1 00:00:08,471 --> 00:00:09,008 Hi. 2 00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:11,743 Hi. 3 00:00:11,745 --> 00:00:13,111 Okay. 4 00:00:16,649 --> 00:00:18,416 So I thought we'd... try this new restaurant. 5 00:00:18,418 --> 00:00:20,018 It's right around the corner from here. 6 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,686 It's Scottish-Mexican fusion. 7 00:00:21,688 --> 00:00:23,088 Scottish-Mexican fusion? 8 00:00:23,090 --> 00:00:24,689 Scottish-Mexican fusion. 9 00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:27,192 That would seem like two things that do not fuse. 10 00:00:27,194 --> 00:00:28,793 Perhaps you'll change your mind when you try 11 00:00:28,795 --> 00:00:30,362 their signature haggis enchiladas. 12 00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:31,730 Okay. 13 00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:34,466 All right. Yeah, come on. Lead the way. 14 00:00:34,468 --> 00:00:37,302 I was surprised when you called. 15 00:00:37,304 --> 00:00:38,670 Isn't there some universal guy rule 16 00:00:38,672 --> 00:00:41,239 where you have to wait four days to call a girl? 17 00:00:41,241 --> 00:00:43,274 That... does not ring a bell. 18 00:00:43,276 --> 00:00:44,609 And it's three days. 19 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,278 Here we are. 20 00:00:49,516 --> 00:00:52,117 Uh, I did not realize there would be live music. 21 00:00:52,119 --> 00:00:54,452 So, uh, should we... 22 00:00:54,454 --> 00:00:55,620 Eat anywhere but here? 23 00:00:55,622 --> 00:00:57,288 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 24 00:00:57,290 --> 00:00:58,957 Besides, I'm sure we can find a place 25 00:00:58,959 --> 00:01:00,125 where we don't need reservations. 26 00:01:00,127 --> 00:01:01,593 Oh, you think it's just that easy? 27 00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:03,828 Just stroll in off the street and get a meal? 28 00:01:03,830 --> 00:01:07,766 Well, let me tell you the tale of Gary Blauman. 29 00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:09,300 There's the blushing bride! 30 00:01:09,302 --> 00:01:10,802 Oh! 31 00:01:10,804 --> 00:01:12,103 Gary Blauman! 32 00:01:12,105 --> 00:01:13,638 How are you?! 33 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:15,573 Uh, duh, like I need to ask. 34 00:01:15,575 --> 00:01:16,875 You're getting married. 35 00:01:16,877 --> 00:01:19,177 Well, don't let me keep you. You have things to do. 36 00:01:19,179 --> 00:01:21,913 I will see you walking down the aisle. 37 00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:25,550 I'll be the guy in the eighth row going like this. 38 00:01:26,085 --> 00:01:28,119 Right?! Right. 39 00:01:28,121 --> 00:01:29,421 Good luck today! Thank you. 40 00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:31,055 Okay. 41 00:01:31,891 --> 00:01:33,458 Hey, there's the blushing bride... 42 00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:34,759 Code red! 43 00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:38,762 ♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x21 ♪ Gary Blauman Original Air Date on March 17, 2014 44 00:01:38,787 --> 00:01:43,787 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 45 00:01:47,540 --> 00:01:49,774 Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, 46 00:01:49,776 --> 00:01:51,209 oh, my God! Why the code red? 47 00:01:51,211 --> 00:01:53,344 I mean, if it's... if it's about your hair, 48 00:01:53,346 --> 00:01:55,447 I didn't even notice; especially not from the back. 49 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:57,649 What? Nothing. 50 00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:59,684 Gary Blauman is here, and I had no idea he was coming. 51 00:01:59,686 --> 00:02:01,419 His reply card must've gotten lost in the mail. 52 00:02:01,421 --> 00:02:02,620 I mean, where's he gonna sit? 53 00:02:02,622 --> 00:02:04,923 It took us weeks to plan the seating chart! 54 00:02:04,925 --> 00:02:06,891 Robin. 55 00:02:06,893 --> 00:02:08,159 Shh. 56 00:02:08,861 --> 00:02:10,962 I got you. Huh? 57 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,897 You're talking to the seating chart master. 58 00:02:12,899 --> 00:02:15,700 At my own wedding, I managed to sit small-town Minnesotans 59 00:02:15,702 --> 00:02:19,604 right next to liberal New Yorkers with grace and aplomb. 60 00:02:19,606 --> 00:02:22,707 Table 27 still gets together once a year for a reunion. 