1
00:00:02,087 --> 00:00:04,015
Kids, this is
the story of the night
2
00:00:04,016 --> 00:00:05,925
Barney's life
completely fell apart.
3
00:00:06,610 --> 00:00:08,327
My life is finally perfect,
4
00:00:08,329 --> 00:00:10,245
and that is never
going to change.
5
00:00:10,247 --> 00:00:12,314
Fired up for dinner
with my mom tonight?
6
00:00:12,316 --> 00:00:14,082
Yeah. To help streamline
the rest of our lives,
7
00:00:14,084 --> 00:00:16,868
you can always assume my answer
to that question is no.
8
00:00:16,870 --> 00:00:18,837
W...
I'm pretty nervous.
9
00:00:18,839 --> 00:00:21,290
Nervous? Why?
It's just gonna be two hours
10
00:00:21,292 --> 00:00:24,593
of "I love Barney the most."
"No, I love Barney the most."
11
00:00:24,595 --> 00:00:26,795
You're right. I may not even
get a chance to talk.
12
00:00:26,797 --> 00:00:27,829
But I'm still--
13
00:00:27,831 --> 00:00:29,047
I-I don't know. I'm worried
14
00:00:29,049 --> 00:00:30,716
she won't think
I'm good enough to be engaged
15
00:00:30,718 --> 00:00:32,684
to her precious
little Love-Love.
16
00:00:32,686 --> 00:00:35,687
Okay, first of all,
it's "Wuv-Wuv."
17
00:00:35,689 --> 00:00:36,504
And second,
18
00:00:36,506 --> 00:00:37,839
don't worry.
19
00:00:37,841 --> 00:00:39,224
I'm just gonna drop off
our catering deposit,
20
00:00:39,226 --> 00:00:40,892
and then I will be there for you.
Mm.
21
00:00:40,894 --> 00:00:42,277
Okay, well,
please don't be late.
22
00:00:42,279 --> 00:00:43,562
I am counting on you tonight.
23
00:00:43,564 --> 00:00:45,731
And be careful--
that's 5,000 bucks in there.
24
00:00:45,733 --> 00:00:49,034
Uh, I think I'll be okay
walking four blocks here
25
00:00:49,036 --> 00:00:51,620
on the Upper East Side.
26
00:00:57,911 --> 00:01:00,362
Please, I swear I never talked
to the North Koreans!
27
00:01:00,364 --> 00:01:01,696
Unless you are
the North Koreans, in which case
28
00:01:01,698 --> 00:01:02,881
I never talked
to the South Koreans!
29
00:01:02,883 --> 00:01:04,499
Barney Stinson,
30
00:01:04,501 --> 00:01:06,885
you are being
kidnapped.
31
00:01:06,887 --> 00:01:09,871
For your surprise
bachelor party!
32
00:01:11,898 --> 00:01:15,898
♪ How I Met Your Mother 8x22 ♪
The Bro Mitzvah
Original Air Date on April 29, 2013
33
00:01:15,923 --> 00:01:20,923
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
34
00:01:24,687 --> 00:01:26,355
A kidnapping.
35
00:01:26,357 --> 00:01:27,489
Respect.
36
00:01:27,491 --> 00:01:28,740
I was secretly worried
37
00:01:28,742 --> 00:01:31,559
you might not be able
to pull off my bachelor party.
38
00:01:31,561 --> 00:01:33,328
Yeah, it wasn't that secret.
39
00:01:33,330 --> 00:01:35,730
You two?
Planning my bachelor party?
40
00:01:35,732 --> 00:01:38,250
Look, you seem like nice kids.
41
00:01:38,252 --> 00:01:40,168
But this is a sacred event,
42
00:01:40,170 --> 00:01:42,621
a man's rite of passage
with his bros.
43
00:01:42,623 --> 00:01:45,257
His... bro mitzvah!
44
00:01:45,259 --> 00:01:46,508
You didn't just
think of that.
45
00:01:46,510 --> 00:01:47,759
You've been saying it
for months every...
46
00:01:47,761 --> 00:01:49,094
But here's my dilemma:
47
00:01:49,096 --> 00:01:51,346
my average night is like
an average guy's bachelor party.
48
00:01:51,348 --> 00:01:53,382
So, no offense,
but if you two plan it,
49
00:01:53,384 --> 00:01:56,251
it's gonna be ordi--
why wait for it?-- nary.
50
00:01:56,253 --> 00:01:57,769
Ordinary.
51
00:01:57,771 --> 00:01:58,520
I can help.
52
00:01:58,522 --> 00:02:00,138
You?
53
00:02:00,140 --> 00:02:01,890
Look, you seem like a nice kid,
54
00:02:01,892 --> 00:02:02,858
but bros' fiancées
55
00:02:02,860 --> 00:02:04,376
cannot plan bachelor parties.
56
00:02:04,378 --> 00:02:05,927
Sorry. You two are on your own.
57
00:02:05,929 --> 00:02:07,863
And you will disappoint me.
58
00:02:08,781 --> 00:02:10,949
But make it great, okay?
59
00:02:10,951 --> 00:02:13,235
But this is a strong start.
60
00:02:13,237 --> 00:02:15,603
The students
have become...
61
00:02:15,605 --> 00:02:17,939
the intermediate
students.
62
00:02:17,941 --> 00:02:20,442
I just have
to make one call.
63
00:02:22,045 --> 00:02:23,445
Hello.
64
00:02:23,447 --> 00:02:24,880
Robin, great news!
65
00:02:24,882 --> 00:02:26,748
I've been kidnapped
for a surprise bachelor party
66
00:02:26,750 --> 00:02:28,383
so I won't be there
at all!
