1 00:00:00,794 --> 00:00:02,444 Okay. It's over. 2 00:00:02,646 --> 00:00:04,746 Starting the clock now. 3 00:00:06,546 --> 00:00:08,830 - Labor sucks, huh? - Yeah. 4 00:00:08,832 --> 00:00:10,331 That fun-sounding name? 5 00:00:10,333 --> 00:00:11,966 It's totally misleading. 6 00:00:13,019 --> 00:00:14,185 Better have this baby soon. 7 00:00:14,187 --> 00:00:15,987 You know my mom's rule: 8 00:00:15,989 --> 00:00:18,189 Nothing good happens after 2:00 a.m. 9 00:00:18,191 --> 00:00:19,274 I don't buy it. 10 00:00:19,276 --> 00:00:21,810 Just like I don't buy what her son told me: 11 00:00:21,812 --> 00:00:23,411 "Let's go away for one last weekend 12 00:00:23,413 --> 00:00:24,746 "before the baby comes. 13 00:00:24,748 --> 00:00:26,364 We'll be fine!" 14 00:00:26,366 --> 00:00:28,283 Well, I hate to point fingers, 15 00:00:28,285 --> 00:00:30,418 but you should never listen to me. 16 00:00:30,420 --> 00:00:31,619 You know that. 17 00:00:31,621 --> 00:00:33,004 That's my bad. 18 00:00:34,757 --> 00:00:36,073 Oh! 19 00:00:36,075 --> 00:00:37,509 - Here comes another one. - Already? 20 00:00:37,511 --> 00:00:38,676 - Yeah. Yeah yep. - Okay, okay, okay. 21 00:00:38,678 --> 00:00:40,411 We should get you to the hospital. Come on. 22 00:00:40,413 --> 00:00:41,763 Okay. 23 00:00:41,765 --> 00:00:42,931 Oh, here we go. 24 00:00:42,933 --> 00:00:46,384 Sho-sho-shoes, baby-baby-baby... 25 00:00:49,054 --> 00:00:51,472 You guys can't still see where Marshall slapped me, can you? 26 00:00:51,474 --> 00:00:54,142 Your face looks like a "don't walk" signal. 27 00:00:54,144 --> 00:00:55,527 Your face looks like a photo negative 28 00:00:55,529 --> 00:00:56,811 of the Hamburger Helper box. 29 00:00:56,813 --> 00:00:58,646 A palm reader could tell Marshall's future 30 00:00:58,648 --> 00:01:00,281 by studying your face. 31 00:01:00,283 --> 00:01:02,600 The phrase "talk to the hand 'cause the face ain't listening" 32 00:01:02,602 --> 00:01:03,701 doesn't work for you 33 00:01:03,703 --> 00:01:05,653 because the hand is on your face. 34 00:01:05,655 --> 00:01:08,373 A simple "yes" would've sufficed. 35 00:01:09,041 --> 00:01:10,458 Oh, baby, 36 00:01:10,460 --> 00:01:12,109 I missed you so much. 37 00:01:12,111 --> 00:01:13,661 I am so angry! 38 00:01:13,663 --> 00:01:16,447 I am gonna tear you apart tonight. 39 00:01:16,449 --> 00:01:17,665 I am gonna tear you 40 00:01:17,667 --> 00:01:19,167 - apart tonight! - Okay, okay. 41 00:01:19,169 --> 00:01:20,785 Look, we said that we wouldn't fight 42 00:01:20,787 --> 00:01:23,438 until the gang was all done hanging out, remember? 43 00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:25,623 Ever since Lily heard that Marshall 44 00:01:25,625 --> 00:01:27,291 had accepted an offer to be a judge, 45 00:01:27,293 --> 00:01:29,761 thus jeopardizing their planned year in Italy, 46 00:01:29,763 --> 00:01:31,613 they both knew a big fight was coming. 47 00:01:31,615 --> 00:01:33,948 But when they finally saw each other... 48 00:01:33,950 --> 00:01:35,800 Pause? 49 00:01:35,802 --> 00:01:37,235 Pause. 50 00:01:37,237 --> 00:01:39,520 See, Lily and Marshall had a long tradition 51 00:01:39,522 --> 00:01:41,573 of hitting "pause" on their arguments. 52 00:01:41,575 --> 00:01:43,474 Sometimes they paused because 53 00:01:43,476 --> 00:01:45,610 they suddenly had other things to do. 54 00:01:45,612 --> 00:01:47,795 We have to stick to our budget! Okay? 55 00:01:47,797 --> 00:01:49,781 You cannot be out there buying all these 56 00:01:49,783 --> 00:01:51,532 Brazilian bikini waxes 57 00:01:51,534 --> 00:01:53,317 and Kama Sutra body oils 58 00:01:53,319 --> 00:01:54,969 and edible... Pause. 59 00:01:56,205 --> 00:01:58,339 Sometimes, they paused to keep their fights 60 00:01:58,341 --> 00:01:59,958 from subtly changing subjects. 61 00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:01,492 Baby, I cannot put up with 62 00:02:01,494 --> 00:02:03,628 your shoes being all over the house! 63 00:02:03,630 --> 00:02:05,680 Why not? I put up with your terrible mother. 64 00:02:06,666 --> 00:02:08,132 - Pause! - Pause. 65 00:02:08,134 --> 00:02:09,634 And now that they were paused, 66 00:02:09,636 --> 00:02:11,519 Marshall realized he would do anything 67 00:02:11,521 --> 00:02:13,805 to stay paused for as long as he could. 68 00:02:13,807 --> 00:02:15,506 Okay, time to go to bed. 69 00:02:15,508 --> 00:02:16,641 Big day tomorrow. 70 00:02:16,643 --> 00:02:17,609 - Big day tomorrow! - Big day tomorrow! 71 00:02:17,611 --> 00:02:18,693 Screw tomorrow! 