61 00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:25,176 Perhaps you've seen their photos on Facebook. 62 00:02:27,313 --> 00:02:28,580 Like I said... 63 00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:29,981 I got you. 64 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:31,182 Thanks, Marshall. 65 00:02:35,222 --> 00:02:37,989 Code red! 66 00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,591 Grandma's sitting next to the band, 67 00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:41,926 divorced couple sitting one table away from each other, 68 00:02:41,928 --> 00:02:44,028 no coherent singles table. 69 00:02:44,030 --> 00:02:46,331 This is the Robin's hair of seating charts. 70 00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:47,333 Singles tables are cruel. 71 00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:48,900 I mean, what if you went to a wedding 72 00:02:48,902 --> 00:02:50,502 and there was a table of all fat guys? 73 00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:52,270 That would be awesome. You're right, it would. 74 00:02:52,272 --> 00:02:53,771 Let's crack this Gary Blauman nut first, 75 00:02:53,773 --> 00:02:55,673 and then we'll work on the fat guy table. 76 00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:57,842 Wait, did you say Gary Blauman? 77 00:02:57,844 --> 00:02:59,744 Yeah. Why? 78 00:02:59,746 --> 00:03:03,214 I... hate... that guy. 79 00:03:03,216 --> 00:03:04,282 Why? 80 00:03:04,284 --> 00:03:05,583 Remember a few years ago 81 00:03:05,585 --> 00:03:07,585 when I read that biography of Teddy Roosevelt? 82 00:03:07,587 --> 00:03:09,187 For weeks after I read it, 83 00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:12,323 I only wanted to talk about one thing. 84 00:03:12,325 --> 00:03:15,560 Teddy Roosevelt was the coolest guy ever! 85 00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:18,863 Oh, that's it! No more books, Ted. 86 00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:21,533 I don't like the person you become when you read books. 87 00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:23,701 Here's the deal: you get to tell us one more 88 00:03:23,703 --> 00:03:26,004 interesting fact about Teddy Roosevelt. 89 00:03:26,006 --> 00:03:28,473 One more, and then you're done forever. 90 00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:29,941 So make it a good one. 91 00:03:29,943 --> 00:03:32,243 Okay. 92 00:03:32,245 --> 00:03:34,846 He went blind in one eye... 93 00:03:34,848 --> 00:03:37,615 from getting hit too hard in a boxing match... 94 00:03:38,250 --> 00:03:40,151 ...while he was president! 95 00:03:40,153 --> 00:03:41,419 That's a pretty good one. Wow. 96 00:03:41,421 --> 00:03:42,487 That is kind of... 97 00:03:42,489 --> 00:03:43,988 Right?! Oh, and when he was at Harvard... 98 00:03:43,990 --> 00:03:45,890 No! No! Shut up! Oh, my God! Please! 99 00:03:45,892 --> 00:03:47,992 Well, one night, we were throwing a party 100 00:03:47,994 --> 00:03:50,562 to celebrate... something-- 101 00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:52,096 I-I can't remember what-- 102 00:03:52,098 --> 00:03:54,065 when a pretty girl I had never met 103 00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,733 noticed the book on the coffee table. 104 00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:57,702 I can't believe you have this book. 105 00:03:57,704 --> 00:03:58,903 I just finished reading it. 106 00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:02,473 Teddy Roosevelt was the coolest guy ever. 107 00:04:02,475 --> 00:04:04,509 A unicorn. 108 00:04:04,511 --> 00:04:05,743 I couldn't believe it. 109 00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:07,312 It was a stroke of luck on par 110 00:04:07,314 --> 00:04:09,781 with the 50-page manuscript in Roosevelt's breast pocket 111 00:04:09,783 --> 00:04:12,083 that helped slow that would-be assassin's bullet. 112 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:12,917 Dude, come on. 113 00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:14,519 Sorry. Anyway... 114 00:04:14,521 --> 00:04:17,088 enter Gary Blauman. 115 00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,624 Is that the Teddy Roosevelt biography? 116 00:04:19,626 --> 00:04:21,426 Coolest guy ever. 117 00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:23,661 Right? Right? 118 00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:25,196 Right? Right? 119 00:04:25,198 --> 00:04:27,999 Right? Right? Right? 