1
00:00:02,047 --> 00:00:03,739
In the spring of 2013,
2
00:00:03,839 --> 00:00:05,305
Barney and Robin were
just weeks away
3
00:00:05,307 --> 00:00:06,523
from tying the knot.
4
00:00:06,525 --> 00:00:08,025
But there were still some
pretty big issues
5
00:00:08,027 --> 00:00:09,042
they hadn't agreed on.
6
00:00:09,044 --> 00:00:11,044
Adoption.
7
00:00:11,046 --> 00:00:12,196
I don't know.
8
00:00:12,198 --> 00:00:14,198
It's the only thing
that makes sense.
9
00:00:14,200 --> 00:00:15,199
I can't... I can't believe
10
00:00:15,201 --> 00:00:16,733
you're not open to it.
11
00:00:16,735 --> 00:00:18,986
Okay. Let's try it.
12
00:00:20,038 --> 00:00:22,706
Nope, it doesn't
work with 27 down.
13
00:00:24,075 --> 00:00:26,359
Hey, with the wedding so close,
14
00:00:26,361 --> 00:00:28,078
maybe we should talk about
15
00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:29,496
where we're going to live.
16
00:00:29,498 --> 00:00:30,831
Fine, enough.
17
00:00:30,833 --> 00:00:31,865
Stop begging.
18
00:00:31,867 --> 00:00:32,866
We'll live here.
19
00:00:32,868 --> 00:00:33,884
But you owe me.
20
00:00:33,886 --> 00:00:35,252
Yeah, I don't know...
21
00:00:35,254 --> 00:00:36,420
there's just a lot of things
22
00:00:36,422 --> 00:00:38,705
I don't totally love
about your apartment.
23
00:00:38,707 --> 00:00:40,057
Like what?
24
00:00:40,059 --> 00:00:42,042
Well, for example, why is
25
00:00:42,044 --> 00:00:44,845
your bed on what
look like train tracks?
26
00:00:45,848 --> 00:00:49,099
You were wonderful.
27
00:00:49,101 --> 00:00:52,719
Well, you don't get to be a
state-certified orgasmologist
28
00:00:52,721 --> 00:00:54,387
without learning
how to please a woman.
29
00:00:54,389 --> 00:00:56,690
You don't mind if I
spend the night, do you?
30
00:00:56,692 --> 00:00:58,659
Um, how else are we gonna
31
00:00:58,661 --> 00:01:00,694
get to know each other
on a deeper level?
32
00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:02,696
Excuse me, I just have
33
00:01:02,698 --> 00:01:05,249
to log tonight's orgasms
with the licensing board.
34
00:01:19,764 --> 00:01:22,132
The Ho-be-gone Sleep System
35
00:01:22,134 --> 00:01:24,268
by Stinson,
patent pending.
36
00:01:24,270 --> 00:01:26,887
What-what is on the
other side of the wall?
37
00:01:26,889 --> 00:01:28,088
Where do
the hos go?
38
00:01:28,090 --> 00:01:30,557
What am I, a contractor?
39
00:01:30,559 --> 00:01:33,477
We-we need to go
into this marriage
40
00:01:33,479 --> 00:01:35,479
with a fresh start.
41
00:01:35,481 --> 00:01:38,899
What do you say we
find a new place together?
42
00:01:38,901 --> 00:01:40,617
I love you.
43
00:01:40,619 --> 00:01:42,152
And if that will
make you happy,
44
00:01:42,154 --> 00:01:44,071
then let's do it.
45
00:01:47,158 --> 00:01:49,076
Wow, so we need to
find an apartment
46
00:01:49,078 --> 00:01:51,278
where I haven't
banged someone?
47
00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:52,852
How do you feel about
Cleveland?
48
00:01:52,877 --> 00:01:53,697
Ha, ha.
49
00:01:53,797 --> 00:01:55,283
Nope. Ted's mom.
50
00:01:55,762 --> 00:01:59,762
♪ How I Met Your Mother 8x19 ♪
The Fortress
Original Air Date on March 18, 2013
51
00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:04,787
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
52
00:02:08,846 --> 00:02:11,598
Shh...
53
00:02:14,151 --> 00:02:16,686
Nice job filling in for
Lily on Marvin's lullaby.
54
00:02:16,688 --> 00:02:19,472
Thanks, but I came in
early on the horsie.
55
00:02:19,474 --> 00:02:20,740
Stupid!
56
00:02:20,742 --> 00:02:24,728
No, you really nailed
all of Lily's parts.
57
00:02:24,730 --> 00:02:27,247
It's been three
weeks since I have.
58
00:02:27,249 --> 00:02:30,333
I barely see her anymore
'cause of this new job.
59
00:02:31,535 --> 00:02:32,737
Well, you know what
might cheer you up?
60
00:02:32,762 --> 00:02:33,587
Hmm?
61
00:02:33,588 --> 00:02:36,840
There's a new Woodworthy
Manor on tonight.
62
00:02:36,842 --> 00:02:38,224
Woodworthy Manor
63
00:02:38,226 --> 00:02:39,726
was a show about an upper class
English estate
64
00:02:39,728 --> 00:02:42,395
at the beginning
of the 20th century.
65
00:02:42,397 --> 00:02:44,631
My word!
You can't possibly mean...
66
00:02:44,633 --> 00:02:45,832
But I do!
67
00:02:45,834 --> 00:02:47,217
With the succession
of Lady Eastbrooke
68
00:02:47,219 --> 00:02:48,935
to Viscountess of Marlyemead,
69
00:02:48,937 --> 00:02:50,670
our cousin Baldrick becomes...