72 00:02:18,695 --> 00:02:19,894 We go big tonight, huh? 73 00:02:19,896 --> 00:02:22,697 - We go big tonight! - We go big tonight! 74 00:02:22,699 --> 00:02:24,282 I mean, uh... 75 00:02:24,284 --> 00:02:25,533 come on, you know, uh, 76 00:02:25,535 --> 00:02:27,785 what time is it, anyway? 77 00:02:31,239 --> 00:02:35,239 How I Met Your Mother 9x15 Unpause Original Air Date on January 20, 2014 78 00:02:35,264 --> 00:02:40,264 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 79 00:02:44,420 --> 00:02:46,370 Hey, where's the baby? 80 00:02:47,923 --> 00:02:49,674 - The elevator! - The elevator! 81 00:02:50,927 --> 00:02:52,376 Ah, that joke just never gets old. 82 00:02:52,378 --> 00:02:54,712 And it's not at all inspired by real-life events. 83 00:02:54,714 --> 00:02:56,497 - No, it is not. - Mm-mm. 84 00:02:56,499 --> 00:02:58,716 Anyway, the sitter has Marvin for the night. 85 00:02:58,718 --> 00:02:59,851 Ooh! 86 00:02:59,853 --> 00:03:02,020 And now... the best thing 87 00:03:02,022 --> 00:03:03,705 to come out of my cross-country trip: 88 00:03:03,707 --> 00:03:05,523 a little segment I like to call 89 00:03:05,525 --> 00:03:09,327 "Embarrassing Souvenirs I Picked Up From Ted's Childhood Home." 90 00:03:11,665 --> 00:03:14,983 "Totally Awesome Ted." 91 00:03:14,985 --> 00:03:17,001 What, did you steal this off some other kid named Ted? 92 00:03:17,003 --> 00:03:18,369 I'm just getting warmed up here. 93 00:03:18,371 --> 00:03:19,837 This is fun. 94 00:03:19,839 --> 00:03:21,739 We're all... you know, it's... 95 00:03:21,741 --> 00:03:23,074 I'm having fun. 96 00:03:23,076 --> 00:03:25,677 When you squeeze this toy, a recording of Ted says, 97 00:03:25,679 --> 00:03:27,929 "I wuv you, Mommy!" 98 00:03:27,931 --> 00:03:29,047 Oh, but that's sweet! 99 00:03:29,049 --> 00:03:30,932 Why would we make fun of him for that? 100 00:03:30,934 --> 00:03:32,750 He gave it to her when he was 19. 101 00:03:32,752 --> 00:03:34,202 I wuv you, Mommy. 102 00:03:36,506 --> 00:03:39,757 And lastly, a photo of young Ted 103 00:03:39,759 --> 00:03:42,727 and his best friend dressed up like cowboys. 104 00:03:42,729 --> 00:03:43,728 No, oh, all right. 105 00:03:43,730 --> 00:03:45,046 Leave him alone. 106 00:03:45,048 --> 00:03:46,531 His best friend was a balloon. 107 00:03:46,533 --> 00:03:47,532 I want to see that picture 108 00:03:47,534 --> 00:03:48,774 more than I want to get married! 109 00:03:51,237 --> 00:03:52,537 I hate you so much. 110 00:03:53,655 --> 00:03:56,374 Oo yah maya stupa koon! 111 00:03:56,376 --> 00:03:58,409 Ho ho ho! 112 00:03:58,411 --> 00:03:59,977 Over the years, we'd seen 113 00:03:59,979 --> 00:04:02,296 all sorts of levels of Barney's drunkenness. 114 00:04:02,298 --> 00:04:03,614 How you doin'? 115 00:04:03,616 --> 00:04:04,916 "Richard Dawson drunk..." 116 00:04:04,918 --> 00:04:06,718 Ah, is this your sister? 117 00:04:07,953 --> 00:04:09,637 "Big plans with strangers drunk..." 118 00:04:09,639 --> 00:04:10,638 Hey! 119 00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:12,040 Me and the Road Dawgs 120 00:04:12,042 --> 00:04:14,959 going splitsies on a time share in Flint, Michigan! 121 00:04:14,961 --> 00:04:16,961 And... 122 00:04:16,963 --> 00:04:19,130 non-refundably booked! 123 00:04:19,132 --> 00:04:21,733 Come on! I'm gonna buy you all some mopeds! 124 00:04:21,735 --> 00:04:22,850 Road Dawgs! 125 00:04:22,852 --> 00:04:25,153 And "Marcel Marceau drunk..." 126 00:04:26,939 --> 00:04:29,240 But we knew the night was over whenever Barney got... 127 00:04:29,242 --> 00:04:30,274 "Jabba drunk." 128 00:04:30,276 --> 00:04:32,360 So drunk that his speech 129 00:04:32,362 --> 00:04:34,162 bore an uncanny resemblance to that of... 130 00:04:34,164 --> 00:04:37,448 Jabba the Hutt from Return of the Jedi. 131 00:04:37,450 --> 00:04:38,616 Bo shuda! 132 00:04:38,618 --> 00:04:39,650 Ha ha ha! 133 00:04:39,652 --> 00:04:41,619 Okay, we have to go to bed. 134 00:04:41,621 --> 00:04:42,570 Big day tomorrow. 135 00:04:42,572 --> 00:04:43,704 - Big day tomorrow! - Noon-eeg Han Solo! 136 00:04:43,706 --> 00:04:44,822 Screw tomorrow! 137 00:04:44,824 --> 00:04:46,657 Let's go big tonight! 138 00:04:46,659 --> 00:04:48,676 - We go big tonight! - Ah wotto potto tapa ho! 139 00:04:48,678 --> 00:04:50,995 No, Marshall, let's go now. 140 00:04:51,713 --> 00:04:52,780 Okay, okay, okay, okay. 141 00:04:52,782 --> 00:04:54,348 Look, I-I guess we have to do this. 142 00:04:54,350 --> 00:04:57,618 Okay, first off, I know how important Italy was to you... 143 00:04:57,620 --> 00:04:59,687 Shut up and do me! 144 00:05:01,390 --> 00:05:03,808 Okay, we have to go to bed. 145 00:05:03,810 --> 00:05:04,976 Yeah. 146 00:05:06,278 --> 00:05:07,879 Yeah. I need to get 147 00:05:07,881 --> 00:05:09,947 my ear hair trimmed in the morning. 