120 00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:30,435 So the three of us started talking Teddy Roosevelt. 121 00:04:30,437 --> 00:04:32,370 When he took that four-minute flight 122 00:04:32,372 --> 00:04:33,605 on the Wright brother's plane? 123 00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:34,772 So cool. 124 00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:36,641 The time he climbed the tallest mountain 125 00:04:36,643 --> 00:04:38,443 in Europe on his honeymoon. 126 00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:39,644 So cool. 127 00:04:39,646 --> 00:04:41,212 And that's when I realized, 128 00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:43,314 Blauman and I were locked in a battle of wills 129 00:04:43,316 --> 00:04:45,516 that made T.R.'s charge up San Juan Hill 130 00:04:45,518 --> 00:04:47,018 look like a walk in the park. 131 00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:49,220 Or should I say, in the national park, 132 00:04:49,222 --> 00:04:50,254 since it was Roosevelt 133 00:04:50,256 --> 00:04:51,756 who spearheaded the establishment... 134 00:04:51,758 --> 00:04:53,758 Dude, come on. I gave you one. 135 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:56,661 The battle raged on. 136 00:04:56,663 --> 00:04:58,630 In a way, he was... 137 00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:02,700 ...the archetype of the modern politician! 138 00:05:03,603 --> 00:05:05,203 Dude, knock it off. 139 00:05:05,205 --> 00:05:06,938 Knock what off, bro? 140 00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:08,039 This is my apartment, 141 00:05:08,041 --> 00:05:09,140 my Teddy Roosevelt conversation, 142 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:10,508 I get the girl. 143 00:05:10,510 --> 00:05:12,977 Oh, so the fact that you're the incumbent means 144 00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:14,112 she should just pick you? 145 00:05:14,114 --> 00:05:16,147 Tell that to William Howard Taft. 146 00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:18,716 You're calling me Taft? 147 00:05:18,718 --> 00:05:20,518 If anyone's Taft, you're Taft! 148 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:22,387 I'm not Taft! I'm Teddy! 149 00:05:22,389 --> 00:05:24,422 The hell you are. My name is Ted! 150 00:05:24,424 --> 00:05:27,659 Yeah, right. Go sign the Payne-Aldrich Tariff Act, Taft! 151 00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:29,927 How dare you? 152 00:05:29,929 --> 00:05:32,797 Skinny-dipping in the Potomac River. 153 00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:37,001 And so the standoff continued, hours passed... 154 00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:39,170 then days. 155 00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:41,472 Days passed? Days passed. 156 00:05:41,474 --> 00:05:44,876 Finally, a T.R. stricken by tropical fever 157 00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:48,546 on his Amazon trek, we could go no further. 158 00:05:48,548 --> 00:05:51,082 When he was Assistant Secretary of the Navy... 159 00:05:51,084 --> 00:05:52,650 Will you just pick one of us already 160 00:05:52,652 --> 00:05:54,719 so I can either have sex or go to sleep! 161 00:05:56,655 --> 00:05:58,890 Smooth, bro. 162 00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:01,492 After that day, I have never liked that guy. 163 00:06:01,494 --> 00:06:03,628 So let's just tell Robin this can't be done, 164 00:06:03,630 --> 00:06:05,263 and send Gary Blauman packing. 165 00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:06,731 Did you just say 166 00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:08,332 Gary Blauman? 167 00:06:08,334 --> 00:06:09,233 Yeah. 168 00:06:09,235 --> 00:06:11,602 I... 169 00:06:11,604 --> 00:06:13,371 love that guy! 170 00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:14,839 What?! He's the devil! 171 00:06:14,841 --> 00:06:16,708 He's an angel. 172 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:19,811 It was 2006, Marshall and I had broken up, 173 00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:21,913 and I was back in New York feeling vulnerable 174 00:06:21,915 --> 00:06:24,415 and listening to my breakup song over and over. 175 00:06:24,417 --> 00:06:26,718 Sugar Ray's "Fly." You know it. 176 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,586 Man, you know nothing about breakups. 