70
00:02:50,672 --> 00:02:52,739
the Earl of Witherstead.
The Earl of Witherstead!
71
00:02:52,741 --> 00:02:56,175
I only posted that prediction
15 times on the forums!
72
00:02:56,177 --> 00:02:57,444
No, I can't.
73
00:02:57,446 --> 00:02:59,696
I promised Lily that I would
wait and watch it with her.
74
00:02:59,698 --> 00:03:01,698
Problem is,
the Captain.
75
00:03:01,700 --> 00:03:04,451
Lily had just started
a job as the art consultant
76
00:03:04,453 --> 00:03:06,686
for an eccentric billionaire,
the Captain.
77
00:03:07,856 --> 00:03:10,189
Oh.
78
00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:11,324
Ahoy.
79
00:03:11,326 --> 00:03:12,909
There's a hot new artist
in Red Hook.
80
00:03:12,911 --> 00:03:13,960
He's molded
81
00:03:13,962 --> 00:03:15,795
world currency into a sculpture
82
00:03:15,797 --> 00:03:17,580
of a soulless plutocrat
83
00:03:17,582 --> 00:03:18,915
defecating on the poor.
84
00:03:18,917 --> 00:03:20,884
A scathing indictment
of capitalism.
85
00:03:20,886 --> 00:03:22,335
I'll go as high as $200K
86
00:03:22,337 --> 00:03:24,554
as long as you think I can flip
it for double in six months.
87
00:03:24,556 --> 00:03:25,672
Aye, aye, Cap'n.
88
00:03:25,674 --> 00:03:27,006
Sorry.
89
00:03:33,731 --> 00:03:34,931
Ahoy.
90
00:03:34,933 --> 00:03:36,883
here's this
gorgeously delicate
91
00:03:36,885 --> 00:03:38,151
impressionist still life,
92
00:03:38,153 --> 00:03:39,986
reminiscent of
Monet's water lilies.
93
00:03:39,988 --> 00:03:40,770
Where is it?
94
00:03:40,772 --> 00:03:42,105
Rikers Island.
95
00:03:42,107 --> 00:03:44,557
The artist is serving
two consecutive life sentences
96
00:03:44,559 --> 00:03:45,859
for aggravated homicide.
97
00:03:45,861 --> 00:03:47,494
I'm willing to go as high as
98
00:03:47,496 --> 00:03:48,828
six cartons of cigarettes
99
00:03:48,830 --> 00:03:50,914
and a jug of toilet wine.
100
00:03:50,916 --> 00:03:52,081
Is it a strain,
101
00:03:52,083 --> 00:03:53,566
feeling like a
single dad at times?
102
00:03:53,568 --> 00:03:54,784
Sure, but
Lily's been
103
00:03:54,786 --> 00:03:56,336
busting her butt
at this new job.
104
00:03:56,338 --> 00:03:58,237
It's not like she's been
out there partying.
105
00:03:58,239 --> 00:03:59,672
Man, I'm 'faced.
106
00:03:59,674 --> 00:04:02,241
I ate a ton
of caviar,
107
00:04:02,243 --> 00:04:03,843
but it soaked up none
of the champagne.
108
00:04:03,845 --> 00:04:05,595
- Mondays, right?
- Yeah.
109
00:04:06,547 --> 00:04:08,181
When did you
get glasses?
110
00:04:08,183 --> 00:04:09,465
Oh...
111
00:04:09,467 --> 00:04:11,935
you mean my
glare reduction lunettes.
112
00:04:11,937 --> 00:04:13,937
Yeah.
They help me discern genius
113
00:04:13,939 --> 00:04:15,421
from pretentious crap.
114
00:04:15,423 --> 00:04:16,639
Too bad you weren't
wearing those glasses
115
00:04:16,641 --> 00:04:18,107
when you bought
those glasses.
116
00:04:19,059 --> 00:04:20,727
Well, listen,
baby, I-I'm just
117
00:04:20,729 --> 00:04:21,878
happy to see you.
118
00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:23,095
And if you're not too tired,
119
00:04:23,097 --> 00:04:25,949
maybe we could watch
Woodworthy Manor tonight.
120
00:04:25,951 --> 00:04:26,816
I'd love to.
121
00:04:26,818 --> 00:04:28,034
Great! Because I've come up
122
00:04:28,036 --> 00:04:29,652
with a fun little game.
123
00:04:29,654 --> 00:04:30,787
I made figgy pudding
124
00:04:30,789 --> 00:04:32,422
and I put it in shot glasses.
125
00:04:32,424 --> 00:04:33,940
And every time they say,
126
00:04:33,942 --> 00:04:36,075
"The dowager will be
less than pleased,"
127
00:04:36,077 --> 00:04:37,160
you have to...
128
00:04:37,162 --> 00:04:38,912
Oh.
129
00:04:38,914 --> 00:04:39,913
Ugh...
130
00:04:39,915 --> 00:04:41,214
Ahoy.
131
00:04:41,216 --> 00:04:43,249
A seven-foot-tall
cross-dressing Cambodian
132
00:04:43,251 --> 00:04:44,801
is throwing glitter
and fish guts
133
00:04:44,803 --> 00:04:46,169
at a billboard on the B.Q.E.
134
00:04:46,171 --> 00:04:48,671
So he's some sort of
conceptual painter?
135
00:04:48,673 --> 00:04:50,557
No, no, just a crazy person
on the local news.
136
00:04:50,559 --> 00:04:51,808
I thought you might
have a laugh.
137
00:04:51,810 --> 00:04:53,593
You're off the clock, relax.