67
00:02:28,385 --> 00:02:31,136
What? Barney, I-I can't
do dinner with your mom alone.
68
00:02:31,138 --> 00:02:33,922
Okay, I'll call her,
make up an excuse and cancel.
69
00:02:33,924 --> 00:02:35,924
And don't worry,
I'll take all the blame.
70
00:02:35,926 --> 00:02:38,310
Hold on.
71
00:02:38,312 --> 00:02:39,428
Hi, Wuv-Wuv.
72
00:02:39,430 --> 00:02:40,896
Hi, Momsies.
73
00:02:40,898 --> 00:02:43,849
I forgot, I'm mentoring an
underprivileged child tonight,
74
00:02:43,851 --> 00:02:47,469
and Robin can't stand the idea
of dinner with you by herself,
75
00:02:47,471 --> 00:02:49,104
so we're not gonna be able to...
76
00:02:49,106 --> 00:02:50,472
Don't bother.
She's already here.
77
00:02:50,474 --> 00:02:52,741
Hold on.
78
00:02:52,743 --> 00:02:55,277
Robin? Too late.
She's already there.
79
00:02:55,279 --> 00:02:56,661
Barney, don't...
80
00:02:56,663 --> 00:02:59,581
Robin can't stand the idea
of dinner with me?
81
00:02:59,583 --> 00:03:00,982
Great! We're all set then.
82
00:03:00,984 --> 00:03:02,684
Don't you leave me alone
with her. I told you...
83
00:03:02,686 --> 00:03:05,320
That problem is solved.
84
00:03:05,322 --> 00:03:07,038
So what's the plan?
85
00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:09,157
Well, you know the Taj
Mahal in Atlantic City?
86
00:03:09,159 --> 00:03:11,126
Yeah.
87
00:03:11,128 --> 00:03:13,044
You know the
secret penthouse
88
00:03:13,046 --> 00:03:15,830
in the top of the Taj
Mahal in Atlantic City?
89
00:03:15,832 --> 00:03:18,049
Yeah!
90
00:03:18,051 --> 00:03:19,885
Boom! There it is.
91
00:03:19,887 --> 00:03:21,720
Visible from our window.
92
00:03:21,722 --> 00:03:24,005
In the distance.
93
00:03:24,007 --> 00:03:25,107
Behind the refinery.
94
00:03:25,109 --> 00:03:26,892
Okay, you can't
quite see it.
95
00:03:26,894 --> 00:03:29,811
Why are we outside
Atlantic City?
96
00:03:29,813 --> 00:03:31,396
Well, we thought it was best,
97
00:03:31,398 --> 00:03:34,366
what with your weakness
for games of chance.
98
00:03:34,368 --> 00:03:35,750
Kids, Barney was addicted
99
00:03:35,752 --> 00:03:37,235
to one Chinese gambling game
100
00:03:37,237 --> 00:03:40,322
that was, well,
sort of complicated.
101
00:03:40,324 --> 00:03:41,356
But don't worry.
102
00:03:41,358 --> 00:03:43,074
Back when you were
engaged to Quinn,
103
00:03:43,076 --> 00:03:45,877
you told us everything
you wanted for tonight.
104
00:03:45,879 --> 00:03:48,830
A bachelor party is a man's...
105
00:03:48,832 --> 00:03:51,533
bro mitzvah!
106
00:03:51,535 --> 00:03:53,051
Did you just think of that?
107
00:03:53,053 --> 00:03:55,303
Totally! We can wear...
108
00:03:55,305 --> 00:03:57,305
bro-mulkes...
109
00:03:57,307 --> 00:04:01,309
spin the bro-del...
110
00:04:01,311 --> 00:04:03,845
and consult the wisdom
111
00:04:03,847 --> 00:04:06,982
of the Bro-rah.
112
00:04:06,984 --> 00:04:10,202
Written in... He-bro.
113
00:04:10,204 --> 00:04:12,521
Not at all
bro-ffensive.
114
00:04:12,523 --> 00:04:15,023
Ooh, ooh! Couple other ideas--
and I'm just spitballing here--
115
00:04:15,025 --> 00:04:16,575
so take 'em or leave 'em.
116
00:04:16,577 --> 00:04:19,494
Booze, duh; cigars, duh;
strippers, duh...
117
00:04:19,496 --> 00:04:21,246
Ooh! Things should get so
crazy that at some point
118
00:04:21,248 --> 00:04:22,931
we should fear
for our lives.
119
00:04:22,933 --> 00:04:25,617
Oh, we'll fear for our lives,
all right.
120
00:04:25,619 --> 00:04:29,421
When we watch Al Gore's
An Inconvenient Truth!
121
00:04:29,423 --> 00:04:30,905
Yeah. We're
gonna pound a beer
122
00:04:30,907 --> 00:04:32,123
every time we
hear the word
123
00:04:32,125 --> 00:04:33,741
"catastrophic""
124
00:04:33,743 --> 00:04:35,410
Oh!
125
00:04:35,412 --> 00:04:37,245
Could that be...
126
00:04:37,247 --> 00:04:40,432
the next item on your list?
127
00:04:40,434 --> 00:04:42,551
Mind-blowing
entertainment,
128
00:04:42,553 --> 00:04:46,388
like a naked fire show
or a naked magic show.
129
00:04:46,390 --> 00:04:47,556
There's a good chance
our engagement
130
00:04:47,558 --> 00:04:48,640
doesn't work out, isn't there?
131
00:04:48,642 --> 00:04:49,474
Not now, honey.