148 00:05:09,949 --> 00:05:11,949 It's like a rain forest in there. 149 00:05:11,951 --> 00:05:14,685 Uh, why would you volunteer that information? 150 00:05:14,687 --> 00:05:15,987 Because it's the truth. 151 00:05:15,989 --> 00:05:19,657 Also, I peed a little on my tie at the urinal. 152 00:05:19,659 --> 00:05:21,859 Uh, Barney... 153 00:05:21,861 --> 00:05:23,527 who's taller: me or you? 154 00:05:23,529 --> 00:05:25,797 You're taller. I wear lifts in all my shoes. 155 00:05:25,799 --> 00:05:27,165 Oh, my God, Robin... 156 00:05:27,167 --> 00:05:29,484 Barney has reached a whole new level. 157 00:05:29,486 --> 00:05:31,669 He's "truth serum drunk." 158 00:05:31,671 --> 00:05:33,187 He can't lie. 159 00:05:33,189 --> 00:05:35,006 So we can finally get the answers 160 00:05:35,008 --> 00:05:36,674 we've always been wondering about. 161 00:05:36,676 --> 00:05:38,059 Look, I know you said you had to go to bed, 162 00:05:38,061 --> 00:05:39,093 but I really think... 163 00:05:39,095 --> 00:05:40,561 Screw tomorrow! 164 00:05:40,563 --> 00:05:41,696 We go big tonight. 165 00:05:41,698 --> 00:05:43,347 Yeah. 166 00:05:43,349 --> 00:05:45,666 - Hey, buddy. - Hey, buddy. 167 00:05:45,668 --> 00:05:47,718 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 168 00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:48,686 We're not unpaused? 169 00:05:48,688 --> 00:05:49,770 Not yet. 170 00:05:49,772 --> 00:05:51,105 Mama needs some Papa. 171 00:05:51,107 --> 00:05:52,523 But as soon as we're done having sex, 172 00:05:52,525 --> 00:05:53,557 we are having that fight! 173 00:05:53,559 --> 00:05:55,326 Wait, so we're... 174 00:05:55,328 --> 00:05:57,561 not gonna fight 175 00:05:57,563 --> 00:06:00,531 until after we're done having sex. 176 00:06:00,533 --> 00:06:02,733 Challenge accepted. 177 00:06:03,844 --> 00:06:05,294 Um, so... just, just to be clear, 178 00:06:05,573 --> 00:06:07,173 after we finish having sex, 179 00:06:07,175 --> 00:06:08,758 that's when we'll have our fight? 180 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:09,776 That's right. 181 00:06:09,778 --> 00:06:11,945 Excuse me. 182 00:06:18,218 --> 00:06:20,319 Okay, Marshall. 183 00:06:20,321 --> 00:06:21,654 It's go time. 184 00:06:21,656 --> 00:06:23,656 You've had great nights of sex before, 185 00:06:23,658 --> 00:06:25,291 most of them with Lily, 186 00:06:25,293 --> 00:06:26,993 a few by yourself... 187 00:06:26,995 --> 00:06:28,745 and we'll always have that 188 00:06:28,747 --> 00:06:31,047 Unscrambled Spice Channel Glitch of '93... 189 00:06:31,049 --> 00:06:33,750 but this has got to be the performance of a lifetime. 190 00:06:33,752 --> 00:06:35,585 Jimi Hendrix at Monterey. 191 00:06:35,587 --> 00:06:37,804 James Brown at the Apollo. 192 00:06:37,806 --> 00:06:39,922 Your law school funk band pretty much anywhere. 193 00:06:39,924 --> 00:06:41,758 So get out there 194 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:45,178 and bang your wife for as long as you possibly can! 195 00:06:45,714 --> 00:06:48,949 Not a good sign that I'm already out of breath. 196 00:06:53,070 --> 00:06:55,905 So... Barney will answer 197 00:06:55,907 --> 00:06:58,925 any question we ask him with the truth? 198 00:06:58,927 --> 00:07:00,209 I think so. 199 00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:02,278 Honey... 200 00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:05,865 when that Bryan Adams song came on the radio, 201 00:07:05,867 --> 00:07:08,000 did two mosquitoes really fly into your eyes 202 00:07:08,002 --> 00:07:09,035 at the same time? 203 00:07:09,037 --> 00:07:10,586 No. 204 00:07:10,588 --> 00:07:12,705 I got all choked up thinking about how 205 00:07:12,707 --> 00:07:15,825 everything he does, he does it for her. 206 00:07:15,827 --> 00:07:17,293 Checks out. 207 00:07:17,295 --> 00:07:18,427 Okay, what next? 208 00:07:18,429 --> 00:07:19,745 I mean, it's... 209 00:07:19,747 --> 00:07:21,080 it's so hard to know where to begin. 210 00:07:21,082 --> 00:07:22,081 I mean, there are so many... 211 00:07:22,083 --> 00:07:23,582 What did you do to my mom?! 212 00:07:24,601 --> 00:07:26,135 Well, that night, 213 00:07:26,137 --> 00:07:27,970 we were in my car... 214 00:07:27,972 --> 00:07:29,372 I was wrong! I can't handle this! 215 00:07:29,374 --> 00:07:31,374 Uh, just tell me in baseball terms. 