138
00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:56,980
I must own it.
139
00:04:56,982 --> 00:04:59,432
Aye, aye, Cap'n.
140
00:05:00,985 --> 00:05:03,653
Hey, did you find a Realtor
to sell this place yet?
141
00:05:03,655 --> 00:05:06,155
Robin, a Realtor's
just gonna
142
00:05:06,157 --> 00:05:07,807
give it to the highest bidder.
143
00:05:07,809 --> 00:05:10,076
I need this place to go
to someone worthy.
144
00:05:10,078 --> 00:05:12,478
And I've made some inquiries.
145
00:05:15,233 --> 00:05:17,333
Barney?
146
00:05:17,335 --> 00:05:19,819
My son.
147
00:05:19,821 --> 00:05:22,538
Barney, enough
with the floating Jor-El head
148
00:05:22,540 --> 00:05:25,041
from the Fortress of Solitude in
Superman, okay?
149
00:05:25,043 --> 00:05:26,175
It's getting old.
150
00:05:26,177 --> 00:05:30,013
I only use it to say
really important stuff.
151
00:05:30,015 --> 00:05:31,631
Last time you used it to tell me
152
00:05:31,633 --> 00:05:34,601
Wendy's had introduced a spicy
version of "The Baconator."
153
00:05:34,603 --> 00:05:37,020
Exactly.
154
00:05:38,188 --> 00:05:40,172
And now, my son...
155
00:05:40,174 --> 00:05:43,309
it is time for me
to bestow on you...
156
00:05:43,311 --> 00:05:45,695
Can we just talk face-to-face
like normal people?
157
00:05:45,697 --> 00:05:47,697
Ted, just...
158
00:05:47,699 --> 00:05:49,015
just...
159
00:05:49,017 --> 00:05:51,367
okay?
160
00:05:51,369 --> 00:05:53,069
My son,
161
00:05:53,071 --> 00:05:56,355
it is time for me
to bestow on you...
162
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:00,660
Close the door.
163
00:06:00,662 --> 00:06:01,628
No. This is...
164
00:06:01,630 --> 00:06:03,195
Oh, my God,
can you just be cool?
165
00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:04,864
Once? Please?
166
00:06:04,866 --> 00:06:06,382
Just once?
167
00:06:06,384 --> 00:06:08,551
Can you just once be cool?
168
00:06:08,553 --> 00:06:09,836
Once?
169
00:06:09,838 --> 00:06:11,537
Please?
170
00:06:17,027 --> 00:06:18,594
My son...
171
00:06:18,596 --> 00:06:19,979
for many years
172
00:06:19,981 --> 00:06:24,600
this apartment has been
my Fortress of Barnitude.
173
00:06:24,602 --> 00:06:26,736
But now the time has come
174
00:06:26,738 --> 00:06:28,354
for me to pass it on.
175
00:06:29,073 --> 00:06:32,058
Soon, this place will become
176
00:06:32,060 --> 00:06:35,394
your "Fortress of Soli-Ted."
177
00:06:35,396 --> 00:06:36,729
Barney,
I wouldn't
178
00:06:36,731 --> 00:06:39,198
live here even if you scrubbed
every inch of this place
179
00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:41,484
with Purell, amoxicillin
and holy water.
180
00:06:43,171 --> 00:06:44,537
Fine.
181
00:06:44,539 --> 00:06:46,405
But I think we can both agree,
182
00:06:46,407 --> 00:06:49,008
it would be totally awesome
to see my deal
183
00:06:49,010 --> 00:06:51,961
floating around all huge-like
on the big Jor-El cam.
184
00:06:51,963 --> 00:06:53,763
Hold on.
185
00:06:53,765 --> 00:06:56,632
Now, it's a little cold
here in the Fortress,
186
00:06:56,634 --> 00:06:57,633
so don't judge...
187
00:06:57,635 --> 00:06:58,751
Ted, wait.
188
00:06:58,753 --> 00:07:00,386
What did you...
189
00:07:00,388 --> 00:07:02,772
That's... okay,
that's not funny.
190
00:07:02,774 --> 00:07:03,773
Ted, open the...
191
00:07:03,775 --> 00:07:06,025
Uh... walls closing in.
192
00:07:06,027 --> 00:07:07,694
I can't... can't breathe.
193
00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:10,262
Must...
194
00:07:10,264 --> 00:07:12,365
show deal...
195
00:07:12,367 --> 00:07:14,317
on Jor-El cam...
196
00:07:14,319 --> 00:07:15,601
I...
197
00:07:17,055 --> 00:07:18,905
Oh, well, guess I'm keeping this
place forever, good night.
198
00:07:18,907 --> 00:07:20,606
Wait a... wait a
minute, that's it?
199
00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:22,492
Ted wasn't interested
in buying your apartment,
200
00:07:22,494 --> 00:07:24,160
so you just gave up?
201
00:07:24,162 --> 00:07:26,445
Barney, I
gave up my
202
00:07:26,447 --> 00:07:27,830
beautiful two-bedroom apartment
203
00:07:27,832 --> 00:07:29,716
on the Upper West Side
that was rent-free
204
00:07:29,718 --> 00:07:32,618
and the landlord hand-washed
all my delicates.
205
00:07:32,620 --> 00:07:34,921
Which is probably why
it was rent-free.
206
00:07:34,923 --> 00:07:36,506
The point is,
207
00:07:36,508 --> 00:07:37,957
I need to buy all new underwear,
208
00:07:37,959 --> 00:07:40,893
and you agreed that we would
find a new place together.
