:10:13,516 --> 00:10:14,766
You said it wrong.
275
00:10:14,768 --> 00:10:16,100
I did not say it wrong.
276
00:10:16,102 --> 00:10:17,335
My penis.
277
00:10:17,337 --> 00:10:18,870
No.
My penis.
278
00:10:18,872 --> 00:10:21,806
Still not right.
My penis, my penis, my penis!
279
00:10:23,726 --> 00:10:25,310
(muttering):
Hello.
280
00:10:27,313 --> 00:10:29,147
LILY:
This sucks.
281
00:10:29,149 --> 00:10:30,514
I can't get near Strickland.
282
00:10:30,516 --> 00:10:32,183
At least Marshall's having
a good time.
283
00:10:32,185 --> 00:10:35,953
Man, he always knows
just the right thing to say.
284
00:10:35,955 --> 00:10:38,856
For a gay guy,
Andy Warhol sure liked cans.
285
00:10:41,460 --> 00:10:42,827
This sucks.
286
00:10:42,829 --> 00:10:44,545
Maybe I've lost my charm.
287
00:10:44,547 --> 00:10:46,214
No, Marshall,
288
00:10:46,216 --> 00:10:48,383
if Lily's gonna make it
in this fancy art world,
289
00:10:48,385 --> 00:10:50,752
you're gonna have to make it,
too, so suck it up,
290
00:10:50,754 --> 00:10:52,553
stop sitting on the art,
291
00:10:52,555 --> 00:10:55,056
and bust out the "A" material.
292
00:10:58,761 --> 00:11:01,396
You two keep chugging
like that,
293
00:11:01,398 --> 00:11:02,546
you're gonna have to
294
00:11:02,548 --> 00:11:04,766
Vincent van go
to the bathroom, am I right?
295
00:11:04,768 --> 00:11:06,984
It's pronounced van Gogh.
296
00:11:08,604 --> 00:11:11,406
Oh, "blogh" me.
297
00:11:12,808 --> 00:11:15,143
I still don't get why someone
would leave the hospital
298
00:11:15,145 --> 00:11:17,078
without changing
into their clothes first. Over.
299
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:18,413
Ted, this is my thing.
300
00:11:18,415 --> 00:11:20,331
So just... okay?
301
00:11:20,333 --> 00:11:21,332
Over.
302
00:11:21,334 --> 00:11:23,751
Okay? Over.
303
00:11:25,704 --> 00:11:26,871
Are you all right?
304
00:11:26,873 --> 00:11:28,356
What? Oh.
305
00:11:28,358 --> 00:11:30,992
Yes, yes, I'm fine.
306
00:11:30,994 --> 00:11:32,794
Tomorrow, I'm...
307
00:11:32,796 --> 00:11:35,563
donating a kidney
to my best friend.
308
00:11:35,565 --> 00:11:37,899
My best friend Barney.
309
00:11:37,901 --> 00:11:39,267
Not Marshall.
310
00:11:39,269 --> 00:11:40,902
Barney.
311
00:11:40,904 --> 00:11:42,403
Marshall's so lame.
312
00:11:43,839 --> 00:11:45,006
Anyway, uh...
313
00:11:45,008 --> 00:11:47,475
just wanted to grab
one last drink, in case...
314
00:11:47,477 --> 00:11:50,011
you know, I don't make it.
315
00:11:50,013 --> 00:11:51,462
You are so brave.
316
00:11:51,464 --> 00:11:52,997
Hey, listen. (clears throat)
317
00:11:52,999 --> 00:11:56,134
Before I give my best friend
this organ, how about...
318
00:11:57,403 --> 00:11:58,636
Nope.
319
00:11:58,638 --> 00:12:00,238
Nope, I'm not saying that.
320
00:12:01,073 --> 00:12:02,123
I did hear you,
321
00:12:02,125 --> 00:12:04,092
but I'm not saying that.
322
00:12:04,094 --> 00:12:05,293
Because I'm not.
323
00:12:05,295 --> 00:12:06,544
Are you okay?
324
00:12:06,546 --> 00:12:09,263
One second. I know you put
a lot of work into this.
325
00:12:09,265 --> 00:12:10,465
I understand that.
326
00:12:11,266 --> 00:12:12,467
I understand that.