216 00:07:31,376 --> 00:07:33,592 I got thrown out trying to stretch 217 00:07:33,594 --> 00:07:34,927 a single into a double. 218 00:07:38,482 --> 00:07:39,866 I can live with that. 219 00:07:40,984 --> 00:07:43,102 How about that time you walked into the bar 220 00:07:43,104 --> 00:07:45,021 wearing "Triple-X-Ray Goggles"? 221 00:07:46,740 --> 00:07:49,441 Well, hello, you two lovely ladies. 222 00:07:49,443 --> 00:07:50,626 What are you wearing? 223 00:07:50,628 --> 00:07:51,828 Oh, hey, Robin, didn't see you there. 224 00:07:51,830 --> 00:07:54,947 Just Triple-X-Ray Goggles, no big deal. Oh... 225 00:07:54,949 --> 00:07:57,166 There is no way those things work. 226 00:07:57,168 --> 00:07:58,885 I'm not even here. 227 00:07:58,887 --> 00:08:00,753 Just act natural. 228 00:08:04,074 --> 00:08:05,341 Right. 229 00:08:05,343 --> 00:08:07,810 'Cause that jacket's made of lead. 230 00:08:07,812 --> 00:08:10,146 Those things didn't work, did they? 231 00:08:10,148 --> 00:08:12,682 Absolutely. Lily's boobs always work for me. 232 00:08:12,684 --> 00:08:14,267 Oh, the goggles? No. 233 00:08:14,269 --> 00:08:16,686 Next question. 234 00:08:16,688 --> 00:08:19,906 You keep saying "ring bear" 235 00:08:19,908 --> 00:08:22,474 instead of ring bear-er. 236 00:08:23,476 --> 00:08:25,778 Will there or will there not 237 00:08:25,780 --> 00:08:27,830 be a bear at our wedding? 238 00:08:27,832 --> 00:08:30,366 The truth is... 239 00:08:30,368 --> 00:08:32,151 aggle flaggle klabble. 240 00:08:32,153 --> 00:08:33,970 Wumby flappy snurp... 241 00:08:33,972 --> 00:08:35,571 Oh, my God, he's dipped back down to Jabba drunk! 242 00:08:35,573 --> 00:08:36,655 Give him another drink! 243 00:08:36,657 --> 00:08:38,507 Come on. 244 00:08:38,509 --> 00:08:40,659 Oh, yeah, baby. 245 00:08:40,661 --> 00:08:42,511 I could go all night. 246 00:08:42,513 --> 00:08:44,881 I can't hold out much longer! 247 00:08:44,883 --> 00:08:47,233 What are the least arousing things I can think of? 248 00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:50,669 Day-old roadkill 249 00:08:50,671 --> 00:08:53,105 Ah, yeah... 250 00:08:53,107 --> 00:08:54,607 Fingernail 251 00:08:54,609 --> 00:08:59,195 Fingernail clippings 252 00:08:59,197 --> 00:09:01,781 That is some dull stuff 253 00:09:01,783 --> 00:09:06,235 How your TMJ night guard smells in the morning 254 00:09:06,237 --> 00:09:08,537 Nasty 255 00:09:08,539 --> 00:09:10,573 Bugs... 256 00:09:10,575 --> 00:09:13,059 Mmm 257 00:09:13,061 --> 00:09:15,544 More bugs 258 00:09:15,546 --> 00:09:17,179 It's working! It's working! 259 00:09:17,181 --> 00:09:19,916 Uh-oh, it's working too well. 260 00:09:19,918 --> 00:09:23,236 Think sexy thoughts. Think sexy thoughts! 261 00:09:23,238 --> 00:09:26,739 Bugs with boobs... 262 00:09:26,741 --> 00:09:28,207 Marshall, are you all right? 263 00:09:28,209 --> 00:09:29,308 You don't seem to be, um... 264 00:09:29,310 --> 00:09:32,561 Please, uh, excuse Medium-Sized Fudge. 265 00:09:33,830 --> 00:09:36,382 6 and 3/64 inches. 266 00:09:36,384 --> 00:09:37,683 Yeah, he's back to telling the truth. 267 00:09:37,685 --> 00:09:38,951 Okay, Barney, 268 00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:40,719 how are you always able to do that magic trick 269 00:09:40,721 --> 00:09:42,355 where you make doves appear? 270 00:09:42,357 --> 00:09:45,574 Special dehydrated birds I get in Chinatown. 271 00:09:48,412 --> 00:09:49,946 I knew it! 272 00:09:49,948 --> 00:09:52,231 Okay. Okay. 273 00:09:52,233 --> 00:09:54,583 Will there or will there not 274 00:09:54,585 --> 00:09:57,036 be a bear at our wedding? 275 00:09:57,038 --> 00:09:58,571 The truth is... 276 00:09:58,573 --> 00:10:00,873 - Barney... - Oh, come on! 277 00:10:00,875 --> 00:10:02,341 I know that you always say 278 00:10:02,343 --> 00:10:03,709 that you don't need any kind of 279 00:10:03,711 --> 00:10:06,095 "help" in bed, but if you, um... 280 00:10:06,097 --> 00:10:07,763 I always keep these on hand. 281 00:10:07,765 --> 00:10:09,215 But be careful. 282 00:10:09,217 --> 00:10:11,634 When you go off, there's a kickback like a cannon. 283 00:10:11,636 --> 00:10:13,519 Thank you. 284 00:10:15,255 --> 00:10:17,589 How much a year do you spend on suits? 285 00:10:17,591 --> 00:10:20,309 Kids, I won't bother you with the number... 286 00:10:20,311 --> 00:10:22,361 but it was a crapload. 287 00:10:22,363 --> 00:10:24,213 Around one crapload. 288 00:10:24,215 --> 00:10:25,564 That much? 289 00:10:25,566 --> 00:10:27,116 Well... aren't you concerned about your future? 