209
00:07:40,895 --> 00:07:42,128
Oh, God, Barney,
210
00:07:42,130 --> 00:07:45,131
relationships are about
trust and compromise.
211
00:07:45,133 --> 00:07:46,315
You can't just...
212
00:07:46,317 --> 00:07:47,600
Oh, you are so dead.
213
00:07:47,602 --> 00:07:49,152
If I ever figure
a way out of here,
214
00:07:49,154 --> 00:07:50,770
I will make your
life a living...
215
00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:53,973
Lily and I really
need this night out.
216
00:07:53,975 --> 00:07:55,992
A big fancy dinner
and the ballet.
217
00:07:55,994 --> 00:07:57,827
Thank you so much
for babysitting.
218
00:07:57,829 --> 00:07:59,996
Hey, three bucks an hour,
thank you.
219
00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,484
Oh, hey, baby.
220
00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:06,819
Yeah, I'm just on my way out.
221
00:08:06,821 --> 00:08:08,704
If you get there before...
222
00:08:08,706 --> 00:08:10,173
Come on, really?
223
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,593
I'll see you later.
224
00:08:13,595 --> 00:08:15,445
Captain?
225
00:08:15,447 --> 00:08:16,796
I'm sorry, dude.
But, hey,
226
00:08:16,798 --> 00:08:18,014
look at it
this way:
227
00:08:18,016 --> 00:08:19,966
now you don't have
to go to the ballet.
228
00:08:19,968 --> 00:08:21,267
Get your head out
of your ass, Ted.
229
00:08:21,269 --> 00:08:22,769
There was
no ballet.
230
00:08:22,771 --> 00:08:24,691
We were gonna sneak into
your apartment and bang.
231
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:27,273
Well, you know
what might
232
00:08:27,275 --> 00:08:29,308
take both our
minds off that?
233
00:08:29,310 --> 00:08:31,360
A little, uh...
234
00:08:31,362 --> 00:08:33,179
Woodworthy Manor.
235
00:08:35,032 --> 00:08:36,315
No, I-I-I can't.
236
00:08:36,317 --> 00:08:37,450
I-I promised Lily
237
00:08:37,452 --> 00:08:38,785
that I would wait
and watch it with her.
238
00:08:38,787 --> 00:08:40,319
And I feel like I'd
be cheating on her.
239
00:08:40,321 --> 00:08:42,455
Sure, sure, sure,
sure, I get all that.
240
00:08:42,457 --> 00:08:44,457
It's just, um...
241
00:08:44,459 --> 00:08:47,243
You know, tonight they're
gonna finally reveal
242
00:08:47,245 --> 00:08:49,378
who framed the
chimney sweep
243
00:08:49,380 --> 00:08:52,799
for stealing
Lord Stoutshire's gooseberries.
244
00:08:54,168 --> 00:08:55,334
And reveal
the winner of
245
00:08:55,336 --> 00:08:57,587
the local gardening
competition.
246
00:08:57,589 --> 00:08:58,888
I don't know how
they're going to pack
247
00:08:58,890 --> 00:09:00,756
all that action
into one episode.
248
00:09:06,815 --> 00:09:08,981
Oops.
249
00:09:10,717 --> 00:09:11,884
No, Ted,
you know
250
00:09:11,886 --> 00:09:14,320
I promised Lily, I...
Shh, shh, shh.
251
00:09:14,322 --> 00:09:16,322
Just let
it happen.
252
00:09:16,324 --> 00:09:18,741
Later that week,
Barney came home to discover
253
00:09:18,743 --> 00:09:21,577
that Robin had a little
surprise waiting for him.
254
00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:25,665
Wha...?
255
00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:28,668
Mimosas?
Mm-hmm.
256
00:09:28,670 --> 00:09:31,704
Freshly-baked cookie smell?
257
00:09:31,706 --> 00:09:34,240
A middle-aged woman
in a red blazer?
258
00:09:34,242 --> 00:09:36,575
I see what this is.
259
00:09:36,577 --> 00:09:39,045
You finally green-lit
my orgy idea!
260
00:09:39,047 --> 00:09:40,246
Okay.
261
00:09:40,248 --> 00:09:42,048
It's an open
house, Barney.
262
00:09:42,050 --> 00:09:44,550
Say good-bye to
your fortress.
263
00:09:44,552 --> 00:09:46,769
If we weren't about
to have an orgy,
264
00:09:46,771 --> 00:09:48,587
I'd be so mad at you right now.
265
00:09:53,143 --> 00:09:54,583
If you'll follow me
into the bedroom,
266
00:09:54,644 --> 00:09:56,593
I'll show you some
beautiful woodwork.
267
00:09:56,595 --> 00:09:59,270
I am way too upset right now
to point out how many women
268
00:09:59,322 --> 00:10:00,771
have seen some beautiful
woodwork in there.
269
00:10:00,773 --> 00:10:02,289
Angry self five!
270
00:10:02,291 --> 00:10:03,290
Rah!
271
00:10:03,292 --> 00:10:04,492
Robin,
272
00:10:04,494 --> 00:10:05,893
I did not agree to this.
273
00:10:05,895 --> 00:10:06,994
Yes, you did.
274
00:10:06,996 --> 00:10:08,996
That is why I gave up
my apartment.
275
00:10:08,998 --> 00:10:11,782
Not so I could live in
a disease-riddled bang pad
276
00:10:11,784 --> 00:10:13,834
haunted by the ghosts
of your ex-skanks.
277
00:10:15,337 --> 00:10:17,938
The bathrooms are
Italian marble.
278
00:10:19,141 --> 00:10:20,774
Hello, old bean.
