1 00:00:01,369 --> 00:00:03,337 Marshall and Marvin were taking the bus 2 00:00:03,339 --> 00:00:06,039 on their way to Long Island to meet up with us. 3 00:00:06,041 --> 00:00:07,424 There, there, little Marvin. 4 00:00:07,426 --> 00:00:09,126 Let no more tears fall. 5 00:00:09,128 --> 00:00:12,679 We're gonna see Mommy in no time at all. 6 00:00:12,681 --> 00:00:14,882 Hello there. I'm sorry for all of the noise. 7 00:00:14,884 --> 00:00:17,267 It's been a long day for the Eriksen boys. 8 00:00:17,269 --> 00:00:19,353 Uh... what's with the rhyming? 9 00:00:19,355 --> 00:00:20,554 I'm glad that you ask. 10 00:00:20,556 --> 00:00:23,506 To get my son sleeping is no easy task. 11 00:00:23,508 --> 00:00:26,059 A few weeks ago, the job fell to my wife. 12 00:00:26,061 --> 00:00:28,529 And as the poor baby cried out for dear life, 13 00:00:28,531 --> 00:00:31,698 she read every book, but all were no use 14 00:00:31,700 --> 00:00:35,035 until she arrived at a mother named Goose. 15 00:00:35,037 --> 00:00:36,987 - Why, Marvin... - She noted. 16 00:00:36,989 --> 00:00:38,822 These rhymes make you tired! 17 00:00:38,824 --> 00:00:40,857 And ever since then, all young Marvin's required 18 00:00:40,859 --> 00:00:43,360 is one book of rhymes, and to dream land he goes. 19 00:00:43,362 --> 00:00:44,828 Now, what shall we read? 20 00:00:44,830 --> 00:00:47,414 Oh, crap, I left his book in the car! 21 00:00:49,201 --> 00:00:50,467 That blows. 22 00:00:56,598 --> 00:01:01,598 == sync by elderman/resynced and corrected by chamallow == == www.addic7ed.com == 23 00:01:05,183 --> 00:01:06,817 Oh, no, what a bummer! 24 00:01:06,819 --> 00:01:08,485 What craptastic luck! 25 00:01:08,487 --> 00:01:10,771 Without Marvin's rhyme book, this ride's gonna suck! 26 00:01:10,773 --> 00:01:12,823 Does anyone here have some poetry maybe? 27 00:01:12,825 --> 00:01:14,107 - Or any advice? - Yeah! 28 00:01:14,109 --> 00:01:15,659 Don't have a baby! 29 00:01:17,613 --> 00:01:19,496 I guess if I don't want young Marvin to wake up, 30 00:01:19,498 --> 00:01:22,399 the rhymes will just have to be ones that I make up. 31 00:01:22,401 --> 00:01:25,568 I'll whip up some poetry in seconds flat! 32 00:01:28,506 --> 00:01:31,375 Oh, I know! 33 00:01:31,377 --> 00:01:34,011 This story's called Mosby at the Bat! 34 00:01:39,202 --> 00:01:41,870 The outlook wasn't brilliant for poor Ted's romantic life. 35 00:01:41,872 --> 00:01:45,690 He was deep into his thirties, and yet, still he had no wife. 36 00:01:45,692 --> 00:01:47,525 But then, one day whilst grading papers, 37 00:01:47,527 --> 00:01:49,077 life sent him a whammy. 38 00:01:49,079 --> 00:01:51,046 A physics prof named Lisa 39 00:01:51,048 --> 00:01:52,464 who'd just moved here from Miami. 40 00:01:52,466 --> 00:01:53,465 Professor? 41 00:01:53,467 --> 00:01:55,367 She asked timidly. He answered: 42 00:01:55,369 --> 00:01:56,885 Call me Ted. 43 00:01:56,887 --> 00:01:58,203 I don't want to bother you. 44 00:01:58,205 --> 00:01:59,805 - Please, have a seat. - He said. 45 00:01:59,807 --> 00:02:03,225 I'm fairly new to teaching, and I'm looking for advice. 46 00:02:03,227 --> 00:02:06,511 Every night I practice giving lectures, sometimes twice. 47 00:02:06,513 --> 00:02:07,679 But when I teach 48 00:02:07,681 --> 00:02:10,849 magnetic force, I just see eyeballs glazing. 49 00:02:10,851 --> 00:02:16,355 I asked around, and people say your lectures are amazing. 50 00:02:16,357 --> 00:02:17,689 Which is really saying something, 51 00:02:17,691 --> 00:02:19,891 because, architecture? Yawn. 52 00:02:19,893 --> 00:02:21,577 And Ted thought... 53 00:02:21,579 --> 00:02:23,895 Psh, yeah, 'cause physics is so interesting. 54 00:02:23,897 --> 00:02:25,414 Go on. 55 00:02:25,416 --> 00:02:27,065 It's just that you're so skilled, 56 00:02:27,067 --> 00:02:28,951 and I'm a relative beginner. 57 00:02:28,953 --> 00:02:32,737 If it isn't too much trouble, can I take you out to dinner? 58 00:02:32,739 --> 00:02:36,458 I'd love to get some pointers, and I shouldn't keep you late. 59 00:02:36,460 --> 00:02:37,909 What do you say? 60 00:02:37,911 --> 00:02:39,461 What do I say? 61 00:02:39,463 --> 00:02:41,096 Teddy Westside's got a date! 62 00:02:41,098 --> 00:02:43,148 - Hooray! - We cheered. 63 00:02:43,165 --> 00:02:44,181 Ted's off the bench! 