177 00:06:28,588 --> 00:06:29,954 I really don't. 178 00:06:29,956 --> 00:06:32,523 Anyway, then I hit bottom. 179 00:06:32,525 --> 00:06:33,691 There's a bottom below Sugar Ray? 180 00:06:33,693 --> 00:06:35,426 Mm. 181 00:06:35,428 --> 00:06:37,361 What?! 182 00:06:37,363 --> 00:06:39,397 Why have I never seen that before? 183 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:40,565 I've been using cover-up 184 00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:42,900 and strategically placed straps for a long time 185 00:06:42,902 --> 00:06:44,769 to keep this puppy quiet. 186 00:06:44,771 --> 00:06:47,038 After all the times you guys made fun of me 187 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:48,539 for my breakup butterfly tattoo? 188 00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:52,877 Oh, the fact that Ted got a butterfly tattoo, 189 00:06:52,879 --> 00:06:55,079 will you ever stop being hilarious? 190 00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:57,081 So why is it only half a butterfly? 191 00:06:57,083 --> 00:07:00,485 Because Gary Blauman saw me in the tattoo parlor, 192 00:07:00,487 --> 00:07:03,121 dragged me out and talked some sense into me. 193 00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:04,889 Lily, trust me, 194 00:07:04,891 --> 00:07:07,024 you and Marshall are going to get back together. 195 00:07:07,026 --> 00:07:10,094 And when you do, you will be so glad you did not get 196 00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:11,763 the other half of that butterfly. 197 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:15,933 Actually, I was gonna get a little more than the butterfly. 198 00:07:18,570 --> 00:07:21,105 It's good that I ran into you. 199 00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:23,374 Marshall, Blauman saved you from a lifetime 200 00:07:23,376 --> 00:07:26,444 of looking at Sugar Ray every time we do it on your birthday. 201 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:27,945 Find him a nice seat. 202 00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:30,248 No, no, do not find him a seat. 203 00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:32,049 I'm telling you, this guy... You find him a nice... 204 00:07:32,051 --> 00:07:33,484 Neither of us was gonna back down, 205 00:07:33,486 --> 00:07:35,920 so finally we decided to take it to the groom. 206 00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:38,856 Wh-What's going on? Shh! 207 00:07:38,858 --> 00:07:40,024 Wha...? 208 00:07:42,961 --> 00:07:43,961 Who's that guy? 209 00:07:43,963 --> 00:07:46,130 It's my ex-boyfriend. 210 00:07:49,950 --> 00:07:51,450 So, we're crouching behind a van, 211 00:07:51,452 --> 00:07:53,052 hiding from your ex-boyfriend. 212 00:07:53,354 --> 00:07:56,088 Forgive me, I'm a little bit of a detective. 213 00:07:56,090 --> 00:07:57,723 It was a bad breakup? 214 00:07:57,725 --> 00:07:59,091 Pretty bad. 215 00:07:59,093 --> 00:08:01,059 Bad like there was a big fight? 216 00:08:01,061 --> 00:08:03,162 Bad like there was a big ring. 217 00:08:03,164 --> 00:08:05,297 Bad like this happened in the past year? 218 00:08:05,299 --> 00:08:08,367 Bad like it happened Saturday. 219 00:08:08,369 --> 00:08:10,335 So bad. 220 00:08:10,337 --> 00:08:11,603 Yeah. 221 00:08:13,873 --> 00:08:15,674 Okay, he's gone. 222 00:08:16,843 --> 00:08:19,278 I'm so sorry, Ted. 223 00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:21,947 I really like you, but I'm-I'm in 224 00:08:21,949 --> 00:08:24,816 the weirdest place on Earth right now. 225 00:08:24,818 --> 00:08:26,518 You're in a Scottish-Mexican restaurant? 226 00:08:27,655 --> 00:08:28,787 Yup. 227 00:08:28,789 --> 00:08:31,323 Yeah, I am. 228 00:08:32,225 --> 00:08:34,960 It's just too soon for me to be dating. 229 00:08:34,962 --> 00:08:36,895 I think I should head home. 230 00:08:36,897 --> 00:08:40,365 Well, want me to walk with you? 231 00:08:40,367 --> 00:08:43,035 Lots of scary ex-boyfriends in this neighborhood. 232 00:08:43,037 --> 00:08:44,870 Sure. 233 00:08:45,805 --> 00:08:47,406 I do want to hear the rest of that story. 234 00:08:47,408 --> 00:08:49,107 Right, right the story. 235 00:08:49,109 --> 00:08:50,209 Yeah. 236 00:08:50,211 --> 00:08:53,545 So, we decided to take it to the groom. 237 00:08:53,547 --> 00:08:55,180 Did you say Gary Blauman? 238 00:08:55,182 --> 00:08:56,348 Yeah. 239 00:08:56,350 --> 00:08:57,649 Gary Blauman? 