279
00:10:20,776 --> 00:10:22,209
Jolly good
evening, isn't it?
280
00:10:22,211 --> 00:10:23,277
What are you
doing here?
281
00:10:23,279 --> 00:10:25,796
And why do you
sound like Madonna?
282
00:10:25,798 --> 00:10:27,297
Uh, Robin asked us all
to come here and pretend
283
00:10:27,299 --> 00:10:28,632
that we are
prospective buyers
284
00:10:28,634 --> 00:10:29,600
who love this
apartment.
285
00:10:29,602 --> 00:10:31,352
And inspired
by a character
286
00:10:31,354 --> 00:10:33,637
on Woodworthy Manor,
I've decided to play
287
00:10:33,639 --> 00:10:35,356
Emsbry Postlethwaite,
288
00:10:35,358 --> 00:10:36,440
a handsome
cricket player
289
00:10:36,442 --> 00:10:39,276
who secretly
hates his life.
290
00:10:39,278 --> 00:10:40,945
You don't have to
be a cricket player.
291
00:10:40,947 --> 00:10:42,530
Tell that to
Emsbry's father.
292
00:10:42,532 --> 00:10:43,864
Sorry!
293
00:10:43,866 --> 00:10:45,416
Oh...
294
00:10:45,418 --> 00:10:48,202
I was checking out some
mole people's graffiti art
295
00:10:48,204 --> 00:10:50,171
and my cape got caught
on the F train.
296
00:10:50,173 --> 00:10:51,172
Oh.
297
00:10:51,174 --> 00:10:52,423
Bisou bisou.
298
00:10:53,291 --> 00:10:55,659
Oh, what a
cute baby.
299
00:10:55,661 --> 00:10:56,710
What's his name?
300
00:10:56,712 --> 00:10:57,828
Marvin.
301
00:10:57,830 --> 00:10:58,779
For my father.
302
00:10:58,781 --> 00:11:00,497
Oh, that's
so sweet.
303
00:11:00,499 --> 00:11:02,216
Have you two been looking
at a lot of places
304
00:11:02,218 --> 00:11:03,217
in this neighborhood?
305
00:11:03,219 --> 00:11:04,518
Oh, actually
they're not...
306
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:06,887
Yes, we have.
307
00:11:06,889 --> 00:11:08,338
What?
308
00:11:08,340 --> 00:11:12,226
My husband Emsbry
and I just love this area.
309
00:11:12,228 --> 00:11:14,845
I'm a cricket player who
secretly hates his life.
310
00:11:15,731 --> 00:11:17,648
What are you doing?
311
00:11:17,650 --> 00:11:19,817
Well, you were
late yet again,
312
00:11:19,819 --> 00:11:21,702
and so I'm gonna do this
little scene study with Ted.
313
00:11:21,704 --> 00:11:24,121
Why? Because he's
there for me.
314
00:11:25,874 --> 00:11:27,658
Pretending you're married?
315
00:11:27,660 --> 00:11:30,494
That's going a little far
to prove your point, isn't it?
316
00:11:30,496 --> 00:11:32,963
Excuse me, but I think
it's offensive to suggest
317
00:11:32,965 --> 00:11:35,916
the only reason gay people get
married is to prove a point.
318
00:11:35,918 --> 00:11:38,201
No, no, no, no, no.
319
00:11:38,203 --> 00:11:39,753
I didn't...
that's not what I...
320
00:11:39,755 --> 00:11:41,171
Thank you, sister--
somebody needs
321
00:11:41,173 --> 00:11:44,008
to get this lady's mind
a rearview mirror
322
00:11:44,010 --> 00:11:46,877
because she is thinking in reverse.
Mm-hmm.
323
00:11:49,898 --> 00:11:51,565
Hate is a four-letter word.
324
00:11:51,567 --> 00:11:53,550
I didn't... I voted for...
325
00:11:57,072 --> 00:11:58,739
Oh, is this part
of a security system?
326
00:11:58,741 --> 00:11:59,940
Sort of.
327
00:11:59,942 --> 00:12:02,225
It's connected
to the welcome mat. You see...
328
00:12:02,227 --> 00:12:04,111
Let's say the young lady
you're bringing home
329
00:12:04,113 --> 00:12:05,412
is dressed for winter.
330
00:12:05,414 --> 00:12:06,664
Under those layers,
331
00:12:06,666 --> 00:12:08,065
an unwelcome surprise
could await you.
332
00:12:08,067 --> 00:12:10,251
The scale
with body fat calculator
333
00:12:10,253 --> 00:12:12,453
I've hidden
under the welcome mat
334
00:12:12,455 --> 00:12:15,072
makes sure you never
have banger's remorse.
335
00:12:15,074 --> 00:12:17,124
The Heavy Set Go
336
00:12:17,126 --> 00:12:18,709
by Stinson, patent pending.
337
00:12:18,711 --> 00:12:21,629
'Cause there's only one kind of
chubby you want in the bedroom.
338
00:12:21,631 --> 00:12:23,080
Am I right, people?
339
00:12:23,082 --> 00:12:26,267
This guy knows what
I'm talking about.
340
00:12:26,269 --> 00:12:30,087
I don't want to tell you
and Emsbry how to raise
341
00:12:30,089 --> 00:12:33,023
your child, but I think
if you keep letting him nap,
342
00:12:33,025 --> 00:12:34,141
he's gonna be up all night.
343
00:12:34,143 --> 00:12:36,277
Funny, you sound
like someone who's been
344
00:12:36,279 --> 00:12:38,145
around for his bedtime lately.