64 00:02:44,183 --> 00:02:45,549 Our boy's back in the game! 65 00:02:45,551 --> 00:02:47,184 Thank God, it's been a hundred years 66 00:02:47,186 --> 00:02:48,385 since Mosby scored a dame. 67 00:02:48,387 --> 00:02:50,270 The last time he saw boobies was 68 00:02:50,272 --> 00:02:51,688 the screen-test scene in Fame. 69 00:02:51,690 --> 00:02:53,140 The last girl he dated, 70 00:02:53,142 --> 00:02:55,008 I think "Righty" was her name. 71 00:02:55,010 --> 00:02:56,860 Hold it. Let's not all go crazy 72 00:02:56,862 --> 00:02:58,562 like some wild berzerkers. 73 00:02:58,564 --> 00:03:01,231 What if this is just a business meal between co-workers? 74 00:03:01,233 --> 00:03:03,350 Ted thought back on past failed dates. 75 00:03:03,352 --> 00:03:05,452 Oh, God, that could be true. 76 00:03:05,454 --> 00:03:08,655 How many times have I come home to find my balls are blue? 77 00:03:08,657 --> 00:03:12,025 It all depends where Ted and his new fetching young Floridian 78 00:03:12,027 --> 00:03:14,694 are standing in relation to that puzzling meridian 79 00:03:14,696 --> 00:03:16,997 called "The International Date Line." 80 00:03:16,999 --> 00:03:18,365 That's right, new theory. 81 00:03:18,367 --> 00:03:20,367 - "What's that," you ask? - Nobody did. 82 00:03:20,369 --> 00:03:22,970 I'll now address your query! The date line 83 00:03:22,972 --> 00:03:26,056 is the border betwixt happiness and sorrow. 84 00:03:26,058 --> 00:03:28,375 On this side, you go home tonight. 85 00:03:28,377 --> 00:03:31,211 On this side, home tomorrow. 86 00:03:31,213 --> 00:03:34,681 And then, as Barney made some gestures that were rather rude, 87 00:03:34,683 --> 00:03:37,935 Ted left to go meet Lisa, in a rather puzzled mood. 88 00:03:37,937 --> 00:03:39,653 Was this a date? 89 00:03:39,655 --> 00:03:41,572 He simply couldn't tell how he was faring. 90 00:03:41,574 --> 00:03:42,773 Then Lisa showed up. 91 00:03:42,775 --> 00:03:46,276 Ted rejoiced to see what she was wearing. 92 00:03:46,278 --> 00:03:47,778 For girls at business dinners 93 00:03:47,780 --> 00:03:49,896 don't have necklines that revealing! 94 00:03:54,035 --> 00:03:57,204 But then a friendly handshake gave poor Ted 95 00:03:57,206 --> 00:03:59,072 a sinking feeling. 96 00:04:03,244 --> 00:04:04,544 And so, the night wore on. 97 00:04:04,546 --> 00:04:07,047 And back and forth, the globe rotated. 98 00:04:07,049 --> 00:04:10,767 But still, Ted's curiosity was never fully sated. 99 00:04:10,769 --> 00:04:12,219 How long could this continue? 100 00:04:12,221 --> 00:04:14,054 He was truly fortune's pawn. 101 00:04:14,056 --> 00:04:16,089 Then Lisa saw the TV. 102 00:04:16,091 --> 00:04:17,524 Hey, the Yankees game is on! 103 00:04:17,526 --> 00:04:19,359 - Of baseball... - Ted observed... 104 00:04:19,361 --> 00:04:22,145 you seem to have some firsthand knowledge. 105 00:04:22,147 --> 00:04:24,031 To which the lady shrugged and said... 106 00:04:24,033 --> 00:04:25,616 I played softball in college. 107 00:04:28,486 --> 00:04:30,270 Now the age-old softball stereotype's just that, 108 00:04:30,272 --> 00:04:31,705 and nothing more. 109 00:04:31,707 --> 00:04:33,407 Yeah! But as the Yankees got a run, 110 00:04:33,409 --> 00:04:35,492 Ted feared he wouldn't score. 111 00:04:35,494 --> 00:04:37,294 For while the date side of the line's 112 00:04:37,296 --> 00:04:39,463 the one we all might guess he's in, 113 00:04:39,465 --> 00:04:42,299 there'll be no joy in Tedville if our Lisa is a... 114 00:04:42,301 --> 00:04:43,884 Yes! We win! 115 00:04:43,886 --> 00:04:46,253 Then Lisa took a drink and said... 116 00:04:46,255 --> 00:04:48,255 This may sound kind of random, 117 00:04:48,257 --> 00:04:51,091 but there actually is a reason for my rabid Yankee fandom. 118 00:04:51,093 --> 00:04:52,843 I guess I'll just be honest here, 119 00:04:52,845 --> 00:04:54,895 though crazy it may seem. 120 00:04:54,897 --> 00:04:59,066 My first week in New York, I dated someone on the team. 121 00:04:59,068 --> 00:05:00,150 Which player? 122 00:05:00,152 --> 00:05:01,801 - I'm not saying. - Please? 123 00:05:01,803 --> 00:05:03,153 What are you, a reporter? 124 00:05:03,155 --> 00:05:04,521 Ted's mind began to race. 125 00:05:04,523 --> 00:05:06,323 The waiter came to take their order. 126 00:05:06,325 --> 00:05:07,640 As Lisa said... 127 00:05:07,642 --> 00:05:09,743 I might like the spaghetti marinara. 128 00:05:09,745 --> 00:05:11,194 Poor Ted just wondered silently... 