327
00:12:13,268 --> 00:12:14,469
I understand that.
328
00:12:16,538 --> 00:12:17,738
I understand that.
329
00:12:17,740 --> 00:12:19,090
Why can't I just
talk to her?
330
00:12:19,092 --> 00:12:20,741
Maybe we'll hit it off...
331
00:12:21,777 --> 00:12:23,211
(sighs)
332
00:12:23,213 --> 00:12:24,679
Fine.
333
00:12:24,681 --> 00:12:26,380
Copy that.
334
00:12:28,250 --> 00:12:29,517
(clears throat)
335
00:12:29,519 --> 00:12:32,854
How about I give you
a different organ?
336
00:12:33,989 --> 00:12:35,656
My penis.
337
00:12:39,278 --> 00:12:41,162
You said it wrong.
338
00:12:41,164 --> 00:12:42,847
I did not say it wrong!
339
00:12:44,032 --> 00:12:46,117
Thank you all so much
for coming.
340
00:12:46,119 --> 00:12:47,468
If you'll
indulge me,
341
00:12:47,470 --> 00:12:49,003
I would like to share a story
342
00:12:49,005 --> 00:12:51,155
about my dearly departed
grandmother.
343
00:12:51,157 --> 00:12:52,340
MARSHALL:
Oh, God.
344
00:12:52,342 --> 00:12:54,342
News flash, Johnny Ascot:
345
00:12:54,344 --> 00:12:56,461
Lots of people
have dead grandmas.
346
00:12:56,463 --> 00:12:57,828
No, Marshall.
347
00:12:57,830 --> 00:12:59,663
Don't be bitter.
348
00:12:59,665 --> 00:13:01,165
You're here for Lily.
349
00:13:01,167 --> 00:13:03,217
Just look at her,
so professional.
350
00:13:03,219 --> 00:13:06,387
She hasn't sat
on a single piece of art.
351
00:13:06,389 --> 00:13:09,557
You're gonna ride this thing
out with dignity for Lily.
352
00:13:09,559 --> 00:13:12,343
Not one more thing
that might embarrass her.
353
00:13:12,345 --> 00:13:15,563
I will simply stand here.
354
00:13:15,565 --> 00:13:19,016
Perfectly invisible.
355
00:13:19,018 --> 00:13:20,451
And so I dedicate this show
356
00:13:20,453 --> 00:13:22,570
to my grandmother's memory.
357
00:13:22,572 --> 00:13:24,522
Now...
358
00:13:24,524 --> 00:13:27,191
please join me in honoring her
359
00:13:27,193 --> 00:13:31,662
with 60 seconds
of absolute silence.
360
00:13:36,134 --> 00:13:38,336
(clattering)
361
00:13:58,073 --> 00:14:00,391
(one Skittle rattles on floor)
362
00:14:03,111 --> 00:14:06,214
BARNEY:
Okay, Neruda, this play is
363
00:14:06,216 --> 00:14:07,698
extremely complicated.
364
00:14:07,700 --> 00:14:09,116
Let me guess.
Does it involve me
365
00:14:09,118 --> 00:14:11,202
saying "my penis"
in a Scottish accent?
366
00:14:11,204 --> 00:14:13,170
(Scottish accent):
Now you're gettin' it, laddie!
367
00:14:14,540 --> 00:14:15,590
Hey!
368
00:14:15,592 --> 00:14:17,041
Robin. What are you doing here?
369
00:14:17,043 --> 00:14:18,342
I was curious as to whether
370
00:14:18,344 --> 00:14:20,044
you found Ted a date
to our wedding
371
00:14:20,046 --> 00:14:22,179
who was a little less,
you know, Antichrist-y.
372
00:14:25,634 --> 00:14:27,418
Is that the Playbook?
373
00:14:27,420 --> 00:14:32,590
No, Robin, that is a couch.
374
00:14:40,432 --> 00:14:42,733
Oh, you mean
the Playbook on the couch?
375
00:14:42,735 --> 00:14:43,734
I can explain.
376
00:14:43,736 --> 00:14:44,768
Don't bother.
377
00:14:44,770 --> 00:14:46,787
I can ex...
Uh, Ted? Uh...
378
00:14:46,789 --> 00:14:48,489
I got to step away from
mission control for a sec.