345
00:12:38,147 --> 00:12:40,731
Uh, can somebody get
this lady a storefront
346
00:12:40,733 --> 00:12:43,433
'cause she needs to mind
her own business, mm-kay?
347
00:12:44,570 --> 00:12:45,986
Would you stop it?
348
00:12:45,988 --> 00:12:48,539
Oh, right, right,
because it's a choice.
349
00:12:49,991 --> 00:12:51,792
You know what's
not a choice?
350
00:12:51,794 --> 00:12:53,294
Being gay for this kitchen.
351
00:12:54,329 --> 00:12:56,413
That came out wrong--
the point is,
352
00:12:56,415 --> 00:12:58,666
let's focus on this
awesome apartment.
353
00:12:58,668 --> 00:13:00,134
You're right.
354
00:13:00,136 --> 00:13:02,970
Look at that fabulous
plasma television.
355
00:13:02,972 --> 00:13:06,223
My ex-husband, who never
supported my career,
356
00:13:06,225 --> 00:13:07,374
would love
357
00:13:07,376 --> 00:13:10,894
to watch the Vikings
never win a Super Bowl
358
00:13:10,896 --> 00:13:12,680
in franchise history
on that thing.
359
00:13:12,682 --> 00:13:14,932
How dare you.
Don't let her push your buttons.
360
00:13:15,633 --> 00:13:17,318
Right.
361
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:21,105
I don't care about football.
362
00:13:21,107 --> 00:13:22,690
I'm more of a...
363
00:13:22,692 --> 00:13:24,307
Woodworthy Manor fan.
364
00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:27,911
I very much enjoyed watching it
the other night.
365
00:13:28,698 --> 00:13:29,997
With Emsbry.
366
00:13:29,999 --> 00:13:31,148
Oh, you didn't.
367
00:13:31,150 --> 00:13:32,700
Yeah, oh, yeah.
368
00:13:32,702 --> 00:13:34,501
I know who
deliberately overwatered
369
00:13:34,503 --> 00:13:36,337
Lady Chillsbury's
prize-winning roses.
370
00:13:36,339 --> 00:13:38,872
They have been building
to that reveal all season,
371
00:13:38,874 --> 00:13:40,791
Marshall, don't you tell me...
372
00:13:40,793 --> 00:13:43,427
It was Parson Smallsby.
373
00:13:46,264 --> 00:13:48,849
Wow, great view.
374
00:13:48,851 --> 00:13:49,850
And customizable.
375
00:13:49,852 --> 00:13:50,884
Let's say you promised a girl
376
00:13:50,886 --> 00:13:52,002
a surprise trip
377
00:13:52,004 --> 00:13:54,171
to the most
romantic place on Earth.
378
00:13:54,173 --> 00:13:56,357
No peeking.
379
00:13:56,359 --> 00:13:58,642
Wow, we must've gone far.
380
00:13:58,644 --> 00:14:02,162
We were on your private jet
for, like, six hours.
381
00:14:02,164 --> 00:14:03,480
Well,
382
00:14:03,482 --> 00:14:05,149
You definitely weren't
on a bus to Delaware
383
00:14:05,151 --> 00:14:07,350
and back wearing earplugs,
I'll tell you that much.
384
00:14:07,352 --> 00:14:09,453
And I think you'll agree
it was worth the wait
385
00:14:09,455 --> 00:14:11,354
once you see the view.
386
00:14:11,356 --> 00:14:13,207
Et voila ma chérie.
387
00:14:15,994 --> 00:14:18,361
Oh, my God.
388
00:14:18,363 --> 00:14:20,414
You flew me to Vegas?
389
00:14:20,416 --> 00:14:22,916
It's, um... it's Par...
390
00:14:22,918 --> 00:14:24,885
Well, hey, whatever works,
whatever...
391
00:14:24,887 --> 00:14:27,054
The Room With a Screw
392
00:14:27,056 --> 00:14:28,839
by Stinson, patent pending.
393
00:14:29,674 --> 00:14:30,674
I know what
you're trying to do.
394
00:14:30,676 --> 00:14:31,759
You're trying
to drive people away.
395
00:14:31,761 --> 00:14:33,010
No, I'm not--
I'm just trying
396
00:14:33,012 --> 00:14:34,678
to show off all of its
one-of-a-kind features.
397
00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:37,380
See, see, there's
also, uh, Venice.
398
00:14:38,433 --> 00:14:41,151
Niagara Falls,
399
00:14:41,153 --> 00:14:43,720
African safari.
400
00:14:43,722 --> 00:14:44,688
Oh...
401
00:14:44,690 --> 00:14:46,023
and my favorite...
402
00:14:48,943 --> 00:14:50,244
Huh?
403
00:14:50,246 --> 00:14:52,079
Nothing gets a girl to
go from "on the fenc""
404
00:14:52,081 --> 00:14:53,864
to "on all fours" faster
than thinking
405
00:14:53,866 --> 00:14:56,950
everyone she's ever held dear
is a glowing pile of ash.
406
00:14:56,952 --> 00:14:58,919
Mushroom cloud five.
407
00:15:03,792 --> 00:15:06,260
I love you accent.
408
00:15:06,262 --> 00:15:07,678
Thank you.
409
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:09,079
I practiced it all morning.
410
00:15:10,099 --> 00:15:11,414
You are adorable.
411
00:15:11,416 --> 00:15:12,466
Well...
412
00:15:12,468 --> 00:15:14,584
That Marshall's a lucky man.
413
00:15:14,586 --> 00:15:16,186
Well, aren't you ducky?