129 00:05:11,196 --> 00:05:13,630 Mariano Rivera? 130 00:05:13,632 --> 00:05:14,948 And as she said... 131 00:05:14,950 --> 00:05:16,983 I read this place has great chicken Milano. 132 00:05:19,204 --> 00:05:21,288 Alfonso Soriano? 133 00:05:21,290 --> 00:05:22,889 I want something hearty. 134 00:05:22,891 --> 00:05:25,008 How about blackened miso cod? 135 00:05:25,010 --> 00:05:26,293 Is it Joe Girardi? 136 00:05:26,295 --> 00:05:28,662 Holy crap, is it A-Rod?! 137 00:05:28,664 --> 00:05:30,263 Okay, Ted, calm down. 138 00:05:30,265 --> 00:05:31,965 You've got to get yourself together. 139 00:05:31,967 --> 00:05:33,517 Just smile, be charming, 140 00:05:33,519 --> 00:05:35,886 ooze charisma, talk about the weather. 141 00:05:35,888 --> 00:05:37,170 For this might be a date, 142 00:05:37,172 --> 00:05:39,389 which means there might be hanky-panky. 143 00:05:39,391 --> 00:05:42,776 So, dude, be cool, relax, don't even... 144 00:05:42,778 --> 00:05:44,695 Just tell me which Yankee! 145 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:48,281 I'd rather not discuss this here. 146 00:05:48,283 --> 00:05:50,033 But then again, I'd hate... 147 00:05:50,035 --> 00:05:53,203 to let a silly secret ruin such a lovely date. 148 00:05:53,205 --> 00:05:55,789 If there's an elephant in the room, 149 00:05:55,791 --> 00:05:56,990 why don't we just remove it? 150 00:05:56,992 --> 00:05:58,325 I dated Derek Jeter. 151 00:05:58,327 --> 00:05:59,692 Here's a picture that'll prove it. 152 00:05:59,694 --> 00:06:01,912 As Ted looked at that cell phone pic, 153 00:06:01,914 --> 00:06:03,830 there were two things he reckoned. 154 00:06:03,832 --> 00:06:05,698 This definitely was a date, 155 00:06:05,700 --> 00:06:08,468 but there wouldn't be a second. 156 00:06:09,370 --> 00:06:10,520 See? It worked. 157 00:06:10,522 --> 00:06:12,723 I said some rhymes, and out my boy did conk. 158 00:06:13,391 --> 00:06:15,092 Now let's enjoy the ride. 159 00:06:16,011 --> 00:06:17,928 Move, jackass! 160 00:06:21,904 --> 00:06:25,508 Okay, I need a brand-new tale to silence Marvin's chatter. 161 00:06:25,509 --> 00:06:28,510 I don't know, that last one had some sketchy subject matter. 162 00:06:28,512 --> 00:06:31,580 Forgive me, but before you got here, did you smoke a joint? 163 00:06:31,582 --> 00:06:33,849 You don't tell kids a tale that crass! 164 00:06:33,851 --> 00:06:35,367 I guess he had a point. 165 00:06:35,369 --> 00:06:37,619 I know, I said some things that were, 166 00:06:37,621 --> 00:06:39,755 as you say, kind of questionable. 167 00:06:39,757 --> 00:06:41,807 The truth is, children Marvin's age 168 00:06:41,809 --> 00:06:43,642 aren't really that impressionable. 169 00:06:43,644 --> 00:06:46,178 Do you remember anything from when you were this small? 170 00:06:46,180 --> 00:06:49,281 Pumpkin picking at age three is the first thing I recall. 171 00:06:50,651 --> 00:06:52,034 He won't remember this. I guess it's true. 172 00:06:52,036 --> 00:06:53,268 It better be. 173 00:06:53,270 --> 00:06:54,453 Or else we'll end up paying 174 00:06:54,455 --> 00:06:55,937 through the nose for Marvin's therapy. 175 00:06:55,939 --> 00:06:58,874 Okay, buddy, nice chat, but I think I need a break. 176 00:06:58,876 --> 00:06:59,775 Great idea. 177 00:06:59,777 --> 00:07:01,827 After this story! 178 00:07:01,829 --> 00:07:03,779 Robin Takes the Cake. 179 00:07:08,950 --> 00:07:10,818 Once in an East Side bakery, 180 00:07:10,820 --> 00:07:13,954 your debonair Aunt Robin was making other customers think, 181 00:07:13,956 --> 00:07:15,906 "Geez, who let this slob in?" 182 00:07:15,908 --> 00:07:19,159 She didn't care about their stares, or who was looking on. 183 00:07:19,161 --> 00:07:20,527 She'd just broke up with... 184 00:07:20,529 --> 00:07:21,712 Kevin. 185 00:07:21,714 --> 00:07:24,465 No, Gael. Or Scooby? 186 00:07:25,583 --> 00:07:27,200 Don? 187 00:07:27,869 --> 00:07:29,086 Now, sometimes, 188 00:07:29,088 --> 00:07:30,254 when it rains it pours, 189 00:07:30,256 --> 00:07:31,505 and sometimes, it starts snowing, 190 00:07:31,507 --> 00:07:34,040 for as cream filling hit her shirt... 191 00:07:34,042 --> 00:07:35,559 Hey, Robin, how's it going? 192 00:07:35,561 --> 00:07:37,394 'Twas Simon, her ex-boyfriend 193 00:07:37,396 --> 00:07:39,763 from her younger days in Canada, 194 00:07:39,765 --> 00:07:41,548 but now, he looked quite different... 