132
00:04:49,476 --> 00:04:51,926
Or a naked
contortionist!
133
00:04:51,928 --> 00:04:55,146
Or... a balloon contortionist!
134
00:04:58,934 --> 00:05:00,318
Balloons.
135
00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:02,937
Not the inflatable, round,
squishy pouches
136
00:05:02,939 --> 00:05:04,623
I was hoping to see tonight.
137
00:05:05,876 --> 00:05:06,958
Hold on.
138
00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:08,610
I told you no clown.
139
00:05:08,612 --> 00:05:11,379
Well, you didn't like
the bubble guy either.
140
00:05:11,381 --> 00:05:12,214
Hey, Robin.
141
00:05:12,216 --> 00:05:13,381
Did you tell your mother
142
00:05:13,383 --> 00:05:14,449
I'm a virgin?
143
00:05:14,451 --> 00:05:17,335
What? Why would you think that?
144
00:05:17,337 --> 00:05:19,721
Save yourself room for dessert.
Mmm.
145
00:05:19,723 --> 00:05:22,974
And I hear you excel
at saving yourself.
146
00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:26,428
You are so funny.
147
00:05:26,430 --> 00:05:27,846
What's gotten into you?
148
00:05:27,848 --> 00:05:30,982
Oh, that's right-- nothing ever.
149
00:05:32,985 --> 00:05:34,302
You may be nervous
150
00:05:34,304 --> 00:05:36,905
as to what goes where
on your wedding night.
151
00:05:36,907 --> 00:05:38,607
It's really simple.
152
00:05:38,609 --> 00:05:40,808
Let me show you.
153
00:05:42,978 --> 00:05:46,081
Let's start with
the fundamentals.
154
00:05:46,083 --> 00:05:48,149
Why would you
tell her I'm a virgin?
155
00:05:48,151 --> 00:05:49,084
I panicked.
156
00:05:49,086 --> 00:05:50,818
Look, I really want her
to like you,
157
00:05:50,820 --> 00:05:52,704
so just go with it, okay? Okay!
158
00:05:52,706 --> 00:05:54,623
Listen, Wuv-Wuv,
you better get your ass back...
159
00:05:56,660 --> 00:05:58,009
Another guest?
160
00:05:58,011 --> 00:06:00,662
Who could this be?
161
00:06:01,380 --> 00:06:02,430
Why, it's Lily!
162
00:06:02,432 --> 00:06:03,665
And she's here
to deliver
163
00:06:03,667 --> 00:06:04,683
one of your requests!
164
00:06:04,685 --> 00:06:06,968
Oh, thank you,
Marshall.
165
00:06:06,970 --> 00:06:08,270
Oh, not that one.
166
00:06:08,272 --> 00:06:10,972
An appearance by
my all-time idol,
167
00:06:10,974 --> 00:06:13,024
the Karate Kid!
168
00:06:13,026 --> 00:06:15,009
The Karate Kid
was an uplifting '80s classic
169
00:06:15,011 --> 00:06:17,145
about a teen,
played by Ralph Macchio,
170
00:06:17,147 --> 00:06:20,365
who defeats the local jerk,
played by William Zabka.
171
00:06:20,367 --> 00:06:22,734
At least, that's how
most people saw it.
172
00:06:22,736 --> 00:06:24,653
Here he is, just as hot
173
00:06:24,655 --> 00:06:28,123
as when his Tiger Beat
photo spread gave a young girl
174
00:06:28,125 --> 00:06:29,324
the courage to explore
175
00:06:29,326 --> 00:06:31,710
the suddenly unfamiliar
topography
176
00:06:31,712 --> 00:06:34,245
of her changing body...
177
00:06:34,247 --> 00:06:37,666
the Karate Kid!
178
00:06:37,668 --> 00:06:38,967
Hey, Barney. It's Ralph.
179
00:06:38,969 --> 00:06:40,302
Listen,
it's always flattering...
180
00:06:40,304 --> 00:06:41,553
No!
181
00:06:42,471 --> 00:06:43,871
I hate Ralph Macchio!
182
00:06:43,873 --> 00:06:46,174
I hate him, hate him, hate him!
183
00:06:46,176 --> 00:06:48,209
He is not the Karate Kid!
184
00:06:48,211 --> 00:06:50,395
The Karate Kid
was William Zabka,
185
00:06:50,397 --> 00:06:53,064
star pupil
of the Cobra Kai Dojo,
186
00:06:53,066 --> 00:06:54,599
who this monster
187
00:06:54,601 --> 00:06:55,600
defeated
with a cheap,
188
00:06:55,602 --> 00:06:57,885
illegal head-kick
189
00:06:57,887 --> 00:07:03,108
in the most tragically haunting
film ending of all time.
190
00:07:03,110 --> 00:07:06,161
Oh, see, I thought
you meant fun-crazy.
191
00:07:06,163 --> 00:07:07,729
Shut it, Ralph Macchio.
192
00:07:07,731 --> 00:07:09,781
Why don't you go have
a party with Luke Skywalker
193
00:07:09,783 --> 00:07:13,401
and Harry Potter and War Horse
and all the other movie bad guys
194
00:07:13,403 --> 00:07:16,538
and stop ruining mine!
195
00:07:16,540 --> 00:07:19,073
This night has been
catastrophic.
196
00:07:19,075 --> 00:07:21,743
"Catastrophic"!
Everybody pound.
197
00:07:22,678 --> 00:07:23,762
Sorry, bro.
198
00:07:23,764 --> 00:07:24,713
I'm staying.