414
00:15:16,188 --> 00:15:18,088
Seriously if you were straight,
415
00:15:18,090 --> 00:15:20,257
I'd be all over you.
416
00:15:21,292 --> 00:15:22,559
Huh.
417
00:15:23,728 --> 00:15:25,112
What's this?
418
00:15:25,114 --> 00:15:25,979
Oh, God.
419
00:15:25,981 --> 00:15:27,781
Only the best thing ever.
420
00:15:27,783 --> 00:15:30,284
Let's say you had a wonderful
night with a girl, but now
421
00:15:30,286 --> 00:15:33,770
she's turning into a bit
of a morning-after pill.
422
00:15:41,830 --> 00:15:43,780
See? We need to
extend the chute
423
00:15:43,782 --> 00:15:46,049
and add a landing spot.
424
00:15:46,051 --> 00:15:48,669
And you said testing it with
a dummy was a waste of time.
425
00:15:48,671 --> 00:15:52,723
No, I said "dressing the dummy"
was a waste of time.
426
00:15:52,725 --> 00:15:54,508
The Escape From Bitch Mountain
427
00:15:54,510 --> 00:15:56,193
by Stinson, patent pending.
Okay.
428
00:15:56,195 --> 00:15:57,594
He's kidding,
it's just, you know,
429
00:15:57,596 --> 00:15:58,762
in case of fire.
430
00:15:58,764 --> 00:16:00,630
No, but I'm glad
you mentioned fire.
431
00:16:00,632 --> 00:16:03,100
See those smoke
detectors?
432
00:16:04,135 --> 00:16:05,352
Say these words.
433
00:16:06,938 --> 00:16:09,306
"I'm looking for
a deeper commitment."
434
00:16:10,693 --> 00:16:14,361
It's also triggered by "I'm too
tired," "Let's snuggle,"
435
00:16:14,363 --> 00:16:15,696
and "I'm a week late."
436
00:16:15,698 --> 00:16:17,314
Barney, I'm getting wet.
437
00:16:17,316 --> 00:16:21,151
And that turns it off.
438
00:16:21,153 --> 00:16:22,485
Look, just stop talking.
439
00:16:22,487 --> 00:16:24,037
We've made up our minds.
440
00:16:24,039 --> 00:16:25,789
Oh, well,
thanks for taking a look.
441
00:16:25,791 --> 00:16:26,874
I'll walk you out.
442
00:16:26,876 --> 00:16:28,709
We'll take it.
443
00:16:28,711 --> 00:16:31,211
If you never get a black light,
you'll be so happy here.
444
00:16:31,213 --> 00:16:33,130
Yes, yes!
445
00:16:33,132 --> 00:16:34,131
Yes, yes.
446
00:16:38,603 --> 00:16:40,837
Trouble in paradise?
447
00:16:47,511 --> 00:16:50,013
We have a child together.
448
00:16:56,351 --> 00:16:59,306
I can't believe you watched
Woodworthy Manor without me.
449
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:02,078
I can't believe
that you're mad at me.
450
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:05,031
I've been abandoned by my wife
and my gay companion.
451
00:17:05,033 --> 00:17:07,533
If I get blinded in one eye
by a badminton shuttlecock,
452
00:17:07,535 --> 00:17:09,035
you might as well
call me Lord Esterbrooke.
453
00:17:10,038 --> 00:17:11,153
You watched the new one
without me?
454
00:17:11,155 --> 00:17:13,923
Betrayal stings,
doesn't it, Emsbry?
455
00:17:15,292 --> 00:17:16,425
Hey.
456
00:17:16,427 --> 00:17:17,476
Hey.
Listen.
457
00:17:17,478 --> 00:17:18,761
I...
No, me first.
458
00:17:19,630 --> 00:17:20,630
I've been thinking
459
00:17:20,632 --> 00:17:22,098
and I realized something.
460
00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:24,333
The Fortress of Solitude is
461
00:17:24,335 --> 00:17:26,168
where Superman went to be alone.
462
00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:28,521
And I never want
to be alone again.
463
00:17:28,523 --> 00:17:31,557
Thank you, Barney,
that really...
464
00:17:31,559 --> 00:17:33,609
But then I remembered
in Superman II,
465
00:17:33,611 --> 00:17:36,362
Superman gave up all his powers
to be with Lois Lane,
466
00:17:36,364 --> 00:17:38,231
and he was honestly kind of
a vag after that.
467
00:17:38,233 --> 00:17:40,015
Oh, buddy,
just quit while...
468
00:17:40,017 --> 00:17:41,234
Now, Superman III was
469
00:17:41,236 --> 00:17:42,568
a complete train wreck totally.
470
00:17:42,570 --> 00:17:43,619
What's your point?
471
00:17:43,621 --> 00:17:44,620
That...
472
00:17:44,622 --> 00:17:46,188
that I love you.
473
00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:48,190
And...
474
00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:50,710
I'm giving up
my apartment for you.
475
00:17:50,712 --> 00:17:54,964
And that the Superman films
are uneven.
476
00:17:56,416 --> 00:17:58,868
I really appreciate
that, Barney, but...
477
00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:00,202
after you left...
478
00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:02,922
Congrats. You guys are getting
a fantastic apartment.
479
00:18:02,924 --> 00:18:06,392
I mean, I know some of the
features are a little weird.
480
00:18:06,394 --> 00:18:07,927
A little?
481
00:18:08,645 --> 00:18:09,679
We're gonna rip
this thing
482
00:18:09,681 --> 00:18:11,013
down to the studs.
483
00:18:11,015 --> 00:18:12,765
I get it.
484
00:18:12,767 --> 00:18:15,434
But, I mean, some things
might be worth saving.