195 00:07:44,019 --> 00:07:45,402 Rhyme. 196 00:07:45,404 --> 00:07:48,054 Uh... thinking. 197 00:07:48,112 --> 00:07:50,446 I've just been handed a news flash. 198 00:07:50,448 --> 00:07:52,215 The word "Canada" is unrhymeable. 199 00:07:52,217 --> 00:07:53,616 It's easier to... I don't know... 200 00:07:53,618 --> 00:07:55,552 get drunk and try to climb a bull. 201 00:07:55,554 --> 00:07:57,971 But Canada, damn it, ask any man on the planet 202 00:07:57,973 --> 00:07:59,305 and watch their stammerin' stamina 203 00:07:59,307 --> 00:08:02,175 as they clamor and cram it into the middle of a sentence 204 00:08:02,177 --> 00:08:03,509 for a shot at repentance, 205 00:08:03,511 --> 00:08:05,929 pass the problem on to all their non-rhyming descendants. 206 00:08:05,931 --> 00:08:08,314 I've never met anyone who could clean up after Canada. 207 00:08:08,316 --> 00:08:10,099 Except my Uncle Tony from the Bronx. 208 00:08:10,101 --> 00:08:11,234 He's a janitor. 209 00:08:15,142 --> 00:08:18,261 Show-off. 210 00:08:18,263 --> 00:08:20,063 Simon. Nice to see you. 211 00:08:20,065 --> 00:08:22,148 So, what brings you to New York? 212 00:08:22,150 --> 00:08:23,683 I live here now. What? Really? 213 00:08:23,685 --> 00:08:25,234 Yeah. That's great. 214 00:08:25,236 --> 00:08:26,686 Can I get a fork? 215 00:08:26,688 --> 00:08:28,104 He'd always been a deadbeat 216 00:08:28,106 --> 00:08:29,856 and your classic hoser phony, 217 00:08:29,858 --> 00:08:32,775 but seeing Simon all cleaned up hit Robin like a Zamboni. 218 00:08:32,777 --> 00:08:35,028 And as she looked him up and down, 219 00:08:35,030 --> 00:08:36,496 young Robin felt a tingle. 220 00:08:36,498 --> 00:08:38,364 Had Simon blossomed finally? 221 00:08:38,366 --> 00:08:40,333 And if so, was he single? 222 00:08:40,335 --> 00:08:41,701 So great. 223 00:08:41,703 --> 00:08:44,120 She purred, whilst batting her eyelashes like a flooze. 224 00:08:44,122 --> 00:08:46,405 Yup, I'm engaged to Louise Marsh, 225 00:08:46,407 --> 00:08:48,174 and our pad's got a Jacuzz! 226 00:08:48,176 --> 00:08:50,409 The bakery spinned, the floor dropped out. 227 00:08:50,411 --> 00:08:52,128 The air was thick as syrup. 228 00:08:52,130 --> 00:08:54,213 Poor Robin swooned, she couldn't breathe, 229 00:08:54,215 --> 00:08:55,848 her eyes began to tear up. 230 00:08:55,850 --> 00:08:57,917 And as she tried to stammer some excuse 231 00:08:57,919 --> 00:08:59,719 to get away, Simon said: 232 00:08:59,721 --> 00:09:01,971 Our wedding cake is pretty bitchin', eh? 233 00:09:01,973 --> 00:09:05,475 And so was born the worst idea poor Robin's ever had. 234 00:09:05,477 --> 00:09:08,027 And on Ted's door there came a rapping. 235 00:09:08,029 --> 00:09:10,096 I did something bad. 236 00:09:10,098 --> 00:09:11,647 As Robin told her tale, 237 00:09:11,649 --> 00:09:13,816 Ted knew she'd made a massive boo-boo. 238 00:09:13,818 --> 00:09:18,121 For stealing someone's wedding cake is terribly bad juju. 239 00:09:18,123 --> 00:09:20,623 Robin, I'm beside myself to see what you've become! 240 00:09:20,625 --> 00:09:22,575 You must return this cake at once! 241 00:09:22,577 --> 00:09:23,576 - I can't! - Why not? 242 00:09:23,578 --> 00:09:24,877 'Cause... 243 00:09:24,879 --> 00:09:26,295 Yum. 244 00:09:26,297 --> 00:09:30,550 Ted gasped, for he had never seen a brazen act so vicious. 245 00:09:30,552 --> 00:09:32,385 Robin felt remorse, and yet... 246 00:09:32,387 --> 00:09:34,420 Oh, God, this is delicious! 247 00:09:34,422 --> 00:09:38,174 So one piece led to two, then three, then five, then 17. 248 00:09:38,176 --> 00:09:42,294 She savaged that poor cake like some rapacious wolverine. 249 00:09:42,296 --> 00:09:45,297 Eating, gobbling, munching, so the frenzied night wore on. 250 00:09:45,299 --> 00:09:47,100 And by the time your mom arrived, 251 00:09:47,102 --> 00:09:49,068 the cake was halfway gone. 252 00:09:49,070 --> 00:09:50,820 I came as soon as I got word. 253 00:09:50,822 --> 00:09:52,655 So how bad is the damage? 254 00:09:52,657 --> 00:09:56,859 See for yourself the product of her cake-in-gullet crammage! 255 00:09:56,861 --> 00:09:58,194 Half a cake? 256 00:09:58,196 --> 00:09:59,595 What have I done?! 257 00:09:59,597 --> 00:10:01,697 The world shall not forgive it! 258 00:10:01,699 --> 00:10:03,449 This day will live in infamy. 