240 00:08:57,651 --> 00:08:58,450 Yes. 241 00:08:58,452 --> 00:09:01,520 Blauman... comma, Gary? 242 00:09:01,522 --> 00:09:03,822 Point, comma, get to the damn. 243 00:09:03,824 --> 00:09:06,658 I... 244 00:09:13,433 --> 00:09:15,234 love... 245 00:09:15,236 --> 00:09:17,402 that we have the opportunity to destroy 246 00:09:17,404 --> 00:09:20,539 Gary Blauman's weekend by kicking him out of the wedding! 247 00:09:20,541 --> 00:09:23,909 Yes! Gary Blauman Haters' Club right here! 248 00:09:23,911 --> 00:09:25,744 What that guy did to me. 249 00:09:25,746 --> 00:09:28,347 Oh... God! 250 00:09:28,349 --> 00:09:29,414 It makes me 251 00:09:29,416 --> 00:09:31,583 furious to this day! 252 00:09:31,585 --> 00:09:34,019 Okay, okay, I'm gonna try and tell this story 253 00:09:34,021 --> 00:09:35,621 without completely losing it. 254 00:09:35,623 --> 00:09:37,689 Ready? Okay, here goes. 255 00:09:37,691 --> 00:09:39,224 I was at the... 256 00:09:42,462 --> 00:09:44,029 Nope, not gonna happen. Give me a second. 257 00:09:44,031 --> 00:09:45,597 Ooh! Ooh! 258 00:09:45,599 --> 00:09:47,299 I was at the bar. 259 00:09:47,301 --> 00:09:49,167 Hey, Barney! 260 00:09:49,169 --> 00:09:50,502 What's up, Blauman? Have a seat. 261 00:09:50,504 --> 00:09:51,737 Oh, thanks. 262 00:09:51,739 --> 00:09:54,239 Your fries. Need anything? 263 00:09:54,241 --> 00:09:55,941 I'm good, thanks. 264 00:09:55,943 --> 00:09:58,810 Oh, but he was not good, thanks. 265 00:09:58,812 --> 00:10:01,079 He was not good, thanks, at all! 266 00:10:01,081 --> 00:10:04,116 Oh, what? Did he take one of your fries? 267 00:10:04,118 --> 00:10:05,817 Take one? 268 00:10:06,753 --> 00:10:08,420 Take one? 269 00:10:08,422 --> 00:10:10,188 Lily, it would have been one thing 270 00:10:10,190 --> 00:10:13,158 if he took one of my fries; that would have been one thing. 271 00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:15,861 No, Lily, that day, 272 00:10:15,863 --> 00:10:18,030 Blauman took... 273 00:10:21,467 --> 00:10:23,935 ...four of my fries! 274 00:10:23,937 --> 00:10:26,271 But that's not even the capper! 275 00:10:26,273 --> 00:10:28,774 Here's the part that still keeps me up at night: 276 00:10:28,776 --> 00:10:30,709 the fourth fry he took... 277 00:10:30,711 --> 00:10:33,245 the fourth fry he took... 278 00:10:36,116 --> 00:10:37,816 Buddy, you oka... you okay? 279 00:10:40,487 --> 00:10:43,088 The fourth fry he took... 280 00:10:45,491 --> 00:10:47,759 ...was an accidental curly. 281 00:10:59,906 --> 00:11:02,841 You don't take a man's accidental curly. 282 00:11:02,843 --> 00:11:03,909 You take a man's wife 283 00:11:03,911 --> 00:11:06,478 before you take his accidental curly. 284 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:07,312 If you wanted 285 00:11:07,314 --> 00:11:09,047 curly fries so bad, 286 00:11:09,049 --> 00:11:11,483 why not just order them in the first place? 287 00:11:11,485 --> 00:11:12,551 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 288 00:11:12,553 --> 00:11:13,852 'Cause that's what you want. 289 00:11:13,854 --> 00:11:15,721 All curly fries. 290 00:11:15,723 --> 00:11:18,457 Regular cut with a few accidental curlies. 291 00:11:18,459 --> 00:11:19,624 That's what you want. 292 00:11:19,626 --> 00:11:21,126 That's the dream. He's right. 293 00:11:21,128 --> 00:11:23,228 That is the dream. No! 294 00:11:23,230 --> 00:11:25,364 I refuse to look down from the altar 295 00:11:25,366 --> 00:11:28,500 as I say my vows to the woman of my dreams, 296 00:11:28,502 --> 00:11:31,703 and see that damned, stupid, 297 00:11:31,705 --> 00:11:33,705 accidental-curly- fry-stealing 298 00:11:33,707 --> 00:11:35,674 Gary Blauman! 299 00:11:35,676 --> 00:11:37,008 Did you say Gary Blauman? 300 00:11:37,810 --> 00:11:40,078 I... 301 00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:41,747 hate... 302 00:11:41,749 --> 00:11:43,382 to disagree with Barney. 303 00:11:44,050 --> 00:11:45,517 But I love that guy! 304 00:11:45,519 --> 00:11:48,353 I just met him earlier today. 305 00:11:48,355 --> 00:11:49,821 Oh, my gosh! 306 00:11:49,823 --> 00:11:50,922 It's you. 307 00:11:50,924 --> 00:11:52,057 Yeah. 308 00:11:52,059 --> 00:11:54,259 You're the poet William Zabka. 309 00:11:55,762 --> 00:11:58,163 Nobody ever recognizes me for my poetry. 310 00:11:58,165 --> 00:12:00,031 He has all six of my collections. 311 00:12:00,933 --> 00:12:02,067 When Terry Gross interviewed me 312 00:12:02,069 --> 00:12:04,302 on Fresh Air, he listened live. 313 00:12:04,871 --> 00:12:07,272 Gary Blauman rules! 