379
00:14:48,491 --> 00:14:50,441
Don't do anything stupid
while I'm gone.
380
00:14:50,443 --> 00:14:52,109
Robin...
381
00:14:52,111 --> 00:14:54,295
(no dialogue)
382
00:15:04,878 --> 00:15:06,662
Robin, wait.
383
00:15:07,589 --> 00:15:09,288
Um... shoot.
I haven't figured out
384
00:15:09,290 --> 00:15:11,424
what I'm gonna say yet.
Keep going.
385
00:15:13,294 --> 00:15:14,811
Robin, wait.
386
00:15:16,146 --> 00:15:18,598
Look, I'm sorry
that I still have the Playbook.
387
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:21,100
It's just, it's filled
with a lifetime of great ideas.
388
00:15:21,102 --> 00:15:23,186
Am I supposed to just
leave all that behind?
389
00:15:23,188 --> 00:15:25,438
Yes.
But...
390
00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:27,690
"Weekend at Barney's"!
391
00:15:27,692 --> 00:15:28,858
Okay, what is that?
392
00:15:28,860 --> 00:15:31,160
Explain the
"Weekend at Barney's" to me.
393
00:15:31,162 --> 00:15:32,161
What's to explain?
394
00:15:32,163 --> 00:15:33,279
I play a dead guy,
395
00:15:33,281 --> 00:15:34,814
and Ted and Marshall
carry me around.
396
00:15:34,816 --> 00:15:36,866
Okay. And based on that,
girls want to sleep with you.
397
00:15:36,868 --> 00:15:38,334
Big time.
But you're dead.
398
00:15:38,336 --> 00:15:40,503
Yeah. Except not really,
obviously.
399
00:15:40,505 --> 00:15:41,921
But the girl thinks you're dead.
400
00:15:41,923 --> 00:15:42,923
No, she thinks I'm alive.
401
00:15:42,924 --> 00:15:44,040
Which you are.
Exactly.
402
00:15:44,042 --> 00:15:45,792
Except you're dead.
Exactly.
403
00:15:45,794 --> 00:15:47,493
Except you're alive.
Exactly.
404
00:15:47,495 --> 00:15:50,179
Okay, so instead of...
of being an alive person
405
00:15:50,181 --> 00:15:52,048
pretending to be a dead person
406
00:15:52,050 --> 00:15:53,600
pretending to be
an alive person,
407
00:15:53,602 --> 00:15:56,185
why not just be an alive person?
408
00:15:57,087 --> 00:15:59,606
Okay, let's start
from the beginning.
409
00:15:59,608 --> 00:16:03,726
The movie is called
Weekend at Bernie's.
410
00:16:03,728 --> 00:16:06,512
My name is Barney.
411
00:16:07,898 --> 00:16:09,699
I'm so sorry,
sweetie.
412
00:16:09,701 --> 00:16:11,067
I don't know
if you heard,
413
00:16:11,069 --> 00:16:12,402
but I dropped
some Skittles.
414
00:16:12,404 --> 00:16:13,486
Do you know what,
I'm just gonna
415
00:16:13,488 --> 00:16:14,787
go home before I
make things worse.
416
00:16:14,789 --> 00:16:16,456
You're not
going anywhere.
417
00:16:16,458 --> 00:16:17,624
We're a team.
418
00:16:17,626 --> 00:16:18,574
You stuck by me
419
00:16:18,576 --> 00:16:20,410
after my nip slip
420
00:16:20,412 --> 00:16:22,045
at your law school graduation.
421
00:16:22,047 --> 00:16:25,298
And after my nip slip
at the GNB Christmas party.
422
00:16:25,300 --> 00:16:26,716
And after my nip slip
423
00:16:26,718 --> 00:16:29,052
at the Honeywell and Coots
Family Fun Day.
424
00:16:29,054 --> 00:16:31,170
I don't know why you
keep wearing that top.
425
00:16:31,172 --> 00:16:32,805
All right,
I'll stay put,
426
00:16:32,807 --> 00:16:34,173
but I'm keeping
my mouth shut.
427
00:16:34,175 --> 00:16:37,260
No more jokes,
no more candy,
428
00:16:37,262 --> 00:16:39,312
no more Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles.
429
00:16:39,314 --> 00:16:41,047
Hey, are you guys
talking Ninja Turtles?