259 00:10:03,451 --> 00:10:05,651 I never shall outlive it! 260 00:10:05,653 --> 00:10:07,286 For I have become 261 00:10:07,288 --> 00:10:10,323 the girl that eats her feelings, don't mistake it. 262 00:10:10,325 --> 00:10:13,509 I think I need to get out of this chair before I break it. 263 00:10:13,511 --> 00:10:16,262 Nonsense! Hogwash! Balderdash! 264 00:10:16,264 --> 00:10:17,847 Said Mommy, with great fervor. 265 00:10:17,849 --> 00:10:20,666 You can't stop now, for don't you see? 266 00:10:20,668 --> 00:10:24,503 To the uninformed observer, you're not some sad cliché, 267 00:10:24,505 --> 00:10:27,723 some loser from a chick-lit story. 268 00:10:27,725 --> 00:10:31,444 You're Robin, and you're half a wedding cake away from glory! 269 00:10:31,446 --> 00:10:34,346 If you quit now, then Simon wins, 270 00:10:34,348 --> 00:10:36,348 the tale comes to a stop 271 00:10:36,350 --> 00:10:38,818 at how you saw an ex, freaked out, 272 00:10:38,820 --> 00:10:40,536 and robbed a pastry shop. 273 00:10:40,538 --> 00:10:43,156 If you have the guts, my dear, 274 00:10:43,158 --> 00:10:45,374 it's time to get empowered 275 00:10:45,376 --> 00:10:47,543 and be remembered for this 276 00:10:47,545 --> 00:10:50,213 sweet behemoth you devoured. 277 00:10:50,215 --> 00:10:51,464 And years from now, 278 00:10:51,466 --> 00:10:54,417 the troubadour will raise his voice and sing 279 00:10:54,419 --> 00:10:57,220 of the time that Robin took the cake. 280 00:10:57,222 --> 00:10:59,255 And ate the whole... 281 00:10:59,257 --> 00:11:00,506 damned... 282 00:11:00,508 --> 00:11:01,841 thing. 283 00:11:01,843 --> 00:11:04,560 Once more into the breach she surged, 284 00:11:04,562 --> 00:11:06,212 as Ted and Mommy cheered 285 00:11:06,214 --> 00:11:09,899 and bite by bite the towering confection disappeared. 286 00:11:09,901 --> 00:11:11,851 Some friends were called to come and watch. 287 00:11:11,853 --> 00:11:13,436 And no one had to beg. 288 00:11:13,438 --> 00:11:14,720 It soon became a party. 289 00:11:14,722 --> 00:11:16,656 Barney even got a keg. 290 00:11:16,658 --> 00:11:19,742 Forkful after forkful, Robin guzzled French vanilla 291 00:11:19,744 --> 00:11:22,228 making noises not unlike those made by a gorilla. 292 00:11:22,230 --> 00:11:24,030 Come on, Robin, finish it. 293 00:11:24,032 --> 00:11:26,749 - Yeah. - Mom's exhortations rang 294 00:11:26,751 --> 00:11:30,402 like Apollo coaching Rocky 'gainst a frosted Clubber Lang. 295 00:11:30,404 --> 00:11:32,038 Oh, Rocky IV, my favorite. 296 00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:33,706 No, no, IV is with the Russians. 297 00:11:33,708 --> 00:11:35,574 No, IV's the one where he talks weird 298 00:11:35,576 --> 00:11:37,093 because of his concussions. 299 00:11:37,095 --> 00:11:38,544 - I think that's all of them. - Hey now, 300 00:11:38,546 --> 00:11:41,297 - no need to be discordant. - It's Rocky IV. 301 00:11:41,299 --> 00:11:43,015 - No, III. - No, II. 302 00:11:43,017 --> 00:11:44,884 It's really not important. 303 00:11:44,886 --> 00:11:48,771 At last young Robin raised the final bite up to her lips 304 00:11:48,773 --> 00:11:50,089 the crowd grew still. 305 00:11:50,091 --> 00:11:52,108 The only sound was Barney 306 00:11:52,110 --> 00:11:53,893 eating chips. 307 00:11:55,529 --> 00:11:57,230 Just one bite left. 308 00:11:57,232 --> 00:12:00,266 Hey, this is like that scene from Cool Hand Luke. You know, 309 00:12:00,268 --> 00:12:02,151 "My boy can eat 50 eggs", right? 310 00:12:02,153 --> 00:12:04,120 She's gonna puke. 311 00:12:04,988 --> 00:12:06,289 But Robin did not puke. 312 00:12:06,291 --> 00:12:08,541 She ate that bite and stood up, proud. 313 00:12:11,796 --> 00:12:14,213 Wait. I'm not done yet. 314 00:12:14,215 --> 00:12:15,965 She shouted, to the startled crowd. 315 00:12:15,967 --> 00:12:17,884 I've bested this here wedding cake. 316 00:12:17,886 --> 00:12:19,585 I'll gladly wear that crown. 317 00:12:19,587 --> 00:12:20,753 But now that I have 318 00:12:20,755 --> 00:12:23,139 done that task it's time to wash it down. 319 00:12:23,141 --> 00:12:25,391 For it's been such an awesome night, 320 00:12:25,393 --> 00:12:27,894 there's just one way to cap it. 321 00:12:27,896 --> 00:12:30,263 I'm going to drink this entire keg. 322 00:12:31,565 --> 00:12:33,266 Okay, Barney, tap it. 323 00:12:38,273 --> 00:12:41,691 And now that night's remembered not for Robin getting dumped 324 00:12:41,693 --> 00:12:45,111 but as the night we took her in to get her stomach pumped. 