199
00:07:24,715 --> 00:07:26,131
If this is anything
200
00:07:26,133 --> 00:07:27,749
like my bachelor party--
strippers, booze,
201
00:07:27,751 --> 00:07:29,267
definitely no hand stuff--
wink-wink--
202
00:07:29,269 --> 00:07:33,021
it is gonna be in--
wait for it-- credible.
203
00:07:33,023 --> 00:07:34,055
Incredible!
204
00:07:34,057 --> 00:07:34,973
Wow.
205
00:07:34,975 --> 00:07:36,591
You guys are
actually a lot alike.
206
00:07:36,593 --> 00:07:37,642
You take that back, sir!
207
00:07:37,644 --> 00:07:41,429
I am nothing like
Ralph Macchio!
208
00:07:41,431 --> 00:07:44,315
I mean, did you guys
even get a stripper?
209
00:07:44,317 --> 00:07:45,483
Bro.
210
00:07:45,485 --> 00:07:46,735
Bro.
211
00:07:46,737 --> 00:07:48,436
Of course we
got a stripper.
212
00:07:48,438 --> 00:07:50,538
Do we look like
the kind of dweebs
213
00:07:50,540 --> 00:07:52,457
who wouldn't get a stripper?
214
00:07:54,444 --> 00:07:55,460
And as the saying goes,
215
00:07:55,462 --> 00:07:57,078
what happens in
the sensibly-priced
216
00:07:57,080 --> 00:07:59,280
business hotel outside
Atlantic City stays
217
00:07:59,282 --> 00:08:02,283
in the sensibly-priced business
hotel outside Atlantic City.
218
00:08:04,119 --> 00:08:05,620
Who is it?
219
00:08:05,622 --> 00:08:07,789
Police. We got
a noise complaint from...
220
00:08:07,791 --> 00:08:10,842
Oh, who am I kidding?
I can tell it's dead in there.
221
00:08:10,844 --> 00:08:13,011
I'm the stripper!
222
00:08:14,963 --> 00:08:16,931
Barney?
223
00:08:16,933 --> 00:08:18,266
Quinn?
224
00:08:24,347 --> 00:08:27,375
This is your bachelor party?
You're engaged again,
225
00:08:27,376 --> 00:08:29,660
less than a year
after we broke up?
226
00:08:29,662 --> 00:08:31,446
Is it Robin?
227
00:08:31,448 --> 00:08:32,630
Now, hold on.
228
00:08:32,632 --> 00:08:35,900
You're not the only one
with questions here.
229
00:08:35,902 --> 00:08:38,252
You didn't vet the stripper?!
230
00:08:39,121 --> 00:08:40,304
Well, I'm glad
you're so happy.
231
00:08:40,306 --> 00:08:42,590
After we broke up,
I had to move out of the city,
232
00:08:42,592 --> 00:08:44,792
my car got totaled,
and I had to go back
233
00:08:44,794 --> 00:08:46,127
to stripping just to pay rent.
234
00:08:46,129 --> 00:08:49,897
It's like everywhere I look,
my life is a dead-end.
235
00:08:49,899 --> 00:08:51,983
Wow.
236
00:08:51,985 --> 00:08:55,302
I am... I'm so
sorry, Quinn.
237
00:08:55,304 --> 00:08:56,637
So, how does this work?
238
00:08:56,639 --> 00:08:58,823
Do you give me a private
show, or does everyone...?
239
00:08:58,825 --> 00:09:01,192
I am not stripping for you.
240
00:09:01,194 --> 00:09:02,977
Whoa, whoa! I was
promised boobs.
241
00:09:02,979 --> 00:09:04,112
Oh, Ralph,
if you want, I can...
242
00:09:04,114 --> 00:09:05,663
Lily.
243
00:09:05,665 --> 00:09:06,480
Is that the Karate Kid?
244
00:09:06,482 --> 00:09:07,331
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
245
00:09:07,333 --> 00:09:08,282
No!
246
00:09:08,284 --> 00:09:09,333
He's a lot like
Barney, huh?
247
00:09:09,335 --> 00:09:10,868
You take
that back, madam.
248
00:09:10,870 --> 00:09:13,454
I am nothing
like Ralph Macchio!
249
00:09:13,456 --> 00:09:14,756
Okay, okay.
250
00:09:14,758 --> 00:09:15,840
I'll tell you what.
251
00:09:15,842 --> 00:09:18,126
I am going to strip
for everyone here
252
00:09:18,128 --> 00:09:20,628
except Barney.
253
00:09:20,630 --> 00:09:22,764
And I'm gonna make it dirty.
254
00:09:22,766 --> 00:09:25,550
Yeah, um, I'm the bachelor.
255
00:09:25,552 --> 00:09:28,186
Kind of no stripping
without the lap of honor.
256
00:09:28,188 --> 00:09:29,837
Back me up, bros.
257
00:09:33,693 --> 00:09:34,942
How'd you even do that?
258
00:09:34,944 --> 00:09:36,677
- What the...?!
- Oh, my God, yeah!
259
00:09:36,679 --> 00:09:38,196
Hey, Robin.
260
00:09:38,198 --> 00:09:40,347
Hey, sweetie, having fun
at your bachelor party?
261
00:09:40,349 --> 00:09:43,151
No.
Good, 'cause my night's been hell!
262
00:09:43,153 --> 00:09:45,787
And that's the inverted
chimney sweep,
263
00:09:45,789 --> 00:09:48,739
the last of the 17 basic
sexual positions.
264
00:09:48,741 --> 00:09:49,907
Now, bondage...
265
00:09:49,909 --> 00:09:52,026
Stop! I'm not a virgin!