290 00:10:27,118 --> 00:10:28,267 Nope. 291 00:10:28,269 --> 00:10:30,236 Especially since Robin is massively wealthy. 292 00:10:30,238 --> 00:10:31,671 -- Barney! - What? 293 00:10:31,673 --> 00:10:32,822 You're rich? 294 00:10:32,824 --> 00:10:33,973 L-Like how rich? 295 00:10:33,975 --> 00:10:35,241 It's my family's money, not mine. 296 00:10:35,243 --> 00:10:36,292 I-I don't really know how much. 297 00:10:36,294 --> 00:10:37,660 How much is her family worth? 298 00:10:37,662 --> 00:10:39,245 6,000 craploads. 299 00:10:39,247 --> 00:10:40,612 Canadian craploads. 300 00:10:40,614 --> 00:10:41,947 That much?! 301 00:10:41,949 --> 00:10:42,948 But when we dated, 302 00:10:42,950 --> 00:10:44,283 I paid for everything. 303 00:10:44,285 --> 00:10:45,901 You didn't pay for everything. 304 00:10:45,903 --> 00:10:46,886 He paid for everything. 305 00:10:46,888 --> 00:10:48,771 I pick up our bar tab all the time. 306 00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:50,423 Three times in the last nine years. 307 00:10:50,425 --> 00:10:52,591 I took you out to tons of four-star restaurants. 308 00:10:52,593 --> 00:10:53,676 Two-star restaurants. 309 00:10:53,678 --> 00:10:55,461 Figuring, on average, two meals out a week 310 00:10:55,463 --> 00:10:56,962 plus 20% tip... 311 00:10:56,964 --> 00:10:58,180 12 and a half percent tip. 312 00:10:58,182 --> 00:11:00,483 Do you know how much money you cost me? 313 00:11:00,485 --> 00:11:01,834 What am I? A prostitute? 314 00:11:01,836 --> 00:11:03,319 You are not a prostitute. 315 00:11:03,321 --> 00:11:05,404 No, a prostitute would've been cheaper. 316 00:11:05,406 --> 00:11:07,390 Depends on the prostitute. 317 00:11:07,392 --> 00:11:09,558 Wait, hold on, Ted What are we doing? 318 00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:10,976 You're arguing about Robin's wealth 319 00:11:10,978 --> 00:11:13,446 when you really should be asking me embarrassing questions. 320 00:11:13,448 --> 00:11:14,997 He's right. 321 00:11:14,999 --> 00:11:15,915 Let's do this. 322 00:11:15,917 --> 00:11:17,366 And so we did it. 323 00:11:17,368 --> 00:11:19,068 We asked Barney all the questions 324 00:11:19,070 --> 00:11:20,052 we'd always wanted to. 325 00:11:20,054 --> 00:11:22,755 In one night? Four. 326 00:11:22,757 --> 00:11:25,391 In one family? Three. 327 00:11:25,393 --> 00:11:28,761 Yes, but not while she was secretary of state. 328 00:11:28,763 --> 00:11:32,381 Yes, but not while she was secretary of state. 329 00:11:32,383 --> 00:11:33,799 Just once. 330 00:11:33,801 --> 00:11:36,835 With a French male model Henri. 331 00:11:36,837 --> 00:11:38,104 It was late. 332 00:11:38,106 --> 00:11:40,022 We were the last two people in the club. 333 00:11:40,024 --> 00:11:42,475 I was lonely and I figured, why not try it? 334 00:11:43,777 --> 00:11:46,545 That was the only time I ever split a cab. 335 00:11:46,547 --> 00:11:49,398 Yes, but not the M.I.T. you're thinking of. 336 00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:52,284 The Magician's Institute of Teaneck. 337 00:11:52,286 --> 00:11:55,988 I've had sex in Ted's bed 14 times. 338 00:11:55,990 --> 00:11:59,525 I asked if you wear shoulder pads. 339 00:11:59,527 --> 00:12:02,044 I think I've just got one question left. 340 00:12:02,046 --> 00:12:03,612 And it's a biggie. 341 00:12:04,464 --> 00:12:06,715 Barney Stinson... 342 00:12:06,717 --> 00:12:08,968 ...what do you do for a living? 343 00:12:11,788 --> 00:12:12,905 You did it. 344 00:12:12,907 --> 00:12:15,707 You banged your wife to sleep. 345 00:12:15,709 --> 00:12:17,893 Nice job... 346 00:12:19,679 --> 00:12:22,231 Still-Big Fudge. 347 00:12:24,884 --> 00:12:27,019 I wuv you, Mommy. 348 00:12:27,021 --> 00:12:28,187 Unpause. 349 00:12:29,605 --> 00:12:31,598 Kids, in all the time we knew Barney, 350 00:12:31,607 --> 00:12:34,658 there was one question he would always answer the same way. 351 00:12:34,660 --> 00:12:36,393 Seriously, what is it that you do? 352 00:12:36,395 --> 00:12:37,778 Please. 353 00:12:37,780 --> 00:12:38,745 Okay, seriously. 354 00:12:38,747 --> 00:12:40,414 What do you do for a living? 355 00:12:40,416 --> 00:12:42,049 Please. 356 00:12:42,051 --> 00:12:44,284 Are you finally gonna tell me exactly what your job is? 357 00:12:44,286 --> 00:12:45,953 Please. 358 00:12:45,955 --> 00:12:48,772 So, naturally, this was a pretty big moment for us. 359 00:12:48,774 --> 00:12:52,742 Well, what do you do for a living? 360 00:12:56,247 --> 00:12:58,081 Please. 