325 00:12:45,779 --> 00:12:47,163 And look at that, 326 00:12:47,165 --> 00:12:49,648 the little angel's sleeping soundly, Gus. 327 00:12:49,650 --> 00:12:51,284 Looks like our problems... 328 00:12:51,286 --> 00:12:52,285 Pick a lane! 329 00:12:53,504 --> 00:12:56,989 I hate this stupid bus. 330 00:12:57,153 --> 00:13:00,582 I'm afraid this night is not much of a winner. 331 00:13:00,583 --> 00:13:02,449 Stuck in traffic, now we've missed 332 00:13:02,451 --> 00:13:04,384 the whole rehearsal dinner. 333 00:13:04,386 --> 00:13:07,321 I pray that I was right and that you'll have no memory 334 00:13:07,323 --> 00:13:10,474 of this godforsaken ride down the congested LIE. 335 00:13:10,476 --> 00:13:12,709 At least we know one thing for sure: 336 00:13:12,711 --> 00:13:14,344 things can't get worse, I swear. 337 00:13:14,346 --> 00:13:16,847 Adios, truck stop burrito. 338 00:13:16,849 --> 00:13:18,565 Do not go in there. 339 00:13:18,567 --> 00:13:22,686 Okay, one more story, and I'll try to tell it pretty. 340 00:13:22,688 --> 00:13:24,688 The tale of Barney Stinson, 341 00:13:24,690 --> 00:13:27,157 Player King of New York City. 342 00:13:32,247 --> 00:13:35,199 Once upon a time, we all went out to get our drink on. 343 00:13:35,201 --> 00:13:37,067 When who should walk in but a girl 344 00:13:37,069 --> 00:13:39,403 with sweater tight and pink on. 345 00:13:39,405 --> 00:13:40,487 She ordered up a beer. 346 00:13:40,489 --> 00:13:42,289 I think you see where this is going. 347 00:13:42,291 --> 00:13:44,591 As Barney put it, oh so eloquently: 348 00:13:44,593 --> 00:13:46,326 Boy-oy-oy-oing. 349 00:13:46,328 --> 00:13:49,996 He rose to go approach this girl commanding such intrigue 350 00:13:49,998 --> 00:13:51,348 when Mommy interrupted: 351 00:13:51,350 --> 00:13:53,433 Dude, she's way out of your league. 352 00:13:53,435 --> 00:13:57,354 She's not in Daisy Dukes, nor squeezed into a Hooters tee. 353 00:13:57,356 --> 00:13:59,339 And I don't see a Curves membership 354 00:13:59,341 --> 00:14:00,807 dangling from her key. 355 00:14:00,809 --> 00:14:01,841 She has no glaring 356 00:14:01,843 --> 00:14:05,345 spray tan, no unicorn tattoos. 357 00:14:05,347 --> 00:14:09,516 She's sipping Chardonnay, not pounding cherry-flavored booze. 358 00:14:09,518 --> 00:14:10,701 Her makeup isn't running, 359 00:14:10,703 --> 00:14:12,519 she's not playing with her hair. 360 00:14:12,521 --> 00:14:15,689 There's very little chance she'll let you put it anywhere. 361 00:14:15,691 --> 00:14:17,908 Your challenge is accepted, Lil. 362 00:14:17,910 --> 00:14:19,960 There is no girl too pretty, 363 00:14:19,962 --> 00:14:21,695 for I am Barney Stinson, 364 00:14:21,697 --> 00:14:24,131 Player King of New York City. 365 00:14:24,133 --> 00:14:26,500 You can't anoint yourself the king, 366 00:14:26,502 --> 00:14:28,468 just like that jerk, LeBron. 367 00:14:28,470 --> 00:14:30,671 He left the Cavs three years ago. 368 00:14:30,673 --> 00:14:32,422 Bro, give it up, move on. 369 00:14:32,424 --> 00:14:34,925 So why am I king? Glad you asked. 370 00:14:34,927 --> 00:14:35,976 - We didn't. - Never do. 371 00:14:35,978 --> 00:14:37,844 It's origin story time. 372 00:14:37,846 --> 00:14:40,547 And trust me, every word is true. 373 00:14:40,549 --> 00:14:44,050 One morning long ago, I woke up next to a conquest. 374 00:14:44,052 --> 00:14:46,320 So many great things 'bout this girl: her boobs, 375 00:14:46,322 --> 00:14:49,055 her rack, her chest. 376 00:14:49,057 --> 00:14:50,607 She had a thirst for action, 377 00:14:50,609 --> 00:14:52,776 and young Barney was a-quenchin' it. 378 00:14:52,778 --> 00:14:54,161 Is this important to the story? 379 00:14:54,163 --> 00:14:55,946 No, just thought I'd mention it. 380 00:14:55,948 --> 00:14:59,199 As I departed, having bid this busty babe buh-bye, 381 00:14:59,201 --> 00:15:01,335 I stopped and looked around, and wondered: 382 00:15:01,337 --> 00:15:02,669 Where the hell am I? 383 00:15:02,671 --> 00:15:05,172 The sign read 22nd Street, and my concern decreased 384 00:15:05,174 --> 00:15:08,408 until a cold wind blew a branch aside, 385 00:15:08,410 --> 00:15:09,710 revealing: "East." 386 00:15:09,712 --> 00:15:12,179 The East Side. No. 387 00:15:12,181 --> 00:15:13,413 Wh... what have I done? 388 00:15:13,415 --> 00:15:14,848 I stammered with chagrin. 