266
00:09:52,028 --> 00:09:54,162
My napkin ring has seen
plenty of breadsticks.
267
00:09:54,663 --> 00:09:56,547
And one baguette.
268
00:09:56,549 --> 00:09:58,166
I dated a center for the Knicks.
269
00:09:58,168 --> 00:10:00,885
Oh, thank God
you're not a prude.
270
00:10:00,887 --> 00:10:03,037
Now we can really talk.
271
00:10:03,039 --> 00:10:05,206
Four cosmos, pronto!
272
00:10:05,208 --> 00:10:06,507
Now she's drunk,
273
00:10:06,509 --> 00:10:08,810
holding up a napkin ring
and three breadsticks,
274
00:10:08,812 --> 00:10:11,429
and talking about her night
with Crosby, Stills and Nash.
275
00:10:11,431 --> 00:10:13,681
Waiter, can I have
another breadstick?
276
00:10:13,683 --> 00:10:14,649
And Young.
277
00:10:14,651 --> 00:10:16,234
Please come back.
278
00:10:16,236 --> 00:10:18,152
Okay.
279
00:10:18,154 --> 00:10:20,822
I'll be there soon.
280
00:10:20,824 --> 00:10:22,190
Real nice.
So beautiful.
281
00:10:22,192 --> 00:10:23,774
I think we really did it.
I think we did it, you know?
282
00:10:23,776 --> 00:10:25,860
You didn't miss a thing.
283
00:10:25,862 --> 00:10:27,245
Oh, Quinn?
Yeah?
284
00:10:27,247 --> 00:10:30,414
You got a little...
something.
285
00:10:30,416 --> 00:10:32,583
Oh! Oh.
286
00:10:36,539 --> 00:10:37,905
Let's head back, guys.
287
00:10:37,907 --> 00:10:40,241
This night has been
completely half-assed.
288
00:10:40,243 --> 00:10:41,575
You obviously missed
the strip show.
289
00:10:41,577 --> 00:10:43,244
Hey-oh!
290
00:10:43,246 --> 00:10:45,596
Ted, this was my bachelor party.
291
00:10:45,598 --> 00:10:49,050
A man only gets two or three
of these in his lifetime.
292
00:10:49,052 --> 00:10:51,252
And this is all you do for me?
293
00:10:51,254 --> 00:10:53,187
That's it, I'm calling it.
294
00:10:53,189 --> 00:10:55,439
Who needs a ride back
to the city?
295
00:10:57,192 --> 00:10:58,142
Oh.
296
00:10:58,144 --> 00:11:00,194
Oh, guys, wait,
hold on, hold on.
297
00:11:01,930 --> 00:11:03,264
Drinking.
298
00:11:03,932 --> 00:11:04,866
A shot.
299
00:11:06,268 --> 00:11:07,601
Shooting.
300
00:11:07,603 --> 00:11:08,703
A gun.
301
00:11:09,705 --> 00:11:11,072
Shot, gun.
302
00:11:11,074 --> 00:11:12,273
Shotgun?
303
00:11:13,293 --> 00:11:15,576
Man, it's crowded
in here.
304
00:11:15,578 --> 00:11:18,296
I know,
it's like a clown car.
305
00:11:18,298 --> 00:11:20,614
Well, I can make some room
by grinding on Ralph's lap.
306
00:11:20,616 --> 00:11:21,632
ing!
307
00:11:21,634 --> 00:11:22,917
I-I meant, I meant sitting.
308
00:11:22,919 --> 00:11:25,753
This is the worst
bachelor party ever.
309
00:11:25,755 --> 00:11:29,891
Man, my bachelor party
was incr-- wait for it--
310
00:11:29,893 --> 00:11:31,142
and I hope you're hungry,
311
00:11:31,144 --> 00:11:34,345
'cause the second half
of this word is-- edible!
312
00:11:34,347 --> 00:11:35,629
Incredible!
313
00:11:35,631 --> 00:11:37,732
Self-shake.
314
00:11:39,686 --> 00:11:41,135
You take that
back, clown.
315
00:11:41,137 --> 00:11:43,237
I am nothing like Ralph Macchio!
316
00:11:43,239 --> 00:11:44,355
Yeah.
317
00:11:44,357 --> 00:11:45,990
You've got more in
common with the clown,
318
00:11:45,992 --> 00:11:47,141
except his suit's
more expensive.
319
00:11:47,143 --> 00:11:48,142
Hey, yo!
320
00:11:49,162 --> 00:11:50,311
I mean, what kind of loser
321
00:11:50,313 --> 00:11:52,413
has his bachelor party
ten yards from A.C.
322
00:11:52,415 --> 00:11:54,115
and doesn't even gamble?
323
00:12:01,157 --> 00:12:02,990
Oh. Oh, sorry.
324
00:12:02,992 --> 00:12:05,710
Sorry. Sorry.
325
00:12:05,712 --> 00:12:07,545
Sorry.
326
00:12:07,547 --> 00:12:08,930
Oh... oh, wait.
327
00:12:08,932 --> 00:12:09,931
Just a little more.
328
00:12:09,933 --> 00:12:11,349
Okay, sorry.
329
00:12:11,351 --> 00:12:12,633
Okay.
330
00:12:15,038 --> 00:12:18,439
...bro mitzvah!
331
00:12:18,441 --> 00:12:20,524
Kids, I'll skip over
the gambling.
332
00:12:20,526 --> 00:12:22,893
Like I said, it was
a complicated game.
333
00:12:22,895 --> 00:12:25,446
Although your old man
did pick it up pretty quickly.