314 00:12:07,274 --> 00:12:08,573 Gary Blauman? 315 00:12:09,075 --> 00:12:11,743 I... 316 00:12:12,612 --> 00:12:13,745 hate... 317 00:12:14,914 --> 00:12:16,715 ...that I once thought I loved Gary Blauman. 318 00:12:16,717 --> 00:12:19,284 Ooh, this sounds good. 319 00:12:19,286 --> 00:12:21,920 Gary's the guy that I had an affair with. 320 00:12:21,922 --> 00:12:25,690 Tom found out, threw me out of the house. 321 00:12:25,692 --> 00:12:28,760 Now the kids are from a broken home. 322 00:12:28,762 --> 00:12:32,297 Because of Gary Blauman, everything that matters to me 323 00:12:32,299 --> 00:12:34,399 is gone. 324 00:12:37,303 --> 00:12:38,804 I got that beat. 325 00:12:38,806 --> 00:12:40,338 So, I was ordering these fries... 326 00:12:40,340 --> 00:12:41,840 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 327 00:12:41,842 --> 00:12:42,841 Blauman's gay? 328 00:12:42,843 --> 00:12:43,942 Well... 329 00:12:43,944 --> 00:12:45,577 then that means that night, 330 00:12:45,579 --> 00:12:49,548 the real battle was between Blauman 331 00:12:49,550 --> 00:12:51,450 and the girl. 332 00:12:51,452 --> 00:12:54,719 And the prize... was this guy. 333 00:12:56,089 --> 00:12:57,489 Keep telling yourself that, buddy. 334 00:12:57,491 --> 00:12:59,191 I don't want to see Gary Blauman at my brother's wedding. 335 00:12:59,193 --> 00:13:00,311 Neither do I! 336 00:13:00,336 --> 00:13:01,427 I'm the brother in question! Now, now, hold on. 337 00:13:04,331 --> 00:13:06,465 Order! Order! 338 00:13:06,467 --> 00:13:09,434 Robin put this on my plate, and so I'll make the decision. 339 00:13:09,436 --> 00:13:12,003 Now, let's take a short recess. 340 00:13:12,005 --> 00:13:12,971 Everybody out. 341 00:13:12,973 --> 00:13:14,439 Okay. 342 00:13:14,441 --> 00:13:17,342 Lily, out of court settlement. 343 00:13:17,344 --> 00:13:20,045 Drop this whole thing, and I'll give you ten bucks. 344 00:13:20,047 --> 00:13:21,947 No. 345 00:13:24,317 --> 00:13:26,518 I can't go higher than ten. 346 00:13:28,789 --> 00:13:32,624 I'm ready to give my decision. 347 00:13:32,626 --> 00:13:33,725 This was a tough one. 348 00:13:33,727 --> 00:13:35,527 Lot of good points on both sides. 349 00:13:35,529 --> 00:13:38,396 But ultimately... Blauman stays. 350 00:13:38,398 --> 00:13:39,464 Yeah. What in the...? 351 00:13:39,466 --> 00:13:40,799 For one simple reason. 352 00:13:40,801 --> 00:13:43,935 There is a higher law at every wedding. 353 00:13:43,937 --> 00:13:46,471 A law that trumps all other arguments. 354 00:13:46,473 --> 00:13:49,841 When the bride asks for something, she gets it. 355 00:13:49,843 --> 00:13:50,709 Yes. 356 00:13:50,711 --> 00:13:52,210 - Wow. - Good point. 357 00:13:52,212 --> 00:13:53,378 He's right. 358 00:13:53,380 --> 00:13:55,780 This fake court thing is adjourned. 359 00:13:55,782 --> 00:13:58,717 Judged. 360 00:13:58,719 --> 00:14:00,485 Well, I guess let's go find Blauman 361 00:14:00,487 --> 00:14:01,887 and tell him the good news. 362 00:14:01,889 --> 00:14:03,588 Yeah, about that. Bit of a wrinkle. 363 00:14:03,590 --> 00:14:05,924 I was just in the hallway, ran into Blauman. 364 00:14:05,926 --> 00:14:07,859 I told him if he didn't leave immediately, 365 00:14:07,861 --> 00:14:09,995 then Billy Zabka was gonna crane-kick him in the face. 366 00:14:09,997 --> 00:14:11,096 What?! 367 00:14:11,098 --> 00:14:12,731 But that's not even my move! 368 00:14:12,733 --> 00:14:13,598 I... 369 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:14,533 We have to stop him. 370 00:14:14,535 --> 00:14:15,901 Barney! I... 371 00:14:15,903 --> 00:14:17,669 Come on, come on, come on. 372 00:14:17,671 --> 00:14:19,170 So, we all run out to the parking lot 373 00:14:19,172 --> 00:14:21,740 to stop Gary Blauman from leaving the wedding... 374 00:14:22,675 --> 00:14:24,442 What are you doing? 375 00:14:24,444 --> 00:14:25,844 This is my place. 376 00:14:25,846 --> 00:14:28,480 Oh. 377 00:14:28,482 --> 00:14:29,948 So, uh... 378 00:14:29,950 --> 00:14:33,151 well, I guess this... this is where I leave you. 379 00:14:37,589 --> 00:14:39,557 This is your place. 380 00:14:39,559 --> 00:14:41,326 Yup. 381 00:14:41,328 --> 00:14:44,262 You sure it's not a few blocks that way? 382 00:14:44,264 --> 00:14:46,664 Nope, it's right here. 383 00:14:46,666 --> 00:14:48,933 It's right where you picked me up. 384 00:14:48,935 --> 00:14:50,601 So it is. 385 00:14:52,404 --> 00:14:55,740 Well... good night. 386 00:14:55,742 --> 00:14:56,774 Good night. 