389 00:15:14,850 --> 00:15:16,600 Just then a black sedan pulled up... 390 00:15:16,602 --> 00:15:18,302 - You Barney? - Yeah. 391 00:15:18,304 --> 00:15:19,853 Get in. 392 00:15:19,855 --> 00:15:21,104 Is any of this true? 393 00:15:21,106 --> 00:15:24,224 Of course. Now, hang on to your "chayers." 394 00:15:24,226 --> 00:15:26,693 For that day I was called before... 395 00:15:26,695 --> 00:15:29,279 the High Council of Players. 396 00:15:29,281 --> 00:15:32,699 Gentlemen, for your attendance here, our deepest thanks. 397 00:15:32,701 --> 00:15:36,987 I'm sad to say, this council has a poacher in its ranks. 398 00:15:36,989 --> 00:15:40,707 For Barney here picked up a girl outside his territory. 399 00:15:40,709 --> 00:15:43,377 The East Side is Tuxedo Charlie's turf. 400 00:15:43,379 --> 00:15:44,461 He's mad. 401 00:15:44,463 --> 00:15:45,862 True story. 402 00:15:45,864 --> 00:15:49,449 The Agreement of 2004 quite clearly did define 403 00:15:49,451 --> 00:15:52,519 Fifth Avenue to be our hunting grounds' dividing line. 404 00:15:52,521 --> 00:15:56,974 Your West Side college girls are not the slip I park my boat in. 405 00:15:56,976 --> 00:15:58,292 So you should know 406 00:15:58,294 --> 00:16:02,195 my East Side debutantes are quite verboten. 407 00:16:02,197 --> 00:16:04,348 Members of the council... 408 00:16:04,350 --> 00:16:07,133 bros... nobody wants a war. 409 00:16:07,135 --> 00:16:10,270 Of course I've not forgotten the agreement of '04. 410 00:16:10,272 --> 00:16:12,072 What can I say? A bonehead move. 411 00:16:12,074 --> 00:16:13,757 Defend it? I'm not able. 412 00:16:13,759 --> 00:16:16,243 But, bros, have I not been a bro 413 00:16:16,245 --> 00:16:17,828 to each bro at this table? 414 00:16:17,830 --> 00:16:20,080 My friend from Brooklyn, Pickle Jar Bob, 415 00:16:20,082 --> 00:16:21,832 will give some validation. 416 00:16:21,834 --> 00:16:23,066 Remember that young tourist 417 00:16:23,068 --> 00:16:25,652 who was looking for Penn Station? 418 00:16:25,654 --> 00:16:28,372 She'd just come in from Boston, had a wicked good-in-bed look. 419 00:16:28,374 --> 00:16:32,426 I gave her bad directions and she ended up in Red Hook. 420 00:16:32,428 --> 00:16:34,378 - Shut up, Barney. - Whoa, Bronx Donnie, 421 00:16:34,380 --> 00:16:36,096 let's not get excited. 422 00:16:36,098 --> 00:16:39,333 Tuxedo Charlie's not the only one here who's been slighted. 423 00:16:39,335 --> 00:16:42,903 You told her you were Jeter in your quest to lie upon her. 424 00:16:42,905 --> 00:16:45,389 Impersonating Yankees is my thing. 425 00:16:45,391 --> 00:16:47,057 Have you no honor? 426 00:16:47,059 --> 00:16:49,109 Gentlemen, please, let's not blow 427 00:16:49,111 --> 00:16:51,061 this détente to smithereens. 428 00:16:51,063 --> 00:16:53,346 Council recognizes Captain Bill, 429 00:16:53,348 --> 00:16:54,815 our bro from Queens. 430 00:16:54,817 --> 00:16:56,015 Thank you. 431 00:16:56,017 --> 00:16:57,200 You all know me, 432 00:16:57,202 --> 00:16:58,885 and you all respect my game. 433 00:16:59,987 --> 00:17:02,372 I dress up like a pilot and meet girls in baggage claim. 434 00:17:02,374 --> 00:17:05,659 And on my long-ass subway ride from 61st and Woodside, 435 00:17:05,661 --> 00:17:08,745 I came up with a plan to keep you each other's good side. 436 00:17:08,747 --> 00:17:11,298 Barney, you have wronged these two. 437 00:17:11,300 --> 00:17:12,632 So, for the game 438 00:17:12,634 --> 00:17:14,868 they're losing, you now must grant them each 439 00:17:14,870 --> 00:17:17,387 a West Side hottie of their choosing. 440 00:17:17,389 --> 00:17:18,455 You're kidding. 441 00:17:18,457 --> 00:17:19,890 That's the settlement? 442 00:17:19,892 --> 00:17:21,825 - Come on, that's rather silly. - Gentlemen, 443 00:17:21,827 --> 00:17:22,843 what say you? 444 00:17:22,845 --> 00:17:23,844 I want Robin. 445 00:17:23,846 --> 00:17:24,811 I want Lily. 446 00:17:24,813 --> 00:17:26,847 Please. Bronx Donnie? 447 00:17:26,849 --> 00:17:29,182 No chance he could get me in the sack. 448 00:17:29,184 --> 00:17:32,069 Tell that Mafioso I know something he can whack. 449 00:17:32,071 --> 00:17:33,553 Ladies, don't you worry, 450 00:17:33,555 --> 00:17:35,722 your fair legs can all stay closed. 451 00:17:35,724 --> 00:17:37,023 'Cause luckily they took 452 00:17:37,025 --> 00:17:40,026 the counteroffer I proposed. 