430
00:16:41,765 --> 00:16:43,516
I'm a huge TMNT fan.
431
00:16:43,518 --> 00:16:45,184
I grew up on those comic books.
432
00:16:45,186 --> 00:16:47,520
Me, too!
I was obsessed.
433
00:16:47,522 --> 00:16:49,605
Did you know that
the original comic debuted
434
00:16:49,607 --> 00:16:51,941
in 1984 at a convention
in New Hampshire?
435
00:16:51,943 --> 00:16:53,392
Uh, yes.
436
00:16:53,394 --> 00:16:55,561
Did you know that Eastman and
Laird always had their doubts
437
00:16:55,563 --> 00:16:56,996
about their characters
being commercialized?
438
00:16:56,998 --> 00:16:58,197
Yes!
439
00:16:58,199 --> 00:16:59,999
Did you know that the painting
on the back wall
440
00:17:00,001 --> 00:17:01,501
is inspired by Master Splinter?
441
00:17:02,453 --> 00:17:05,004
Oh, the one of the
rat doing karate.
442
00:17:05,006 --> 00:17:06,956
I see it now.
443
00:17:06,958 --> 00:17:08,124
Hey, I'm Strickland.
444
00:17:08,126 --> 00:17:09,575
Hey. Marshall.
445
00:17:09,577 --> 00:17:12,462
And this is my wife, Lily,
who, as a matter of fact,
446
00:17:12,464 --> 00:17:14,597
happens to represent one of
the biggest art collectors
447
00:17:14,599 --> 00:17:15,682
in New York City.
448
00:17:15,684 --> 00:17:16,966
I love your work.
449
00:17:16,968 --> 00:17:19,585
It's great to see you
getting some recognition.
450
00:17:19,587 --> 00:17:21,420
Thank you.
It's been a long haul.
451
00:17:21,422 --> 00:17:23,389
The first painting
I ever sold,
452
00:17:23,391 --> 00:17:26,476
I used the money
to get my car fixed.
453
00:17:26,478 --> 00:17:28,144
You might say...
454
00:17:28,146 --> 00:17:31,097
I used it to make my van go.
455
00:17:31,099 --> 00:17:32,398
(laughing):
That's...
456
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,283
(laughing)
457
00:17:34,285 --> 00:17:37,370
Um, a little something
called rigor mortis?
458
00:17:37,372 --> 00:17:38,771
Oh, come on.
459
00:17:38,773 --> 00:17:40,773
Are you really this
mad about a book?
460
00:17:40,775 --> 00:17:43,943
You really think that this
is just about a book, Barney?
461
00:17:44,745 --> 00:17:45,661
You lied to me.
462
00:17:45,663 --> 00:17:47,113
If we're gonna
be in a marriage
463
00:17:47,115 --> 00:17:49,582
and trust each other,
you can't lie to me ever.
464
00:17:49,584 --> 00:17:50,666
Really?
465
00:17:50,668 --> 00:17:52,118
Well, that's just great.
466
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:55,254
Because, in case you haven't
noticed these last eight years,
467
00:17:55,256 --> 00:17:57,390
lying is what I do best.
468
00:17:59,143 --> 00:18:00,459
I'm a magician, Robin.
469
00:18:00,461 --> 00:18:04,630
Misdirection and deceit
are my stock in trade.
470
00:18:04,632 --> 00:18:06,382
You don't want me
to lie to you?
471
00:18:06,384 --> 00:18:09,102
Lies are the reason
that we're together.
472
00:18:09,104 --> 00:18:10,970
Everything single
thing I did
473
00:18:10,972 --> 00:18:13,239
to get you to say yes
to me on that rooftop--
474
00:18:13,241 --> 00:18:15,575
Patrice, the false
engagement, everything--
475
00:18:15,577 --> 00:18:17,827
it was all utter malarkey.
476
00:18:17,829 --> 00:18:18,911
But...
477
00:18:18,913 --> 00:18:20,997
underneath all
of those lies
478
00:18:20,999 --> 00:18:23,199
is one true thing.
479
00:18:23,201 --> 00:18:26,202
One true thing
that can support the weight
480
00:18:26,204 --> 00:18:29,288
of all the lies
in the world, and...