387 00:14:58,243 --> 00:14:59,978 Eight years earlier, I probably would've given 388 00:14:59,980 --> 00:15:01,546 some embarrassing speech, confessed my love 389 00:15:01,548 --> 00:15:02,780 and scared her off. 390 00:15:02,782 --> 00:15:04,282 But I didn't. 391 00:15:04,284 --> 00:15:07,251 Because somehow I just knew this was all gonna work out. 392 00:15:07,253 --> 00:15:09,087 Ted? Oh, thank God. 393 00:15:13,759 --> 00:15:16,627 Do you at least want to finish your story? 394 00:15:16,629 --> 00:15:19,731 Right. 395 00:15:19,733 --> 00:15:23,034 So, we all ran out to the parking lot, and... 396 00:15:23,036 --> 00:15:25,269 Blauman, Blauman, I'm sorry. 397 00:15:25,271 --> 00:15:27,372 You can stay. Billy won't kick you in the face. 398 00:15:27,374 --> 00:15:28,673 It's not even my move. 399 00:15:28,675 --> 00:15:30,675 If I was gonna do anything, I'd sweep the leg, 400 00:15:30,677 --> 00:15:32,877 and put you in a body bag; everyone knows that. 401 00:15:32,879 --> 00:15:35,480 What...? Is that from one of your poems? 402 00:15:35,482 --> 00:15:37,248 Thank you for that. 403 00:15:38,217 --> 00:15:40,084 Please stick around, for the bride. 404 00:15:40,086 --> 00:15:42,453 You're not a Taft. Even if you are, 405 00:15:42,455 --> 00:15:44,022 Roosevelt shouldn't have divided the party like that. 406 00:15:44,024 --> 00:15:45,656 I mean, he handed the election to Wilson. 407 00:15:45,658 --> 00:15:47,325 Completely, right? Right? Right? 408 00:15:48,395 --> 00:15:50,395 No, wait! No! All right? 409 00:15:50,397 --> 00:15:51,629 Forget it! 410 00:15:52,498 --> 00:15:54,298 And, James, I'm sorry 411 00:15:54,300 --> 00:15:55,533 about you and Tom. 412 00:15:55,535 --> 00:15:58,236 But you have to stop blaming me for your own decisions. 413 00:15:59,138 --> 00:16:01,773 Well, guys, take a good look. 414 00:16:01,775 --> 00:16:05,209 This face you won't be seeing again. 415 00:16:06,912 --> 00:16:09,781 Come... 416 00:16:09,783 --> 00:16:11,049 The bri... the bri... 417 00:16:11,051 --> 00:16:13,551 Gary? 418 00:16:15,154 --> 00:16:16,854 He's really leaving. 419 00:16:16,856 --> 00:16:18,156 Hey, Barney. 420 00:16:18,957 --> 00:16:20,825 You still, uh, have my wedding ring? 421 00:16:20,827 --> 00:16:23,261 Yeah. 422 00:16:24,563 --> 00:16:26,697 I've got some work to do. 423 00:16:26,699 --> 00:16:28,933 Excuse me. 424 00:16:31,737 --> 00:16:33,104 Blauman will cool off eventually. 425 00:16:33,106 --> 00:16:34,272 We'll see him again. 426 00:16:34,274 --> 00:16:35,139 Of course we will. 427 00:16:35,141 --> 00:16:36,407 I don't know. 428 00:16:36,409 --> 00:16:38,810 I mean, we might really never see him again. 429 00:16:38,812 --> 00:16:41,079 Because I remember at our wedding 430 00:16:41,081 --> 00:16:42,480 looking out and thinking, 431 00:16:42,482 --> 00:16:44,849 "Man, everyone here means so much to me." 432 00:16:45,584 --> 00:16:46,884 A bunch of those people, 433 00:16:46,886 --> 00:16:49,320 you know, I haven't seen them since. 434 00:16:49,322 --> 00:16:51,289 And that's how it goes, kids. 435 00:16:51,291 --> 00:16:54,158 The friends, neighbors, drinking buddies 436 00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:56,160 and partners in crime you love so much 437 00:16:56,162 --> 00:16:58,996 when you're young, as the years go by, 438 00:16:58,998 --> 00:17:00,865 you just lose touch. 439 00:17:03,168 --> 00:17:04,535 That being said, 440 00:17:04,537 --> 00:17:07,438 I did manage to keep track of a few people. 441 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:10,608 Carl's still behind the bar at MacLaren's. 442 00:17:10,610 --> 00:17:12,477 Hey, watch it over there. 443 00:17:12,479 --> 00:17:13,978 Yeah, watch it over there! 444 00:17:13,980 --> 00:17:15,880 It's become a family business. 445 00:17:15,882 --> 00:17:17,748 Jeanette was arrested for mailing jars of urine 446 00:17:17,750 --> 00:17:18,983 to Val Kilmer. 447 00:17:18,985 --> 00:17:20,118 No, not that Val Kilmer. 448 00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:21,986 She narrowly avoided prison time, 449 00:17:21,988 --> 00:17:25,189 but did receive mandatory psychological counseling. 450 00:17:25,191 --> 00:17:27,959 Hello, handsome. 