453 00:17:40,028 --> 00:17:41,328 Well, gentlemen, 454 00:17:41,330 --> 00:17:43,180 it seems there's nothing I can say to sway you. 455 00:17:43,182 --> 00:17:44,514 Charlie, Donnie, 456 00:17:44,516 --> 00:17:46,366 say no more, I gladly will repay you. 457 00:17:46,368 --> 00:17:48,585 Carlotta, some champagne. 458 00:17:48,587 --> 00:17:52,456 Let's toast before we all adjourn. 459 00:17:54,625 --> 00:17:56,877 To boobies. 460 00:17:58,412 --> 00:17:59,629 Oh, and B-T-dub, 461 00:17:59,631 --> 00:18:01,381 y'all just drank poison. 462 00:18:01,383 --> 00:18:02,516 Ha-burn. 463 00:18:19,617 --> 00:18:22,068 And thus, my friends, I have become, 464 00:18:22,070 --> 00:18:24,103 through methods somewhat gory 465 00:18:24,105 --> 00:18:26,823 the Player King of New York City. 466 00:18:26,825 --> 00:18:27,991 Boom. 467 00:18:27,993 --> 00:18:30,276 The end. 468 00:18:30,278 --> 00:18:31,628 True story. 469 00:18:31,630 --> 00:18:33,130 Well, that was great. 470 00:18:33,132 --> 00:18:35,081 Your little story tickled all our ribs. 471 00:18:35,083 --> 00:18:37,000 But one mistake you made, sir, 472 00:18:37,002 --> 00:18:39,386 was forgetting to call dibs. 473 00:18:40,055 --> 00:18:41,454 No! Not fair. 474 00:18:41,456 --> 00:18:43,089 But I'm the king. 475 00:18:43,091 --> 00:18:45,976 - And such a better dresser. - Sorry, dude, 476 00:18:45,978 --> 00:18:47,394 but that's revenge 477 00:18:47,396 --> 00:18:50,096 for Lisa the professor. 478 00:18:51,183 --> 00:18:52,599 Let's have another round. 479 00:18:52,601 --> 00:18:53,817 - Yes. - Your mommy said. 480 00:18:53,819 --> 00:18:55,602 And so we had one. 481 00:18:55,604 --> 00:18:57,487 The night wore on, and I must say, 482 00:18:57,489 --> 00:18:59,439 it wasn't a half bad one. 483 00:18:59,441 --> 00:19:01,741 What memories. Our young and happy hearts 484 00:19:01,743 --> 00:19:04,578 were hot as fire. 485 00:19:04,580 --> 00:19:07,697 Feels like a lifetime since those days. 486 00:19:09,333 --> 00:19:11,451 Sorry, folks, 487 00:19:11,453 --> 00:19:12,919 flat tire. 488 00:19:12,921 --> 00:19:14,421 Oh, come on. 489 00:19:14,423 --> 00:19:16,923 Now I'm never gonna make it to Nantucket. 490 00:19:24,716 --> 00:19:26,633 Oh, look a fireworks display. 491 00:19:26,635 --> 00:19:28,218 Some rockets red glare action. 492 00:19:28,220 --> 00:19:29,502 Thank God. 493 00:19:29,504 --> 00:19:33,106 Thought my glaucoma drops were causing a reaction. 494 00:19:33,108 --> 00:19:37,227 Marvin, I'm so sorry this whole journey's been a bummer. 495 00:19:37,229 --> 00:19:42,315 Soon you'll be right back in Mommy's arms, as warm as summer. 496 00:19:42,317 --> 00:19:45,902 But sadly while your troubles stop once we get to the inn 497 00:19:45,904 --> 00:19:49,289 the moment we arrive is when my troubles will begin. 498 00:19:49,291 --> 00:19:51,908 Sometimes daddies screw up, 499 00:19:51,910 --> 00:19:54,544 sometimes mommies get upset. 500 00:19:54,546 --> 00:19:58,048 I really hope this weekend is a memory you'll forget. 501 00:19:58,050 --> 00:20:01,551 So look up at those fireworks, enjoy the falling embers... 502 00:20:01,553 --> 00:20:05,171 And that, kids, is the very first thing 503 00:20:05,173 --> 00:20:08,642 your cousin Marvin remembers. 504 00:20:11,105 --> 00:20:14,341 Gentlemen and ladies, it'll be an hour or so... 505 00:20:14,342 --> 00:20:16,426 before the truck gets here to give our 506 00:20:16,428 --> 00:20:18,127 broken bus a tow. 507 00:20:18,129 --> 00:20:21,848 So in the meantime I suggest we all get nice and cozy. 508 00:20:21,850 --> 00:20:24,434 We're gonna be here for a while. 509 00:20:25,936 --> 00:20:28,404 Uh, ring-around-the-rosy? 510 00:20:28,406 --> 00:20:30,406 Yeah! 511 00:20:30,408 --> 00:20:33,809 How far do you suppose it is to the Farhampton Inn? 512 00:20:33,811 --> 00:20:35,778 I'd say about five miles away. 513 00:20:35,780 --> 00:20:37,497 Oh, no. 514 00:20:37,499 --> 00:20:38,948 What's with the grin? 515 00:20:38,950 --> 00:20:41,150 Then Marshall looked up heavenward, 516 00:20:41,152 --> 00:20:43,036 and swore by night's first star 517 00:20:43,038 --> 00:20:45,455 five simple words he'd soon regret: 518 00:20:45,457 --> 00:20:46,923 I can walk that far. 519 00:20:46,925 --> 00:20:51,925 == sync by elderman/resynced and corrected by chamallow == == www.addic7ed.com ==