481
00:18:29,290 --> 00:18:31,290
and that's the fact
that I love you.
482
00:18:31,292 --> 00:18:32,608
And you know
483
00:18:32,610 --> 00:18:34,177
that when I say that...
484
00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:35,678
I am not lying.
485
00:18:45,505 --> 00:18:46,689
Wha...
486
00:18:57,367 --> 00:18:58,868
Did you just unhook
my bra again?
487
00:18:58,870 --> 00:19:00,119
(Barney shushes)
488
00:19:00,121 --> 00:19:01,220
TED:
Jeanette,
489
00:19:01,222 --> 00:19:02,488
this is great.
490
00:19:02,490 --> 00:19:03,856
We're back together.
491
00:19:03,858 --> 00:19:06,542
You're coming to Barney
and Robin's wedding.
492
00:19:06,544 --> 00:19:09,495
I found two wine glasses
you didn't smash.
493
00:19:09,497 --> 00:19:11,547
Call me crazy,
but I've got a feeling,
494
00:19:11,549 --> 00:19:14,300
from here on out, it's gonna be
nothing but blue skies and...
495
00:19:14,302 --> 00:19:15,251
What...
496
00:19:15,253 --> 00:19:16,702
the hell...
497
00:19:16,704 --> 00:19:18,421
is this?!
498
00:19:19,306 --> 00:19:20,923
(cell phone chiming)
499
00:19:20,925 --> 00:19:22,058
Uh-oh.
500
00:19:22,060 --> 00:19:23,726
Check out this
text from Ted.
501
00:19:23,728 --> 00:19:25,595
(sighs)
502
00:19:29,166 --> 00:19:30,366
Oh, my...
503
00:19:30,368 --> 00:19:32,235
What the hell
happened here?
504
00:19:32,237 --> 00:19:34,403
Jeanette and I had
a little spat.
505
00:19:35,372 --> 00:19:36,489
(cuckoos)
506
00:19:36,491 --> 00:19:37,990
Would anyone like some wine?
507
00:19:37,992 --> 00:19:39,525
It's a nice Côtes du Rhône.
508
00:19:39,527 --> 00:19:41,027
Still needs to breathe a bit.
509
00:19:41,029 --> 00:19:43,496
You know what?
I got a decanter upstairs, so...
510
00:19:44,564 --> 00:19:47,233
We should just drink it now.
511
00:19:47,235 --> 00:19:48,501
JEANETTE:
And for
512
00:19:48,503 --> 00:19:49,702
the grand finale,
513
00:19:49,704 --> 00:19:51,237
I found your fireworks.
514
00:19:51,239 --> 00:19:53,372
Let's see what they do
to your precious Playbook!
515
00:19:53,374 --> 00:19:54,573
TED:
No!
516
00:19:54,575 --> 00:19:55,675
Jeanette, please,
517
00:19:55,677 --> 00:19:57,360
that's Barney's
life's work!
518
00:19:57,362 --> 00:19:58,744
BARNEY:
It's fine, Ted.
519
00:19:59,930 --> 00:20:01,264
Blow it up, Jeanette.
520
00:20:01,266 --> 00:20:05,685
♪ Put a candle in the window
521
00:20:09,139 --> 00:20:13,759
♪ 'Cause I feel
I've got to move ♪
522
00:20:17,231 --> 00:20:21,200
♪ Though I'm going, going
523
00:20:21,202 --> 00:20:24,453
♪ I'll be coming home soon
524
00:20:24,455 --> 00:20:28,291
♪ Long as I can see
the light... ♪
525
00:20:38,135 --> 00:20:39,969
Okay.
526
00:20:39,971 --> 00:20:42,471
No more dating.
527
00:20:42,473 --> 00:20:44,340
I'm ready to settle down.
528
00:20:44,342 --> 00:20:45,758
NARRATOR:
And, kids...
529
00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:47,176
for the first time in my life,
530
00:20:47,178 --> 00:20:48,678
I really meant it.
531
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:49,628
Oh!
532
00:20:49,630 --> 00:20:51,681
MARSHALL: Oh...
The boots...
533
00:20:51,683 --> 00:20:53,099
(laughing)
534
00:20:53,101 --> 00:20:54,400
(groans)
535
00:20:54,402 --> 00:20:59,402
== sync, corrected by elderman ==