361 00:12:58,083 --> 00:12:59,349 God, he's not telling us. 362 00:12:59,351 --> 00:13:00,350 More booze. 363 00:13:00,352 --> 00:13:02,803 Not so fast, princess. 364 00:13:02,805 --> 00:13:04,638 I guess subtle clues and the bar tab 365 00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:06,607 are two things you just don't pick up. 366 00:13:06,609 --> 00:13:07,757 Because... 367 00:13:07,759 --> 00:13:10,227 I think he is telling us. 368 00:13:10,229 --> 00:13:12,529 Tell us more about this job. 369 00:13:13,448 --> 00:13:14,681 Well, as you know, 370 00:13:14,683 --> 00:13:16,283 back in my hippie days, 371 00:13:16,285 --> 00:13:18,235 a business man came into my coffee shop, 372 00:13:18,237 --> 00:13:20,070 told me money was all that mattered, 373 00:13:20,072 --> 00:13:21,488 and stole my girlfriend. 374 00:13:21,490 --> 00:13:25,108 That's when I decided to become awesome. 375 00:13:25,110 --> 00:13:28,645 But I had no idea how to break into the corporate world. 376 00:13:28,647 --> 00:13:30,047 So, hoping he wouldn't recognize me, 377 00:13:30,049 --> 00:13:31,781 I went to the one person from whom 378 00:13:31,783 --> 00:13:34,384 I knew I could learn everything. 379 00:13:34,386 --> 00:13:35,802 Do we know each other, bro? 380 00:13:35,804 --> 00:13:39,473 We're all connected in Gaia's great tapestry of... 381 00:13:39,475 --> 00:13:41,558 No. 382 00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:42,893 We don't. 383 00:13:42,895 --> 00:13:44,728 Bro. 384 00:13:46,014 --> 00:13:47,347 Wow, you went to M.I.T. 385 00:13:47,349 --> 00:13:48,515 Pretty impressive. 386 00:13:48,517 --> 00:13:51,401 I did get a perfect score on the A.C.T.'s. 387 00:13:51,403 --> 00:13:54,404 Advanced Card Tricks. 388 00:13:54,406 --> 00:13:55,606 Well, look, buddy. 389 00:13:55,608 --> 00:13:57,107 You got a sweet résumé. 390 00:13:57,109 --> 00:13:59,192 But we don't have any openings you're qualified for. 391 00:13:59,194 --> 00:14:01,862 They set me up! It was a trap! It's a trap! 392 00:14:03,814 --> 00:14:06,466 We have one opening you'd be perfect for. 393 00:14:06,468 --> 00:14:08,535 Great. What do I do? 394 00:14:08,537 --> 00:14:10,621 Please. 395 00:14:10,623 --> 00:14:13,040 "Provide Legal Exculpation And Sign Everything." 396 00:14:13,042 --> 00:14:14,257 Just show up every day, 397 00:14:14,259 --> 00:14:15,976 scribble your name on a bunch of documents, 398 00:14:15,978 --> 00:14:18,011 and we'll pay you 16 craploads a year. 399 00:14:19,163 --> 00:14:20,297 Deets are in the contract. 400 00:14:20,299 --> 00:14:21,739 I'll give you time to think about it. 401 00:14:23,301 --> 00:14:24,718 I'll take it. 402 00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:25,769 Hold on. 403 00:14:25,771 --> 00:14:27,421 Did you even read this before signing it? 404 00:14:27,423 --> 00:14:28,388 No. 405 00:14:28,390 --> 00:14:29,723 You're hired. 406 00:14:32,310 --> 00:14:33,276 We'll work on that. 407 00:14:33,278 --> 00:14:34,645 Wait. 408 00:14:34,647 --> 00:14:35,646 That's your job? 409 00:14:35,648 --> 00:14:37,864 You sign sketchy, legally binding documents 410 00:14:37,866 --> 00:14:40,017 that could implicate you for God knows what? 411 00:14:40,019 --> 00:14:42,169 Best job ever, right? 412 00:14:43,388 --> 00:14:45,455 No more pausing. 413 00:14:45,457 --> 00:14:47,157 We're getting through this argument. 414 00:14:47,159 --> 00:14:49,042 Okay. 415 00:14:49,044 --> 00:14:51,011 No potshots at my mom. 416 00:14:51,013 --> 00:14:52,796 Fine, no distracting me with your calves. 417 00:14:52,798 --> 00:14:54,998 Fine. 418 00:14:58,603 --> 00:15:01,054 Look, I love you, Lilypad. 419 00:15:01,056 --> 00:15:02,723 I love you, Marshmallow. 420 00:15:02,725 --> 00:15:04,641 Now... 421 00:15:06,311 --> 00:15:09,613 ...how could you take that job without telling me?! 422 00:15:09,615 --> 00:15:12,564 Baby, I'm sorry, but they needed an answer right away. 423 00:15:12,565 --> 00:15:13,681 This is a huge opportunity, 424 00:15:13,683 --> 00:15:15,400 it could be very good for our family, 425 00:15:15,402 --> 00:15:17,352 and we have to at least talk about it. 426 00:15:17,354 --> 00:15:20,104 Sorry, you lost your chance to talk about it 427 00:15:20,106 --> 00:15:22,156 when you didn't talk about it. 428 00:15:22,891 --> 00:15:24,475 We're going to Italy. 429 00:15:24,477 --> 00:15:25,943 But I could be a judge. 430 00:15:25,945 --> 00:15:29,080 We can't give that up for what is clearly just a hobby. 431 00:15:29,082 --> 00:15:30,248 Pause. 432 00:15:30,250 --> 00:15:31,499 No pause. 