334
00:12:27,567 --> 00:12:28,532
Hey!
335
00:12:28,534 --> 00:12:30,568
You just won 300 bucks!
336
00:12:30,570 --> 00:12:32,937
I just lost $5,000.
337
00:12:32,939 --> 00:12:34,438
Oh, right.
'Cause the chicken.
338
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:36,690
Yep, that-that's
$5,000, yeah.
339
00:12:38,661 --> 00:12:39,794
See, I'm laughing
340
00:12:39,796 --> 00:12:41,662
because you couldn't see me
take my top off,
341
00:12:41,664 --> 00:12:43,998
but I just saw you lose your shirt.
Hey-yo!
342
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:45,683
We have to go back.
343
00:12:45,685 --> 00:12:47,885
Loser!
Sorry, that was a real sneeze.
344
00:12:47,887 --> 00:12:50,388
Might have made you miss
what I was saying.
345
00:12:50,390 --> 00:12:51,422
Loser!
346
00:12:51,424 --> 00:12:53,040
Loser.
347
00:12:53,042 --> 00:12:54,708
We're not going anywhere.
348
00:12:54,710 --> 00:12:57,878
I can still make
this night legendary.
349
00:12:57,880 --> 00:12:59,897
Uh, uh...
350
00:13:01,985 --> 00:13:03,717
Oh, oh.
351
00:13:03,719 --> 00:13:06,354
Okay, I got some credit.
352
00:13:06,356 --> 00:13:08,222
I just... mm...
353
00:13:08,224 --> 00:13:09,774
Marshall, stand over there
for good luck?
354
00:13:09,776 --> 00:13:11,309
Oh, sure.
355
00:13:15,947 --> 00:13:17,731
Okay, okay.
356
00:13:24,674 --> 00:13:27,408
Oh! Oh!
357
00:13:27,410 --> 00:13:30,378
You crazy son of a bitch,
you did it!
358
00:13:30,380 --> 00:13:33,097
I just lost $80,000.
359
00:13:33,099 --> 00:13:34,849
Oh, right, right, yeah.
'Cause the black jelly bean.
360
00:13:34,851 --> 00:13:36,183
That-That's $80,000.
He's right.
361
00:13:37,970 --> 00:13:40,438
You know, Ralph,
362
00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:44,425
earlier at the salon, I
waxed on, then waxed off.
363
00:13:44,427 --> 00:13:46,260
Everywhere.
364
00:13:46,262 --> 00:13:49,363
Uh, listen, lady,
your husband is, like...
365
00:13:49,365 --> 00:13:51,649
Hey, where is
your husband?
366
00:13:51,651 --> 00:13:52,783
Marshall?
367
00:13:52,785 --> 00:13:54,068
Where's Marshall?!
368
00:13:54,070 --> 00:13:57,872
Okay, Lily,
don't overreact, but...
369
00:14:01,376 --> 00:14:02,576
Oh, oh.
370
00:14:02,578 --> 00:14:04,795
Okay, I got some credit.
371
00:14:04,797 --> 00:14:06,914
Marshall, stand over there
for good luck?
372
00:14:06,916 --> 00:14:09,083
Oh, sure.
373
00:14:12,787 --> 00:14:14,839
You sold my husband?!
374
00:14:14,841 --> 00:14:16,891
Lily, can you be more like
the Chinese mobster
375
00:14:16,893 --> 00:14:18,292
and give me some credit?
376
00:14:18,294 --> 00:14:21,562
I'm going back for Marshall;
I just need to get some money.
377
00:14:21,564 --> 00:14:24,598
You have nothing to worry about;
these are the "good" mobsters.
378
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:27,234
Wow, what kind of bozo
does that to a friend?
379
00:14:27,236 --> 00:14:29,854
Shut it, Ralph Macchio!
380
00:14:29,856 --> 00:14:30,938
No, you shut it!
381
00:14:30,940 --> 00:14:34,358
Ralph Macchio's right,
you are a bozo.
382
00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:36,527
Um, I think they prefer
"people of bright color."
383
00:14:36,529 --> 00:14:38,145
You know what
a bachelor party's about?
384
00:14:38,147 --> 00:14:40,664
Hanging out with your friends
and having a good time.
385
00:14:40,666 --> 00:14:43,701
But you only care about
the good time, not the friends.
386
00:14:43,703 --> 00:14:44,818
So you know what?
387
00:14:44,820 --> 00:14:47,004
I'm-I'm done
caring about you then.
388
00:14:47,006 --> 00:14:48,489
I'm out of here.
389
00:14:48,491 --> 00:14:49,790
Ted...
390
00:14:51,659 --> 00:14:53,878
Ted, Ted, I have...
391
00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:56,347
I just tore your mom away
from a living version
392
00:14:56,349 --> 00:14:59,433
of a Nick Nolte mug shot
and put her in a cab home.
393
00:14:59,435 --> 00:15:01,001
Thank you for abandoning me
394
00:15:01,003 --> 00:15:03,771
on what has been one of
the worst nights of my life.
395
00:15:03,773 --> 00:15:06,173
So, it's my usual fee,
plus I always charge
396
00:15:06,175 --> 00:15:08,559
an extra hundred for
girl-on-clown action.
397
00:15:08,561 --> 00:15:10,978
What the hell
is she doing here?
398
00:15:10,980 --> 00:15:13,147
Robin, I swear,
nothing happened.
399
00:15:13,149 --> 00:15:14,899
That means just hand stuff.
400
00:15:14,901 --> 00:15:17,034
You...!
Oh!
401
00:15:17,036 --> 00:15:20,871
No, no, stop, stop, stop!