485
00:18:15,436 --> 00:18:17,687
I don't see any.
No.
486
00:18:17,689 --> 00:18:19,989
You don't see any?
487
00:18:20,691 --> 00:18:22,024
Sure some of the stuff in here
488
00:18:22,026 --> 00:18:24,360
is creepy,
but it's also brilliant.
489
00:18:24,362 --> 00:18:26,028
I mean, a lot
490
00:18:26,030 --> 00:18:27,663
of geniuses were kind of pervy.
491
00:18:27,665 --> 00:18:29,615
Look at Thomas Edison--
why do you think
492
00:18:29,617 --> 00:18:31,167
that lightbulbs are boob-shaped?
493
00:18:31,169 --> 00:18:33,786
Yeah, we're taking
a wrecking ball to this place
494
00:18:33,788 --> 00:18:37,406
and turning it into something
actually fit for humans.
495
00:18:39,460 --> 00:18:40,793
Excuse me.
496
00:18:47,402 --> 00:18:48,768
Get out!
497
00:18:48,770 --> 00:18:51,938
The Fortress of Barnitude
is no longer for sale.
498
00:18:51,940 --> 00:18:54,390
Also your husband has
been staring at my ass
499
00:18:54,392 --> 00:18:58,027
all afternoon so don't
act all high-and-mighty.
500
00:18:58,029 --> 00:18:59,762
You turned them down?
501
00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:03,399
Yeah. If I ask you to change
too many things about yourself,
502
00:19:03,401 --> 00:19:06,535
you're not gonna be the man
I fell in love with.
503
00:19:06,537 --> 00:19:07,720
Turns out,
504
00:19:07,722 --> 00:19:09,572
I accept and appreciate
505
00:19:09,574 --> 00:19:11,607
even the grossest, creepiest,
506
00:19:11,609 --> 00:19:14,076
most sociopathic parts of you.
507
00:19:15,246 --> 00:19:18,714
Sounds like somebody
just wrote her vows.
508
00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:21,717
Mm.
509
00:19:22,953 --> 00:19:24,286
It's the Captain.
510
00:19:25,455 --> 00:19:26,555
Ahoy.
511
00:19:26,557 --> 00:19:28,290
There's a zebra
at the Central Park Zoo
512
00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:30,593
who's got quite a keen hoof
at photography.
513
00:19:30,595 --> 00:19:32,795
Ironically, he's great
with color. Now...
514
00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:36,015
Captain, I'll check it
out, just not tonight.
515
00:19:36,017 --> 00:19:38,901
I need to spend some
time with my husband.
516
00:19:38,903 --> 00:19:41,303
You sure?
517
00:19:41,305 --> 00:19:43,806
I know it's been tough,
me working this much,
518
00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:46,659
and I guess I went
a little overboard
519
00:19:46,661 --> 00:19:47,976
with the whole artsy thing.
520
00:19:47,978 --> 00:19:49,245
I know.
521
00:19:49,247 --> 00:19:50,413
The cape.
522
00:19:50,415 --> 00:19:51,530
What about my cape?
523
00:19:51,532 --> 00:19:52,648
I love it.
524
00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:53,699
And I...
525
00:19:53,701 --> 00:19:54,834
I know that you love this job.
526
00:19:54,836 --> 00:19:56,452
I should be more supportive--
I just miss you.
527
00:19:56,454 --> 00:19:58,337
I miss you, too.
528
00:19:58,339 --> 00:19:59,822
Hey, guys.
529
00:19:59,824 --> 00:20:01,957
Hey.
Hey.
530
00:20:01,959 --> 00:20:04,010
You guys are all so lucky.
531
00:20:04,012 --> 00:20:06,762
When am I gonna
find something real?
532
00:20:06,764 --> 00:20:07,996
Well, Emsbry,
533
00:20:07,998 --> 00:20:10,049
ready to see what it's like
to be with a woman?
534
00:20:10,051 --> 00:20:11,851
I suppose there's
535
00:20:11,853 --> 00:20:14,270
a first time for everything.
536
00:20:15,022 --> 00:20:17,056
Go ahead.
My son.
537
00:20:18,443 --> 00:20:19,442
Okay.
538
00:20:19,444 --> 00:20:22,578
Yeah, all right.
539
00:20:26,796 --> 00:20:29,881
Are you guys sure we're gonna
like this Woodworthy Manor show?
540
00:20:30,050 --> 00:20:31,983
Yeah, it sounds
kind of boring.
541
00:20:33,219 --> 00:20:34,386
Kind of boring?
542
00:20:34,388 --> 00:20:36,321
Grab a seat guys,
but trust me,
543
00:20:36,323 --> 00:20:38,056
you're only gonna
need the edge.
544
00:20:38,908 --> 00:20:40,729
Ah-ha, all right, now,
545
00:20:40,829 --> 00:20:42,279
a little backstory.
546
00:20:42,281 --> 00:20:45,866
Lady Stoutshire has developed
a serious case of croquet ankle
547
00:20:45,868 --> 00:20:49,920
and the cook Mrs. Bootbrush
can't find enough chestnuts
548
00:20:49,922 --> 00:20:52,005
for a proper
St. Crispin's Day goose.
549
00:20:52,007 --> 00:20:53,423
Let's watch.
550
00:21:04,936 --> 00:21:06,353
I love you.
551
00:21:06,355 --> 00:21:07,354
My wrist is broken.
552
00:21:07,356 --> 00:21:09,389
Worth it.
Ow.
553
00:21:09,391 --> 00:21:14,391
== sync, corrected by elderman ==