451 00:17:27,961 --> 00:17:31,195 I should say up front, I'm not allowed to date my... 452 00:17:31,197 --> 00:17:32,363 Oh, what the hell. 453 00:17:32,365 --> 00:17:35,733 She and Kevin live in Poughkeepsie now. 454 00:17:35,735 --> 00:17:38,669 Ranjit made a couple really good stock picks, and, well, 455 00:17:38,671 --> 00:17:40,538 he owns the limo service now. 456 00:17:40,540 --> 00:17:42,540 Bitterman, get the car. 457 00:17:42,542 --> 00:17:44,242 Getting the car, sir. 458 00:17:44,244 --> 00:17:46,677 Patrice has her own drive-time radio show. 459 00:17:46,679 --> 00:17:48,446 People call in, she gives advice. 460 00:17:48,448 --> 00:17:50,615 Because sometimes I just feel like 461 00:17:50,617 --> 00:17:52,083 he never listens to me, you know? 462 00:17:52,085 --> 00:17:54,252 Gosh, caller, that's a real pickle. 463 00:17:54,254 --> 00:17:56,087 You know, my grandma always says... 464 00:17:56,089 --> 00:17:58,256 Damn it, Patrice, I'm not finished! 465 00:17:58,258 --> 00:18:00,525 Sorry, sorry, go on. 466 00:18:00,527 --> 00:18:02,627 William Zabka became the youngest poet ever 467 00:18:02,629 --> 00:18:05,530 to win the American Humanities Medal for Literature. 468 00:18:05,532 --> 00:18:08,833 He's currently working on a collection of travel essays. 469 00:18:08,835 --> 00:18:10,401 Hyah! 470 00:18:10,403 --> 00:18:12,603 Zoey pops up in the news every now and then 471 00:18:12,605 --> 00:18:14,839 supporting some cause or another. 472 00:18:14,841 --> 00:18:16,641 It doesn't always go well for her. 473 00:18:16,643 --> 00:18:18,009 The hawk is a majestic creature! 474 00:18:18,011 --> 00:18:19,677 She means you no har... 475 00:18:19,679 --> 00:18:22,280 Aah, no! I'm your friend! I'm helping you! 476 00:18:22,282 --> 00:18:24,182 Still, it's nice knowing she's out there 477 00:18:24,184 --> 00:18:25,750 fighting the good fight. 478 00:18:25,752 --> 00:18:27,185 Scooter's been married for a while. 479 00:18:27,187 --> 00:18:28,920 Apparently, he met a girl at work, 480 00:18:28,922 --> 00:18:30,488 and it was love at first sight. 481 00:18:30,490 --> 00:18:33,391 I guess something about her helped him get over Lily. 482 00:18:33,393 --> 00:18:35,459 You look beautiful today, Jasmine. 483 00:18:35,461 --> 00:18:37,295 Like every day. 484 00:18:37,297 --> 00:18:39,964 Move. I serve sloppy joe now. 485 00:18:39,966 --> 00:18:42,567 Blitz struggled with a gambling addiction for a while. 486 00:18:42,569 --> 00:18:45,603 But after a three-day bender on the same slot machine, 487 00:18:45,605 --> 00:18:46,704 he finally kicked it. 488 00:18:46,706 --> 00:18:48,906 I got to get help. 489 00:18:53,812 --> 00:18:56,714 Yes! 490 00:18:56,716 --> 00:18:58,549 Aw, man! 491 00:18:58,551 --> 00:19:00,651 I'm not sure what happened to Blah Blah. 492 00:19:00,653 --> 00:19:03,020 But I'd like to think that wherever she is, she... 493 00:19:03,022 --> 00:19:05,756 Carol! Her name was Carol! 494 00:19:05,758 --> 00:19:07,158 Thank you. 495 00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:08,793 Sandy Rivers' inappropriate office behavior 496 00:19:08,795 --> 00:19:11,762 finally caught up with him, ending his news career... 497 00:19:11,764 --> 00:19:13,297 in America. 498 00:19:25,811 --> 00:19:27,411 He hasn't changed. 499 00:19:27,413 --> 00:19:30,047 It took some doing, but James finally convinced Tom 500 00:19:30,049 --> 00:19:32,049 to take him back. 501 00:19:32,051 --> 00:19:35,953 And nobody's happier about it than their kids. 502 00:19:35,955 --> 00:19:40,524 Hey, kids, have I ever told you how I met your father? 503 00:19:40,526 --> 00:19:42,026 It was at a party. 504 00:19:42,028 --> 00:19:44,962 And as for Blauman... 505 00:19:47,232 --> 00:19:48,766 Guys, wait! 506 00:19:50,003 --> 00:19:51,469 I'm sorry for storming off like that. 507 00:19:51,471 --> 00:19:53,170 I don't want to miss this wedding. 508 00:19:53,172 --> 00:19:55,306 You will be shocked, kids, 509 00:19:55,308 --> 00:19:57,308 when you discover how easy it is in life 510 00:19:57,310 --> 00:19:59,543 to part ways with people forever. 511 00:19:59,545 --> 00:20:02,446 That's why when you find someone 512 00:20:02,448 --> 00:20:06,617 you want to keep around, you do something about it. 513 00:20:06,619 --> 00:20:09,120 So, I guess... 514 00:20:09,122 --> 00:20:10,721 good night. 515 00:20:11,957 --> 00:20:14,892 Good night. 516 00:20:31,810 --> 00:20:33,611 Unless... 517 00:20:33,613 --> 00:20:35,713 do you want to walk around some more? 518 00:20:35,715 --> 00:20:37,248 It's still early. 519 00:20:38,550 --> 00:20:41,185 Sure. 520 00:20:46,358 --> 00:20:48,592 What are you doing? 521 00:20:51,229 --> 00:20:53,397 Remembering this. 522 00:20:54,966 --> 00:20:56,233 Come on. 523 00:20:56,235 --> 00:21:01,235 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man