402
00:15:20,873 --> 00:15:21,956
Sorry, Barney,
403
00:15:21,958 --> 00:15:25,876
this... this-this is
unforgivable.
404
00:15:25,878 --> 00:15:27,328
It's over.
405
00:15:29,548 --> 00:15:32,082
You know...
406
00:15:32,084 --> 00:15:34,034
I never got to do that.
407
00:15:43,646 --> 00:15:45,212
Ted?
408
00:15:45,214 --> 00:15:47,014
Robin.
409
00:15:47,016 --> 00:15:49,817
We're right on schedule.
410
00:15:53,574 --> 00:15:55,665
Barney is suicidal.
I know, it's awesome!
411
00:15:56,722 --> 00:15:58,389
Yep, kids, we had planned out
412
00:15:58,391 --> 00:15:59,757
every step of the night.
413
00:15:59,759 --> 00:16:01,792
It started three weeks earlier.
414
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:03,811
...and you will disappoint me.
415
00:16:04,813 --> 00:16:06,931
But make it great, okay?
416
00:16:06,933 --> 00:16:08,983
Oh, it'll be great,
all right!
417
00:16:08,985 --> 00:16:10,868
Okay, after two weeks
of brainstorming,
418
00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:13,320
all I have on my list
so far is Purell.
419
00:16:13,322 --> 00:16:14,855
Marshall, what
do you got?
420
00:16:14,857 --> 00:16:17,107
Well, nothing now.
421
00:16:17,109 --> 00:16:18,626
This is impossible!
422
00:16:18,628 --> 00:16:20,744
How do you make something
memorable for a guy
423
00:16:20,746 --> 00:16:22,997
who makes every night
the best night of his life?
424
00:16:22,999 --> 00:16:26,400
Give him the worst night
of his life.
425
00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:30,371
We'll give him
the worst hotel room
426
00:16:30,373 --> 00:16:32,155
with the worst entertainment,
427
00:16:32,157 --> 00:16:34,091
the wrong Karate Kid,
428
00:16:34,093 --> 00:16:37,327
and the absolute last stripper
he would want to see.
429
00:16:37,329 --> 00:16:38,512
Hold on.
430
00:16:38,514 --> 00:16:40,764
You want me to pretend
my life's gone to crap
431
00:16:40,766 --> 00:16:43,333
and I'm back to stripping
just screw with my ex-fiancé?
432
00:16:44,102 --> 00:16:45,102
I love it!
433
00:16:46,254 --> 00:16:48,973
That party will be so terrible,
he'll have to leave it.
434
00:16:48,975 --> 00:16:52,676
Then I'll instruct
his arch-nemesis to say...
435
00:16:52,678 --> 00:16:55,029
I mean, what kind of loser
has his bachelor party
436
00:16:55,031 --> 00:16:57,531
ten yards from A.C.
and doesn't even gamble?
437
00:16:57,533 --> 00:16:59,867
Barney will take
the envelope of cash I gave him
438
00:16:59,869 --> 00:17:02,236
and head straight
into our trap.
439
00:17:02,238 --> 00:17:03,387
Hold on.
440
00:17:03,389 --> 00:17:05,489
You want us to rig a casino game
441
00:17:05,491 --> 00:17:07,574
to trick one of
our former high rollers?
442
00:17:07,576 --> 00:17:09,410
Um...
443
00:17:09,412 --> 00:17:10,244
I love it.
444
00:17:10,246 --> 00:17:11,879
Well, then
you get Barney
445
00:17:11,881 --> 00:17:14,197
to use one of these
guys as collateral.
446
00:17:14,199 --> 00:17:15,866
He'll probably choose me.
What?
447
00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:17,217
Well, I'd be worth more.
448
00:17:17,219 --> 00:17:18,936
Yeah. Perfect teeth.
449
00:17:18,938 --> 00:17:20,338
Yeah, it's just, uh,
450
00:17:20,339 --> 00:17:22,056
just I'm way more athletic
than you.
451
00:17:22,058 --> 00:17:23,390
Yeah, this coming
from the guy
452
00:17:23,392 --> 00:17:25,392
who's never beaten me
at skee-ball.
453
00:17:25,394 --> 00:17:27,511
The only reason a mobster
might choose you is because
454
00:17:27,513 --> 00:17:29,880
they'd be afraid I'd go all
"Marshall Unchained" on them,
455
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:31,382
which obviously isn't
a risk with you.
456
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:34,401
Oh, you want to see
some "Ted Unchained," huh?
457
00:17:34,403 --> 00:17:36,236
I'll show you Ted Unchained!
458
00:17:37,238 --> 00:17:38,355
Marshall, would you mind
459
00:17:38,357 --> 00:17:39,890
standing over there
for good luck?
460
00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:41,659
Oh, yeah, sure.
461
00:17:45,780 --> 00:17:47,164
Meanwhile, I'll make sure
462
00:17:47,166 --> 00:17:50,167
he's abandoned me
in my nightmare scenario.
463
00:17:50,169 --> 00:17:53,454
Hold on. You want me to
help you trick my own son?
464
00:17:54,456 --> 00:17:55,622
I love it.
465
00:17:56,509 --> 00:17:57,508
Barney deserves it.
466
00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:59,710
You know, he told me
you were a virgin.
467
00:17:59,712 --> 00:18:01,462
Ridiculous!
468
00:18:01,464 --> 00:18:02,513
I know.
469
00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:05,966
You are a dirty ho-bag
just like me.
470
00:18:06,685 --> 00:18:08,251
But he loves you so much.