433 00:15:31,501 --> 00:15:33,484 That "hobby" is my dream. 434 00:15:33,486 --> 00:15:35,169 We're going to Italy. 435 00:15:35,171 --> 00:15:36,254 But it's my dream to... 436 00:15:36,256 --> 00:15:37,505 We are going to Italy! 437 00:15:37,507 --> 00:15:38,873 Baby, can you just...? 438 00:15:38,875 --> 00:15:40,508 We are going to Italy! 439 00:15:40,510 --> 00:15:41,709 Don't you get it? 440 00:15:41,711 --> 00:15:43,878 You went behind my back. 441 00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:45,596 You hurt me. 442 00:15:45,598 --> 00:15:49,567 You were more selfish than I have ever been to you. 443 00:15:49,569 --> 00:15:54,472 You broke up with me and moved to San Francisco. 444 00:15:55,607 --> 00:15:57,392 Barney! You're being stupid. 445 00:15:57,394 --> 00:15:59,894 The-the-the company is setting you up as their fall guy 446 00:15:59,896 --> 00:16:02,480 for all of their illegal activities. 447 00:16:02,482 --> 00:16:05,316 No, you guys are being stupid. 448 00:16:05,318 --> 00:16:06,868 Especially Ted. 449 00:16:06,870 --> 00:16:08,453 What? I didn't say anything. 450 00:16:08,455 --> 00:16:12,240 And then, kids, Barney revealed to us his master plan. 451 00:16:12,242 --> 00:16:14,776 It all went down a few months after the wedding. 452 00:16:14,778 --> 00:16:16,694 Hey, Greg? 453 00:16:16,696 --> 00:16:18,046 I know you're busy, 454 00:16:18,048 --> 00:16:20,114 but FYI, I've been colluding with the Feds. 455 00:16:20,116 --> 00:16:21,382 They know everything. 456 00:16:21,384 --> 00:16:22,917 And they're on their way up right now 457 00:16:22,919 --> 00:16:24,552 to shut down this division and arrest you. 458 00:16:24,554 --> 00:16:25,887 Door closed or...? 459 00:16:25,889 --> 00:16:27,221 What? 460 00:16:27,223 --> 00:16:28,589 Why would you do that? 461 00:16:28,591 --> 00:16:31,225 Oh, gosh, countless moral reasons... 462 00:16:31,227 --> 00:16:32,643 could have applied, 463 00:16:32,645 --> 00:16:36,431 but this is pretty much revenge for stealing my girlfriend. 464 00:16:36,433 --> 00:16:38,048 See? That day, I vowed 465 00:16:38,050 --> 00:16:40,551 I would do everything in my power to track you down, 466 00:16:40,553 --> 00:16:42,270 gain your trust, 467 00:16:42,272 --> 00:16:45,022 and then destroy you. 468 00:16:45,024 --> 00:16:46,324 Who are you? 469 00:16:46,326 --> 00:16:47,358 Who am I? 470 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:49,026 Just a guy who served you 471 00:16:49,028 --> 00:16:50,561 coffee once. 472 00:16:50,563 --> 00:16:51,846 Peace out, loser. 473 00:16:51,848 --> 00:16:53,698 Barney Stinson, Barney Stinson 474 00:16:53,700 --> 00:16:55,333 You son of a bitch! That guy's awesome 475 00:16:55,335 --> 00:16:58,068 I will destroy you! Get your hands off of me. 476 00:16:58,070 --> 00:17:01,189 Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh 477 00:17:01,191 --> 00:17:03,541 Awesome. 478 00:17:03,543 --> 00:17:05,009 Why are you 479 00:17:05,011 --> 00:17:06,594 bringing up San Francisco? 480 00:17:06,596 --> 00:17:08,629 That was seven years ago. 481 00:17:08,631 --> 00:17:10,581 Because you are being 482 00:17:10,583 --> 00:17:12,967 selfish all over again. 483 00:17:12,969 --> 00:17:14,852 Marshall, I apologized 484 00:17:14,854 --> 00:17:17,421 over and over again. 485 00:17:17,423 --> 00:17:20,141 Now you're saying you never have forgiven me? 486 00:17:20,143 --> 00:17:21,275 There is 487 00:17:21,277 --> 00:17:24,195 nothing more important to me than our family. 488 00:17:24,197 --> 00:17:25,446 You know that. 489 00:17:25,448 --> 00:17:26,697 Well, let me ask. 490 00:17:26,699 --> 00:17:29,233 What if you had found success in San Francisco? 491 00:17:29,968 --> 00:17:31,452 How do I know that you even 492 00:17:31,454 --> 00:17:32,670 would've come back to me? 493 00:17:32,672 --> 00:17:34,438 Stop it. 494 00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:35,907 Are Marvin and I 495 00:17:35,909 --> 00:17:38,543 and any other future children we may have 496 00:17:38,545 --> 00:17:41,129 just some consolation prize? 497 00:17:41,131 --> 00:17:43,297 I have to get out of here. 498 00:17:45,617 --> 00:17:46,584 Babe? 499 00:17:48,888 --> 00:17:50,087 So, Barney, 500 00:17:50,089 --> 00:17:51,589 I still haven't heard you pronounce 501 00:17:51,591 --> 00:17:53,007 that last syllable. 