471
00:18:08,253 --> 00:18:09,303
And so do I.
472
00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:13,590
Wait, hold on.
Is there any chance
473
00:18:13,592 --> 00:18:16,643
this is all too
mean to Barney?
474
00:18:19,699 --> 00:18:21,331
Just kidding.
475
00:18:21,333 --> 00:18:23,150
Okay, we just need
the finale.
476
00:18:23,152 --> 00:18:25,319
Oh! The Chinese mobsters
chop off my hand
477
00:18:25,321 --> 00:18:26,870
right in front of Barney!
478
00:18:27,706 --> 00:18:29,907
Yes, we're all
equally enthused!
479
00:18:32,043 --> 00:18:34,044
Okay, here's the plan.
After I storm off...
480
00:18:34,046 --> 00:18:35,879
Barney!
481
00:18:35,881 --> 00:18:37,965
Barney, hurry!
Give them the money!
482
00:18:37,967 --> 00:18:39,833
Please, hurry!
Oh, no!
483
00:18:39,835 --> 00:18:41,802
The Chinese mobster
is giving Marshall back
484
00:18:41,804 --> 00:18:43,387
and taking me hostage instead,
485
00:18:43,389 --> 00:18:46,123
because he says
I'm obviously more valuable!
486
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,008
Can you, can you
unlock the door?
487
00:18:48,010 --> 00:18:49,059
Barney, please!
488
00:18:49,061 --> 00:18:50,761
They're gonna
chop off my hand!
489
00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:51,795
No, they're not!
490
00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:53,296
They said you're free,
and I think
491
00:18:53,298 --> 00:18:55,399
we agreed that's not
something mobsters would do.
492
00:18:55,401 --> 00:18:57,234
Ted, come on!
This is my thing!
493
00:18:57,236 --> 00:18:58,402
Don't hurt him.
494
00:18:58,404 --> 00:18:59,570
I've got the money.
495
00:18:59,572 --> 00:19:00,988
Too late!
496
00:19:03,942 --> 00:19:06,026
Not my skee-ball hand!
497
00:19:06,978 --> 00:19:08,695
No...!
No...!
498
00:19:08,697 --> 00:19:10,064
No!
499
00:19:11,816 --> 00:19:14,317
Please, just don't shoot me
in the face... or the crotch!
500
00:19:14,319 --> 00:19:16,670
Surprise!
501
00:19:16,672 --> 00:19:19,206
What's going on?
502
00:19:19,208 --> 00:19:20,707
Well, we decided to give you
503
00:19:20,709 --> 00:19:23,093
everything you wanted
for your bachelor party
504
00:19:23,095 --> 00:19:25,162
without you even realizing it.
505
00:19:26,931 --> 00:19:29,883
Wait, so that's why you made me
think Marshall might die?
506
00:19:31,102 --> 00:19:33,670
And I'd lost all that money
and my friends hated me
507
00:19:33,672 --> 00:19:35,439
and my wedding was off?
508
00:19:35,441 --> 00:19:36,690
You just decided
509
00:19:36,692 --> 00:19:38,225
to-to check off
510
00:19:38,227 --> 00:19:40,394
everything on this list
in the most
511
00:19:40,396 --> 00:19:42,980
twisted way imaginable?
512
00:19:42,982 --> 00:19:45,365
That is awesome!
513
00:19:45,367 --> 00:19:48,535
And it was all planned
by a girl.
514
00:19:48,537 --> 00:19:49,620
Wow!
515
00:19:51,689 --> 00:19:54,124
So, Lily...
516
00:19:54,126 --> 00:19:56,076
later on tonight,
you want to, um...?
517
00:19:56,078 --> 00:19:58,295
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
518
00:19:58,297 --> 00:20:00,664
That was all just
part of the act.
519
00:20:00,666 --> 00:20:02,382
Y-You knew that, right?
520
00:20:03,218 --> 00:20:04,802
Yeah! Totally.
521
00:20:04,804 --> 00:20:06,536
We pulled it off, right?
522
00:20:06,538 --> 00:20:08,038
Platonic shake!
523
00:20:14,078 --> 00:20:19,650
Everyone, everyone, thank you
for an incredible bro mitzvah.
524
00:20:19,652 --> 00:20:20,734
Mazel brov!
525
00:20:20,736 --> 00:20:22,552
Mazel brov!
526
00:20:24,406 --> 00:20:26,607
Mm, oh, you didn't really get
everything on the list.
527
00:20:26,609 --> 00:20:27,574
N-No offense
528
00:20:27,576 --> 00:20:28,826
to Ralph Macchio,
529
00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:31,161
but he ain't the Karate Kid.
530
00:20:31,163 --> 00:20:33,113
I couldn't agree
with you more.
531
00:20:35,083 --> 00:20:38,085
You know,
they almost didn't get me.
532
00:20:39,838 --> 00:20:43,790
But after
18 voice mails...
533
00:20:43,792 --> 00:20:46,593
I returned Robin's call.
534
00:20:46,595 --> 00:20:47,961
And she told me
535
00:20:47,963 --> 00:20:50,848
how you're one of the
few people in the world
536
00:20:50,850 --> 00:20:53,100
who truly gets
The Karate Kid movie.
537
00:20:54,252 --> 00:20:57,938
So when she asked if I'd help,
538
00:20:57,940 --> 00:21:00,357
well, my answer
just had to be...
539
00:21:02,527 --> 00:21:04,311
Hai!
540
00:21:04,853 --> 00:21:07,153
William Zabka!
541
00:21:07,155 --> 00:21:11,255
== sync, corrected by elderman ==