502 00:17:53,809 --> 00:17:57,228 At our wedding, will there be 503 00:17:57,230 --> 00:17:59,680 a ring bear-er? 504 00:18:01,184 --> 00:18:02,934 The truth is... 505 00:18:03,836 --> 00:18:06,838 ...yes, there will be a ring bear-er. 506 00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:08,823 His name is Trevor Hudson, 507 00:18:08,825 --> 00:18:10,958 I worked with his mother, and he's adorable. 508 00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:13,778 I want our wedding to be perfect, Robin. 509 00:18:13,780 --> 00:18:15,613 Me, too. 510 00:18:16,582 --> 00:18:17,648 Okay, I'm gonna go upstairs. 511 00:18:17,650 --> 00:18:18,783 He's okay to crash with you, right? 512 00:18:18,785 --> 00:18:20,868 Yup, we'll see you in the morning. 513 00:18:20,870 --> 00:18:22,537 Hmm. 514 00:18:22,539 --> 00:18:23,704 I love you. 515 00:18:23,706 --> 00:18:25,506 I love you, too. 516 00:18:29,428 --> 00:18:32,296 Okay, I got one last question for you. 517 00:18:32,298 --> 00:18:34,398 And I can't believe I haven't asked it yet. 518 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:37,034 Dude, you're getting married tomorrow. 519 00:18:38,203 --> 00:18:40,171 - How are you doing? - Good. 520 00:18:40,173 --> 00:18:42,773 I mean, I'm a little nervous, 521 00:18:42,775 --> 00:18:46,510 but I love Robin more than I've ever loved anyone, 522 00:18:46,512 --> 00:18:49,130 and I'm gonna do everything I can to make her happy. 523 00:18:49,132 --> 00:18:50,648 For a long time, 524 00:18:50,650 --> 00:18:52,850 deep down, 525 00:18:52,852 --> 00:18:55,019 I've felt sort of... 526 00:18:55,021 --> 00:18:57,788 broken? 527 00:18:57,790 --> 00:19:00,241 I don't feel that way anymore. 528 00:19:00,243 --> 00:19:02,526 Robin, along with the idea 529 00:19:02,528 --> 00:19:05,296 that vengeance will soon be mine, 530 00:19:05,298 --> 00:19:09,133 has made me 100% awesome. 531 00:19:09,135 --> 00:19:10,401 I'm proud of you, buddy. 532 00:19:10,403 --> 00:19:13,387 Globan froban. 533 00:19:13,389 --> 00:19:14,472 Ho, ho, ho. 534 00:19:14,474 --> 00:19:15,473 Okay. 535 00:19:15,475 --> 00:19:16,724 Come on, Jabba. 536 00:19:16,726 --> 00:19:17,675 Big day tomorrow. 537 00:19:17,677 --> 00:19:19,844 Tab for the night? 538 00:19:19,846 --> 00:19:21,378 Just so you know, 539 00:19:21,380 --> 00:19:24,899 those last few rounds of 35-year Glen McKenna were not cheap. 540 00:19:24,901 --> 00:19:25,983 Whoa. 541 00:19:25,985 --> 00:19:27,051 Um... 542 00:19:27,053 --> 00:19:28,402 you know what? 543 00:19:28,404 --> 00:19:29,687 Charge them to the bride's room. 544 00:19:29,689 --> 00:19:30,855 Thank you. 545 00:19:30,857 --> 00:19:31,889 Come on. 546 00:19:31,891 --> 00:19:33,824 Let's go. We got you. 547 00:19:33,826 --> 00:19:36,577 Kids, it's your grandmother's favorite rule. 548 00:19:36,579 --> 00:19:38,930 Nothing good happens after 2:00 a.m. 549 00:19:38,932 --> 00:19:42,066 Hi. I-I know it's late, but I've got to get out of here. 550 00:19:42,068 --> 00:19:45,086 Marshall and I just had a huge fight. 551 00:19:45,088 --> 00:19:47,371 You will? 552 00:19:47,373 --> 00:19:50,124 Oh, my God, thank you. 553 00:20:02,354 --> 00:20:03,971 Okay, here we go. 554 00:20:03,973 --> 00:20:06,140 - You good, yeah? - Yeah. 555 00:20:06,142 --> 00:20:08,559 Okay. 556 00:20:08,561 --> 00:20:09,593 Okay. 557 00:20:09,595 --> 00:20:10,695 Everything is fine. 558 00:20:10,697 --> 00:20:11,779 Okay? Just don't freak out. 559 00:20:11,781 --> 00:20:12,763 I'm not freaking out. 560 00:20:12,765 --> 00:20:13,781 I was talking to myself. 561 00:20:13,783 --> 00:20:15,316 Do you have the baby? 562 00:20:15,318 --> 00:20:16,667 - The elevator! - What?! 563 00:20:16,669 --> 00:20:18,402 Marshall and Lily are right. It never gets old. 564 00:20:18,404 --> 00:20:19,870 Unless you're crowning. 565 00:20:19,872 --> 00:20:21,706 - So proud of you. - Thank you. 566 00:20:21,708 --> 00:20:23,374 Penny is proud of you. 567 00:20:23,376 --> 00:20:24,992 Let's go get you a brother. 568 00:20:24,994 --> 00:20:26,594 - Okay? - Hmm? 569 00:20:26,596 --> 00:20:27,662 You want a brother? All right? 570 00:20:27,664 --> 00:20:29,947 I love you. I love you, too. 571 00:20:29,949 --> 00:20:31,115 You're gonna be great. 572 00:20:31,117 --> 00:20:32,266 Yeah, okay. 573 00:20:32,268 --> 00:20:34,885 2:00 a.m., it's a good rule, 574 00:20:34,887 --> 00:20:37,287 but every rule has an exception. 575 00:20:37,289 --> 00:20:40,057 And for us, that exception was you, Luke. 576 00:20:40,059 --> 00:20:41,926 We're having a baby! 577 00:20:47,901 --> 00:20:49,685 Come on, Trevor Hudson. 578 00:20:49,687 --> 00:20:51,070 It's feeding time. 579 00:20:51,072 --> 00:20:56,072 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man